She would not be so easily defeated. She would hold her head up high as she entered her home and greeted her people. She would stand tall as she explained what had happened in Wu to her leader and accept the consequences of her actions. And she certainly would not show fear. This experience had made her stronger. She was sure of it. She had to believe it.
Of course, it was easier said than done. San could feel her insides quaking as she rode up to the gates of Cheng Du alone. Jiang Wei had offered to send some of his guard with her but she declined. Wu had likely discovered by now that she was no longer among them. She feared that Sun Jian or someone from the Lu family would send a party out after her. Jiang Wei would need all the soldiers he could get if that happened. Besides, she had essentially dismissed her only other guard on this trip. She would bear this burden alone.
The guards on the wall opened the gates just enough for her to enter. The people of Cheng Du were going about their business, throwing a few curious glances her way. San's return hadn't been announced so she wasn't surprised that they looked confused. Before anything else, she needed to find her friends and tell them that she was ok. Then she needed to find Lord Liu Bei and account for her actions.
"Well, look who finally decided to show up?" The first part, it seemed, would happen on its own. San turned to see both Zhang Shao and Guan Ping heading her way, weapons in hand. She had probably interrupted a trip to the training yard.
"Ping, Shao, it's good to see you," she said, dismounting. They each clasped each other on their shoulders, completing the circle that had been broken during her absence.
"Where's your little shadow?" Shao asked.
San bit her lower lip. "Back in Wu."
"You left him there?" Ping and Shao exchanged concerned looks as she nodded. "What were you thinking?" asked Ping.
"It's a long story. Where is our lord? I must speak with him straightaway."
Shao rubbed the back of his head. "Well, err, there's been a change of plans since you left."
"I know about Chan's intentions," San said.
"Did Jiang Wei inform you?"
"No, Ping. My father did. He sent a note to Wu along with one from Jiang Wei."
Ping took both of San's hands in his own. She lowered her gaze, unable to look into his eyes. "San, look at me." She relented. His eyes were filled with worry. "I do not know what happened in Wu, but I want you to know that I trust whatever judgment you used. We both know how hard it has been for you these past few days. You know what has transpired here, and you know what is at stake."
She would have been reduced to tears had she not shed so many already. "Thank you, Ping. You too, Shao."
"Humph. Like we'd let Chan have you without a fight. We didn't let Ba off the hook so easily either."
"Where is Chan?"
"With all of our fathers. San, you've come at both the best time and the worst time," Ping said.
"You mean…'
"Yep." Shao nodded towards the throne room. "They're all in there right now, trying to figure out what to do with this arranged marriage crap and Lu Ba's servitude."
Be strong, San. Ba's voice echoed in her head. She took a deep breath. "I need to do this now. If I delay, my punishment will only be worse. They need to be made aware of the change in plans."
"Then let us walk with you." Ping released one of her hands so that Shao could take it. "We are bound by friendship and kinship, and we go together as one."
San nodded. And so begins the hardest part of my trial, she said to herself. I must prove myself. I am almost there.
People were stopping to watch the three of them as they made their way towards the castle. San couldn't tell what they were saying, but she knew that there were already plenty of rumors surrounding her. She did her best to ignore them. She needed to focus on the task at hand. Her mission would not be complete until she had told her lord everything.
Her heart threatened to leap from her chest as they reached the door. Ping raised his fist and pounded on it three times. A servant poked his head through. When he realized who it was, his eyes nearly popped out of his head. He disappeared only to reappear a few seconds later, throwing the door open. Both boys gave San's hands an encouraging squeeze and let go. This is it. Be strong. You are the dragon's jewel, a warrior unparalleled.
It was like walking into the tiger's den all over again. Lord Liu Bei was seated on his throne with Liu Chan to his right. Both of his sworn brothers, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, were standing on the floor opposite them. Zhao Yun was in between them. Zhuge Liang was standing on the first step to the throne, far enough apart from the others that he looked out of place. A handful of servants and other generals were off to the side. They had apparently been in the middle of a fierce debate. Now there was only silence as the trio walked towards them.
San stopped just a few paces away from her father. She could see a million thoughts pass across his eyes, all of them overshadowed by the desire to run forward and take his daughter in his arms. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei eyed her curiously, but nodded in acknowledgement of her presence. Both of their sons stood a few feet behind her.
Liu Bei stood but kept his grip on the sides of his chair. "Lady Zhao San. You have finally returned to us. This is quite unexpected."
"Yes, my lord." She winced. Her voice was like that of a little girl, not a famed soldier. "And I have much to discuss with you. I apologize for my rudeness in interrupting your council, but I feel that this is urgent."
"I understand." He nodded to the others, who began to back away. But her two friends did not move. "Guan Ping, Zhang Shao, I must ask you to leave us for a moment," he said to them.
