A/N Just an advanced warning, I decided to put a bit of smut in the beginning. I'll be doing this from time to time in various chapters when I reckon it's appropriate. I will put up a warning when there is, though this is rated M some young people may be reading this when they shouldn't...

Shepard was walking through a vaguely familiar room, somewhere that he was sure that he had been to before. It was somewhere he did not like at all, a sense of fear gripping him at the sinister familiarity of the place. Still he pressed onwards, clutching the Revenant rifle in his arms slightly tighter.

Shepard turned right into a large room, noting the carnage inside. Upon closer inspection he realised what several shapes were on the ground – piles of mangled bodies. The closest were corpses of Reaper troops, horrifically mangled and broken. Moving on he was stopped by a disturbing sight, another body but this time a familiar one. It was Samara, the Justicar's elegant body torn apart from the waist down. The sight of such a great warrior and friend laid low was troubling for him, if she was dead then others could be as well. Suddenly a great sense of panic gripped him, he had to find the others.

He tore his gaze from the body of his friend, walking down the room swiftly. Shepard picked up the pace, running through the room and passing through a large set of doors at the end. They slid open automatically, Shepard entering a small elevator. It took little time to ascend, stopping after only a few seconds, and letting him out on the next level. John dropped his rifle at the sight that greeted him.

Next to the entrance of the lift were two bodies lying next to each other. One was unmistakably the body of Tali, lying still by his feet. The faceplate of her suit was cracked with several claw marks, purple blood splattered on the inside of the glass. The body next to hers was Liara's, another set of claw marks across her stomach with blood trailing from the wounds.

Shepard swallowed the bile in his throat, forcing himself to walk on through the room. The bodies of Thane, Mordin, and Legion were lying in one heap, all with varying wounds. Mordin's body was utterly mutilated, torn apart as if by a gigantic explosion. The areas of exposed skin on his body were covered in angry burns, blood slowly oozing from the scabbing skin. Thane's body was in less of a state, having one neat stab wound in his chest. There was a slight trickle of blood from his chest, dripping slowly down his torso. Legion's body was a complete contrast, it possessed no injuries but was simply inert – completely lifeless. John didn't want to stay in this place, he had seen enough horrors already, but he had to carry on. Perhaps some of the others were still alive.

He moved onwards, now completely unarmed, and headed for another set of doors. He passed through and emerged into a control room of sorts, the smell of blood assaulting his nostrils once more. The first bodies were those of Jack and Grunt, both with sever gunshot wounds across their bodies. They were slumped against desks just beyond the doorway, shotguns lying next to them. Just beyond the desks were the bodies of Kasumi and Zaeed, both sporting similar injuries.

Shepard shook his head in disbelief and complete confusion, why was his squad here alone? Why wasn't he with them?

He was jolted from his thoughts by the sound of gunfire, coming from the final set of doors ahead of him. He hefted Grunt's heavy Claymore off the floor and ran, sprinting towards the loud sounds. Entering the next room he saw a group of cannibals ahead of him, firing at an obscured target. He pumped the weapon several times, creating holes in the back of the cannibals and dropping them all. Then their target was revealed, causing John to once again drop his weapon.

He ran past the hole riddled and bleeding forms of Kaiden Alenko and Ashley Williams, he even glanced over the dismembered body of Garrus by the fallen cannibals. His eyes were only focused on the collapsed form of Miranda ahead of him, crimson blood streaming from various wounds across her torso. Shepard dropped to his knees, raising her head upwards. He was relieved to see that she was still alive, though her gaze was unfocused as she tried to smile at him.

"John?" Her voice was slightly weaker than normal, even a bit shaky.

"I'm here Miri," He gripped her hand with one of his own, cupping her face with his other hand. "I'm gonna get you out of here."

Her gaze focused on him, Miranda's other hand coming up to caress his cheek."I love you John."

"Hold on Miri," He looked around her body, searching for the best place to lift her from. He turned his eyes back to her face, realising they had closed. "Miri?"

There was no sound in reply, only silence.

"Miranda?" He shook her body lightly, trying to coax a reaction from her. He raised his voice slightly. "Miranda?"

