Callie sat next to Marianna on her bed. When Stef entered the room she pointed to the Latino daughter and said "Out Miss thang, go bond with one of your brothers or something."
Marianna closed the top on her laptop and whined "Why? I was trying to catch up on Teen Wolf!" The teen thought it was unfair that her moms were kicking her out of her own room but when she saw the serious look on their faces she gathered her things and left. "Fine, I'll just go watch Twilight with Jude."
She sped out of the room before Lena could share her concern with a 12 year old watching Twilight. "Okay." She sighed. "I guess, Callie you can sit there and we will…"
"Completely invade my privacy by going through all my things and taking my possessions?" Callie knew she was being a bitch but she was pissed off and this was her last attempt at getting her moms to change their mind.
"Very funny" Lena walked over to Callie's side of the room "So we can do this the easy way, where you tell us where they are and this is over faster, or the hard way, where we go through all of your stuff. Your choice" Lena was hoping she would choose the easy way because she could see the pain on Stef's face build.
"There is one under the mattress, one under that candle, three in the smallest pocket of my bag, and one behind that picture." She pointed to each one as she named it. Callie hoped this would be over quick because she was already uncomfortable.
Stef marched to the vanilla scented candle and lifted it. There it was; the piece of metal that had been her friend for so many years. When she looked at the shining trapezoid she heard it calling to her. "I know you miss me." It said. Stef tried hard to keep her breathing normal but it felt as if everything was closing in around her and the only thing in the world was her and the blade.
Callie couldn't help but notice how long Stef was staring at the blade before she finally picked it up and threw it into a Ziploc bag. Callie wondered if Stef thought about keeping it for her own use at all. Probably, she thought, once a cutter always a cutter.
Lena took her time scoping out the whole frame of the bed for more than one blade before she finally lowered the twin sized mattress. One part of her was surprised that the teen was actually telling the truth about the location and quantity of the razors. When she turned around Stef was slowly placing the silver scrap into the plastic bag she brought along. Lena passed by her, dropping the one she found into the bag next to the other.
Stef wondered why Lena put her of all people in charge of holding the blades. Didn't she know tools were her biggest trigger? Oh yea, she didn't. When Stef carefully unzipped the smallest zipper on the teen's leather bag she almost lost it. She reached into the pocket and her finger grazed the sharp end of one of them. This was not enough to leave a mark but enough to have Stef freak out.
Callie was scrolling through Instagram when she heard Stef let out a gasp and stand up. She locked her phone and set it down. By this point Stef was not breathing well.
"Stef, Are you alright?" Lena asked her wife.
Stef started to violently shake her head no. She was far from being alright. Stef was full on triggered and she only needed one thing in the moment. The supplies were all right there in a plastic bag but she thought of all the people she would be letting down. Instead, she dropped the bag and sped out of the room.
Callie knew that she was probably the only one who would be able to handle this. Lena would probably freak out seeing her wife triggered for the first time and none of the kids would know how to handle it so Callie took off after the woman. "I should probably…"
Lena nodded. She had never seen her wife in such a state before. Lena wasn't sure what to do so she collected the rest of Callie's blade and sat on her bed. She didn't quite understand how a person could still be triggered if she quit decades ago. Lena knew that Stef had a bad life but everything was fixed now right? Apparently everything can come back to haunt you once it is all said and done.
When Callie reached the foot of the stairs she saw the blonde exit through the sliding screen door and into the backyard. Callie didn't want Stef leaving the property and going to do something, so she ran out of the house. "Stef, wait up!" Callie yelled after her mom just in time to see the women plop down under the huge oak tree.
Stef needed fresh air and space to breathe. She started violently yanking handfuls of grass out of the ground. When Stef felt calmed down she placed her hands on her knees and let out a huge sigh.
"Is it planting season?" Callie said as she pointed to the now bare patch of earth in front of Stef.
Stef chuckled. "Are you sure you're not mine?"
"I've been thinking that more and more recently." Callie noticed just how much they had in common.
"Yea, anyways…I'm sorry for all this. I didn't mean to…" Stef trailed off. This was pretty embarrassing. She hadn't been triggered since she told Mike that she was gay.
Callie interrupted the silence "Let me guess, blades trigger you? Don't apologize. At least you have the self-control to restrain yourself from actually doing anything."
Stef looked down at the grass and then into the house. "I know, I'm just thinking of poor Lena right now. She must be traumatized." Stef knew Lena didn't handle things well when loved ones were in trouble.
Callie seized this as an opportunity to ask the question she had been pondering ever since she found out about Stef's previous self-harming. "Which reminds me, why didn't you ever tell Lena about you? She is the love of your life; don't you think she deserved to know?"
Stef sighed "I don't know I was embarrassed. I wanted to be independent and I didn't want to be worried about. For a while I actually thought Lena would refrain from marrying me if she knew."
"That's crazy…" Callie couldn't imagine Stef or Lena being with anyone but each other and she knew that nothing, especially something that happened over a decade ago, could ruin their love for each other.
Stef nodded "I know that now. Anyways, I know how much it sucks. I mean how we are doing all of this. My mom did the same to me."
"I figured. Did your dad ever know about anything?" Callie knew that Stef always talked about how her mom helped her quit but she never heard anything about Stef's dad.
Stef looked up at the brunette teen "My dad could care less. In his mind, homosexuals deserve to have this done to them. He was proud of me for punishing myself so he didn't have to." Stef never talked about her dad, not even to Lena, but something about this teen who had had a life as hard as her own made her feel safe.
Callie was shocked at the behavior of Stef's dad. She was glad that Jude will always have a home better than Stef's growing up. "Wow. What a dick head. So, are we playing 'Who's Life Sucks More?'" Callie laughed at her own joke as she tried to lighten the mood.
Stef laughed herself. "Yep, you are definitely my child. Besides, you would win. Now it is my turn to ask personal questions. Before us, did anyone ever notice that you self-harm?" Stef couldn't imagine this girl cutting for 2 years without anyone saying anything.
Callie knew this question would come sooner or later. "Apparently Jude did but he never said anything to me. But other than him nobody noticed. Or at least they didn't care. No one ever really cared about what I did to myself so I kept doing it and um… here I am."
Stef got up from her place and walked over to Callie. She helped her up and looked her straight in the eye. "We will always care Callie. So you better get used to it. Thanks for coming out here, talking with you really helped. I love you Callie." Stef pulled Callie into a giant bear hug.
"I love you too, Mama Stef"
NOTE: You guys were really quiet last chapter... BE LOUDER! No, seriously. I got a few suggestions and I tried to weave them in here. I worked really hard on this chapter and i hope you guys like it! Thanks to the person who helped me with my writers block, you know who you are :) Keep the reviews and suggestions coming and I will see you next chapter!
xoxo Katie