Disclaimer: Once again...not mine..all of them are Kripke's.

Author's Note: This was excruciatingly hard to write. Again, I am drawing from a very dark time in my life. So just bear with me as I use the boys to bear my soul a little bit. Also, wanna apologize for traumatizing my roomie Becky "Padalecki.' When I read this to her, she sort of went catatonic for a few minutes.

Far From Home

Chapter Ten

Darkness covered the landscape, the quarter moon only occasionally peeking through the trees. Sam was driving down a back road, lost in his thoughts. When he left the cemetery after talking to Cas, he had made the decision not to go. His eyes were bleary from lack of sleep. He knew that he should pull over and get a couple of hours of rest before driving the rest of the way back home. It would be stupid on his part to die in a car crash after everything he had endured. He had the day off from working at the restaurant tomorrow so he knew that he could sleep in if he wanted to. Not that he would. Sam still wasn't able to sleep through the night. The nightmares he had were overwhelming. One of the other busboys looked at him one day and said he looked like shit and should see a doctor. He finally broke down and did just that. Now he had a prescription at home for sleeping pills. He took them a couple of times, but not even that helped him get through the night. Every night he closed his eyes and every night it was the same thing. He was in the Cage with Lucifer and Michael. When they weren't at each other's throats, they went after him. Sometimes they would just torture him. Slowly peeling away his flesh until there was nothing left. Then they would pull out his insides and devour them while he watched. Those were the easiest days. It was the times when Lucifer would over-power him and before he could even blink, the demon was on top of him. Assaulting him in the worst way imaginable. He tried so hard to fight back. But every time he did, it would make it worse. Lucifer would beat Sam over and over and when he was done, he would grab him, running his hands down Sam's battered body and then bend him over and plunge into him. There was no preparation, no warning. The pain he felt was unfathomable. Like he was being ripped in two. Sam would scream and beg him to stop. But that just spurned the demon on. Harder and harder Lucifer would drive himself deeper and deeper into Sam's ass, all the way to the hilt. Sam could feel the blood seeping out of him from the bombardment of Lucifer's cock. Tears would pour down his face and Lucifer would laugh, enjoying his humiliation. Before he was finished, the demon would pull out of Sam. Grabbing him by the hair he would force his way into Sam's mouth. Sam tried to keep his jaw clenched shut but he was too weak. The fallen angel would spill his seed down Sam's mouth laughing in delight as he choked on it. Vomit would instantly rise and he would wretch up it's contents instantly. Everyday this went on. The taunting, the torment, the pain. Once, he thought Michael was going to jump in on the raping, but he just looked away and said that was one line he wouldn't cross. But that didn't mean that Michael didn't have his own agenda for Sam. He was pissed that he was stuck there. So he thought up more creative tortures for Sam to endure. One particularly brutal attack came just after Lucifer had finished raping him again. He was broken and spent, lying in the dirt. He couldn't move for the pain he was in. That's when he saw her. Jess. Like an angel in a storm. He reached out to her and she smiled at him. But then the next thing he knew, Michael was walking up behind her. Taking her into his arms he proceeded to caress her body. Kissing her neck, rubbing her all over. Jess moaned his name over and over. Michael delved down between her legs, licking her center. Sam watched as the archangel slid his fingers into Jess and started to push them in an out while he sucked on her clit. Jess was building to a feverish pitch. Cumming over and over again at Michael's minstrations. Then she would climb on top of him and fuck him with wild abandoned, both of them laughing at the look on Sam's face. And everytime, she would turn and look at Sam and say.."Thank you for not saving me Sam. I have it so much better now. You never could make me feel this good." Sam finally turned away. His heart shattering over and over. On and on this went. Every day and night. They tried to break him. But the whole time he was in hell, which to Sam seemed like forever, he held on to one thought. Dean was safe. The world was safe. He had done what was right. And even though every day he was trapped down there, enduring indescribable torment, he knew that it was worth it.

Sam rolled his window down, needing some fresh air. On the radio, Metallica's "Turn The Page" was playing. His chest grew tight and he felt like he couldn't breath. He had never really cared for the band, but hearing the lyrics broke Sam's heart when he thought of Dean blasting it all the time when they were on the road.