Now he panicked, searching his armour for any spare medi-gel. There was none so he turned back to her, shouting her name.

"Miranda! Wake up!"

Chapter 4 – 25th November 2186 – Crucible pulse + exactly 2 months

Once again Shepard awoke drenched in a cold sweat, panicking as he regained consciousness. He sat up in the bed immediately, trying to process the dream he had just experienced.

"Hey, calm down."

He jumped at the sudden voice from his right, mainly due to the fact that he was in the confused state between dream and reality. It took Shepard a few seconds to work through his muddled thoughts before he realised that no one was dead, that it was Miranda who had just spoken to him.

A hand was tentatively laid across his arm, applying gentle reassurance to him. "John?"

He looked to his right as his name was called, seeing Miranda perfectly safe by his side. She was sitting cross legged on the bed in one of his shirts, watching him closely with a concerned expression. Shepard immediately felt guilty, he hated that he was still such a burden even though a couple of months had passed since the war.

"Did I wake you?"

She gave him a wry smile. "Shouting tends to do that."

"God, I'm sorry," He raised a hand to his head, rubbing his eyes harshly. John hadn't been sure of whether he had been shouting in his sleep in his nightmares, though now he knew the answer. "How long have you been up?"

"About twenty minutes."

"This isn't right," He swung his legs off the bed, sitting on the edge with his back to Miranda. "It shouldn't be like this."

He felt a pair of hands gently on his back, rubbing along his neck. Miranda's voice was as gentle as her touch, lightly probing with a question."Shouldn't be like what John?"

"It..." He paused, stopping himself from saying anything else. There were more important things in the galaxy than his bad dreams. "It doesn't matter."

With that he got up, grabbing his bath robe from the side of the bed and walking straight out of the room without another word. He needed to get this out of his system, and the pull up bar and punch bag in the downstairs of the apartment would do perfectly. Shepard only got as far as the upstairs living area before a light touch on his arm stopped him, making him pause in his tracks.

"Don't shut me out John," Miranda turned him around, cupping his jaw and forcing him to look at her. "Or at least don't shut everyone out. You need to get through this, and it can't be done alone."

"I..." She interrupted him.

"It doesn't have to be me if you want. Samara's very wise, or you could talk to Garrus," Miranda's eyes darted around as she spoke, Shepard noting the fact she looked everywhere except at him. "Even Kelly Chambers could help as she's a professional, just someone John – I hate seeing you in this state."

Suddenly Shepard felt really guilty, realising how difficult this must be for Miranda. She was still new to the concept of lasting relationships – though she could have fooled any stranger with how supportive she was – and so was probably highly concerned that he was keeping things from her. Knowing Miranda she was probably blaming herself for his distance at times, and that was simply not the case, despite her claims at not being able to comfort she was very good at it.

"I know, it's not you though Miri," He took hold of her hands, now holding the attention of her eyes with his own. "You've been brilliant."

"I've been wanting to wait until you're ready to talk on your own, but it's getting concerning now," She sighed. "Come with me."

Miranda turned around and began to walk, still with one of their hands clasped together. She took him back to their bedroom, letting go of his hand and sitting down on the bed in front of him.

"I've got an idea," She patted the bed next to her. "Lie down here, on your front. Get rid of the bath robe."

He did as he was told, shedding the bath robe and walking over to the bed in his boxers. Shepard lay down on his front, resting his head on a pillow at the head of the bed. He felt movement next to him as Miranda positioned herself over him, resting her knees either side of his hips. For a few seconds nothing happened but then there was a familiar buzzing sound and sensation, growing more pronounced rather quickly.

Before he could ask anything Miranda began her idea, massaging his back in a circular motion. Her touch was enough to relax his body but her biotics added an extra layer of relaxation, causing all of the muscles in his back to loosen up completely. He felt himself both fully wake up and begin to feel sleepy at the same time, his body revelling in the incredibly relaxing stimuli.

"Is that OK?" Her question was voiced tentatively, John knew that some people didn't like the feeling of such intense biotic power.

He exhaled deeply before responding. "Incredible Miri."

