Chapter 5- Panic
Alice was not waiting for me alone when I reached the wooded area between the territories. I heard the familiar mental voice of her companion long before I could see him.
You have to calm down, son! Carlisle shouted in my head. You cannot break the treaty.
His words of warning could only mean that Bella had not yet returned home. I waited until he and Alice were just a few feet away from me before I responded.
"What would you have me do, Carlisle!" I cried, throwing my hands up in horror as I paced back and forth in the clearing we were standing in. Fury and panic were still burning through me like fire. "Should I wait until she's been missing long enough for Charlie to form a search party! Not that he would check on her if he thought she was with that filthy beast! For God's sake, Carlisle, Alice can't see her!"
"I can't see anything right now Edward!" Alice shrieked. "I can't see any of us because of what you're thinking of doing. I have no way to know if you crossing the line would lead to a war we'd win or if it would get us all killed, including Bella."
Alice's words caused my determination to go after Bella to waver infinitesimally. Would crossing the line cost all of us our lives? My own life would be forfeit without her, but the idea of putting my entire family at risk wasn't something I wanted to do. I'd seen the images of the wolves from the others' minds after last week's encounter on the border, and I felt certain that we could easily defeat them in a fight, but if Alice couldn't see any of us…
"Think about it, Edward," Carlisle implored, sensing a fraction of hesitation when my pacing slowed slightly. "Bella spent countless hours with the wolves while we were gone and she never got hurt…
Anger surged through me again at the mention of the way I'd failed her. How could he remind me of that now!?
"Do you think that matters?" I bellowed incredulously, too furious to even try to comprehend what he was thinking. "Do you think the fact that she had to rely on those mongrels for protection because of my nearly fatal mistake means its okay for her to needlessly risk her life?"
"Of course not!" Carlisle replied emphatically. She's my daughter just as much as you are my son! I love her too!"
Being away from Bella nearly destroyed our entire family because we are incomplete without you and you are incomplete without her! He added mentally
The emotion in his voice and his thoughts were so insistent and intense that I stopped pacing. It was very unlike him to be so forceful. I waited for him to continue aloud for Alice's benefit.
"I don't like the idea of her being with the wolves either," he continued, his voice more even now. "Especially since Alice can't see, but for the moment we have no reason to suspect that she's injured. If you cross the line there's no doubt that she will get hurt. If you went into their territory, the wolves would attack you and she would try to stop them."
A terrible image of a screaming Bella flinging herself between me and Jacob Black in his rust colored wolf form flashed in my frantic mind and I shuddered.
Oh, thank heaven! Alice thought a moment later as the faces of our family replaced the darkness in her head. A picture of me waiting for Bella beside the highway formed in her thoughts and she breathed a loud sigh of relief.
"Go get your car and watch for her truck on the highway," Alice said in response to her vision. "That way you'll know when she's back. I'll keep looking for her too."
"And just how long am I supposed to just sit there and wait?" I growled irritably as the fire of fear and anger continued to smolder in my core. I was thinking rationally enough to understand that I couldn't cross the line yet, but that didn't mean I was going to wait hours on end for Bella to come home. The idea of doing nothing was agonizing.
"She's supposed to be at Angela's house at 12:30," Alice replied. "That gives us a time frame to work with."
It was only nine thirty. I wrung my hands. Three hours.
"If she isn't back by then, Alice can call Charlie and get the Black's phone number," Carlisle suggested impulsively.
I snorted angrily at the lunacy of this plan.
"That would be an interesting phone conversation," I said bitterly. "Hello Billy Black, this is Alice Cullen I just wanted to call and make sure your werewolf son hasn't murdered my best friend since she was supposed to be home by now."
I pinched the bridge of my nose as I started pacing again. I would kill him brutally if she came home missing a single hair from her perfect head.
"Edward, you have my blessing to do whatever is necessary to get Bella home safely if she doesn't come back when she's supposed to," Carlisle assured me. "If all else fails, I'll go to La Push with you myself. But, please, just wait. Go get your car and wait for her."
I nodded wearily at him in concession. His furrowed face relaxed.
"I'll let you know as soon as I can see her again," Alice promised me. "And call me if she comes back before that." I'm terrified for her to be with them too, but breaking the treaty could be a tragic disaster. She added mentally.
"I need to get my car and go back to the hospital," Carlisle said as he ran his pale fingers through his flaxen hair. He glanced up at the sparse clouds apprehensively. It was really a little too sunny for us to be outside, and he hadn't anticipated the need to leave the shelter of the hospital while the sun was brighter than usual .
"Please call me as well, Edward. Alice, make sure the others stay informed. I'll talk to your mother. I know she's worried." He continued.
I need to call Esme and reassure her. She's always fretted over Edward more than the others…he thought.
I grimaced at this reminder of my mother's love for me. I needed to get Bella home safely for her sake too.
Fifteen torturous minutes later, I was sitting in the Volvo watching the sparse traffic pass to and from Forks. I had parked inconspicuously under the shade of an evergreen near the shoulder of the road. The sun was peeking through the silvery clouds intermittently, and I was trapped in the confines of the car. My senses were even more acute than usual as I took in every minute detail of my surroundings; sights, smells, sounds…
But there was no sign of my Bella. I attempted futilely to remain calm by counting the passing cars and the seconds as I tapped the steering wheel with the tips of my fingers. I restrained myself from ripping it apart with difficulty.
I turned the stereo on and off 46 times, hoping pointlessly that the images that formed, unbidden in my head would dissipate at a musical distraction, but they didn't.
Jacob Black, towering over Bella's tiny and delicate frame, his hands shaking violently as his body began to shimmer and shift.
Five wolves the size of horses running through the forest while Bella screamed in terror. I looked down at my hands and realized a CD I'd been holding had crumbled into plastic dust beneath my fingers.
