"No, no, no," Shepard sank to his knees, ghostly pale and staring at the man in front of him. "Kill me instead."

"Oh, I plan to kill you as well," The Illusive Man took a dreg from his cigarette, the Reaper tech shining a brighter blue as he inhaled. "But you have to watch what happens to your beloved first. Leng?"

A door to the right opened, the Asian assassin striding in with his usual cocksure sneer. In his left hand he held his sword and in his right he clutched a mass of raven black hair, using it to drag Miranda into the room. She was so weak that she couldn't try to resist him, allowing herself to be hauled towards them. She was clad in her catsuit but it was bloodied and shredded, exposing her body. Black and blue bruises covered her body, and blood was trickling from several wounds on her torso, her mouth, and her nose. The scene was horrific enough, but what made Shepard despair even more was the fact that Kai had no remorse for inflicting these injuries on a pregnant woman. The slight bulge in her stomach had one of the biggest concentrations of bruises on her body.

"How could you?" He shook his head, despairing madly. He tried to make it over to Miranda, but the assault trooper behind him kept him in a tight lock which he couldn't shake. "Miranda can you hear me?"

There was no verbal reply, only her attempt to open her eyes. She was too weak to manage even that, and sour laughter filled the room.

"How touching, the poor souls really are in love," Shepard turned his gaze to The Illusive Man, mustering as much venom as he could. "But it's foolish, it has made you both weak. It's what's got you in this position. And really, it's you that has killed her Shepard. And now, watch."

Leng dropped to a crouch position next to her, reversing the grip on his sword. He grinned at Shepard as he lightly pressed it against the bulge on Miranda's stomach. Then his lips twisted in a cruel snarl as he forced it against her bruised skin, ramming the blade through her torso.

12th April 2187 – Crucible pulse + 6 ½ months

Once again Shepard found himself shooting up in bed, shaking lightly and covered in sweat. Again he performed the same routine of checking his surroundings for any threats before checking the woman next to him. Again she was no longer asleep, woken by his sudden motions or perhaps any shouts he had made during the night.

"Oh, not again John," Miranda sat up, running a hand along his forehead gently whilst speaking softly. "Come here."

He allowed himself to be clutched tightly, being pulled into her shoulder with arms around his torso. Shepard placed a trembling hand on her stomach, running it over the tiny bump in the centre. It wasn't particularly visible just yet, though if you pressed lightly and you were familiar with her body then it was obvious to the touch. He found himself having to double check on it's presence, and Miranda knew that.

"We're all right John," He felt her hands rubbing along his back, comforting him by relieving pressure points with deft movements of her fingers. "They're getting more frequent, aren't they?"

Shepard nodded in reply, still unable to speak.

"Tell me."

"It's just...I don't...Why is it getting worse again Miri?" He dropped his head down, almost in shame. Whilst it has been bad before now it was worse, Miranda was pregnant and really didn't need to be woken up nightly. But he couldn't tell her that, she wouldn't accept that she couldn't look after herself, a baby, and John. It wasn't that she couldn't, it was that she shouldn't. "I don't understand."

"The mind is a complex thing, it can play tricks on you for what seems like no reason," He felt her hands clasp around his own. "But there is always a reason, you have to find the underlying problem. Now tell me what happened."

"I don't know where we were or why we were there, but it was the pair of us. And The Illusive Man, and Kai Leng," He swallowed. "I was with The Illusive Man, having a conversation. He wanted to know something and..."

He was stopped by a slender finger being pressed over his lips.

"Hold that thought."

With that Miranda jumped off the bed, rushing over to the bathroom as quickly as she could. A second after she disappeared John heard her retch. With a grimace he got up to go to her, still feeling out of sorts himself. She was hunched over the toilet, clutching her stomach and shaking her head. He bent down next to her, rubbing her back in much the same way she had been doing to him only a minute earlier.

"Can you get me some water please?"

Shepard stood up, grabbing a glass on the shelf and filling it with water from the tap. He took it back to her, and Miranda took it to rinse out her mouth several times before repeating with some mint mouthwash.

"Thanks," Miranda rested her arms on the basin, he noticed they were shaking lightly. "Morning sickness isn't pleasant at all, seems your mother was correct."