They fell into quietness again, only the light buzzing of biotics and Shepard's gentle moans audible. Miranda continued her ministrations for another few minutes before slowly coming to a stop, dismounting his body. As she stopped John felt completely at ease, more relaxed than he had felt in a long time. He slowly rolled onto his side, Miranda slipping into his arms next to him. He gave her a tender kiss on the cheek, receiving a smile in return.

"That was something else."

"Do you feel relaxed?"

"Most definitely."

"Calm?"

"Yeah."

She turned in his arms, fixing her cerulean eyes on his own. "Calm and relaxed enough to talk to me?"

He didn't say anything at first, just maintaining eye contact with Miranda. Shepard blinked first, averting his eyes from her piercing gaze. He didn't want to tell her about his dreams, to concern her that he dreamt of fantastical stories of her death, but could he really deal with this himself? He had tried that for the past couple of months and, to be honest, it hadn't worked. In fact Shepard knew he hadn't really tried to deal with whatever was going on, and it was past time that he got his act together.

"I keep on having similar nightmares," He paused, clearing his throat before continuing. "It's always about the war, Cerberus or the Reapers killing people...close to me."

"Including me?" Miranda's inquiry was voiced softly but without any trace of fear. Shepard paused before answering, not quite sure what to say. But he knew Miranda couldn't help him if he hid details, and he knew she would be strong enough to deal with it.

"Always you."

"Oh John," Miranda hugged him closer, pulling his head onto her chest and holding him closely. He felt safer in that position, protected by her even. She pressed a kiss to his head, lightly stroking the back of his head. "I know it doesn't feel fake at the time, but they're only dreams. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere else."

"But sometimes it's worse, sometimes you're..." He sat up suddenly, now speaking rather rapidly. Now that he had broken the barrier of talking he couldn't stop himself. "Sometimes I see you, not dead, but indoctrinated – just like Kai Leng and The Illusive Man. With Reaper tech all over you. Sometimes I wake before anything happens, sometimes I wake as you kill me," His voice died away to a hoarse whisper. "Once I even killed you."

Miranda sat up next to him, again pulling him closer and leaning his head on her shoulder. The simple gesture was enough to calm John back down, comforting him more than any words could. They remained like that for about a minute before either of them were ready to say anything. Miranda was the first to speak.

"I suspected it was something like this," She kissed him lightly on the temple. "But it's good that you told me yourself. It's a step in the right direction."

He sighed in response. "It won't stop these dreams."

"You're right, it won't. But it will help you to come to terms with everything in time."

"Maybe," He sat up out of her embrace, once more swinging his legs over the bed though this time he did not have his back to her. Though he did feel slightly better to have revealed some of his nightmares, he wasn't ready for a full dissection just yet. "Do you mind if I go and take a shower?"

"That's a good idea," She moved to the edge of the bed herself, intertwining her fingers with his own. "We can take this at your pace, I know you won't want a full cross-section just yet and I get that."

"Thanks Miri." Shepard turned his head, giving her a lasting kiss on the lips. He tried to convey his appreciation through the kiss, Miranda clearly understanding and replying by deepening her own intensity. After a few more seconds they broke apart, each giving the other a loving look. Then he got up off the bed, walking over to the bathroom.

"John?" He turned in the doorway at the sound of his name. "I want you to make me a promise."

"Sure."

"Promise me that you won't bottle any of this up, every time you need to talk to me then do. I can help."

He waited a second or two before answering. There was no way that he could turn this down, in the long run he knew Miranda was going about this the right way. "I promise."

"I love you."

He gave Miranda a smile in return. "I love you too."

Then he turned into the bathroom, shedding his boxers and moving underneath the shower. He turned on the water, setting it to a slightly higher temperature than normal, and then rested his arms against the wall in front. The hot water felt rejuvenating as it poured over his body, allowing him to relax even further.

Without warning he felt smooth arms snaking around his waste, hands immediately going for his crotch. A smile graced his lips as Miranda's own worked around the back of his neck, her hands expertly massaging his member to erection.

"Not even a minute Miri, someone's very enthusiastic"

"Oh?" Her tone was one of playfulness as she slipped around past his own body. Miranda placed herself right in front of him, spreading her folds with one hand whilst giving him a very alluring look. "I just need something now to get me through all of the speeches later."

