AN: This one coincides with Chapter 12-Time in Eclipse. I divided it up a little differently than it's done in the book for continuity purposes. I've always thought the chapter layout in Eclipse was a little strange at times, so I hope you don't mind. All characters, plots and situations of the Twilight saga are the property of Stephenie Meyer. I am not affiliated with any entertainment company and I will not profit from this work. Portions of dialogue from Eclipse are used out of necessity for story development…blah blah…all the usual disclaimer stuff. Please review.
Song for this chapter: I was in an oldies mood I guess. Don't laugh at me.
Time After Time, by Allred. I like their mellow acoustic version of this classic, and I thought it fit.
Chapter 10-Perspectives
"You have to tell her," I said insistently to Alice as we drove toward Bella's house to pick her up for school on Monday morning. "You've already seen she's not going to be happy with either of us if you don't."
"A surprise party isn't a surprise if the guest of honor knows about it," Alice argued, rolling her eyes at me. I know Bella will be more upset if I wait because I've seen it but she'll get over it. She'd never make a scene in front of a bunch of humans no matter how annoyed she gets, and it'll be a nice distraction from everything that's going on. She won't let you buy her a graduation gift, so what else is there? She thought.
I gritted my teeth in irritation at this reminder. Bella had always insisted that I refrain from purchasing things for her on special occasions…well, on any occasion, really. It was a sore subject with me.
There were so many things I wanted to give my Bella. She refused to allow me to spoil her, and I had more money than I could ever hope to spend even if I lived for another millennium. Cars, clothes, vacations…I'd fantasized about all of it a thousand times.
But, the gift I wanted to offer her the most hadn't cost me a dime, and she didn't want that either. My mother's ring was still hidden away in my room, waiting for Bella to claim it.
"Isn't there anything I can get for her that she'd take with good grace?" I asked Alice again. She knew specifically what I was talking about.
She paused for a moment, searching…
"No," Alice replied. "She isn't quite ready yet, but I can still see a summer wedding, so it won't be long now." She smiled, and the confidence she felt would've been obvious even if I hadn't been able to read her mind.
"Are you sure?" I asked her doubtfully.
"Yes, Edward," She replied in an exasperated voice. "The only time it vanishes is when she's with that dog."
I felt as though someone had cut me in half at her words, which she regretted at once.
"You know that everything vanishes when she's with the wolves," Alice reminded me soothingly as we pulled into the driveway beside Bella's antique truck.
Yes, I knew that. The logical part of my mind could acknowledge that Bella's future disappearing when she was with Jacob was nothing outside of the normal limitations of Alice's abilities. But my heart was another story.
I knew that Bella loved me completely; far more than I could ever deserve. She had risked her life repeatedly to be with me. She knew what I was, and even when she'd been under the ludicrous impression that I did not love her in return, she'd travelled halfway around the world to save me from the Volturi, and from myself. I felt that love every single time she touched me.
But I also knew she cared deeply for Jacob Black and that he wasn't finished pursuing her. I wondered again if his pushiness would pay off. Would she realize that he could give her things that I couldn't? She could keep her mortality, her parents, have babies…How I wished Bella could have my child!
My reverie was interrupted by the sound of Bella's footsteps on the stairs. I jumped out of the car and moved as quickly as I could without being conspicuous to the front door. I was simply unable to wait for her to come outside. We'd only been apart for 48 minutes but I needed to see her now.
"Good morning, again," she smiled as she tossed her backpack aside and threw herself into my arms.
"Good morning again to you too," I said brightly. I was thrilled at how eager she was to see me, especially since I'd been gone for less than an hour.
She kissed me softly before pulling away to grab her backpack. Naturally, I had already picked it up for her.
"You're still so tired, love," I said as I stroked her face, tracing the circles under her deep brown eyes with my thumbs. She'd been out too late the night before. I cursed Jacob in my head again.
"I'm fine," she said, stifling a contradictory yawn. "I'll go to be early tonight or something."
"Okay, you two," Alice called. "If you don't hurry, even Edward's driving won't be enough to keep us from being late, and Mr. Greene will give all three of us detention."
We made it to class on time, though we had mere minutes to spare. Bella was distracted throughout the school day, and I spent most of it watching her carefully. I knew she was still worried about Victoria and the trouble brewing in Seattle, but I couldn't think of anything to say to alleviate her fears.
We were walking out to the car that afternoon when I reminded Alice that she needed to tell Bella about the party. I'd heard the eager thoughts of many members of the senior class who had already received invitations. It was only a matter of time before Bella figured out what was going on, and if she heard about Alice's plans from someone else she would be furious.
"Do it now," I whispered in a voice that was too quiet for Bella to hear.
"Fine," Alice replied in an irritable, but equally soft voice. She's not going to be thrilled about it, but she won't put up too much of a fight, so I guess its okay. I hate to ruin the surprise though. She added silently.
"I have foreseen...," Alice said in an excellent imitation of one of those strange and unnerving carnival soothsayers.
Bella stopped walking and gaped at Alice in alarm. I squeezed her little hand gently in a gesture of reassurance as I glowered at Alice for a split second. She ignored the warning looks so I tried to elbow her in the ribs. She avoided my jab easily.
"This is not funny, Alice," I said too fast and quiet for Bella to even notice I'd spoken.
"Fine," she groused. I was just trying to lighten the mood. You didn't have to try to injure me. She thought.
"Edward is making me do this," Alice grumbled to Bella, her shoulders sagging infinitesimally. "But I did foresee that you would be more difficult if I surprised you."