"She usually is," He placed arms around her waist, now his concern for her had cleared his head. "It's a trait you share."

"Guess so," Their eyes met in the mirror. "Now, you were in the middle of telling me about that dream before junior interrupted us?"

"It..." He rubbed along her arms, thinking. She didn't need this now, she didn't need this at all. He could work this out alone, and he had an idea who could help. "It doesn't matter, we're fine and that's all that matters."

XXXXXXXX

As they flew along through the Presidium Miranda talked animatedly, mainly about the baby. But as she talked her eyes were still firmly focused on the space ahead of the sky car, driving expertly, safely, and responsibly. Shepard had tried, yet again, to be allowed to fly but, yet again, Miranda had flatly refused. She had never quite gotten over his escapades on Illium or in the Hammerhead. And, of course, she had heard about his adventures in the MAKO. As a result, he was banned from any form of flying, driving, and the general control of any transport whatsoever.

Eventually though, Miranda stopped talking long enough for Shepard to get a word in.

"So, will we find out the sex of the baby today?"

"No, it's too early to know that," She gave him a quick glance. "Do you want to know that before the birth? It was something I was meaning to ask you about."

"Well it..."

Miranda cut across him rather cheerfully."I mean it would be easier for us to know, so we can buy the right stuff in advance, paint the room the right colour, and other things like that."

"Yes but..."

She interrupted him again. "Having said that it would be rather exciting to not know, a real surprise for us."

"I think..."

Shepard rolled his eyes as Miranda stopped him a third time. "Most people find out though, don't they? So they can organise themselves properly and..."

"Miranda!" Finally he interrupted her, placing a hand on her arm.

"Right, I wanted your opinion didn't I?" She gave him a sheepish look. "Sorry."

"Na, you're quite amusing when you get like this," He smiled. "And I don't mind whether we find out about the sex, though it would be nice to have a surprise."

"Right." She nodded, offering him no more than that.

"Erm...you don't just have to give one word answers now. I know you're practically exploding with excitement these days."

"Yeah, you're right," Miranda grinned as she banked the skycar around to park it. "Though I need to remember to keep a lid on it in public, it's no good if everyone thinks I'm a softy now is it? I have a reputation to keep after all."

"Hah, suppose you're right."

They parked near the upper levels of Huerta, by the private wings rather than the crowded A & E sections that were more open to the public. The appointment was in the private block, and neither of them had been keen on having to travel through the entire facility. Or being seen by the press. The media was still rather content to spend hours speculating about the relationship of the 'galactic saviour' and his 'paramour', in fact Shepard was pretty sure that they were being tailed the last time they had been on the Citadel a fortnight ago. Neither of them were keen to reveal Miranda's pregnancy just yet, outside of her doctors no one knew – even Oriana was still in the dark at the moment.

They only had to wait for a few minutes in the reception before they were called forward by an Asari nurse. The nurse appeared bored as she called out Miranda's name but as soon as Shepard stood up that all changed. Her eyes went wide, and her mouth gaped open as she realised who she had to escort to the examination room. And soon she was giving him a once over. To be honest Shepard found that slightly amusing, but the look on Miranda's face was anything but amused. He noticed a coldness in her eyes that he hadn't seen for a while, directly aimed at this nurse. He could see a situation developing rather quickly, so he decided to try and nip it in the bud before anything could happen.

"Play nice Miri," He placed an arm around her waist. "Remember why we're here."

"We're not here for you to be gaped at by lustful Asari nurses, that's for sure," She said that in a threatening tone, loud enough to be heard by the nurse in question, who gulped rather noticeably, but not quite loud enough for the entire waiting room to hear. She continued in the same tone. "You are mine, and mine only."

"I'll put this possessiveness down to hormones," He gave her a kiss on the cheek. "You're not usually bothered by that kind of thing."

"You do that then, and no I'm not usually," They entered the examination room together, Miranda appearing to conjure up a smile out of nowhere as they greeted Doctor Walters. "Doctor, great to see you."

"It is Miss Lawson, and you Mr Shepard," He gave them a wide smile. "And congratulations to you both."

"Thank you doctor."

"Well, it's just a normal scan today. If you want to lie down here?"

