In the Blink of An Eye
By LizD
Winter 2011
Chapter 15
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Booth napped on and off all night between checking on Parker and looking in on Brennan. He needed sleep too, but he knew it wouldn't come easily or for very long. Rebecca's room was still off limits so he put Brennan in the guest room; he still had the couch. He had given her one of his shirts to sleep in, but she had just fallen on the bed and was out. He slipped off her shoes and covered her with a quilt.
He took the opportunity to watch her sleep when he came to check on her the first time. It was hard to see the cuts and bruises on her face knowing how close she came to dying; she would dismiss the danger too blithely. She was still the most beautiful woman he had ever known bar none. It wasn't her features, it wasn't her symmetry, it wasn't her structure that made her beautiful. She had an unaffected manner about her that was captivating. She didn't care about her beauty; she didn't care what other people thought. She knew she was attractive and accepted it as a matter of course. Most women are worried that another woman is more beautiful, but not Bones. She didn't play games, the games that most women played; the games that Booth played. Bones was unique in every way, and that made her all the more beautiful to him.
She looked so peaceful, so calm, so serene as she slept. He hadn't seen her like that in a long time, a very long time. It was before they left for other parts of the world. The gravedigger took a toll on her. The work in general took a toll on her. It was understandable considering the danger, death and misery that they dealt with daily; it took its toll on him as well. But Booth was on a mission; Brennan just asked if she could help not really knowing what the consequences were going to be. It wasn't just the work, Booth regrettably had to own his share of the burden he put on her. She was so strong, so capable, so rational and pragmatic. It was sometimes easy to forget that she was a sensitive, loving, caring person that felt things very deeply even if she went to great lengths to hide that fact from everyone. Booth knew that about her. Booth may have been the only one who did. Angela was her friend and had insight, but Angela didn't get to see Brennan vulnerable. She only showed that to Booth. She used to show it to Booth; she didn't do that anymore. How could he have taken that away from her?
The last time - the most intense time - was several weeks ago and he blew it. He so wished he could live that night over again; or the night a year ago when he wanted to take-a-chance. "I'm the gambler." Bah. How would any self-respecting woman react to that? He didn't go to Sweets' office that night with the intention of trying to push their relationship to the next level. It just happened. He wasn't prepared. She wasn't ready, he knew that. So what possessed him? Was it her categorical denial that they were in love? Or was it nearly a year of re-dreaming Booth-and-Bren-having-a-baby that convinced him to say something? Or was it Sweets' challenge? Or was it the feeling that she was slipping away from him? Maybe it was a little of all of that. Whatever prompted it, it was poorly executed and she was right to turn him down. She was wrong to walk away from their partnership a month later, but Booth had a hand in that too. He could have stopped it. He should have. They should have gone to a tropical island for two weeks or a month or a year and hashed it all out. They should have gone together.
So where did they stand now? Booth was thinking about leaving the FBI, what would become of their partnership, their friendship if he did? What if he didn't quit and they continued to work together, how would that change now that they had both expressed a wish for more and there was nothing standing in their way? How could he tell her about Hannah and make it independent of Parker? How could he not address that raining night? He had claimed Hannah was real. He knew it wasn't true as the words left his mouth, but her confession surprised him, shocked him, scared him. He never would have expected her to say anything like that to him ever. It was why he moved on. It was how he moved on. A wedge had been driven between them. It was partially his fault but regardless, he wanted it gone. Would she meet him for any part of that way?
The most important thing for him to figure out was what he wanted and what he could reasonably expect to have. He had already lost Hannah because of his fulltime fatherhood responsibilities. It wasn't a great loss, but she had a point. She didn't get involved with a fulltime father. And when his status changed, she needed to reevaluate. He wasn't sorry she was gone which proved how much love he had for her. Could he expect that Brennan would want to get involved with him as a full time father? Were they past that? Maybe they didn't need to go all in right away. What would be best?
