SOS Dentists

By: Danny Pic

Hello again! Wow, 1st time writing Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya! W00T!
Ok, just so ya know, this isn't totally an original idea; it's just a silly thought I had.

Ok, backstory:
I was watching some Monty Python skits, and I came upon the one about the secret service/mafia dentists. And then I thought, "Wait, people have done TMOHS parodies with Monty Python before, right? So why don't I give it a shot?"
And thus came the madness.

BTW, if anybody's wondering, I made this fic in Kyon's POV. Also, when Mikuru says "Sweety Green", she's actually referring to one Emiri Kimidori, green-haired "irlfriend" to the CPU club pres., and supposed alien interface.

I don't own TMOHS or Monty Python. Enjoy!

I walked down the street, nearing this strange book shop. Taniguchi and I were assigned to do a report on false teeth for our health and anatomy class. Trouble is, neither of us knew anything about that, so we decided to divide up research. Taniguchi went to study how false teeth are made, while I was tasked with learning the history of false teeth. I was told by my little sister that a new book store had recently opened up, and told me to try there. I swear, sometimes I'm amazed at how take-charge my Imouto-chan can be.

In any case, I went to the book store. As I entered, I looked around at the inside of the building. There was only one bookshelf behind the counter; everywhere else was wall. There were one or two tables with chairs in the shop. Books were crammed into the shelf, and piled onto the desk. When I saw the storekeeper…

"Koizumi?"

.

He jumped and looked at me when I called him, calming down when he saw me. "Oh, Kyon," he said in what seemed like relief. "It's just you. Sorry, you uh…you startled me is all."

"Well, sorry," I replied, "I didn't know you were working here. I mean, I thought the Agency'd – "

"- Oh, they do!" he interrupted. "I – they do, it's just…I, um…I figured I could try starting a little business!"

"…oooookay?" I slowly answered. "Well, in any case, I'd like to buy a book."

"Oh," he said," Well, I'm afraid we don't have any right now."

I stared at him like the man was stupid. "…really?" I asked, looking at all the books crammed into the shelf and on the counter. "No books at all, you say?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. We don't have any books. We're fresh out of them. G'bye!"

"So then what are all these, then? Boxes of chocolates?"

"Ah, what?" he asked, looking around and registering the humongous piles of books he was around. "Oh, these! Ah, yes, all these, ah heh heh…right, you were referring to these…books…"

"Yeeeeees," I said, stretching the word.

"They're um…" he tried, "…they're all sold. Goodbye!"

"Seriously?" I cried out in agitation. "All of these books are sold?"

"Ah, yes! Every single one of them. Not a single one in an unsold state. Goodbye!" Koizumi again tried to wave me away.

I began to get the impression that he was trying to hide something. "Whom are they sold to?" I calmly asked.

"Oh, various…people…" He looked at his wrist. "Oh, good lord, is that the time? Oh my goodness, I must close for lunch!" This time he got out of the counter, and began to escort me out.

"But it's only half-past-ten," I protested.

"Yes," the Esper replied, "but I'm feeling really hungry. Really hungry – I don't know if I'll be opening up again today." He then pointed across the street and said, "Oh, look at that lovely book store across the street! They've probably got a much better selection than we do, probably at ridiculously low prices, just across the road. Goodbye!"

"But I was told to come here," I tried again.

.

That seemed to elicit a response.

.

Koizumi dragged me back inside very quickly, no longer seeming so eager to get me out. "I see…" he answered in a serious tone. He then stood up straight and spoke in a way I can only describe as "careful".

"I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year… and so are the mangoes," he said, winking when he said 'mangoes'.

I paused, curiosity getting the better of me. "Excuse me?" I asked, trying to figure out what exactly he meant.

"Oh, nothing," he casually replied, "Just uh…just thinking about the weather." He then repeated himself, in the exact same manner, "I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year… and so are the mangoes…"

"Mine aren't," I replied, still unsure what he was referring to. He looked expectantly at me when I said that. He stared for a few seconds, and then urged, "Go on..." I asked him what he meant.

"Go on, then," he said, "'Mine aren't, but…'"

"What are you talking about, Koizumi?"

"Aren't you going to say something about 'Mine aren't, but the Big Cheese gets his at midnight tonight?'"

I shook my head. He paused for a moment, and said, "Ah…right, Goodbye!", and then began trying to get me out again. I say 'began', because he stopped midway, dragged me back in, and asked, "Wait…who sent you?"

I was officially convinced that this was a definite serious situation. Not wanting to get my sister involved, I answered, "That little old lady in the candy store."

"Did she have a dueling scar just here and a hook?" he asked, indicating his right eye with one hand and making a hook with the other. Again, I shook my head. Koizumi started laughing a calm, casual laugh, and replied, "Oh, of course not! I was thinking of someone else. Goodbye!"