"In English?" Bella said impatiently. She was still anxious, though my calm demeanor seemed to have eased her worries a bit.
"Don't be a baby about this. No tantrums." Alice warned her.
"Now I'm scared." Bella replied, tensing up slightly.
"So you're—I mean we're—having a graduation party. It's no big thing; nothing to freak out over. But I saw that you would freak out if I tried to make it a surprise party," Alice said quickly.
The excitement in Alice's voice softened me. I knew from her thoughts that she just wanted to give her best friend a normal teenage graduation experience. I appreciated her intensions, even if Bella didn't. I extended my hand in a futile attempt to affectionately rumple up her perfect hair and she moved gracefully out of the way.
Nice try, brother. She thought. I chuckled softly.
"And Edward said I had to tell you. But it's nothing…promise," She continued reassuringly to Bella.
"Is there any point in arguing?" Bella asked rhetorically as she let out an exasperated sigh.
"None at all," Alice assured her.
"Okay, Alice. I'll be there. And I'll hate every minute of it…promise."
Bella replied and her voice was full of resignation.
"That's the spirit," Alice said cheerfully. "By the way, I love my gift. You shouldn't have."
"Alice, I didn't!" Bella exclaimed, looking at me with confused desperation on her face. I frowned at Alice in a halfhearted way.
"Oh, I know that. But you will." Alice answered. Sorry, Edward. It's too much fun to tease her. I can't help myself. Besides, you know how much I want to see All American Rejects live.
I watched Bella's facial expression change from panicked to pensive as she tried to think of what she was going to buy Alice.
"Amazing," I grumbled, suppressing a laugh. "How can someone so tiny be so annoying?"
Alice laughed. "It's a talent." That wasn't so bad. I'm glad you convinced me to tell her now. She needs something more mundane to focus on.
"Couldn't you have waited a few weeks to tell me about this?" Bella asked irritably. "Now I'll just be stressed that much longer."
Alice and I exchanged fleeting and confused glances before she turned her attention back to Bella. What did she mean a few weeks? Graduation was just around the corner. Did she think we would wait until the summer holidays were in full swing before we had the party? I thought about just how close we were to the end of school…to the end of her human life.
My chest twisted with anguish and a hint of selfish eagerness.
"Bella," Alice said slowly. "Do you know what day it is?"
I don't think she realizes just how close graduation is. It's not like her to lose track of things this way. She's more stressed than I thought. Alice said silently.
I frowned doubtfully at my sister. Surely Bella wasn't so preoccupied that she would lose more than a week's worth of time.
"Monday?" Bella replied, and the word sounded like a question.
Alice rolled her eyes impatiently. "Yes. It is Monday...the fourth."
She answered as she gently turned Bella around and gestured toward a large sign hanging in the hallway beside the main exit.
Bella gasped as she read the yellow poster with the date of graduation written in bold black letters on it. She laid her hand on her heart as though she'd just received a terrible shock.
"It's the fourth? Of June? Are you sure?" Bella choked.
Alice shook her head in a gesture of mock disappointment as I simultaneously raised my eyebrows in surprise.
Alice was right; Bella really had lost track of time. I felt a terrible pang in my chest for all the stress and suffering she'd endured in the last month.
"It can't be! How did that happen?" Bella cried, as she counted the days in a whisper to herself. Her face was the milk white and her heart was beating faster than normal. Why was she so anxious? Surely she wasn't this afraid of a graduation party! It was short notice, to be sure, but still it was just a party.
With sudden, sick clarity I thought of the last time Alice had thrown her a party. The events of that wretched night that had been the catalyst that drove me to make the biggest mistake of my entire existence. Was this latest social gathering that my sister was trying to arrange dredging up terrible memories for her? Or was there something else?
We walked in silence the rest of the way to the car. She didn't acknowledge me as I held the car door open for her.
Bella didn't say a word as we drove down the winding lanes toward our house. Alice tried to engage her in small talk a couple of times, but she didn't respond.
"Can you see anything about what might be bothering her?" I whispered quickly to Alice as we passed a group of log trucks that were driving too slowly.
"No," Alice replied in a quiet but firm voice as she scooted toward the middle of the backseat to rest her chin on my headrest. "And I'm not looking." She obviously doesn't want to talk about whatever it is and I won't invade her privacy to satisfy your curiosity. She thought.
My shoulders slumped guiltily as we pulled into the driveway. Alice was right; I had no business trying to persuade her to use her talents to gain insight into Bella's silent mind.
"I'll see you guys later," Alice said cheerfully as she got out of the car. Be patient, Edward. She'll talk to you when she's ready. She added mentally to me as she closed the car door and flitted down the driveway at the speed of light.
Bella didn't respond to Alice's goodbye, and my desperation to get her to talk intensified as we pulled back on to the highway.
"We don't have any homework tonight," I said lamely, trying to start a conversation about something…anything.
"Uh huh," Bella replied in flat voice as she stared out the window at the sheeting rain. Could I have chosen a more uninteresting topic?
"Charlie's going to be working late, too," I went on, trying to get more of a response from her. "So we'll have the house to ourselves." I reached over and stroked her arm in a subtly suggestive manner.
Bella shivered slightly at my touch, but she didn't reply. Whatever she was thinking about was clearly disturbing. Was this really about the party?
The road twisted and turned before me, and the silence spiraled out of control, causing my mind to wander down dark and familiar paths.
I could see the scene as clearly as if I were living in that moment again. Roses and shattered crystal mingled with Bella's blood, Jasper's blank bestial face as he lunged toward her…
"I've seen what this will do to her, Edward! And it's terrible!" Alice had shouted at me later that same night when I told them I wanted us to leave Forks for Bella's sake.