If he could really have what he wanted, he would like to rewind the clock back to before Sweets' book, before his brain tumor issue. He would like to rewind it all the way back to the beginning. What if he hadn't done what Caroline told him to do? What if he hadn't fired Brennan? Then she never would have suggested sex, he wouldn't have confessed his gambling issue and she never would have refused him. Maybe without all that animosity between them they could have come to a different understanding after all these years. If he had only been honest with himself seven years earlier, there might have been a different outcome. But that was magical thinking. He needed to deal with what was right in front of him.
Brennan was right in front of him. He wouldn't have her in any other place. He had never stopped loving her, as hard as he tried. He adapted when she refused him, but it didn't change his feelings. He loved her. The question was now, had his refusal done what Cam warned him it would. Would Brennan die of loneliness before she ever trusted anyone - particularly him - again? Or could they start taking steps toward something more, something better, something eternal. Baby steps were fine. He just wanted them back the way they were with a different agenda on the table.
She stirred in her sleep and rolled onto her side. The light from the hall cast a soft light across her face. He crept over to her and squatted down next to the bed. He brushes some hair back. "Trust me, Bones" he said softly. "I won't let you down ... never again." He kissed her softly on the forehead and crept out silently as not to wake her.
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Brennan woke not knowing where she was. She hated that feeling. Every muscle in her body ached and the back of her head hurt. She sat up slowly and felt the injury trying to remember how she got it. It took her a moment of concentrated effort to remember. When it came back, it came flooding back from the explosion right on through to defending herself from a killer. She was actually quite impressed with herself about that. She still didn't know where she was.
She stood up slowly testing the strength in her legs. She wouldn't be running a marathon anytime soon, but she could maneuver under her own power. She made it to the door; it had been left ajar. A dim light came from one direction of the hallway. She went toward it. The hallway opened on to Rebecca's living room. Booth was on the couch sleeping. She remembered. She remembered Booth taking charge of her, getting her out of her apartment, into the SUV and then into bed though that part was a bit hazy. She remembered feeling safe in his arms; safe for the first time in a very, very long time.
His sleep was not peaceful. She could see that he was in a deep REM sleep but it was clear that his dreams were closer to nightmares. Booth had seen so much horror in his life it was sad to think that his dreams replayed those horrors for him nightly. It didn't seem fair to her; if anyone deserved some peace in the night it was Booth. He was a good man, a descent man. She had never known anyone like him nor did she expect she ever would.
She looked at him thinking about their history and tried to imagine what a future would look like for them. Six weeks ago she told him that she wanted more with him and regretted the choice she had made a year ago. She had no expectation that he would end his relationship with Hannah, but now that he had, should she expect anything? Would she be his consolation prize? Why did he have to use that expression? She was new to relationships and didn't like the idea that mates were any kind of prize. Although anthropologically speaking, human and animals vied for mates and there were definite winners and losers, so dubbing the female won as a prize was understandable if archaic and misogynistic.
So what was next for them, or wouldn't there be a next. Hannah was gone, not that Booth had told her that. Maybe it was too painful for him to talk about. He might choose to change his job so he could spend more time with Parker. Their partnership would come to a natural end then. Without the job to bind them, would they slowly drift out of each other's lives? But then there were the looks, the soul searching gazes into her eyes that did make her feel like he was touching her all over. There were those special smiles that he saved only for her that he had turned back on in the past few days. He was touching her again, at the small of her back, her arm, her shoulders, her hand. It was familiar, it was comforting, but it was confusing. But it was pointless for her to speculate. In the past she had always asked Booth about some interpersonal anomaly. She would have to do that again.
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Booth woke with a start. He didn't see her standing there.
"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I didn't mean to wake you?"
Booth turned toward the direction of her voice. "Bones? What are you doing up? What time is it?"
"It's early yet." She stepped further into the living room. "Just after four."
He sat up. "Are you cold? Come sit over here." He pulled the afghan off the back of the couch and opened it up for her. She sat down at the end and he tucked the blanket around her. "Do you want some coffee? Water? Are you hungry?"
"No, no thank you." She hesitated a moment. "I'm confused."
"About what?"
"You."
"Me?" He should never be surprised by a Bones statement or direct question, but sometimes she just came out of left field, or sent a line drive up the middle that he wasn't prepared for.
