#60 Happiness

You know what happiness is?

It's all relative to what you know. Some people don't have anything, and some of them are happier than any rich man.

Plenty of people before the revolution of Kira would have said they were happy with the world. All right, it wasn't perfect. I was one of L's apprentices, I know how crappy the world can be.

But you know what? People were happy, and the place seemed to be working somewhat. It wasn't perfect, but what is?

And then Kira came along. He started killing off the criminals. I'm not saying that's wrong. In some ways I agree with it… but just the idea of agreeing with kira makes me sick to my stomach.

People started getting scared. Those who didn't agree with him died.

And whatever happiness people say they have now, in the dictatorship Light Yagami created, it's fake.

Happiness isn't about being forbidden to do evil, under pain of death. That's some kind of sick slavery of the mind.

…Look at me, arguing with myself about good and evil and happiness. Idiot.

But… it's not right.

And you're not telling me there aren't still people miserable in the world under Kira's rule?

There's anyone who ever attended Wammy's house. Kira hunted them down one by one… the poor kids. He knew they'd rise up against him if he wasn't quick.

He sent his soldiers in and they destroyed the house. Scattered the kids like mad mice. He wrote each name down.

Except for the top three.

N, M, M. Near, Mello, Matt.

Matt…

My little ace-in-the-hole, Matt… he was supposed to run… when he heard them coming for me he was supposed to press the master button that would delete all our information and then run like hell, find a safe place to hide, change his name and appearance as much as he could. We went over the plan so many times…

But...

I was fighting them off. Killed a few of those damn soldiers… but there were so many…

And then Matt burst in and shot down a few of his own. It gave me time to reload. I screamed at him to run.

He didn't. He stayed with me. He refused to leave me. He said he was making the choice between living free without me, and captive with me, and he loved me too much to live without, in any life.

See… that was happiness to him. Being with me. Even in the damn cell as we waited for judgement, naked and cold, humiliated for Kira's amusement, he would whisper softly that so long as he had me that was all he needed to be happy.

The idiot… he wanted so little. He wanted someone to care about him, whom he could love.

Kira figured that out though.

He split us up. Sent Matt to be a slave to that fanatical murderer Mikami. My poor, beautiful Matt…

Sent me to some fat director who helped spread the word. I don't care, he can do what he wants to me, I'm just waiting for death.

I used to fight back. I really did, kicked and bit and scratched. I got punished for it, but I kept going.

Then one day Mikami came over. He was laughing when he told me…

Matt killed himself. Snuck a knife into his cell and slit his wrists. Apparently he was delusional in the throes of death. Mumbling about saving the world… and Me.

My Matt. My Matt who wanted so little out of his miserable life, who wanted only to try and save me.

It doesn't matter anymore, Matt. I'm just going to lay here and take whatever this monster dishes out… I would follow you in death, but I'm too afraid to make the cut.

I suppose I'm willing myself to death. I can feel, every day, my body shutting itself down a little more.

Try and tell me I'm happy, in Kira's perfect world.

Tell me all those kids he killed would be happy in this world.

Tell me L is happy, chained as he is to Light's throne, being made to perform at Kira's whim. Tell me Near's happy, where-ever he is, being tortured.

Tell me Matt was happy, and that was why he went insane with longing for love and killed himself.

Tell me I'm happy, laying here in a cold cell, feeling all my vital organs begin to slow as I wish and pray for death to take me to whatever waits.

Please, try and tell me this is happiness.