On a long and lonesome highway,

East of Omaha,

You can listen to the engine moanin' out his one note song,

You can think about the woman or the girl you knew the night before,

But your thoughts will soon be wanderin' the way they always do,

When you're ridin' sixteen hours and there's nothin' much to do.

And you don't feel much like ridin',

You just wish the trip was through.

Here I am on the road again.

There I am up on the stage.

Here I go playin' star again.

There I go, Turn the page.

Pulling the Jeep over to the side of the road, he opened the door and jumped out. A flood of emotions taking over. He just wanted Dean to be happy. To lead a normal life. And out of the blue, Cas shows up and said that Dean had broken one of the two promises that he had made to Sam. And now he was in trouble. "Must be Thursday." he thought. He knew that Dean had people he could count on. He didn't need Sam anymore. He had a new family and he had Bobby if shit got hairy. Why in God's name would he even entertain the thought of messing that up? Sam knew his head was seriously screwed on wrong. So much there that he never wanted Dean to know about. And if he were with him, Dean would force him to talk about it. Sam thought about how he pushed his brother to talk about his time in Hell. He knew that Dean was holding back a lot of the details but when his brother did finally talk to him, what he heard pierced his heart. They had just helped an angel named Anna get her grace back. She was being hunted by demons and angels alike. The demons wanted to torture her, the angel wanted to kill her because she had rebelled. After the fight, Sam and Dean were on a small side road by the Impala having the customary beer when Dean finally decided to talk.

"I know you heard him." Dean started.

"Who?"

"Alistair. What he said. About how I had promise."

Sam looked at Dean. "I heard him."

"You're not curious?" he asked.

"Dean, I'm damn curious. But you're not talking about hell and I'm not pushing.

Dean nodded slightly. He took a swig of his beer and thought for a moment. Memories instantly flooding back to his mind. "It wasn't four months, you know."

"What?" Sam asked. Surprised that not only by what Dean was saying but that he was talking about it all.

"It was four months up here, but down there...I don't know, time's different. It was more like forty years." Dean could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He found it hard to breath. He didn't know if he really wanted to spill his guts yet, but it was now or never. Alistair had seen to that.

"My God." Sam replied.

"They...uh...They sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you..." Dean paused. "Until there was nothing left. And then suddenly, I was whole again. Like magic. Just so they could start in again. And Alistair, at the end of everyday...every one...he would come over, and he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack, if I put souls on. If I started to torture. And everyday I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore Sammy." Dean started to tear up at the memory of what he had done. He was so ashamed and it was evident in his voice. "I couldn't. Then I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it and I started ripping them apart." "I lost count at how many souls." A single tear slid down Dean's right cheek. He made no move to wipe it away. "The things I did to them..."

Sam looked at his older brother and his heart hurt for the pain Dean was in. "Dean...Dean, you held out for thirty years. That's longer than anyone would have."

Dean was crying harder now. He couldn't control it any longer. Everything was coming at him like a runaway train and he was powerless to stop it. "How I feel...This...inside me. I wish I couldn't feel anything Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."

Sam inhaled a sharp intake of breath. He thought he had understood what Dean was feeling at the time. But truth be told, you have to go through something like that to really know. Now he knew. And that was all the more reason to stay away from his older brother. He didn't want to be a constant reminder of Dean's time in Hell. But what Cas had said earlier about him being up against something he wasn't prepared for kept nagging at his brain. What if it really was as bad as the angel had said? Sam had thought that maybe Cas was saying this so that he would run to Dean and reveal himself. A half-assed attempt at a reunion on Cas' part. But then he realized that Cas had respect his wishes for almost a year and not told Dean about him being back. Why would he try something now. Realization hit Sam like a ton of bricks. He could lose his brother all over again and it would be his fault. Sam jumped into the Jeep and threw it into gear. Whipping the car around he prayed that he still had enough time. Prayed that Dean wouldn't hate him, and prayed that he would still be alive.