She needed to go a different path. "I'm sorry that your relationship with Hannah ended."
"How did you ... ?"
"She came to see me. Yesterday I think, but the timeline of the last few days is a bit hazy."
"It will happen when you don't sleep."
"Yes. Anyway I'm sorry."
He nodded. "I would have told you, but it happened before you told me that Rebecca was murdered. After that it didn't seem important."
"Are you OK?"
"With Hannah leaving?" He wasn't prepared to have this discussion. He still didn't know how he could tell Brennan what he was thinking and make her understand. He stuck with the truth. "Yes, I am."
"It seems rather harsh considering all that you are going through right now."
"No, not at all. She was not prepared to be with a full time father and she was not prepared to be a step-mother. We could have worked it out but I suppose neither of us wanted to put in that much effort. It's better that she leave now, rather than a few weeks or months from now."
"I'm not sure I understand that logic."
Booth thought he had to try to say the next part knowing that it would open up a can of worms and ultimately make him look bad. "The truth was Hannah and I were never going to make it long term, even if this other stuff didn't happened."
"You loved her."
"I did. I thought it could be that kind of love, the kind that lasts. But we weren't going to make a serious commitment to each other. That was becoming clear for the past month or more. We were at two different places in our lives looking for different things in a relationship." That was true, it wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't a lie.
Brennan shook her head. This love thing was very nebulous. The word itself was so over used to the point of having little meaning. "It appeared as if you were very committed."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sure I gave that impression. I'm sorry about that." That impression he gave was for Brennan and was out of spite. "Look, let's not talk about Hannah, OK?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you more pain."
"No, it's not that. I'll miss her, sure. But it was as much my decision as hers and I am OK with it. There are other people in my life that I would be devastated if I lost." His eyes locked with hers. "You, for example." He reached across the back of the couch, slid his finger down her jaw line and let his hand come to rest on her shoulder.
Brennan became uncomfortable with his touch and his look. "You shouldn't say things like that to me. You shouldn't touch me the way you have been or look at me that way." She pulled away from him and looked down.
"Say what things? How do I touch you? How do I look at you?"
She glanced back over at him. "Like you used to ... before. It confuses me."
"Before when?" Booth wasn't trying to be obtuse; he didn't understand what she was talking about. He didn't see how his actions toward her had changed. He never occurred to him that he had treated her any differently at all. Of course he hadn't thought about it much.
Parker called from his bedroom. "Dad?"
Booth was sorry for the interruption, but excused himself to go check on his son.
Brennan was grateful. The setting was too intimate, it was too intense. She stayed seated for a few minutes. It didn't seem that Booth was coming back. Parker must have had a bad dream. She wanted to leave, but it was so early. A couple more hours of sleep would do her a world of good but if she stayed there she wouldn't get it. She called the lab. Cam was there working on the autopsy of Ephraim Cohen. She had heard about what happened at Brennan's apartment and suggested that she get some more sleep. There was nothing more that Brennan could do at the lab. Brennan disagreed. She would call a cab to take her back to her apartment so she could shower and change and be back at the lab in less than an hour. She was on the phone with the cab company when Booth returned.
"Where are you going?" She told him. "Do you really have to go now?"
"Yes." She smiled weakly at him. "Thank you." She wanted to be more specific. That she was grateful for more than the actions he took on her behalf. She was grateful to have him care. "I should go."
"I want to talk more," he said tentatively. "Don't you think we need to talk about ..."
"Yes, I suppose we do, but we are in the middle of a case, three cases actually and you still have to bury Rebecca and Parker needs you." She moved toward the door.
He took her hand. "Tell me we will finish this discussion."
"I expect that this will not be the last time we talk about this, unless you want it to be."
"I don't, do you?"
She shook her head. Her taxi pulled up. She slipped on her hand out of his and left quickly.
Booth watched her go vowing that the next time they spoke he would be prepared and would tell her everything from his heart. She would need to understand.
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A/N: Circling ever closer, our heroes are almost there. There is a bit of a mess to clean up first, but it won't be long now.