He raised an eyebrow, giving her a smirk of his own. Though this was clearly part of her plan to comforting him, he was more than happy to play along with her. "Well I'll be gentle then, wouldn't want you to be in pain sitting down for all that time."

Miranda laughed as he moved closer, running his hands all over her body. He stopped for a second after he kissed her on the lips, staring straight into her mischief filled eyes. It was a similar moment that he had experienced many times before, when he realised just how lucky he was to have Miranda Lawson in his life. She was entirely perfect for him, able to be emotionally strong and comforting him in one minute before being incredibly sensual and playful the next. There was no doubt that he would not have made it through the last couple of years without her, and he fully intended to show her how much she meant to him. Not just in that moment, but for as long as they had each other.

Miranda rolled her eyes at him as she often did when he was clearly in one of those overly romantic moments, firmly taking charge of the situation. She lined herself up with his member and then lifted her legs, wrapping them around his body. His arms immediately went behind her back, lifting her up by the small of her back. Then Miranda lowered herself down on his manhood, shuddering lightly as she was slowly filled. When their hips met she stopped, raising an eyebrow and mastering her bodies natural urge to shake with the intense pleasure.

"Show me what you've got then Tiger!"

XXXXXXXX

Shepard was struggling to keep focus on the service taking place, his mind constantly wandering. It was mainly because his gaze kept flicking to the large screen behind the main stage, continuously shifting through a slide show of images. Many of the pictures were ones that Shepard himself had sent to Hackett from his own collection for the service, depicting various scenes on both the SR-1 and SR-2. Currently it showed an image of Javik with Mordin in a headlock, Shepard smiling as he remembered what had happened. It was just before securing the Cerberus bomb on Tuchunka and, when Mordin had discovered a real Prothean was aboard, the Salarian had been desperate to get some samples. Javik had not taken it well.

The picture then changed, to one not from the Normandy. It was one of Admiral Anderson, taken a few years prior when he had been made Councillor. John studied the face of the Admiral, recalling their last moments together as well as the many other experiences they had shared. The two had been close for as long as he could remember, Anderson having been great friends with Shepard's father. They had fought together for a long time and when his friend died Anderson had stepped in to help where he could, acting as the father figure John had lost. And now, like so many others, he was gone. Lost to the Reaper's and Cerberus.

And now they were meant to be honoured as the 'glorious dead'. Well, not in those exact words, but that was pretty much what the Council were spinning with this service. To honour the dead and the living that had served the galaxy so dutifully. It was a ridiculous notion to Shepard, the Council had never been particularly caring for humanity or the majority of those they were actually honouring.

But so it was that he found himself sitting at the front of hundreds of assorted species, made up of dignitaries, politicians, generals and admirals. He had hoped to arrive slightly early, mainly to meet up with some of the crew members for a drink before hand, but in fact he and Miranda had arrived a bit late. It was their fault to be honest, getting slightly carried away with each other in the flat. Of course he didn't mind that, but he had received a few knowing glances from several audience members – including his mother – when the two had rushed up the aisle to the front.

So far there had been many speeches from various dignitaries and they had begun the long process of giving out medals. It wasn't just his own crew that were receiving accolades, but many other leaders and warriors as well. Though the intention was for everyone who lived through the war to be praised, he couldn't help but feel a bit guilty for being treated as one of the select few.

Over the last twenty minutes they had begun to award the medals to the Normandy crew. It had gone pretty well so far, with the only hiccup being Kasumi's turn. Clearly she hadn't been keen to be seen in public and on live broadcast, and the Councillors had to inform the audience that she had actually stolen her award the previous night and replaced it with a note describing, in detail, the different types of underwear that John owned. Thankfully they didn't read the details of the note out, but he did make a note to reprimand the sneaky thief for that.

He had also been concerned about the reception Miranda would receive from everybody there. Though they were all in her debt, and they knew it because of the recent revelations by Alliance Command, he was sure that some people would still be hostile towards an ex-Cerberus operative. In fact he had been completely wrong, she had been met with the same response as Garrus, Ashley, Liara, and all of the others. And she had looked incredible, wearing that red dress that suited her so well.