Bella and Jacob walking along the beach I'd seen in his mind earlier this week as he declares his undying love for her. She wraps her arms around him and he pulls her closer, his lips meeting hers…
I growled loudly as the burning fear and panic I'd been feeling twisted intensified for other reasons. Jealousy pierced my chest like a wooden stake that seemed to feed the fires of my anxiety.
The minutes crawled by as the sun flickered through the clouds. My mind was a vicious circle of fury and panic that seemed to intensify with every passing second. When the sun was at its highest peak in the sky, I could no longer restrain myself; the burning terror was unbearable. I was bracing myself to start the fight when I heard the distant sound of her truck's distinctive rumble and a hint of her perfect, sweet scent filled my nose. My phone rang.
"She's on her way," Alice said urgently when I answered. I had probably disappeared from her sight again a moment ago.
"I know," I choked before hanging up. I couldn't talk.
I slumped over the steering wheel as the relief came in cooling waves, and my body shook with a tearless sob of gratitude. She was okay.
The relief was short lived however, and by the time I could see her rusty truck in my rearview mirror, I was livid.
Why did she have to be so stubborn and foolish?
How could she put me through this after I'd begged her not to put herself in danger?! Didn't she know -or care- what it would do to me if she'd gotten hurt, or worse? She'd seen me when I tried to kill myself in Italy!
And the treaty! I'd nearly broken the treaty because of her callous disregard for her own safety. She knew things were more tense than usual with the wolves as a result of the confrontation over the weekend. How could she be so senselessly reckless!? I felt a stab of betrayal as I thought of the reason she'd put me through hell for the last few hours.
Jacob Black.
She'd done it for him.
She didn't see me as she drove by the place where I was waiting. I glanced at her face as she passed and the cheerful expression I saw there enflamed me further. She couldn't hear the squeal of the Volvo's tires over the noisy engine of her truck as I peeled out onto the road.
I drove behind her for a half mile, the grill of my car inches from the oxidized bumper of her truck before she noticed me. The peaceful expression on her face vanished as soon as she took in the sight of my car. She bit her lip anxiously as she tried to focus entirely on the wet road in front of her.
My thoughts were conflicted and furious as I followed her to Angela's. I wanted her to pull over and yet I knew it would be best if she kept driving. I was too enraged to confront her now. I'd never been angry with her like this. Twelve hours ago, I wouldn't have believed it were possible for me to feel this kind of rage toward her. And underneath the seething anger was the hurt and jealousy. She had chosen his feelings over mine.
I didn't slow down when she pulled into the Weber's driveway. My phone rang just as I turned onto the next street.
"Alice said you were coming home, are you on your way yet?" Carlisle asked.
"Yes," I said with a deep sigh. "But I'm just going to drop my car off and run back to the Weber's house to watch Bella."
"The sun is a bit brighter than usual today," Carlisle cautioned. "Perhaps you should just wait at home until you know she's back at Charlie's."
I growled into the phone in reply.
"Fine, "Carlisle sighed. "Just be careful. I'm still at the hospital, but I'll see you soon." I knew he would insist on discussing the implications of what I had nearly done later. Listening to Rosalie's mental commentary was going to be a real treat.
Alice was waiting for me in the garage when I arrived back at the house. I groaned softly. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone; I wanted to be alone to sort out my feelings before I talked to Bella later. I was still extremely angry with her and I needed to calm down.
"You're going hunting with Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett on Thursday night," Alice announced as soon as I turned the Volvo's ignition off.
And you'd better not argue the point. Everyone is really upset with you for what you almost did today. I understand completely, but the others don't and you're going to have to face them soon. She thought.
"I'm not going anywhere," I snarled, ignoring her silent words as I got out of the car. "I'll go to Sawyer's Pet Emporium downtown, buy every animal with fur and lungs and drain them dry before I leave Forks again."
Alice paused for a moment, and I knew she was searching my future.
"Nope, you're going," she insisted, showing me the vision in her head. "I can see you in Montana with them."
"I think you need to have your inner eye examined," I retorted sarcastically. She rolled her regular eyes at me.
I didn't give a damn what she'd seen. I would go thirsty for another month before I gave Bella an opportunity to return to La Push.
"The bed arrived while we were gone this morning," Alice said, changing the subject. "I rearranged your room."
"Thanks," I grumbled ungratefully as I ran my fingers through my hair in irritation.
"Everything is going to be okay," Alice said soothingly as she placed a tiny hand on my shoulder. "Bella loves you and she would never hurt you intentionally. She just doesn't see the danger." Or your jealousy, she added silently.
I sighed deeply and nodded. I was sure she was right, but her words did nothing to quell my anger.
"Oh and thank you, by the way," Alice grinned as I tucked my keys back in my pocket and turned to leave on foot.
"For what?" I asked, frowning. Her thoughts were deliberately opaque.
"You're going to get my Porsche this week," she answered. "Just have it delivered on a truck, okay? I don't want some human car salesman driving it all the way from Portland. It would ruin the new car smell."
I half smiled in spite of myself.
I hid myself from the rays of sunlight that peeked halfheartedly through the silver grey clouds in a thicket of trees adjacent to the Weber's back yard. I zeroed in on Angela's thoughts so I could observe Bella.
She was tense and distracted as they made small talk and worked their way through the large stack of announcements that were sorted into piles in Angela's tidy pink bedroom, and Angela was quick to notice Bella's anxiety.
I can tell something's bothering her…should I ask what's wrong or just wait to see if she brings it up? Bella is shy so she may not want to talk about it…she just seems so upset. Maybe talking would help. Angela thought.
There was a lull in the conversation that lasted for several minutes before Angela finally made up her mind and broke the silence.
"Is something wrong?" Angela asked quietly as she stopped writing long enough to sort through another stack of envelopes. "You seem…anxious."
