#64 Stars

Punch after punch. Slap after slap. Cruel words with crueller smiles.

I put up with it all through our childhood. You were such a scrappy kid, and competitive. It drove you to near insanity when I nipped so close at your heels in all our tests. I suppose it was bad enough with Near besting you without any effort, without your geeky roommate coming in so closely behind you with even less effort.

I won't apologise for that though, Mello. Maybe if I'd studied like you did then I would have been second, but I didn't. In a way I was doing you a favour by not trying.

I don't know how you would class us in terms of relationships. Everyone at Wammy's said I was your best friend, but what kind of friend were you to me? Smacking me around all the time, making me do what you commanded?

But I always did it, didn't I? I never tried to resist. I remember that frustrated you too, you wanted me to fight back so you could release the pent-up rage on someone.

Then one day you were gone. I cried for weeks, and I wasn't sure why. Too young, I suppose, to understand loving someone so much that you don't mind when they hurt you.

I ran away too. I saw what was coming when I heard Linda being asked about her drawings of you and Near. I wasn't gonna wait around for Kira to come and find me. Heh, if you can't find first or second, take third and use him for ransom, right?

I ran away to London. I dunno why, I guess I figured you'd head there. I wanted someone to give me orders again. I can deal with orders; I'm good at doing what I'm told.

God knows how I managed not to get killed or raped, those first few nights. Born survivor, that's me. It sounds like a good thing to be, but to survive, you have to go through hell.

Wasn't hard to hack a few accounts. I set it up so just enough that they wouldn't notice was periodically dropped into my own account. I made myself three different identities, everything I owned was in a different name. Kira wasn't gonna get me.

Didn't help my agoraphobia, being able to get basically anything I wanted delivered right to my door. I barely left my flat, I just laid in bed all day smoking and obsessing over you.

I grew up, and started understanding why I cried for weeks when you left. Why I let you punch me about and use me. Why I didn't try to be better than you.

Somehow I'd fallen in love. I guess it's not hard to understand, I mean you were always gorgeous, and thought you were a mean kid, I could always tell that at heart you wanted to be nice. You just didn't know how, right? We were both from bad backgrounds, and you learnt that it was dangerous to let anyone in.

Or maybe I'm wrong… because if you thought it was dangerous, why would you have found me?

Why would you have waltzed back into my life, all evil grins and skin-tight leathers?

"I want you to hack the Japanese police force for me."

"Matt, get into Yagami's security system."

"Matt, make yourself useful and stalk Misa Amane."

"Hey you, useless, wanna help me kidnap some bitch?"

That one was the final straw. I stood up and yelled, "I'm NOT useless!!"

The look on your face was one I'd never seen before. That rush of sudden disbelief that actually made you drop your chocolate.

And then you smirked. "Finally fighting back, eh?"

I remember that suddenly I was shaking. You always scared me, and now there was a gun involved as well.

I stammered out, "I'm…I'm not useless! I… I don't care if you call me names or hit me Mello, you already know that I'd do anything for you if you asked it, but you can't call me useless anymore!"

There was that look again. You rose to your feet, leather creaking as you walked towards me, and lifted your hand.

I braced myself for a slap that never came.

Instead you pulled one of those gloves off and stroked my cheek. And you spoke in a soft, almost sad voice, "I've really been horrible to you, haven't I Matty? You ought to run away from me before it's too late."

I shook my head, against your soft, warm hand. "No… I told you… I'll do anything for you… I'd kill for you, die for you… even get the stars for you, if I thought you wanted them…" I remember blinking hard to keep the tears back. "I…I think I love you Mello. I do, I mean… I…"

You laughed in that strange, sad way, like smashing china. "You're such a dope."

You lifted my chin, and calmly tugged my goggles from around my head. You leant in and nuzzled my cheek, I could smell chocolate and coconuts on your skin.

And then your purred in my ear, "I don't want the stars… I never wanted the stars from you… I just wanted someone to want me… despite everything that I am."