But since then more speeches had taken place, causing John to slip into his own little world of remembrance. As a result he didn't hear his name being called, only realising that all eyes were on him when Miranda gently touched his arm. He was still in a bit of a daze when his body began to move, standing up and walking up to the Council members ahead of him. There was thunderous applause as he shook hands and collected a large, shiny medallion from Sparatus.

The Turian inclined his head slightly, speaking across the cheers of the crowd. "Perhaps you would like to say something commander."

"It's just John now Councillor," He couldn't stop himself from saying that, Shepard had spent the last couple of months correcting people. He wasn't in the military any more, and he wanted people to know it. And he wasn't to keen on speaking to everyone, but now they were watching with expectant eyes. "But I'll speak if you want me to."

The Turian nodded, stepping backwards and taking a seat next to the other Councillors. Shepard turned the other way, walking over to the lectern and looking over the crowd. There was absolute silence in the Council Chambers, everyone waiting for him to speak. He wasn't so sure where to start, it was usually a speech to pull people through the coming storm that he had to make – not a 'victory' speech.

"Well, thanks for this medal guys," He looked over towards the Councillors, giving them a forced smile. "It means a lot, but I feel a bit out of sorts being up here."

He turned back to face the audience, swallowing nervously. What could he say to them, what were the boundaries of what could be disclosed? The entire of the galaxy was watching through the live broadcast, but what should they be told of? Shepard's eyes found Miranda's, and she wore a look of understanding and empathy for his position. But she gave him an ever so slight nod, a small but reassuring gesture.

"I suppose I shouldn't actually be here, in front of you all. By rights I should be dead, but that's due to the amazing woman sitting there," He pointed over at Miranda, she went slightly red at the change of attention. Soon all eyes returned to him though. "But I've heard some strange things since the end of the war, people have said that if I hadn't been brought back then the war would have been lost – that I was the only one was able to end it."

It was a debate that had been raging for the last couple of months, many people believing that no one else could've saved the galaxy. Maybe there was a degree of truth to that idea, but John reckoned that it was impossible to say something like that. He decided to take the speech in that direction.

"And I think that isn't true, I don't think that it's possible to say that. Yes the Normandy was responsible for some of the victories of the war, but could we have done that without the millions of other people fighting?" He leaned forwards slightly, surprised he had the audience hooked on his every word. "Whilst we were running around there were, not just soldiers, but everyday civilians holding the line, fighting the terrors that the Reapers were creating. Those are the true heroes of this war, and they must not be forgotten."

"I don't want the oversized legacy of the Normandy to overshadow the truth, of what really won us this war. In fact that's why I wasn't too keen on coming to this thing at all. I'm proud of what my team has achieved, they went above and beyond for everyone, but we didn't win the war. It wasn't just us, and it most certainly wasn't the Alliance or the Council," He tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice as he said this, though from the looks of shame crossing the faces of one or two of the Admirals showed that he failed. "It was the hard graft and sacrifices of individuals, from those who lead the efforts like Admiral Anderson, to those who picked up a rifle for the first time to defend their homes, to those who pulled out all the stops to keep some kind of economy going."

"Remember them and what they sacrificed as we begin to rebuild, we have this second chance that so many other races did not. Lets not waste it by going back to the petty ways of before, people didn't die in their millions for that to happen," He stood back slightly, drawing himself up to his full height. Again all eyes followed his movements. "Lets do better this time, we owe it to the heroes. Thank you."

He stepped back from the lectern, heading back down to his seat. There was silence for a few seconds as everyone processed what he had said, but soon people began to clap. It was respectful at first, but soon became louder before eventually it became a standing ovation. He gave another nod of appreciation before sitting down next to Miranda. She leaned into him, giving him a peck on the cheek while whispering.

"Well done John, I think people might finally be beginning to appreciate just how lucky we are to have you."

He didn't say anything in reply, instead just intertwining his hand with hers as he watched the Council members standing up to speak again.

XXXXXXXX

"Well that was something different wasn't it?"