At this point, I knew there was something up. "Alright, Koizumi," I asked, "what's going on?"

He spun around and asked, "What, where? You didn't see anything, did you?"

"No," I replied honestly, "but I can tell you're trying to hide something from me."

"No, no, of course not! Nothing's going on here at all, and HE DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING! Goodbye!"

"There is something going on, isn't there?" I asked, growing more suspicious.

"Look," Koizumi said, " there is nothing going on here." He turned to a hallway and asked, "Is there anything going on?"

Mr. Arakawa appeared holding a SMG rifle (not pointed at anyone, just holding it), and answered, "No, nothing's going on," before disappearing back into the hallway.

"See, nothing's going on!" Koizumi replied.

I asked, "Then who was that?"

"Oh, um…my aunt… all right, fine. We'll do it your way." Koizumi raced behind the counter, and said, "What was that book you wanted? Quickly, quickly!"

I replied, "Oh, I'd like to buy a copy of "An Illustrated History of False Teeth"."

Koizumi slowly turned around, glaring at me. He only replied, "My god, you've got guts."

.

I asked what he meant, but he pulled out a handgun, pointing it at me, and started asking, "Just how much do you know, Kyon?"

Naturally, I held up my hands and tried to explain that I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Are you with the Japanese Dental Association?"

"No! I'm in High School, Koizumi!"

"Get away from that door!"

I'll just go over to that other sto –"

"– Stay where you are! You'll never leave this bookstore alive."

By this time I was beginning to get very scared. It wasn't bad enough that Ryoko threatened me with a knife – now Koizumi was questioning me at gunpoint? "Why not?" I asked, panicked.

"You know too much, my dental friend," he replied.

"Koizumi, I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Come clean, Kyon! You're a closet dentist, aren't you?"

"I'm not! I'm still in high school! You know that – you go there with me!"

"And yet, you just happen to be buying a book about teeth?"

"I have a project to do!"

"A likely excuse!"

Suddenly, another voice comes in: "DROP THAT GUN, NYORO!"

.

We turned and saw a girl standing in the doorway, holding a pistol. She was dressed all in black, had long green hair, and a slick smile on her face. I recognized her, but the fact that she was here didn't make much sense.

"Tsuruya!" Koizumi called out, dropping his handgun.

I commented, "I was right! There is something going on here."

"No there isn't," the Esper was quick to correct me, as he was pinned against the wall next to me.

"Alright, Koizumi, this is it," Tsuruya said, cornering him against the wall. "Where's Hirasawa hidden the fillings?"

"What fillings?" he asked.

"Don't play dumb, sweetheart. You know what fillings," Tsuruya spoke without missing a beat. "Upper-right 2 and 4, lower-right 3 and 2, lower-left 1. C'mon…remember what happened to Jimmy?"

I asked what happened to Jimmy. "Given a gelignite mouth wash by Orthodontist Haru," Koizumi answered.

"I knew there was something going on," I said, smiling proudly.

"Well, there isn't," he repeated.

Tsuruya jabbed him in the chest with her pistol. "Enough chatter! Where are they?"

Koizumi paused, staring at her weapon. He reluctantly answered, "They're at 22 Shuffler Lane."

Tsuruya looked angry. "Don't play games with me!" she yelled, poking him in the eye with the barrel of her gun.

"OW! Alright, 22a Shuffler Lane! But you'll need an appointment."

Tsuruya smiled. "Good boy," she replied. She then turned towards the door and shouted, "Asahina! Make with that appointment, babe! No gas!"

.

Suddenly, the door burst open again, and in walked Mr. Arakawa dressed as a dentist, followed by Miss Mori dressed in a nurse's uniform. "Not so fast, Tsuruya!" Mr. Arakawa said.

"Arakawa! I should've known," Tsuruya growled, lowering her gun when she saw Arakawa's SMG.

"Yes. Now, drop the roscoe!" he said; Tsuruya obliged. He then turned to Miss Mori and said, "Get their guns."

As Miss Mori began to retrieve the guns and place them on a surgeon's tray, I asserted again that something was going on. And again, Koizumi insisted that nothing was going on. I tried again by asking, "So that's your aunt, then?"

Koizumi sighed. "No, that's Mr. Arakawa. He's on our side."

Mr. Arakawa then held up his SMG at all of us, and said, "Alright, up against the wall, Tsuruya. And you too, Koizumi!"

"WHAT? Me?" Koizumi was appalled.

"Yes, you!"

"Why you dirty, double-crossing RAT!"

I asked what happened. Koizumi angrily replied, "He's two-timed us."

"Rotten luck," I replied.

Mori stood up and handed the tray to Mr. Arakawa. "Alright," he said, "where are they? Where are the fillings?"

"Hm, this is real exciting!" I commented, secretly enjoying the plot unfolding before me.