The last time Alice had thrown Bella a party, the disastrous consequences had nearly ended both of our lives. No wonder she was upset. I should never have agreed to allow Alice to do this.
What would I give to turn back the clock and change what I had done that day? What would I sacrifice to have an opportunity to undo the damage and erase Jacob Black's presence in her life?
I shook my head imperceptibly as though I could physically remove these bleak and pointless thoughts from my mind. I watched Bella carefully as I crossed into the city limits of Forks. She was still so distracted that I wondered if something far more sinister was troubling her. Victoria?
Bella jumped when I parked the car in Charlie's driveway, startled by the stop.
"Are you alright, Love?" I asked her worriedly as I opened the passenger side door for her.
"Fine," she mumbled as she climbed clumsily out of the car and began fumbling for her keys. I took them gently from her hands and unlocked the front door.
I carefully placed Bella's hand in my own and led her to the living room sofa. She was running her teeth over her lower lip in a rapid and anxious sort of way as she stared unseeingly out of the living room window. I was growing more alarmed and impatient by the second. I started to question her a half dozen times as the rain dissipated and the sky darkened. But I remembered Alice's words and restrained myself until the silence was too much to bear. I finally reached over and with a feather light touch I cradled her warm face in my cold hands to get her attention.
"Would you please tell me what you are thinking? Before I go mad?"
I begged her, searching the depths of her warm brown eyes for some clue as to what was troubling her. I could hear her heart thudding steadily in her chest, but there was no air moving through her lungs, and her lips were pale from the lack of oxygen.
"Your lips are white. Talk, Bella," I insisted as I ran my thumb over her soft mouth.
She let out the breath she'd been holding for the last 78 seconds and I relaxed a little when her mouth returned to its usual perfect shade of pink.
The date took me off guard," She said quietly. "That's all."
I stared at Bella intently, waiting for her to elaborate. Should I have insisted that Alice tell her about the party earlier? Or was this about another event that was fast approaching?
"After graduation?" Bella had asked Carlisle during that sham of a family meeting back in March where we'd discussed her mortality.
"You have my word," Carlisle had replied.
Suddenly I was sure Bella's anxiety had nothing to do with Alice's little celebration.
"I'm not sure what to do...what to tell Charlie...what to say...how to..." Bella said as she confirmed my suspicions. Her voice faded at the end as the rest of the sentence seemed to catch in her throat.
"This isn't about the party?" I asked rhetorically as the rain picked up again. I knew the answer already.
"No, but thanks for reminding me, she replied with a frown.
"You're not ready," I said quietly, and the shameful longing and sadness I didn't want to feel was thick and obvious in every word.
"I am," she answered automatically. But the slight tremor in her voice said otherwise. "I have to be."
My chest ached at the fear and resignation in her voice. She was thinking of Victoria and the Volturi. Was fear the only reason she still intended to go through with her transformation? If she was safe from the guard and Victoria, would she choose to hold on to her humanity? The pain in my still heart intensified.
"You don't have to be anything." I insisted vehemently. I would not allow her to be forced into this life. I remembered the promise I had made to myself last spring when I'd first decided to pursue her; it would always be her choice, no matter what I wanted.
"Victoria, Jane, Caius, whoever was in my room...!"Bella argued in a high pitched anxious voice.
The confirmation of my suspicions about her motives was physically painful, and I was surprised at the depths of my pain. I knew that I had accepted her choice to become immortal, that I even wanted it for my own selfish reasons; I had even offered to do it myself as an incentive to get her to accept my marriage proposal. But until now I had no idea just how painful it would be for me if she changed her mind. Or worse yet, she went through with the transformation for all the wrong reasons. But it didn't matter what I wanted; this was about her.
"All the more reason to wait," I insisted.
"That doesn't make any sense, Edward!" Bella cried, and I could feel the tension in every cell of her body as she spoke.
I tightened my hold on her soft cheeks, willing her to calm down with my fingers as I tried to soothe her.
"Bella, not one of us had a choice," I said carefully. I knew that if she thought I was trying to find excuses to prevent her from carrying out her plans with Carlisle, she wouldn't listen to anything I said.
"You've seen what it's done...to Rosalie especially," I continued patiently. "We've all struggled, trying to reconcile ourselves with something we had no control over. I won't let it be that way for you. You will have a choice."
"I've already made my choice." Bella insisted predictably. She was so stubborn. I knew that she was the kind of person who thought things out, made a decision and followed through with it. Bella didn't change her mind once it was made up, but I wanted her to have time. This decision, once it was carried out, was irreversible. It was in essence a death sentence. She would be killing her humanity.
"You aren't going through with this because a sword is hanging over your head." I said fiercely as I continued to stroke her face with the pads of my thumbs. The soft warmth beneath my cold hard fingers was so perfect, so alive, and I wouldn't take that life from her body because of Aro and Victoria.
"We will take care of the problems, and I will take care of you," I promised. No matter what I had to do, no matter what I had to sacrifice, she would be safe.
"When we're through it, and there is nothing forcing your hand, then you can decide to join me, if you still want to, but not because you're afraid. You won't be forced into this."
I would not allow Bella to go through with becoming a vampire if she had any doubts whatsoever. And, I knew from the conversation I'd had with my family the night before about her change that Carlisle wouldn't either.
"Carlisle promised after graduation." Bella responded automatically in a whisper. My marriage proposal was clearly the furthest thing from her mind.
