Chapter Four

"Goodbye Itachi-san, I'll miss you~!"

"Hn." Don't leave me. Itachi clutched the front of Kisame's cloak, not letting him go.

Kisame sighed, pulling Itachi's hands gently off his cloak and up to his lips, kissing them lightly. "I'll be back before tomorrow, I promise. And tomorrow we can spend all day together, just you and me."

He drew Itachi closer, cradling the smaller ninjas head against him. Itachi pressed his face into Kisame's warm chest and firmly wrapped his arms around him.

"Are we done yet?" grumbled Kakuzu, interrupting the heart-warming moment. He was still pissed off about not being able to fuck Hidan, and he still had that throbbing erection to remind him of it.

Itachi shot him daggers with his eyes, while Kisame simply ignored him, letting nothing divert his attention from his petite lover. The two went back to holding each other, muttering sweet nothings, and gazing into each other's eyes in adoration.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes impatiently. He let his mind wander while waiting for the annoying lovebirds to finish. This led him to the first thing on his mind which was, of course, Hidan... What the hell had just happened? Had Hidan really just denied them both sex? Kakuzu was truly bewildered; he had honestly believed that the world had to have been coming to an end for Hidan, self-proclaimed sex addict, to turn down a decent fuck – let alone from Kakuzu, and let alone halfway through foreplay. It truly was the unthinkable-

Kakuzu's reflection was came to an immediate halt when Kisame and Itachi began making out, making annoying gasps and sighs here and there, with Itachi clasping his arms around the shark's neck and Kisame running his hands through his weasel's hair.

"Kisame..!" gasped Itachi as Kisame attacked his neck. Immediately he turned red at the sound of his own desperate and high-pitched voice, no doubt fretting about damaging his inflated ego and Uchiha pride and what not. "I mean, I-"

"You can say my name anyway you want babe," growled Kisame. Immediately he turned white at the sound of his predatory and aggressive voice, no doubt cursing his bloodline for his animalistic tendencies, despite the rarity of their appearances. "No, what I meant was... uh..."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes at the boring and annoyingly naive exchange of words. What monotony, he thought.

"We're wasting time, and time is money. Let's go," he said and proceeded to drag Kisame by the back of his cloak, away from Itachi and towards their mission.

"Wha..! No! Itachi-san I'm sorryyyyyyyy! I love youuuuuuuu!"

Kakuzu coughed awkwardly, preparing himself to ask a question that could be potentially humiliating for himself, not to mention damaging to his ego.

"... Kisame? I need your advice," he started.

"Yes? What is it, Kakuzu-san?" answered Kisame. The two were walking side by side along a dirt track surrounded by forest, on their way back to the Akatsuki base. The mission had gone smoothly and they were sure to pocket a few thousand ryo from the Leader as soon as they returned, but for once, Kakuzu had too much on his mind to even care about the money.

"Say you're in the middle of an intimate situation with your lo- partner, and it appeared that you were progressing towards, something more..." said Kakuzu, choosing his words carefully and avoiding specific details; it was shameful enough for him to be asking someone for relationship advice, let alone someone less than half his age. "How would you interpret it if he was to suddenly stop in the middle of things, without any sort of warning?"

"Huh..." said Kisame, feeling equally as awkward. To think Kakuzu would ever ask for advice on sex..! It wasn't uncommon in the Akatsuki base to witness Hidan strutting around with a massive smirk on his face, bragging something along the lines of: "Kuzu-chan has the biggest cock in the Akatsuki" or "last night we fucked seven times without a single break" or "once he caught me masturbating and thought I wasn't getting enough, so he screwed me so fucking hard I passed out!" Everyone believed the Zombie Duo to have the most experience, and they were right in believing so.

Kisame cleared his throat in a poor attempt to sever the tension in the air. "Excuse me for being quite forward, Kakuzu-san, but perhaps you were... forcing yourself onto Hidan-san? And he just wasn't 'in the mood', so to speak?"

Kakuzu groaned, face-palming inwardly. It seemed the fact that he and Hidan enjoyed a bit of S and M was relatively well known within the Akatsuki. Admittedly, they weren't exactly secretive about their sex life (well Hidan wasn't, at least)... it was probably a good time to start.

"No, I don't think that was the problem..." mumbled Kakuzu, keeping his eyes on the ground before him.

"Tobi knows the problem~!" said an all too familiar voice from behind them.

Kisame whirled around in shock as Tobi jumped down from a tree several feet away, in which he had apparently been hiding. "Tobi? What are you doing here?"

"Leader-sama sent me at the last minute. Someone needs to keep an eye on you!" He exclaimed innocently, yet for a split second a malicious red glint in his eye could be seen for anyone who paid attention. Not that anyone ever did.

Dear God, could my day get any worse..? thought Kakuzu, trying his best to ignore Tobi, who skipped up happily to his fellow Akatsuki and proceeded to voice his opinion on Kakuzu's dilemma.

"Tobi thinks you should be more lovey-dovey towards Hidan-sempai~! If you give him what he wants, he will be happy. When Zetsu-san cuddles Tobi, Tobi gets very happy and lets him have more sex! And then Zetsu-san gets more excited because Tobi is happy, and his two halves fight over me like crazy! And Tobi gets excited too, because it's like a threesome! And it's so much kinkier that way~!" Tobi yapped on excitedly, completely oblivious to the horrified stares that the other two were giving him.

"TOBI. ENOUGH." Kakuzu gritted through his teeth, unappreciative of the disturbing images he was starting to get.

"Waaah~! I'm sorry, Kakuzu-san!" wailed Tobi, but he shut up nonetheless. He often acted stupid, but he knew enough not to get on Kakuzu's bad side; he had heard the stories about Kakuzu's unfortunate partners before Hidan, and angering Kakuzu seemed like the ideal way to meet the same fate.

Although slightly sickened by the turn of the conversation, Kakuzu thought about Tobi's suggestion.

Maybe the rape and the tentacles are a bit overkill at times, although I thought he liked it... Showing more affection couldn't hurt, I guess. I mean it would be kind of unnatural, seeing as our whole relationship consists of just fighting and fucking. But change could be good. And, as that damned Tobi put it, if Hidan was happy, he might allow me to have more sex. Doesn't sound half bad...

It was decided – he would take Tobi's advice.