Instead, both of them stepped forward until they were even with San. "With all due respect, my lord," Ping said, "we have been as much a part of this as San. I request that the both of us remain for this discussion. Each of us would like to bear witness to things that I am sure Lady Zhao San would like to tell you. If it would help," he made a gesture to the sides of the room, "we will step back and allow her to tell her tale without interruption. I am not entirely comfortable letting her opinions be the only ones heard, however."
"Nor do I, my lord," echoed Shao.
"This is…most unusual, soldiers." He turned to Zhuge Liang, who gave a deep nod and backed away even further. "Very well. Lady Zhao, if you would please step forward and give your accounts. Your friends will have an opportunity to speak their minds when you are finished."
She turned to Ping to thank him, but he had already moved to the side of the room. Even under his father's shadow, he was a striking figure. Shao, too, was imposing as he stood next to his father.
Her eyes first sought Zhao Yun. He had not moved an inch from his spot. It was as if he didn't know what to do. She offered him a small smile, as if to reassure him, before stepping forward to address Liu Bei.
"San," she heard him whisper as she passed him. She could tell that all of his hard earned composure was ready to crumble. "Where is Lu Ba? What has happened?"
"In time, father," she said, hushed. "I promise that whatever I keep from our lord, I will share with you later. Do not worry about Ba. He is safe."
Zhao Yun opened his mouth to say something but halted. Instead, he bowed to her and stepped back. He didn't stray too far, however. It warmed her heart to know that no matter what kind of journey she was on, he would never be too far away to offer his support.
For a brief second, she caught Liu Chan's expression. He was smug, confident and very much pleased with himself at the moment. It tugged at her heart a little bit. If she hadn't known the reason for his current state, she would have very much admired the way he was carrying himself. Sitting next to his father, looking very regal and composed, he fulfilled the role of the warlord's son, the future leader of an entire kingdom. It made her sad, more than anything. Perhaps if he had acted like this sooner, under different circumstances, she would feel differently about him and the way things played out.
I can't brood over this. I have a job to do. She took a breath, cleared her head, and began her story.
For half of an hour, she held the entire room entranced with her story. She told them the same tale that she had relayed to Jiang Wei earlier, making sure to include the marriage plans currently underway in Wu and the negotiations that Lu Xun had been concocting for both of their kingdoms. She detailed the actions of each member of the household, making sure to express Lady Sun Shang Xiang's role the most vividly. As she ended her story, she laid out the plan that Sun Yi had come up with to get her out of Wu safely while keeping Lu Ba and his family unaware.
For a long while, the room was silent. Liu Bei seemed torn between confusion and another emotion that she couldn't make out. Zhao Yun's concern had given way to relief. Although she couldn't see them, she was sure that both of her friends were looking on with admiration and mentally giving her support.
It was Liu Chan, ironically, who eventually broke the silence. "So you were a traitor to your own kingdom then. You let a prisoner walk free when you had no right, and you've returned without any proof of what went on during your stay."
"You would doubt my word?" she asked, incredulous.
"You have not given me any reason to accept it, Lady Zhao." Chan was standing now, his carefully placed composure in danger of shattering. She could see him shaking from where she was. "Your mission was to negotiate a treaty between Shu and Wu. Instead, you mingle with the enemy and release one of our most dangerous prisoners back to his people. You have likely incited war!"
San took a step forward, defensive. "My mission was to deliver a message from one strategist to another and then return the favor. While I was there, I was to keep an eye out for anything suspicious, as any sane person would do when in enemy territory."
"That does not forgive the fact that Lu Ba, who was to be a bargaining tool for Shu, is now safely holed up in Wu and you are the only one to blame."
The retort was right there on the tip of her tongue, but she held it back. It was not her place to point out that Chan was the sole reason for this turn of events. In front of his father and Shu's most powerful generals, such a remark would only get her head cut off. "Yes, I am to blame for letting him go. But it was not our place to keep him. We knew the risk in holding him prisoner instead of killing him with the others. We knew the risk in letting him return to Wu with me. I weighed each decision I made carefully and found that letting him remain there was the only right thing to do."
"I see no evidence that you made any decisions with your head," Chan snapped.
"And I see no reason to try and convince you otherwise." San squared her shoulders and looked her enemy straight in the eye. "You have become blinded with obsession and hardened by hatred. If you will not try and look past it, then why should I waste my energy trying to help you?"
The room was alive with whispers. She had openly criticized the heir to the Shu throne. Yet she felt relieved, at peace with herself. She had accounted for herself and would now accept her punishment. Deep down, she knew that despite Chan's words, those who were most important to her believed the tale. She had done it.
Liu Bei stood again and raised his hands to quiet the crowd. "Lady Zhao San, I am…torn…unsure of what to make of this. While I commend you for your bravery and applaud your sense of justice, you know that to willingly aid in the escape of a prisoner is treason."