"Not until you're ready," I repeated, thinking of more than just her transformation, "and definitely not while you feel threatened."
Bella didn't respond; she merely leaned further into my touch, and I knew her concession meant that she wasn't as sure as she'd been before. Images of us in the cozy home I'd purchased in New Hampshire swam to the surface of my mind again. Perhaps convincing Bella to give me more time wasn't an impossibility after all.
Then I remembered what Alice had said about a summer wedding. If she did give me more time, would that mean she wasn't going to marry me? My heart ached with longing as I pictured her walking toward me on Charlie's arm in a white dress again. I forced myself to abandon those thoughts. Right now, I was just grateful she wasn't putting up a fight about my insistence that she wait until things quieted down to be changed.
"There." I said gently, relieved that she wasn't going to argue now, "nothing to worry about."
Bella laughed, and the sound was humorless and shaky. "Nothing but impending doom," she said.
"Trust me," I implored, begging her not to allow her fears to cloud her better judgment.
"I do." She replied earnestly. I smiled briefly, but my grin faded when I noticed that she was still pensive and tense. Her expressive eyes were full of worry.
"Can I ask you something?" She said, biting her lip apprehensively. My insides tightened nervously as I wondered what was bothering her. It couldn't be anything more stressful than her fears about immortality could it?
"Anything," I said soothingly. The look on her face told me that she was afraid to bring up whatever she was anxious about. She paused for a moment, and my curiosity intensified.
"What am I getting Alice for graduation?" She asked unexpectedly.
I laughed at the abrupt change of subject. She clearly wasn't ready to broach her other concerns.
"It looked like you were getting us both concert tickets—" I replied.
I started to press her to ask the question she'd really wanted me to answer, but she spoke before the words could form on my lips.
"That's right!" She exclaimed, clearly relieved at my answer, "the concert in Tacoma. I saw an ad in the paper last week, and I thought it would be something you'd like, since you said it was a good CD."
"It's a great idea. Thank you." I agreed with a smile. Alice was going to be thrilled.
"I hope it's not sold out." Bella replied, a slight frown creasing her forehead. I started to tell her that Alice knew she would have no trouble getting the tickets, but it didn't seem important. We had deeper matters to discuss.
"It's the thought that counts. I ought to know." I teased, hoping to lighten the mood before I pressed her to talk to me about what was really on her mind.
She sighed and gave me a small smile in response to my lame joke, but her eyes were still full of unanswered questions.
"There's something else you meant to ask," I said matter-of-factly.
She scowled at me, and I could tell she was slightly irritated. "You're good."
"I have lots of practice reading your face," I replied. It was the only way I could get the slightest impression of what she was thinking after all. "Ask me." I implored.
She closed her eyes and buried her face in my chest. I could feel her trembling slightly. I braced myself. Whatever she was going to ask was clearly frightening for her.
"You don't want me to be a vampire." She whispered into the cotton of my shirt.
"No, I don't," I replied, frowning curiously as I ran my fingers through her long silky hair. There was a very pregnant pause, and I grew impatient as I waited for her to continue.
"That's not a question," I said when it became clear that she wasn't going to elaborate.
"Well...I was worrying about...why you feel that way." She said nervously.
"Worrying?" I repeated in surprise. I was completely baffled. What on earth was she talking about? Why would she be worried about my feelings on the matter? I marveled at how she always managed to confound me with her silent mind.
"Would you tell me why?" She asked, and there was a note of pleading in her voice, "the whole truth, not sparing my feelings?"
I paused as I tried to make sense of what she was asking. My fears about her soul were easy enough to explain, and I had mentioned my concerns numerous times, but I always left out the selfish part of my feelings. I had never wanted to reveal to her the deep seeded desire I had to keep her with me forever. I was terrified that it might influence her decision.
"If I answer your question, will you then explain your question?"
I asked confusedly.
She nodded without removing her face from my chest. Her little body was still full of a tension I couldn't comprehend. I took a deep breath.
"You could do so much better, Bella. I know that you believe I have a soul, but I'm not entirely convinced on that point, and to risk yours..."
I stopped in mid sentence. Bella already knew how I felt about her soul, but I had never been able to tell her the rest. Now it seemed that I had no choice but to do so. Bella had asked me for the whole truth, and I could not deny her anything. She was perfectly still in my arms, holding her breath as she waited for me to continue.
"For me to allow this—to let you become what I am just so that I'll never have to lose you—is the most selfish act I can imagine. I want it more than anything, for myself. But for you, I want so much more. Giving in—it feels criminal. It's the most selfish thing I'll ever do, even if I live forever. If there were any way for me to become human for you—no matter what the price was, I would pay it."
I said all of this in one breath out of fear that I would lose my nerve. I waited for her to react. She didn't move for a moment, but suddenly, I felt her lips turn up into a smile, tickling my sternum. My answer obviously pleased her more than I'd imagined, because I felt the rest of her body relax. How strange!
"So...it's not that you're afraid you won't...like me as much when I'm different—when I'm not soft and warm and I don't smell the same? You really do want to keep me, no matter how I turn out?"
I let out a disbelieving sigh as I tried to suppress a laugh. Was this the only thing she was afraid of? How twisted her mind was sometimes! Would I ever figure her out?
"You were worried I wouldn't like you?" I asked incredulously. Bella looked up at me and nodded slightly. At her response I found that I could no longer contain myself. I burst out laughing at the absurdity of her concerns.