The assorted group nodded at Garrus' statement, all agreeing that the day had been a something new for all of them. Now they were in a drinks reception, Shepard standing by the bar with Garrus, Liara, Ashley, and Tali. All had procured drinks, many were on their second, though Garrus was keeping an eye on Tali – her record with alcohol wasn't brilliant.

"It's nice to be appreciated," Ashley placed her drink down on the table next to her, folding her arms at whilst looking at Shepard with narrowed eyes. "But what was all of that about in your speech?"

"What was about what?"

"About the Alliance not winning the war, I mean they..."

Shepard cut off Ashley, not harshly but firmly. "They didn't win it, in fact they hindered the effort by ignoring us for pretty much four years."

"I know that, and I'm not defending the Brass. Their actions may have coast the lives of millions," She sighed, gesturing with her hands. "But a hell of a lot of Alliance personnel fought and died in the war."

"I wasn't having a go at the personnel, only the brass. That was my whole point," He downed the remaining beer in the bottle he held, placing it next to Ashley's glass. "I don't have any problems with the fighters, hell even a couple of the Admirals are all right, but it's the ones who played the political games that I can't ever forgive."

"Uch, I'm sorry," Ashley looked down. "I still can't get my head around everything in the last couple of years. Why people did what they did..."

"Ash, don't worry about it," He gave her a wry smile. "I think a lot of people will take time to work out what happened."

An awkward silence settled on the group. They all knew Ashley was still struggling with the aftermath of Horizon and beyond, but to be honest Shepard was a bit fed up of her inability to move on. He had forgiven her already, and she was one of his oldest and closest friends. If only she could move on herself.

"So Tali, how are things on Rannoch?"

"Surely your sources would let you know," The young Quarian leaned forwards. "Or have you been too busy with Javik to keep up with your work?"

"That is simply not the case," Liara did flush a slight shade of purple, she was still getting used to the jesting she received from the squadmates over her new relationship. Everyone else thought it was actually really sweet, the Prothean expert who had dedicated her life and passions to the race was now in love with one of them. "I am still re-establishing my network, there are some gaps."

"I don't believe that, but things are going very well thank you," Tali took a step back and leaned into Garrus. "We haven't got around to building a proper house yet, my Admiralty business has been rather arduous, but we have begun construction of settlements."

"It's amazing how quickly it's happened, but that's the Geth for you," Garrus shook his head, chuckling. "Despite killing thousands of the tin cans, they are incredible to have on your side."

"That's good news," Liara turned to Shepard. "And I can't wait to visit your house on Earth John, the pictures you sent and what I've seen on vid-cam look picturesque."

"It's beautiful there, really quiet. Miri picked it," Shepard glanced around him, finding Miranda across the crowd. She was in deep conversation with his mother, and both seemed to be happy. He was glad his mother approved of Miranda, he had been concerned that she would take a stance because of her Cerberus ties. He turned back to his friends, all watching with amused expressions. "Really homely."

"Is there a family on the cards?"

He looked back to the Turian who had voice the question, thinking of how to answer. "In the future, but we're getting settled right now."

"Fair enough, and Liara what about you? I'm sure Javik would make an interesting father."

"Don't make fun Garrus, he would be brilliant," Liara suddenly realised what she had said, hastening to correct herself. "But of course that would be a long way off, and probably not our thing."

The group laughed at the Asari's backtracking, enjoying the idle banter. They continued the conversation for several minutes but Tali suddenly interrupted them all.

"Hey, isn't that Conrad Verner?"

"Where?"

"Over there!" She pointed to a group of C-Sec officers at one end of the hall, a human giving the rest orders. When that human turned around they saw his face, indeed revealing Conrad Verner.

"Well, I'll be damned!" Shepard's mouth was agape, he was amazed the guy was still alive let alone a C-Sec officer.

"Oh you didn't hear?" They all turned to Garrus, a smug Turian grin on his face. "A friend of mine told me that he was given an officer post, something to do with heroic actions when the Reapers tried to take the Citadel."

"That is just..." Shepard shook his head, grabbing another beer from the table in front and taking a big swig. "Nuts, absolutely nuts."

A/N Kasumi idea provided by Magery, too funny to pass up on!