Sorry that I haven't updated this in FOREVER! I have been struggling with French and my science fair project, so I've been muddling through that. In addition, I've been FLIPPING out over "New Girl" and the possible end of SWAC as we know it (insert dramatic wail here). Damn mental illness. It hurts us all, eh? I had a really difficult time writing this one, as I seem to have lost my touch with FF (okay, I never had a "touch"). So, I lost my non-existent skill and now my writing is crap. I am relying on the sheer good will of people's hearts not to get all pissed off at me about this chapter. Okay! Here it is!

Disclaimer: Really, people, really? If SWAC were mine, would Channy have dissolved like this? OF COURSE NOT!

Dedicated to Demi Lovato and Sterling Knight, my favorite Disney stars.

"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned."

.`;~`;.

Dear Chad,

Five years.

Five years, two months, one week, six days, twelve hours, nine minutes, and six, seven, eight seconds.

Five years, two months, one week, six days, twelve hours, nine minutes, and six, seven, eight seconds since I met you.

Damn, it's been crazy.

From our first encounter, me in a fat suit, you in your prep-school blazer and pink and blue candy-striped tie, to the time you went on that fake date with me at Arcadia, living under the spell of your enchanting blue eyes has been a fantastic whirlwind.

I hated every fucking second of it.

The infuriating way you would crack perverted jokes, always searching for the "double meaning" in things.

The arrogance in your voice, the clipped way that you spoke to those "not worthy".

The sexual remarks you made to hot girls at parties, ever slow subtly sliding your hand up their thigh.

I would be too much of a girl to be crying right now, so I'm just going to laugh.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Tawni always said that one day you'd really upset me, I'd run out sobbing, you'd come after me, and we'd somehow share a kiss. I always knew that girl was on drugs. Clichés just don't happen in real life. Sappiness is not real, and I don't wish for any touch of remorse on your part. I'm not expecting any major "aww-ing" on your part. But I do want to tell you this.

I love you, asshole. Even though you don't love me.

-Sonny

.`;~`;.

Dear Sonny,

I'm a guy. Remember that. I don't like mushiness or cuddling or whatever disgusting stuff that you girls like. Expressing myself is also somewhat of an issue. Do you think I tried to fail sophomore Creative Writing? So I'll say it plain and simple.

I late you.

That's right. Chad Dylan Cooper, remedial Creative Writing student made a portmanteau. Or, as some might say, "mash-up word." I swear to god, it deserves a spot in Webster's.

Late:

1. adj. The state of tardiness

2. n. Loving and hating someone at the same frickin' time and questioning your sanity for doing so. Coined by amazing American actor/singer Chad Dylan Cooper.

So I came up with a quick list to show how I really, truly late you.

What America's CDC Looks for in Women

1) Pretty/Hot/Beautiful/Attractive:

Sonny, contrary to what you might think, guys are barbaric. They are simple-minded, hormonal, and disgusting, and even the sweetest of guys need at least decent looking girls. Surprisingly, you fall into the "perfectly acceptable" category of females- nice hair, nice figure, nice smile. Even though you are no Megan Fox, I have to give you this one.

2) Sexually… Willing:

You don't know much about such a "bad" topic, my dear, naïve, Sonny, so I'll spare you the details. Let's just put it this way. You're 24 and you haven't gotten laid. I'm gonna have to give you a no.

3) Nice:

Yes, Chad Dylan Cooper is deeper than you would think. I actually want a nice girl. Surprised? You, I have to say, are probably one of the nicest girls I know. For God's sake, you are like the slimmer, hotter, younger version of Mother Teresa. Check, check, and check.

And that's it. Unlike you girls, I don't make long lists, analyzing each aspect of a potential mate's good and bad qualities. In fact, I don't even remember your score. But I think I've figured this much out.

I love you, diva. And I know that you can't resist me.

-Chad

It was rushed and silly and pointless and stupid, but I needed a new chapter. I appreciate your reviews.