"Bella, for a fairly intuitive person, you can be so obtuse!" I exclaimed, wondering how in the world she could ever think I wouldn't want her. Her every breath was beautiful and perfect. I loved her with everything inside me and I always would, no matter how she changed, or didn't. She began to laugh with me, and I could hear the relief in her chuckles. She had truly been worried about this.
I imagined what it would feel like to be able to hunt with her, to hold her as tightly as I wished without fear of hurting her…to touch her all over. I could keep her forever. She would never grow old and die.
"I don't think you realize how much easier it will be for me, Bella, when I don't have to concentrate all the time on not killing you." I said truthfully. My laughter had ceased, but I was still astonished by her outlandish and unfounded fears."Certainly, there are things I'll miss. This for one..."
I gazed intently into her deep brown eyes and thought of how I would miss their chocolate depths when they were at first crimson and then gold. I stroked her cheek, watching it flush with pleasure at my touch.
"And the sound of your heart," I continued as I listened to the even rhythm of life beneath her chest. It was music to my sensitive ears. "It's the most significant sound in my world. I'm so attuned to it now, I swear I could pick it out from miles away."
"But neither of these things matter," I said quietly. "This," I continued as I took her face in my hands again, savoring the warmth that quickly spread from the tips of my fingers to my palms. "You, that's what I'm keeping. You'll always be my Bella, you'll just be a little more durable."
Bella exhaled in relief as she closed her eyes and leaned into my touch again.
I thought explicitly about how I would be able to use that durability to my advantage. But even after she was changed I wouldn't do those things with her until we were married.
If we were ever married…
Abruptly, I decided that since we were being so open with each other, it might be a good time for me to get some answers about our future together as well. She had been worried I wouldn't want her once she was immortal. Now I needed to know if she would want me. Did she want to be transformed before she decided whether or not she wished to spend eternity with me? Was that the reason she didn't want to solidify our commitment to each other, or was there more to it?
"Now will you answer a question for me; the whole truth, not sparing my feelings?" I asked, feeling my chest constrict with fear as the words left my mouth.
"Of course," Bella replied immediately. She looked puzzled but eager to reciprocate my candor. My throat tightened in spite of her expression and I had to force the words out.
"You don't want to be my wife." I said in a thick whisper.
Bella's physical reaction was instantaneous. Her heart stuttered before it began to beat so hard and fast that it seemed to be in danger of leaping out of her chest. Her body temperature dropped by one and a half degrees, and I could smell the cold sweat that dewed on her palms and the back of her neck.
The pain that I felt at her response threatened to crush me as I tried to understand her aversion to marriage. Was it marriage in general or was it just me? Perhaps her most recent visit to La Push had something to do with her reluctance.
"That's not a question," she said after a long pause. She was being deliberately evasive as usual, and I knew that she was trying to keep from hurting me.
I dropped my gaze to her hands, which were resting in her lap. Without even thinking about what I was doing, I grasped her bare left hand in mine.
"I was worrying about why you felt that way," I repeated her words as I stroked her unadorned ring finger. I imagined for the millionth time how it would feel to slip my mother's ring onto that finger. How the oval shaped diamond would sparkle against her perfect ivory skin…
Bella gulped before she answered in a strained whisper.
"That's not a question, either," she said.
"Please, Bella?" I murmured, unable to keep the desperation out of my voice. I was terrified of what she was going to say, but truthfully, the suspense was killing me anyway. I needed to know why she didn't want to marry me.
"The truth?" she croaked, and if it weren't for my supernatural hearing, I would have needed to read her lips to understand.
"Of course. I can take it, whatever it is." I assured her as I imagined different things she might say and tried to prepare myself for the worst.
I'm sorry Edward, but I just don't think I'm ready to commit to you because of what you did last fall…
Who knows what I'll want once I'm changed, Edward. I'm not sure I could handle being married to the same person for eternity…
I was talking to Jacob yesterday and I realized that I'm not ready to make so many huge decisions yet…
Bella inhaled deeply as she prepared to speak. I still couldn't look at her.
"You're going to laugh at me," she said.
My head jerked up a fraction of a second later as shock flooded through me. I studied the expression on her face carefully for a long moment. Her face was still ghostly white and her heart thudded faster than ever, but she looked oddly embarrassed.
"Laugh? I echoed, almost stumbling over the word. "I cannot imagine that." I had scarcely ever been less amused.
"You'll see," she mumbled against my shirt. I could feel the blood rapidly rushing to her cheeks. She was embarrassed. Why?
"Okay, fine! I'm sure this will sound like some big joke to you, but really! It's just so...so...so embarrassing!" She said irritably as she buried her face into my chest once more.
I sat stock still as I waited for her to elaborate but she didn't. My desperation intensified with every passing second and finally I could no longer stand the silence.
"I'm not following you." I said as calmly as I could manage. I hoped she couldn't hear the trembling in my voice.
She raised her head and met my eyes. The expression on her face was so defensive it was almost angry. My chest tightened further like the strings of a guitar, ready to snap under the pressure.
"I'm not that girl, Edward; the one who gets married right out of high school like some small-town hick who got knocked up by her boyfriend!" Bella exclaimed abruptly.
"Do you know what people would think? Do you realize what century this is? People don't just get married at eighteen! Not smart people, not responsible, mature people! I wasn't going to be that girl! That's not who I am...." She faltered. Her heart was still beating faster than usual, but she wasn't as anxious.
I felt the wire tight tension relax slightly, but I couldn't be completely satisfied with this answer. Was her reluctance merely about 21st century social norms? Surely Bella wasn't worried about small town gossip or even her parents for that matter; there had to be more to her hesitation. Bella had never been interested in what others thought of her. Besides it was her intention to sever her ties with the human world in a matter of weeks. I waited for her to outline the other reasons for her reluctance, but she was silent. She watched me intently for a long moment, and I realized she was waiting for my reaction.