I held my breath as I waited for Bella to respond.
Bella smiled awkwardly as her cheeks flushed a little. "Is it that obvious?" she replied unhelpfully. I gritted my teeth at her predictable evasiveness.
"Not really," Angela fibbed. Well, maybe it wouldn't be obvious to someone who doesn't know her at all, but Bella's face is easy to read sometimes. She thought.
Yes, Bella's face was easy to read, but since I was used to being able to pick thoughts right out of someone's mind, mere facial expressions were never enough to satisfy my curiosity.
"You don't have to talk about it unless you want to," Angela continued sincerely as she glanced up from the envelope she was writing on to gage Bella's expression. "I'll listen if you think it'll help."
She was worried that Bella would think she was trying to press her for information the way Jessica Stanley often did.
However, Bella knew that Angela was nothing like Jessica. I could tell that her hesitation had more to do with the supernatural elements of our predicament than misgivings about confiding in Angela.
"I'll mind my own business," Angela said when Bella didn't respond to her questions. Nice going, Ang. Bella is a good enough friend to help you with these stupid announcements any you repay her by being nosy. She silently chastised herself as she continued to write on the envelope.
"No," Bella replied abruptly, surprising me just as much as Angela. "You're right. I am anxious. It's…it's…Edward."
I gritted my teeth at the way she nearly choked on my name. She knew how upset I was with her and she was actually dreading seeing me, I could see it in the worried furrow between her brows.
Edward? That's not what I expected. I figured she was arguing with Chief Swan again.
"What's wrong?" Angela cajoled when Bella didn't elaborate.
"Oh, he's mad at me," Bella went on, biting her lip anxiously.
Angela raised her eyebrows in surprise. "That's hard to imagine," She said. "What's he mad about?" I can't picture him getting upset with her for anything. The way he looks at her makes me think he'd let her get away with murder and love her just the same, she thought.
I thought of the bloodlust Bella would have to cope with when she was changed and I shuddered at Angela's comparison.
Bella sighed heavily before she answered.
"Do you remember Jacob Black?" Bella asked.
"Ah," Angela replied, understanding at once.
Edward is jealous. She surmised mentally.
"Yeah," Bella said.
What did she mean by that? Did she know that I was jealous of Jacob? If she did, then why didn't she say something?
I get it now. Edward's seen Jacob staring at Bella with puppy dog eyes. Lots of guys look at Bella and she doesn't notice, though. Ben says it would probably drive Edward crazy if he could hear the way Mike Newton talks about her. Angela thought.
Oh, if Ben only knew how much I could hear…
"He's jealous," Angela continued a moment later, voicing her assumption aloud.
Jealous. Yes.
This was a simple and straightforward conclusion that any human would come to. And there was truth in it, though it was a much smaller consideration compared to the other issues.
Bella's expression flickered with surprise for a moment. Apparently, it hadn't occurred to her that I might be jealous. This shocked me a little; she knew I was capable of getting jealous; I had confessed to feeling intensely possessive of her on that first day we'd spent together. I told her how I felt about all those boys asking her to the girl's choice dance last year, particularly Mike Newton. Did she think that I was beyond feeling such an emotion at this stage in our relationship?
Bella bit her lip and I could tell that she regretted her candor now. She must have been trying to find a way to explain the situation while omitting the vampire versus werewolf angle.
"No, not jealous," Bella answered after a thoughtful pause, emphasizing the last word. My theory must have been correct; it hadn't occurred to her that I might consider Jacob Black a threat to something besides her safety. "Edward thinks Jacob is a..."
reckless, immature, self centered mutant dog hell bent on taking away the reason for my existence. I thought.
"Bad influence, I guess," Bella continued. "Sort of...dangerous."
Bella's limitless talent for understating things strikes again. I would have laughed if I weren't so angry.
"You know how much trouble I got into a few months back. It's all ridiculous, though."
Ridiculous!!!
The word reverberated in my brain and my blazing fury surged and crackled. My fears for her safety were ridiculous to her! I shouldn't have been surprised, but hearing her say such a thing made me want to rip the tree in front of me out of the ground by the roots.
Boy, she really doesn't see this situation for what it is, does she? Angela thought as she shook her head in disagreement. Bella's eyebrows rose in a bemused way at her friend's response to her explanation.
"What?" Bella asked, her face furrowed in confusion.
"Bella," Angela said in the same kind of voice she might have used with her little brothers. "I've seen how Jacob Black looks at you. I'd bet the real problem is jealousy."
"It's not like that with Jacob," Bella countered.
Just because Bella know her relationship with Jacob is innocent doesn't mean that Edward understands that. Angela thought before she answered.
"For you maybe," Angela replied. "But for Jacob..."
She has to know Jacob is crazy about her.
Bella's forehead creased with a familiar scowl. She really was clueless about the boundaries she'd crossed, literally and figuratively, with Jacob.
"Jacob knows how I feel," Bella replied evasively with an tiny shake of her head. She was avoiding the subject of Jacob's feelings, clearly unwilling to admit that she knew Angela was right. "I've told him everything."
I gritted my teeth in furious envy. Everything? Did this mean she was more candid with him than she was with me? Was she more comfortable opening up to him somehow?
I was sure that I knew the answer to that question.
'I would never hurt her,' Jacob had said during our little confrontation in the woods behind Bella's house over a month ago.
And I had hurt her.
The harrowing images Jacob had conjured up for the purpose of tormenting me swam to the surface of my mind in an instant; Sam Uley carrying her lifeless form through the thick evergreens; Bella's terror when she realized Victoria was chasing her...the frailty of her thin frame and the gaunt, haunted look in her shadowed eyes...
I cursed myself again for my stupidity, but the pain and remorse I felt barely softened the edges of my anger. My grievous failings last fall did not justify her choice to go to the reservation today.