Suddenly, another person burst into the room. It was another young girl, with red hair, carrying a bazooka…and wearing a maid outfit. "Not so fast!" she cried.

.

"MIKURU!" everyone exclaimed.

"Wow, what's that?" I asked. Everyone replied, "It's a bazooka." I could've sworn I also heard a "Durr!" from Tsuruya's direction.

"Alright, everybody against the wall!" she said, in a tone that was, for her, surprisingly aggressive. "And the first one to try anything moves to a permanent practice 6 feet underground!"

I took a moment to comment, "Wow, Mikuru, you're really into this. I had no idea you were so brave!"

Mikuru blushed, and with a wink, replied, "Aw, thanks Kyon-kun!" (SO CUTE!) She then returned to aggressive-Mikuru and yelled, "NOW LISTEN! This is a fully-loaded anti-tank weapon, and I know how to use it! You've got five seconds to tell me…WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SWEETY GREEN?"

Everyone was puzzled. Koizumi bravely interjected, "Um, what are you talking about, Asahina-san?"

Mikuru groaned. "I'm sorry, guys, I didn't mean to confuse you. I – my mind's been wandering…I've had a really hard day so far, and the stress's starting to get to me. Sorry."

"It's ok," I replied.

"Alright, you've got five seconds to tell me…darn, I forgot!"

"Um, our five seconds haven't started yet, have they?" Koizumi asked again.

"I mean, none of us know the question yet, nyoro," Tsuruya added.

Mikuru shook her head. "No, I'm just trying to remember. Um…could you help me jog my memory?"

"Ok. Um…was it about Vogler?"

"No, no…"

Arakawa asked, "About Jimmy?"

Mikuru shook her head again.

"Bronsk?" Koizumi asked. Mikuru, again, shook her head.

"The fillings?" I suggested.

A smile lit up Mikuru's face. "Yes, that's it! The fillings! Sorry again. ALRIGHT!" She aimed her bazooka at us. "You've got 5 seconds. Where are the fillings?"

I flinched for the impact.

"5…4…3…2…1…ZERO!"

Silence. I heard no explosion or anything. I opened my eyes, and saw the same scene as before, but with Mikuru looking partly confused. Again, she yelled, "ZERO!"

Nothing. She looked around and stopped when she saw her gun. "Oh! I forgot to fire it. That was stupid."

We all chuckled lightly. Then again, she restarted, "5, 4, 3, 2, 1 –"

" – Drop the bazooka, Asahina-san," a calm voice echoed through the bookstore. We all turned towards it…

And there, dressed in a witch's outfit, with a toy bunny on her lap, and sitting in an evil-looking metal chair…

"THE BIG CHEESE?" everyone called out.

I called out, "..Nagato-san?"

.

Nagato surveyed the scene with an emotionless stare, stroking the bunny on her lap. "I'm so glad you could all come to my little party. And Flopsy is glad, too. Aren't you, Shamey?"

There was a pause. She stared at the rabbit and asked more forcefully, "Aren't you, Flopsy?"

No response. Nagato then took the toy rabbit and shot it, dropping it to the floor. "That'll teach you to play hard-to-get, you stuffed animal. There, poor Flopsy is dead. And never once called me 'mother'."

Her attention turned to the rest of us. "And soon, you will all be dead." As she began to talk, the others began hissing at her. She repeated, "Dead, dead, dead. And because I'm so undeniably evil, you will all perish the slow way…under the drill."

I interrupted her monologue. "Um, Nagato? It's one o'clock."

She paused, and then replied, "so it is. Lunch break everyone, back here at two."

And they all got up, happily relaxed, and walked off. Except for me. I stayed behind, and after checking to make sure I was alone, dialed HQ. "Hello?" I asked, "Give me the Japanese Dental association, and fast!"

.

You see, I knew there was something odd going on there. But Yuki "The Big Cheese" Nagato made one major mistake. She didn't recognize me: Kyon, Special investigator, Japanese Dental Association. (In fact, I'm such a high-ranking member, I'm not allowed to use my real name – "Kyon" is my alias.) By the time I returned from lunch, every dental surgeon in SW1 was waiting for them all in the broom cupboard.

Funny, isn't it? How naughty dentists always make that one fatal mistake?

Well, in any case, I also retrieved the book I needed, and thanks to pulling an all-nighter, we made a perfect score on our project. Well, goodbye for now, and keep your teeth clean.

Kyon! Kyon!

Kyon of the JDA!

Kyon! Kyon!

Kyon of the JD – Kyon of the JD – JD, JD-AAaaAA!

So, how'd I do?

I apologize for OOC-ness and any confusing bits. I thought this was a random, strange idea, and that I should share it with the internet.
And for those Monty Python fans out there…

'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE JAPANESE DENTAL ASSOCIATION'