"That's all?" I asked her.
She blinked up at me in surprise. "Isn't that enough?"
My insides relaxed a bit more, but I kept my face neutral. I wanted to make sure she didn't think I was dismissing her feelings on the subject.
"It's not that you were...more eager for immortality itself than for just me?" I asked, fumbling for the words for a moment. It was a difficult question for me to ask even though I was pretty certain she had already given me her complete answer. Yet, I needed to hear the words.
Bella gaped at me in surprise for a split second before she burst out laughing.
"Edward!" She admonished me when she was finally able to speak. "And here...I always...thought that...you were...so much...smarter than me!"
I held her tightly against me as laughter bubbled up in my chest, too. The tone of my amusement sounded slightly hysterical to my own ears. My newfound inner peace was indescribable. I hadn't felt this warm inside since the day she'd forgiven me for leaving her.
"Edward," she said finally once her laughter had subsided. "There's no point to forever without you. I wouldn't want one day without you."
The fervent sincerity in her voice made me feel like flying.
"Well, that's a relief," I said. This was a colossal understatement, of course, but it would suffice for now.
"Still...it doesn't change anything." Bella said in a more serious voice now. She was clearly wondering what we had accomplished by discussing the matter. She must've failed to notice just how important her answer was to me. I needed to explain myself.
"It's nice to understand, though," I said in response. "And I do understand your perspective, Bella, truly I do. But I'd like it very much if you'd try to consider mine."
I stared intently at her somber face, and I saw that she was hanging on my every word. I took a deep breath.
"You see, Bella, I was always that boy. In my world, I was already a man," I explained. "I wasn't looking for love—no, I was far too eager to be a soldier for that; I thought of nothing but the idealized glory of the war that they were selling prospective draftees then—but if I had found..."
I stopped for a moment as I remembered vaguely how desperate my mother had been to keep me from joining the army. She tried repeatedly to convince me to look for a suitable wife, follow in my father's footsteps and choose law school over war. She'd even gone as far as to try to arrange a formal courtship with the daughter of one of my father's law partners. But, I didn't find her the least bit attractive. I was completely disinterested in women.
"I was going to say if I had found someone, but that won't do. If I had found you, there isn't a doubt in my mind how I would have proceeded," I continued as I pushed the dim human memories out of my head. "I was that boy, who would have—as soon as I discovered that you were what I was looking for—gotten down on one knee and endeavored to secure your hand. I would have wanted you for eternity, even when the word didn't have quite the same connotations."
Bella's breathless face was frozen in shock at my words, and I realized that social norms of my generation sounded very foreign to her. An image of Bella dressed in a long flowing dress, complete with corsets and lace flashed in my mind. My mother would have loved her, I was sure. I smiled.
"Breathe, Bella," I said gently, and she inhaled sharply.
"Can you see my side, Bella, even a little bit?" I asked, searching her face for clues about her thoughts. She seemed to be considering my words, and I hoped she had some semblance of insight into my desperate need to marry her.
"The thing is, Edward," Bella began, biting her lip nervously. I tried not to wince as I realized she was going to argue instead of answering my question. "In my mind, marriage and eternity are not mutually exclusive or mutually inclusive concepts. And since we're living in my world for the moment, maybe we should go with the times, if you know what I mean."
Ah, she was still worried about what was in vogue. I thought of all the trends I'd seen come and go over the last several decades as time passed me by. Fashion trends, medicine, science, technology, music, movies, women's liberation and shifts in politically correct language; when you were immortal it was all meaningless.
"But on the other hand," I replied, "you will soon be leaving time behind you altogether. So why should the transitory customs of one local culture affect the decision so much?"
"When in Rome?" She countered feebly. I nearly asked her if she wanted to hear about all the stupid things I'd seen people do in the name of being in step with the times, but I just laughed instead.
"You don't have to say yes or no today, Bella. It's good to understand both sides, though, don't you think?" I reasoned, still feeling buoyant with relief.
"So your condition...?" She began glumly.
"Is still in effect," I finished her sentence. If her only reservation was about the fact that it would be unorthodox for us to marry by today's social standards, then I could afford to be inflexible on this particular issue. "I do see your point, Bella, but if you want me to change you myself...."
"Dum, dum, dah-dum," She grumbled in a feeble and atonal attempt to hum the wedding march. A half second later, the phone in my shirt pocket chimed and vibrated. I had a text message. Alice.
I saw what the 2 of U were talking about!! I told U so! I still C a summer wedding. Does this mean I can start looking stationary for invitations??
I smiled to myself as I typed word yes and pressed send.
We spent the rest of the afternoon trying to study for finals. However, our study session was rather brief and we spent most of our time wrapped around each other on her couch, communicating with and without words. I was so distracted that I didn't even hear Charlie's cruiser until he was merely a block away.
Charlie wondered why Bella's face was so flushed when he came home before deciding he really didn't want to know. He'd glowered at me the entire evening, though, and I did my best to avoid his hateful stares. Bella seemed to sense his suspicions and she was very uncomfortable.
"Thanks for dinner, Bells," Charlie said rather stiffly as Bella cleared the table later that evening.
"No problem," Bella replied as she stacked their plates in the sink. I got up to assist her with washing them just as Charlie headed toward the TV.
"Please tell me he didn't know what we were doing," Bella whispered as she handed me a dishtowel.