"Edward is only human, Bella," Angela went on doggedly. "He's going to react like any other boy."
Angela was wrong this time; my reactions were much stronger because I was so much more than human. No mortal would ever be capable of wrapping their mind around the intensity of my fear of losing her.
Bella winced anxiously but she didn't respond. She was at a loss for words. Was her silence merely the result of the secrets she had to keep or was there something deeper going on behind her chocolate eyes? Angela studied her face carefully and was dismayed by the worry she saw there.
Well it doesn't seem as though I helped her at all. Maybe I should try something else. Angela thought regretfully.
Angela reached over and patted the top of Bella's hand in an attempt to soothe her. "He'll get over it," She said reassuringly.
"I hope so," Bella replied, her face relaxing slightly at Angela's far fetched reassurance. As if I would just magically decide that it was perfectly okay for her to fraternize with dangerous creatures who could end her life in a fraction of a second. "Jake's going through kind of a tough time. He needs me."
I growled furiously at Bella's compulsion to play the role of care-giver to a mutant juvenile werewolf.
Jake.
Does Edward have a reason to be worried? Angela wondered mutely.
My insides churned as the flames of jealousy singed my core.
"You and Jacob are pretty close, aren't you," Angela stated. It wasn't a question.
"Like family," Bella replied emphatically. The burning eased a little.
Oh, well I guess that makes sense. Chief Swan has always had close ties to the reservation. Dad says he has a lot of close friends out there. Angela thought.
"And Edward doesn't like him," Angela inferred sympathetically. "That must be hard. I wonder how Ben would handle that."
"Probably just like any other boy," Bella said with a small smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth.
Angela smiled. "Probably."
Ben would freak out, I bet, but he would try not to show it. He probably wouldn't leave me alone with the guy for a second. she mused silently.
Angela changed the subject to post graduation college plans.
"I got my dorm assignment yesterday," Angela said conversationally as she addressed yet another parchment colored envelope. "The farthest building from campus, naturally."
Just my luck. Ben and I talked about getting a place together, but my dad would never allow it, even though we were going to get a two bedroom flat. she thought.
"Does Ben know where he's staying yet?" Bella asked as she set aside a finished stack of announcements.
"The closest building to campus," Angela said with an envious smirk. "He's got all the luck. How about you? Did you decide where you're going?"
Bella averted her eyes from Angela for a moment, staring at one of the completed envelopes in front of her as though it would provide her with an answer. She was probably thinking about her impending choice to become a vampire. I felt a stab of sadness at the idea of everything she was preparing to sacrifice in order to become a part of my world; her friends, her parents, and the ability to bare children.
"Alaska, I think," Bella replied after a pause. "The university there in Juneau. "
Angela's thoughts were surprised. That's the last place I would've expected. I know she misses the weather in Phoenix.
"Alaska?" Angela answered, her shock apparent in her voice. "Oh, really? I mean, that's great I just figured you'd go somewhere...warmer."
Bella gave a shaky laugh, her eyes still staring unseeingly at the envelope in front of her. "Yeah, Forks has really changed my perspective on life."
That was an understatement, considering she was planning to give up that life.
"And Edward?" Angela asked automatically. She was sure that I would be where ever Bella was, and she knew that my family had lived in Alaska before we moved to Forks.
Bella's face twisted slightly at the sound of my name, and I knew she was still worried about the coming confrontation, but she smiled and met Angela's gaze after a moment's pause.
"Alaska's not too cold for him either," She replied.
Angela smiled knowingly in response. "Of course not," she said. Edward would follow her anywhere, but I hate how far away they'll be.
"It's so far," Angela lamented with a sigh. "You won't be able to come home very often. I'll miss you. Will you email me?"
Bella averted her eyes from Angela again and I knew she was trying to decide how to answer. She knew that normal human friendships would not be possible after her change. The sadness washed over me again as I thought about everything she was planning to give up. She was only 18.
"If I can still type after this," she replied lightly, her face composed. She and Angela both laughed.
I sighed deeply at the sound as though exhaling would release the anger and sadness that radiated deep inside me.
It didn't work.
I arrived at Charlie's house five minutes before Bella did. I climbed through her bedroom window and listened to Charlie's thoughts while I waited for her to get home.
Billy said Jake was really pleased to see her today. I should call Karen Newton and thank her for giving Bella the morning off. Maybe she'll finally start to see how much healthier Jake is for her than Edward.
I suppressed the growl that was building in my chest and tried to tune him out. Sometimes I really wished that his thoughts were still difficult to hear.
I recited the lyrics to Linkin Park songs to try to avoid listening to his mind. I was still far too furious to think straight and I didn't want something I heard in his head to cause me to start demolishing Bella's room. I was too close to the edge anyway.
I could hear the roar of her truck's engine long before it pulled into the driveway and I clenched my fists together convulsively. I thought about going for a run, but I didn't think it would soothe me. The only thing that would make me feel better right now was a confrontation with her.
"Bella?" Charlie called as the front door opened with a clatter. He adjusted the volume on the TV, muting the sounds of the basketball game he'd been watching. Bella's lovely scent was mingled with the disgusting fragrance of werewolf, and I cringed at the thought of him touching her.
"Hey, Dad," Bella answered as her clumsy footsteps echoed in the living room below me.
Even in my current state of indescribable anger, the sound of her voice was music. I was so grateful she was safe.
"So, how was your day?" Charlie asked, trying not to sound too eager for details. He wanted to know all about her visit with Jacob.
"Good," Bella replied, and the sincerity of her tone made me grind my teeth together in fury. Her good day was about to take a turn for the worse.
"They didn't need me at work today so I went down to La Push," She continued.