"Yes, my lord. As I said, I weighed each decision carefully. I knew what the consequences would be if I allowed Lu Ba to have his freedom. Justice has been done for the raid. But right now, each kingdom needs to focus on its own affairs. Shu is dealing with inner turmoil. So is Wu. My departure has allowed them to focus on the problems that need to be fixed and has given them back one of the tools they needed. With my return, we can do the same here."
She waited for him to give his sentence. Instead, he walked down the steps of his throne until he was just a few feet away from her. She instinctively sunk into a bow, kneeling before him. "I would give much," he said in little more than a whisper, "to know what causes the members of the Zhao family to act as they do. I can do nothing but stand here in awe each time one of you returns from a mission."
"…my lord?" San looked up, confused.
"Every instinct in me says that I should let you go, pardon you for this transgression and return to the matters at hand. But you are as honorable as your father. You know that I must punish you."
"I would bear it gladly, knowing that I have saved a life and served my kingdom."
"You truly are a treasure, my lady." He took a step back and spoke again, this time for the entire hall to hear. "A sound lashing for allowing the prisoner to escape. After this is over, I do not want to hear about what has happened again from anyone. Am I clear?"
Two soldiers came forward and took San's arms. Liu Bei waved them off. "You will accompany her without handling her. She will not run away." They nodded and escorted her out of the room. But as she left, she managed to catch her lord asking her friends for their accounts and telling his son to leave the room at once.
True to their word, Guan Ping and Zhang Shao stood before Lord Liu Bei and told him about Lu Ba's stay in Shu. They informed him of the plan to remove him from Cheng Du for his own safety, how he had brought and protected the letter to Jiang Wei, and how he had always shown the two of them nothing but kindness and admiration. They left out Liu Chan's assault on him, although San never found out how they dodged that point. They also spent a great deal of time convincing Liu Bei that she was not the right match for Chan after the boy had left the room. Both of them echoed their fathers' points and agreed that Xing Cai would compliment him much better.
San wished that she had been there to listen to them speak. But after the guards had administered thirty lashes to her back, they returned her to her room for the remainder of the day. One of her family's servants had recounted what had happened when she came to tend to her wounds. San wanted to laugh, as the serving woman had, but found that she had no room for it. Her entire being was taken up with grief.
Now that her journey had ended, she allowed herself to let the despair back in. The true consequences had finally sunk in. Ba was gone, likely to be married soon to another woman while she was holed up in Shu. Despite what Sun Yi had said, the odds of seeing her new friend were near impossible. There was still a chance that she would be forced into marriage with Liu Chan. On top of all that, none of her family members had come to see her since she was led away from the throne room.
She tried to remind herself of the good things. Even with her back full of scars, she had her health. Her friends would not abandon her. The servants and guards that she had met all treated her with reverence that she'd never had before. Her status as a warrior had gone mostly unchallenged. Most of all, she had discovered new abilities within herself - to be able to judge one based on deeds instead of loyalty and to be able to love unconditionally.
For several long hours, she struggled to focus on the good instead of the bad. Tears flowed silently as she thought about Lu Ba and what he was doing at that moment. She would have given much to tell him why she did what she did. She felt like she had betrayed him, more than her own kingdom. She could not find a way to accept that he might nor forgive her.
The door opened behind her but she didn't stir from the bed. It was probably another servant.
"San?"
The voice behind her was familiar. Ignoring the headache, she sat up quickly and turned around. Zhao Yun was standing in the shadows. His face was hidden, but his voice cracked like he had been in as much pain as her. "Father?"
He moved silently to her bedside. Her own composure failed as she looked at him. Without a word, he scooped her up and cradled her in his arms as she sobbed. Her body shook. He held her firm, resting his head on top of hers as she soaked his clothing. What had taken him so long to come? Was he upset with her? Angry? Afraid? How many more tears could she shed until she was as dry as the desert?
San started to hiccup as she gasped for breath, unable to control herself. Zhao Yun stroked her arm, careful of the fresh scars on her back. "Daughter, I am sorry you had to endure this."
"Father…I…"
"Ssh, do not trouble yourself. You have been forced to speak about much today. Now it is my turn. You have shown bravery beyond anything I have see these past days. You have shouldered the burden of ten grown men and found yourself stronger than that. Your loyalty to your people and yourself shine brighter than any torch in the castle or any star in the sky. I could not ask for anyone better to call my family. You truly are a legend, San."
"But I…I failed…"
"No, daughter. You succeeded in ways that I did not think were possible. Two kingdoms have been granted rest and given new solutions to their problems. Two prized soldiers were returned home to their families. Two stories will be spread throughout China to give people hope and a fighting chance."