"He didn't think about it," I answered carefully as I dried a plate.
"Ugh," Bella grumbled. "We shouldn't get carried away like that on the couch any more."
"We shouldn't get carried away at all," I replied, thinking of how careless I had been. I wanted her so much, and I knew that sooner or later I was going to lose control if I didn't put a stop to things.
Bella didn't say anything in response as we worked, and I knew she was upset. I'd tried time and again to get her to see that my reluctance was only about her safety, but somehow she still didn't completely and I knew she took it personally when I stopped.
"Bella, please, I…" I began quietly after a long silence. Before I could finish my sentence, I heard Charlie's voice from the living room.
"You really should get to bed early tonight, Bells," He said, glancing over the back of the couch at us. I don't think I can stand to look at Prince Charming until 10 tonight. Gah!! Just focus on the game, Charlie…He thought.
"My curfew isn't until ten," Bella protested as she pulled the plug on the drain and dried her hands.
"I gave you extra time last night, so you need to pay it back," Charlie insisted, trying not to look at me. I'd get rid of her curfew altogether if she'd spend her evenings with Jake. He thought. I gritted my teeth so hard that I heard a squeaking sound as they rubbed together. I was so sick of Charlie's thoughts about Jacob. I wanted to suggest that maybe he should make plans with the dog, but I reminded myself again that Charlie's animosity toward me was my own fault.
"Dad…" Bella started to argue, but I placed my hand on her arm gently and shook my head.
"I really need to get going anyway, Bella," I said with a false smile, lying easily. "I promised Esme I'd clean my room."
"Right," Bella agreed. "Well, I'll walk you out." She turned to head toward the living room. Charlie stood up at once and opened the door eagerly.
"Good night Charlie," I said as I followed Bella over the threshold.
"Yep," Charlie said, pleased that he'd gotten rid of me for the duration of the evening.
"Emmett is here," I assured Bella as we walked toward the Volvo. "And I'll only be gone an hour at the most."
Jasper wants to talk to you when you get home. And, Alice said that Charlie almost caught you two making out, but it was too late to call you by the time she saw it, Emmett thought as he suppressed a laugh. I told Jasper that would happen sooner or later if you got distracted. He owes me fifty bucks.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. I was so tired of all their ridiculous wagers. One day it was going to catch up with them. If Bella ever found out about some of the bets they'd placed about her, I would throttle the both of them. But Jasper clearly had more pressing matters to discuss with me tonight about what was happening in Seattle, so I wouldn't mention his latest little competition with Emmett this evening.
I heard Bella sigh from beside me and I looked up into her sad face.
"Don't worry about anything," I said softly as I pulled her into my arms.
"Are you just leaving because of Charlie or is because..." She paused, biting her lip, "is something else going on?"
"Everything is fine," I assured her, though I was less confident than I sounded. "I just thought I'd give you some time with your father. I think you need it." I thought again of how she would soon be leaving him behind if she was changed. She would have eternity with me, but her days with him were numbered.
Bella nodded in understanding before she leaned up to kiss me. I returned the kiss, ignoring the sound of snickers coming from the dense thicket of trees behind us. I smiled for a moment as I thought about Alice's wedding prediction and the fact that Bella and I had spent most of the afternoon acting like normal teenagers. I knew once I was with Jasper I probably wouldn't be able to smile at all.
My conversation with Jasper had been surprisingly brief. We'd rehashed a few issues and discussed a couple of new theories before agreeing that the family should probably have a sit down meeting if the news coverage increased. We discussed the possibility of intervening once again, but he was still insisting that we wait.
We knew the killings were escalating, but the media hadn't said as much as we'd expected them to. Alice hadn't been able to see whether the story would get more new coverage or not and I knew from his thoughts that Jasper was becoming downright alarmed by the growing holes in Alice's vision. So was I for that matter. What if she was missing something crucial in Italy?
I tried not to think about this as I held Bella in my arms that night, focusing instead on her slow, even breathing. She'd slept in virtual silence for most of the night, too tired for her usual sleep talking. She only muttered my name twice.
Charlie got up a half an hour earlier than usual the next day, and so I quickly scribbled a note to Bella before rushing out of the house to go change.
Bella wasn't waiting for me when I pulled into Charlie's driveway to pick her up for school later that morning. I could hear her moving around in the kitchen, and I wondered why she wasn't ready to leave yet. I got out of the car and tapped lightly on the door, but there was no answer. Finally, I decided to let myself in, and I found her staring intently at the front page of the news paper.
"Bella?" I called quietly from the doorway. At the sound of my voice, she jumped and spun around to face me. Her heart was thundering in her chest as she took in my appearance.
I raced over to her side in alarm, taking her shaking hands in mine.
"Did I startle you? I'm sorry. I did knock...." I began apologetically.
"No, no," she assured me quickly. "Have you seen this?" I frowned in confusion as she handed me the newspaper. My insides froze when I read the glaring headline.
SEATTLE TERRORIZED BY SLAYINGS
It's been less than a decade since the city of Seattle was the hunting ground for the most prolific serial killer in U.S. history. Gary Ridgway, the Green River Killer, was convicted of the murders of 48 women. And now a beleaguered Seattle must face the possibility that it could be harboring an even more horrifying monster at this very moment. The police are not calling the recent rash of homicides and disappearances the work of a serial killer. Not yet, at least. They are reluctant to believe so much carnage could be the work of one individual.