I could not stifle the growl that vibrated inside me this time. She'd enjoyed her dangerous social call at my expense.
"How was Jacob?" Charlie asked eagerly. Billy told me to call him if she said anything about what they talked about today. He said Jake didn't tell him much.
"Good," Bella repeated evasively. She probably knew I was waiting for her. Would she tell Charlie more about their conversation when I wasn't around? A surge of curiosity jolted through me as I tried to banish the images of Jacob making declarations of love to her on some romantic stretch of beach on the reservation.
She doesn't want to give me the details. Whatever they talked about must have been pretty personal. I won't pry. Charlie thought.
I groaned internally at the thought.
"You get over to the Webers?" He asked, shifting the subject.
"Yep," Bella replied, and there was relief in her voice. "We got all of her announcements addressed."
Charlie must have been right on some level. She could be keeping secrets of a supernatural nature from him. I tried to tell myself that was probably the reason for her vague answer.
"That's nice," Charlie replied cheerfully. He was pleased that Bella was doing as he'd asked and spending more time with her friends. He was still hoping that more time away from me would make her come to her senses and end our relationship.
"I'm glad you spent some time with your friends," He added.
"Me too," Bella answered. Her voice was slightly shaky now, and this confirmed to me that she knew I was in her room.
"I'm going to go study," she said grimly a moment later as she walked slowly up the stairs.
As she approached the door, Jacob Black's dank canine scent was more pungent, and I could smell the places that he'd touched her; he'd hugged her tightly, wrapping his arms around her waist, and held her hand. I suppressed another mad urge to destroy the entire contents of the room and stood motionless beside the window just beyond the sparse afternoon sunbeams that bathed the room in light.
The door opened and she stepped inside, her face full of apprehension. I glared at her wordlessly, too furious to say anything. If I spoke now, I would be screaming. She winced at the stony expression on my face and waited for me to say something first, but I wouldn't. She was the one who needed to answer for her fool's errand this morning.
"Hi," she said hoarsely after several long moments of silence.
Hi!?
She knew I was furious, she knew I was afraid for her safety, and all she could say was 'hi'? She was greeting me as if she hadn't risked her life to hang out with my mortal enemy after he and his pack had nearly attacked a member of my family a week ago! I didn't move; I couldn't. If I changed my position by a single centimeter I would explode and destroy the whole house and everything in it.
She paused again, clearly hoping I would respond to her in some way, but I couldn't. I tried to recall an incident where I was this angry before, and the only thing that came to mind was the fury I'd felt when the Volturi had denied my request to assist me in committing suicide two months ago.
"Er, so I'm still alive," she said awkwardly.
Still alive!! Was that how she gaged her safety? If she came out alive I should be okay with what she'd done?! Impossibly, my anger intensified. I was livid.
I growled too loudly. If the volume on Charlie's TV had been any quieter he would have heard me.
"No harm done," Bella said stubbornly. She shrugged as though this were a matter of little consequence.
Too exasperated to keep still any longer, I closed my eyes, hung my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. I was going to have to say something before she pushed me too far with her nonchalant attitude. I had to make her understand the seriousness of what she'd done.
"Bella," I said in a choked whisper as my hands curled into fists. "Do you have any idea how close I came to crossing the line today? To breaking the treaty and coming after you? Do you know what that would've meant.
Her heart rate accelerated at once and her breath caught in her throat. I looked up to meet her gaze and I saw anxiety there. I was finally getting somewhere.
"You can't!" she cried emphatically. Her voice was too loud and I was grateful again for the loud ball game Charlie was engrossed in. She took another deep breath to try to calm herself.
"Edward, they'd use any excuse for a fight," She continued in an angry hiss. "They'd love that! You can't ever break the rules!"
I sighed inaudibly. I had surmised as much from Jacob Black's arrogant disposition on Monday, but to hear Bella say it was another matter entirely. She knew they wanted to fight with us and at least had some understanding of the current tension and yet she'd still gone to La Push today.
Jacob Black meant that much to her. Jealousy burned inside me and fed the flames of my anger like gasoline.
"Maybe they aren't the only ones who would enjoy a fight," I retorted angrily as I imagined crushing Jacob Black's ribs before I ripped him apart.
"Don't you start," Bella argued stubbornly. "You made the treaty; you stick to it."
Ah, yes. Bella always made her choices and never veered from the path she selected. She expected me to do the same no matter what the circumstances were, and I couldn't. Not if her safety was in jeopardy.
"If he'd hurt you..." I began.
"Enough!" She interrupted furiously. "There's nothing to worry about. Jacob isn't dangerous."
Not dangerous!!! Was she insane? I was rendered speechless again for a moment, but finally I swallowed hard and managed to reply.
"Bella" I said, rolling my eyes in frustration and incredulity. "You aren't exactly the best judge of what is or isn't dangerous." She was dating a vampire, after all.
"I know I don't have to worry about Jake, and neither do you." She answered significantly.
I gritted my teeth together with an audible grating sound and tensed. Did she know that I was jealous on top of everything else? Surely she didn't think that was my entire motivation! I would never go to such lengths for jealousy, no matter how powerful or painful it was. I leaned against the wall as though I needed it for support.
Bella gave me a searching look and I stared back at her with furious black eyes. She swallowed a large gulp of air as though she were steeling herself for something and walked toward me. I remained statue still as I watched her approach.
She wrapped her soft warm arms around me. I loved the feel of her against me all the same and the electric pulse that always shot through me when she touched me was the same as always, but the embrace was marred by the scent of Jacob Black that still clung to her clothes, and I was still too furious to reciprocate. If I touched her in my current frame of mind, I might be too rough, and I hated smelling him on her.
"I'm sorry I made you anxious," she whispered sincerely over my shoulder.
I sighed as the words I'd waited to hear soothed me a little. I wrapped my arms around her, hoping futilely that my scent would mask his.