"Father…"
Zhao Yun adjusted to allow her more breathing room. "I know there is a single question on your mind, San. Ask it."
"Why…why would you ask me to kill him?"
"Your desire to become a legend has plagued most of your life. From the time you were a little girl that is all you ever wanted. Other things in life that are just as important were likely to pass right by you. San, your mother and I made sacrifices to become what we are. You needed to learn this for yourself."
"But you two found each other in the end. I've lost Ba forever."
"I thought the same thing about your mother when I was lying in my earthen prison. But she came for me. I believe Ba will do the same. You will see him again."
San continued to sob. Her father would never fully understand the pain she felt. If she did see Ba again, it would be on the field of battle. There would be no second chances to spare each other's life. Even if she was that lucky, he would likely hate her for what she did in abandoning him. She would have no forgiveness. The pain on her back was a testament to that.
"Daughter, listen to me." Yun continued to cradle her in his arms, his soothing voice easing the tears just a little. "Asking you to kill Lu Ba was the only way I could think of to break your obsession. If you had killed him, Shu would have called you a hero, a woman who overcame the lusts of the body to destroy the enemy and crush the kingdom of Wu. It would also have likely led to war. But if you let him go, you would realized that being with the one you love is a far more wonderful feeling than pride."
"And now I have neither."
"For now, maybe. I believe that once this has settled, you will have fully earned the legend status you so crave. You have emerged from this stronger, San. That much is clear. You have scars, but you will live to fight another day."
"I don't want to fight anymore," she whispered. 'You and mother have always told me to follow my heart. It was wrong."
Zhao Yun shook his head. "I do not believe that for a second. Someday you will see this the way I do."
She let his words sink in as her tears eased to a trickle. A thought struck her. "Father, why were you so lenient to Ba when he was here? You risked becoming a traitor to your lord and to your people when you allowed him such freedom."
A small chuckle escaped his lips. "I could see what he meant to you long before either of you could. Li noticed it as well. We decided together that this was something you needed to handle. So we stepped back and gave you the reigns."
"A fine job I did ," San muttered. "But what about Lord Liu Bei?"
He moved back a little, and San looked up at her father's face. Tear marks stained his own cheeks. He had been shedding them as well, silently, as he watched his daughter in pain. "When a man meets a leader that changes is life, he will do anything for him to try and repay them for such kindness. When a man has a family, his life changes again. Blood carries a stronger obligation than loyalty."
"But…what if Liu Bei had punished you for what you did?"
"I have been bearing that punishment ever since you left, worried that you might not ever return. When you were escorted from the room, Liu Bei forced me to remain with him as further punishment. I was not allowed to see you."
San forced back more tears. How cruel! "Why…"
"He knew I would also bear punishment gladly, as you did, knowing that I did everything I could to protect my family. Out lord understands this as well. He, too, is a father and looks to help his children. And that is where we came to an understanding."
Zhao Yun continued to hold her until her crying ceased and she was able to breathe. Once she was calm, he set her back on the bed but kept one hand over hers. "Father, about Liu Chan's intentions…"
For the first time since the ordeal had started, he smiled at her. "There is no need to worry, daughter. Your willingness to accept punishment for your actions worked in our favor on that matter. Liu Chan would be a fool to wed someone who is marked as a traitor, even if only the inner circle here is aware of that. He will marry Xing Cai as planned."
It was a small victory, but it was enough to ease some of the grief that clouded her heart. Another thought struck her. "Where is mother? And the twins?"
"She is in her garden, dealing with her own heartache. She, too, was not allowed to come and see you after you returned. Nor were your brothers. I believe they are hunting down Guan Ping and Zhang Shao to figure out what happened. Perhaps we should go and relieve your mother of her burden. We will find your brothers later. Can you stand?" San nodded and let him help her to her feet.
She knew, deep down, that it would take a long time to recover from this pain. As she walked to the garden with her father, she knew that she would not have to bear it alone either. Zhao Yun was right. Lives had been saved, kingdoms had been granted rest, and she had been instrumental in all of it. Perhaps the truth of what happened on her journey would always be a little skewed. No one besides her knew what exactly happened. But as Mei Li stood from beneath her tree and ran like a madwoman to embrace her daughter, San knew that it didn't really matter.
It was all a part of the legend she had made for herself. One that she could not - and would not - change for anything.
A/N: And so San's journey has finally come to an end. She's emotionally drained, mentally scarred and doesn't want to fight anymore. Welcome to adulthood! Laughing out loud aside, I'd say out heroine has grown up quite a bit in the process. And don't worry, I won't leave you guys hanging. There's an epilogue in the editing stage that should be up by next week. On behalf of San, Lu Ba and the kingdoms of Wu and Shu, thanks for joining us on this journey.
Also, thanks to Engelchan for the heartfelt review. I promise better things are coming!