This killer—if, in fact, it is one person—would then be responsible for 39 linked homicides and disappearances within the last three months alone. In comparison, Ridgway's 48-count murder spree was scattered over a 21-year period. If these deaths can be linked to one man, then this is the most violent rampage of serial murder in American history. The police are leaning instead toward the theory that gang activity is involved. This theory is supported by the sheer number of victims, and by the fact that there seems to be no pattern in the choice of victims. From Jack the Ripper to Ted Bundy, the targets of serial killings are usually connected by similarities in age, gender, race, or a combination of the three.
The victims of this crime wave range in age from 15-year-old honor student Amanda Reed, to 67-year-old retired postman Omar Jenks. The linked deaths include a nearly even 18 women and 21 men. The victims are racially diverse: Caucasians, African Americans, Hispanics and Asians. The selection appears random. The motive seems to be killing for no other reason than to kill.
So why even consider the idea of a serial killer? There are enough similarities in the modus operandi to rule out unrelated crimes. Every victim discovered has been burned to the extent that dental records were necessary for identification. The use of some kind of accelerant, like gasoline or alcohol, seems to be indicated in the conflagrations; however, no traces of any accelerant have yet been found. All of the bodies have been carelessly dumped with no attempt at concealment. More gruesome yet, most of the remains show evidence of brutal violence—bones crushed and snapped by some kind of tremendous pressure—which medical examiners believe occurred before the time of death, though these conclusions are difficult to be sure of, considering the state of the evidence. Another similarity that points to the possibility of a serial: every crime is perfectly clean of evidence, aside from the remains themselves. Not a fingerprint, not a tire tread mark nor a foreign hair is left behind.
There have been no sightings of any suspect in the disappearances. Then there are the disappearances themselves; hardly low profile by any means. None of the victims are what could be viewed as easy targets. None are runaways or the homeless, who vanish so easily and are seldom reported missing. Victims have vanished from their homes, from a fourth-story apartment, from a health club, from a wedding reception. Perhaps the most astounding: 30 year-old amateur boxer Robert Walsh entered a movie theater with a date; a few minutes into the movie, the woman realized that he was not in his seat. His body was found only three hours later when fire fighters were called to the scene of a burning trash Dumpster, twenty miles away. Another pattern is present in the slayings: all of the victims disappeared at night.
And the most alarming pattern? Acceleration. Six of the homicides were committed in the first month, 11 in the second. Twenty-two have occurred in the last 10 days alone. And the police are no closer to finding the responsible party than they were after the first charred body was discovered. The evidence is conflicting, the pieces horrifying; a vicious new gang or a wildly active serial killer? Or something else the police haven't yet conceived of? Only one conclusion is indisputable: something hideous is stalking Seattle.
"I hadn't seen today's news yet. But I knew it was getting worse," I said, thinking of last night's conversation with Jasper as I read the last line of the article. Here was the media attention we'd been afraid of. "We're going to have to do something...quickly."
Bella's face contorted into a worried expression and I winced. I hated the idea of frightening her, but I'd made a promise to myself after the whole incident with Victoria and the wolves that I wouldn't keep things from her.
"What does Alice say?" Bella asked, biting her lip.
"That's the problem," I said as my frown deepened. "She can't see anything...though we've made up our minds half a dozen times to check it out. She's starting to lose confidence. She feels like she's missing too much these days, that something's wrong. That maybe her vision is slipping away." I sighed deeply and studied the shocked look on her face.
"Can that happen?" Bella asked with wide and fearful eyes.
"Who knows?" I replied, as the anxiety crawled over my skin again. "No one's ever done a study...but I really doubt it. These things tend to intensify over time. Look at Aro and Jane."
I shuddered slightly as I thought of Jane's beautiful demonic face.
"Then what's wrong?" Bella wondered, her forehead creasing thoughtfully.
"Self-fulfilling prophecy, I think," I explained. That was Rosalie's theory anyway.
"We keep waiting for Alice to see something so we can go...and she doesn't see anything because we won't really go until she does. So she can't see us there. Maybe we'll have to do it blind."
Bella shivered involuntarily.
"No." She said vehemently. I understood how she felt, but I refused to wait much longer. The Volturi could show up on our doorstep any day now. We needed to come up with a plan of action, regardless of what Alice had or hadn't seen. It was time for that family meeting.
"Did you have a strong desire to attend class today? We're only a couple of days from finals; they won't be giving us anything new."
I asked Bella, and I wondered if she could hear the worry in my voice.
I hated the idea of dragging her into the thick of this discussion, because it would only cause her more worry, but I wasn't about to let her out of my sight now, so if I were missing school she had to go with me. Carlisle would make sure we were excused. And it was time for her to be given certain information.
"I think I can live without school for a day. What are we doing?"
She asked, and I could see that her eyes were curious and slightly wary.
"I want to talk to Jasper." I replied.
I had a feeling we were going to need my battle scarred brother's guidance more than ever now.
I suddenly felt certain that we were staring war in the face. A war we might not be able to win.
Well, there you have it folks. I hope you enjoyed it. It wasn't a hard chapter for me to write, it was just finding the time to do it. My life hasn't slowed down any in the last few weeks and considering I work in government finance and our state congress is trying to pass a budget it probably won't get any easier. I didn't have this much trouble when I was posting Event Horizon, and I've wondered if I've been jinxed or something. Coming up in the next chapter we'll have the family meeting and Jasper's autobiographical history lesson. Thanks again for reading. Your reviews and support mean more to me than I can say. Much love.
Songs I'm listening to for Chapter 11: Don't Dream its Over, by Crowded House and Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes.
Both of these can be found on iTunes. Just a teaser. Thanks for all of your patience.