"Anxious is a bit of an understatement," I replied softy. "It was a very long day." There were no words to describe just how frantic I had been. She had no idea.
"You weren't supposed to know about it," she retorted. "I thought you'd be hunting longer."
I clenched my teeth together. She was planning to be keeping secrets from me about Jacob Black! What if I hadn't caught her? Would she have ever told me? Perhaps she would've lied by omission, or worse yet, made it a habit to visit him while I was "hiking".
She moved her head from my shoulder and stared up at me, registering the blackness of my eyes and the dark circles beneath them for the first time. She scowled at me, wondering why I was still thirsty. My throat burned at the thought. In spite of the wolf, I was starving; it had been too long since I'd hunted large game.
"When Alice saw you disappear, I came back," I replied in explanation.
Her frown deepened in disapproval. My eyes blazed with equal disdain for her choices.
"You shouldn't have done that," she admonished. "Now you'll have to go back."
I felt a terrible stab of guilt at the way her body tensed at the thought of my absence. She hated it when I left her. I knew it was hard for her, no matter how much she tried to hide it from me.
"I can wait," I assured her as my dry throat ached. I would wait if that's what she needed, no matter what Alice had seen me doing this weekend. If she was going to try to go to La Push every time I left, I wasn't going anywhere. Ever.
"That's ridiculous," She grumbled irritably. "I mean, I know she couldn't see me with Jacob, but you should've known..."
I should've known what? That she would be safe with a volatile, overconfident werewolf in a place where I couldn't check on her!
"But I didn't," I interrupted her angrily. "And you can't expect me to let you..."
"Oh yes I can," Bella cut me off, her voice just as angry as mine now. "That's exactly what I expect!"
She was serious! Insanity! I would not allow her to go somewhere I wasn't permitted to be with dangerous...people, if you could call them that.
"This won't happen again," I hissed finally through gritted teeth. I would not compromise on the matter, regardless of what she wanted.
My fury flared again and I eased my grip on her.
"That's right!" She replied forcefully. "Because you aren't going to overreact next time."
She actually thought I was overreacting! She'd seen Sam Uley's fiancee. I hadn't met the girl, but I knew about the terrible scars that ran down one side of her body. And Bella had seen them. Didn't she understand that the same thing could easily happen to her, or worse...
"Because there isn't going to be a next time," I insisted through my gritted teeth. My hands were still resting on the small of her back, but they were curled into fists once more.
"I understand when you have to leave even if I don't like it...." she blurted angrily.
My insides churned with anger and guilt. How could she try to compare my need to leave her in order to hunt with her visits to La Push? She knew that I would never leave her side if I had any other choice! I hated being away from her. The separations nearly made me feel physically ill; if it weren't for the fact that vampires couldn't get sick I would've been.
"That's not the same," I snapped defensively. "I'm not risking my life." And if I thought she would be risking hers while I was gone I never would've left to start with.
"Neither am I," she insisted. I could tell from the conviction in her deep brown eyes that she really believed that.
"Werewolves constitute a risk," I argued relentlessly. And the risks were far greater than her safety; the entire treaty could be at stake if she were injured on their lands. I would go after the whole tribe myself if any harm came to her.
"I disagree," she replied stubbornly, as if she could argue the point. I knew the facts were on my side and not hers, and I refused to relent. I clenched my fists more tightly.
"Is this really just about my safety?" she asked. An instant after the words left her mouth, her face seemed to contort with regret, as though she'd said too much.
"What do you mean?" I asked her defensively.
Perhaps she did know that I was jealous and she'd been hiding her suspicions from me. But did she really think I would react so strongly out of sheer jealousy? Surely she knew better than that. That part of the equation was nothing compared to my fears for her well being. If I thought she was safe with him, we wouldn't be having this argument.
"You aren't," she began, but paused with her mouth hanging open, apparently thinking better of what she was about to say. "I mean, you know better than to be jealous, right?"
I raised my eyebrow at her questioningly. I supposed it was time for me to be honest about my feelings on the subject.
"Do I?" I answered her question with another.
I waited for her response with bated breath. I knew that she loved me, but I wanted her to quell my doubts anyway. I needed to hear her say that I was more important to her than Jacob Black. Her choice to visit him today behind my back made me feel as though her worries about his feelings were more of a priority to her than mine right now. I had practically begged her to stay away from him less than two weeks ago, and I spent the whole morning in a state of panic, not to mention the fact that I was burning with thirst.
"Be serious," she replied with a roll of her eyes, as though my question was of no consequence. Did she really think I was made of stone on the inside, too? Incapable of feeling insecure in any way?
"Easily," I replied. "There's nothing remotely humorous about this." I was serious about all of it, including my jealousy. She needed to know that I wasn't taking any part of this mess lightly, especially not her safety. I waited for the reassurance I was seeking...
It never came.
She frowned at me through narrowed eyes, clearly skeptical about my motives.
"Or, is this about something else altogether? Some vampires and werewolves are always enemies nonsense? Is this just some testosterone fueled..."
I cut her off mid sentence as my anger flared hot again. How dare she suggest that my reaction was merely about prejudice!
"This is only about you," I growled emphatically. "All I care is that your safe." There were other concerns, but since she was obviously dismissing my insecurities as a joke, that was a moot point.
She studied my face intently for a moment, and found no insincerity in my eyes.
"Okay," she breathed. "I believe that, but I want you to know something; when it comes to all this enemies nonsense, I'm out. I am a neutral country. I am Switzerland. I refuse to be affected by territorial disputes between mythical creatures. Jacob is family. You are...well, not exactly the love of my life because I expect to love you for much longer than that. The love of my existence."
I breathed an internal sigh of relief at the last words she'd spoken. I had my reassurance. My reaction was too fleeting for her to notice, and she continued to speak.
"I don't care who's a werewolf and who's a vampire. If Angela turns out to be a witch, she can join the party too." she finished.
I squinted at her take on the situation. She still didn't understand. There were choices to be made. She said she'd decided to join my family and if that were the case, she couldn't be a part of his. There was no middle ground here.
"Switzerland," she repeated emphatically in response to the look on my face.
I thought about continuing this argument to make her understand. "Bella," I started, trying to decide how to phrase my rebuttal, but the fierce look on her face made me stop. Her chin was jutting out and her full lower lip was pouty and determined. She tightened her hold on me a little, and a powerful wave of pungent werewolf assailed my nostrils. I wrinkled my nose automatically.
"What now?" she said irritably. I sighed softly. It was time to drop the subject. For now, anyway.
"Well, don't be offended, but you smell like a dog," I quipped, smiling at her.
She smiled back.
"I'll just go grab a shower and change, then," she said. "On one condition of course."
"What condition?" I asked warily. She chuckled.
"You have to kiss me first."
"Done," I replied, feeling the familiar rush of electricity that jolted through me every time my lips touched hers.
She tightened her hold on me and her body melted against my chest. I deepened the kiss recklessly as all the intensity I'd felt today burst from me in a fit of passion. And in that moment, there was no treaty and no Jacob Black. There was only us.
Bella actually pulled away from me first for a change to catch her breath. I panted desperately, listening to the rush of blood that pounded through her with satisfaction. She was mine and nobody else's. She leaned in to kiss me again, but I stopped her, knowing that if I she didn't stop now I wouldn't be able to control myself.
"Shower," I reminded her, my voice low and uneven in my own ears.
"Shower," she repeated reluctantly. I laughed.
My phone let out a soft chime and I pulled it out of my pocket. I had a text message.
Meeting at the house in five minutes. Alice says all is safe with B. Come home now.
C.
"What is it?" Bella asked me curiously as she grabbed a change of clothes out of her closet.
"I need to go back home for a bit," I replied distractedly as I stared down at the message.
"Oh," she replied flatly, biting her lip. She didn't want me to go.
"I'll be back soon, love, I promise," I said with a small smile. I hoped it didn't look too forced. My anxiety had returned. She nodded, and I walked over to kiss her cheek before she left the room.
I stared down at the phone and cursed under my breath. This was not going to help my mood.
The others were already assembled in their usual places at the large mahogany table when I arrived three minutes later. Emmett and Jasper had returned home as well. Their eyes reflected their satiated thirst and Emmett winced at the ever present darkness in mine.
You should have stayed and finished hunting, bro. You're still thirsty and Carlisle, Rose and Jasper are pissed at you because Bella's stubborn and you're crazy. Emmett thought.
I'm sorry Edward. I never should've called you this morning, but I was almost as scared as you were, but you were a fool to think about crossing the line. I should've seen what you would do before I told you. Alice thought.
I don't like those wolves either, but thank goodness Carlisle and Alice stopped you. You could have gotten yourself and Bella killed. Esme admonished me wordlessly.
Impulsive reckless moron! I can't believe you nearly started a war. This just proves she's not ready to be one of us! If you broke the treaty it would have been all of our necks on the line... you'd better think of some way to reign Bella in so this doesn't happen again. Rosalie shouted silently.
I can excuse Bella because she's human, but you risked exposure for all of us! As if we need another reason for the Volturi to show up here! If Alice got hurt trying to stop you I would've ripped you apart myself. Jasper hissed mentally.
I suppressed a growl at the hypocrisy in some of the minds around me; each one of them would have reacted the same way that I did if it were their mates on the other side of the treaty line, and they knew it was worse for me. My love was a fragile, delicate human. I thought of Bella's tiny breakable body beside of Jacob Black's towering figure and I shuddered again. Thank God she was safe! But, I knew she was going to try to see him again. I had to keep an eye on her.
"If you're all finished castigating me with your minds, I would like to go back to Bella's," I snarled. In spite of my talk with Bella, I was still stressed about this morning's mess. This barrage of criticism was only intensifying my resentment; I could barely control the urge to break the table into splinters.
"We need to talk about this Edward," Carlisle said calmly. "What happened today is not something that we can afford to dismiss as an isolated loss of control on your part. Bella's actions were foolhardy and your fears for her safety were justified and understandable, but your decision to break our agreements with the Quileutes without a thought for the rest of us is alarming to say the least."
I lowered my head and sighed. I wasn't accustomed to being chastised by Carlisle.
"I'm sorry that you are all so upset with me, but I will not apologize for my reaction. I know your minds, and I dare any of you to try to tell me that you would have behaved any differently if your mates were in danger." My voice shook with suppressed anger, but I managed to keep my tone steady and even.
Rosalie opened her mouth to interrupt me, but Carlisle raised his hand at her in a gesture of silence.
"Bella is human," I continued, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. "And that complicates things even further. I worry about her safety incessantly and I won't apologize for trying to protect her today."
"Will you at least apologize for her stupidity?" Rosalie blurted. "What are you going to do with her, Edward? You can't just pick a fight with the werewolves because you think she might be too close to one of them!! It was ridiculous, selfish and..."
"And you have no right to lecture me!" I roared, jumping up from the table in a flash. "Weren't you the one who who nearly attacked a werewolf last weekend because Emmett got a little too close and the result was Victoria got away into the water over the line?!"
Rose growled at me, her thoughts a snarl of fury and swearwords.
Calm down, Edward! Don't talk to Rose like that! I don't want to fight with you for her, but I will. None of this was her fault and you know it! Emmett thought angrily.
"Enough," Carlisle said coolly but with authority. "Parceling blame for these issues isn't going to get us anywhere, and its not fair," He continued. "We need to come to a consensus about how to handle a potential situation with Bella and the wolves in the future. Edward, you cannot afford to react this way again if Bella decides to go to La Push."
"She won't be going back," I hissed emphatically through gritted teeth. Her words from earlier today rang in my ears before I even finished the sentence.
"I disagree." she'd said.
Carlisle's thoughts were skeptical.
"Bella is willful and clever," He replied with a slight shake of his head. "You cannot guarantee that she won't find a way to go back. She established strong ties with the wolves while we were gone, and her father has many close friends on the reservation. While I don't think it is in her best interest to continue to associate with the Quileutes, she may choose to do so."
"Over my pile of ashes," I snarled. "I will find a way to keep her away from them. You remember the story of what happened with the last pack and I saw it in his mind, Carlisle! I saw Josiah Clearwater's memories of killing his own wife and child when he lost control! And Sam Uley maimed his fiancee last year!"
"Yes," Carlisle replied with a sigh. "I am well aware of both events, and your fears are totally warranted, but all the same Edward, you can't control every move she makes."
And you really don't have the right to tell her what to do, He added mentally.
"Carlisle..." I started to argue angrily, though I knew that he was right. Bella was too stubborn for her own good, and I couldn't tell her what to do.
"Oh," Alice interrupted a moment later. All eyes turned to face her. "That's why you're going to get my Porsche this week!"
I saw an image in Alice's head of a disgruntled Bella in the Volvo with Alice, who was explaining to her that she would be spending the night at our house.
"I never thought of that," I said, relaxing a little.
"I think its going to work," Alice agreed with a small smile. Jasper looked at her with optimism as he registered the positive shift in her mood.
Emmett growled, typically impatient with the cryptic nature of the conversation.
"Will you two please stop acting like no one else is in the room and clue us in on what the hell you're talking about," Emmett said irritably. Why do they do that! Its freaking rude.
"All of the guys are going hunting for the weekend," Alice explained enthusiastically. "Edward is going to tell Bella you aren't leaving until Saturday, but you'll actually leave Thursday after school. Esme will call Charlie on Wednesday night and ask if Bella can stay with us Thursday and Friday night. I'll take her to and from school and then straight back home with me. She'll be under constant supervision until you all get home on Saturday!"
I breathed a deep sigh of relief. Italy aside, Alice deserved a Porsche for this idea.
"She won't like that," Emmett said with a snort. Wish I was going to be here to see the look on her face when Alice tells her. He added mentally.
"We'll make it fun for her, won't we, Alice," Esme said with a smile.
Great. We get to babysit this weekend. Rosalie thought sarcastically. Maybe I could use the time to my advantage, though. She needs to understand everything she's planning to throw away.
I gritted my teeth.
She was going to tell Bella her life story.
"What is that?" I asked Bella later that night as she returned to her room dressed for bed.
"What is what?" she asked me with a confused frown as she sat her little bag of bathroom items down on the dresser.
"What you're wearing," I gestured in a choked voice as I took in the sight of her pale shapely legs. I shifted on the little bed and covered myself with her quilt.
She was wearing a pair of royal blue silk pajamas that I knew she never would have purchased on her own. The shorts fit just above the knee and the spaghetti straps of the top were more revealing than anything I'd ever seen her in. If Alice were responsible for this I would wring her little neck.
"Oh," she said with a shrug. "Renee bought these for me a couple of years ago and I'd forgotten about them until I saw them in a drawer at her place when we visited. I figured I'd bring them back and use them. Why?"
"Nothing," I lied as I tried to think of anything but the way the top hugged her waist.
"What?" she repeated as she came to lay down beside me. I pulled in a shaky breath, but I didn't respond.
"Is there something wrong with my sleep attire?' she asked in a confused and doubtful voice. She had no idea what she was doing to me.
"Not wrong," I said, trying to clear my head of the pictures that were forming there. If my heart were still beating it would have been trying to pound its way out of my body. "It's just that I like them a little...too much." I managed finally.
"Do you?" she said, her cheeks flushing as a small smile curved her lips. She pressed herself closer to me, and I groaned.
"I do," I admitted, my voice a low, thick whisper.
"I guess I'll have to wear these a lot then." she murmured.
And then she was kissing me. Her lips left a trail of warmth as she made her way from my mouth to the base of my throat. I responded at once, unable to stop myself. I pulled her face away from my neck and pressed my lips to hers.
The feelings that rushed through me was pure desire, the burn in my throat was meaningless. My stomach tightened as she threaded her fingers through my hair, tugging it gently with every move of her mouth on mine.
I tightened my grip around her waist and she gasped in surprise. The sound brought me to my senses. I could hurt her.
"Stop," I pleaded when I finally managed to pull myself away from her.
"No," she insisted as she wrapped her leg around mine.
"Bella," I grumbled in warning. Immortal or not, she was killing me.
"I'm sorry," she said as she released me. "I know you're thirsty." She ran her fingers over the purple shadows under my black eyes.
Thirst was the least of my worries, but the mention of it reminded me of my plans for next weekend.
"I'm leaving on Saturday to hunt," I said, measuring her reaction carefully. Alice had promised me that Bella wouldn't be out of her sight, but if Bella seemed upset about this second trip, I had already decided I would stay home.
"That's fine," she replied, her face too calm to be believable. "I'll keep myself occupied."
I caught the meaning of her words at once and sighed. Alice's plan had better work.
"I'll miss you, but I'll keep myself safe and busy," she said as she took in the worried look on my face.
She would be busy alright, but it wasn't going to be in La Push.
"I know you'll be fine," I said confidently as she turned off the light. Alice would keep her safe. She stared at me intently and waited for me to warn her about going to La Push, but that wouldn't be necessary.
I looked at Bella's determined face and sighed.
Alice was going to earn her Porsche this weekend.