He gestured to the bed, Miranda nodding and lying down on it. Without being asked she rolled up the bottom of her T-shirt, exposing her stomach. Shepard took a seat next to her as the nurse – who still looked a bit nervous – manoeuvred a vid-screen next to the bed. Walters had produced a cylindrical object, it looked a bit like a microphone to Shepard's untrained eyes. In his other hand was a small bottle of liquid.

"This will feel a bit..."

"Cold?" Miranda finished Walters' sentence for him with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes."

Shepard watched him squeeze the bottle, the shiny, gel like substance drizzling onto Miranda's stomach. He tried to keep his mind on why they were there, though that was difficult when her smooth skin had become shiny and oily. She noticed his stare, giving him a grin and a wink.

"Keep control of yourself John."

He didn't reply to her, his attention was now focused on the screen. Miranda's was as well as the doctor had began scanning her with the device. An image appeared on the screen, in black and white and rather grainy at first. It became clearer and more pronounced though, the shape of Miranda's womb becoming visible. In the centre was a small mass, looking like a misshapen oval to him at a first glance. No one spoke at first.

"And there she is," Miranda spoke in the same hushed tone that he had heard once before, just before she had met her sister for the first time on Illium. "Perfect."

"She?" Shepard was confused. "I thought you wouldn't be able to tell from the scan."

"I can't," Miranda smiled as she intertwined her fingers with his own. "But I just know it's a little girl."

He looked back up to the screen, eyes analysing the grey shape. "It just looks like a blob at the moment."

"The baby is in the very early stages of development, it will not have many distinctive features at the moment," Walters pointed at the screen with his free hand. "But you can see things beginning to develop. Look here, that's the head in the earliest of stages," Shepard peered slightly closer, there was indeed a second round shape where his finger was, it was very faint but it was there. "And the limbs will begin to form soon, and here will be the internal organs."

"It'll happen quickly John, next time we're here you'll see," Miranda smiled. "And it's not just a blob, it's our blob."

"Yeah, it is."

The rest of the examination was rather quick, a check of Miranda's vitals and a short conversation about how she had been feeling recently. Then the two of them began to talk about other, unrelated conditions and scientific projects, and Shepard could not follow either of them. Instead he amused himself by studying the print out of the scan, trying to discover all of the small features in the silhouette of the baby and work out where all of the limbs and organs would form. He knew that he was probably coming up with all the wrong results, but he enjoyed himself nevertheless. He was so engrossed in his task that he didn't realise he was being spoken too.

"Earth to John?"

"Hmm, what now?" He looked up at them.

"I was just going to go for a look around their research labs with the doctor," Her eyes flashed with excitement. "If I'm to work with the people here I need to know what equipment they have."

"Right," Suddenly he remembered the mornings events. He had thought to seek out Dr Michel for some help, though he hadn't known how to do that without Miranda. Now he had a chance without having to lie outright to her. "Well I would just get in the way, what if I wait for you downstairs? I was thinking of going to find someone anyway."

Miranda scrutinised him for a couple of seconds, giving him that familiar analysis. Then she nodded. "OK, I'll meet you in the reception when we're both done."

With that he thanked the doctor, gave Miranda a quick kiss, and headed downstairs to the public areas of the hospital. He managed to get by without being stopped, though he did receive many inquisitive stares and heard his name being whispered several times. He took a right turn down a quiet corridor that he knew headed to the rear lifts, but he was stopped by the sound of a familiar British accent.

"Commander Shepard?"

He turned at the sound of the familiar voice, giving it's smiling owner a smile in return. "Dr Chakwas, how are you?"

"I'm fine thank you." She crossed her arms, still smiling.

Shepard gave her a curious look. "How come you're here and not on the Normandy?"

"I've taken a six month off period, I had an offer from Alliance command," His cocked head prompted her to continue. "So many field medics were lost in the war that they desperately need young officers trained in more advanced techniques. I have been in a teaching post here, though I will return to the Normandy in about a month."

"That sounds great doctor."

"It is," She smiled. "And why are you here? Is there something I can help you with?"

He paused, he had been planning to see Dr Michel but he did know Dr Chakwas better. And she knew what he had been through. Maybe she could help him."Yes actually, do you have some time?"

"I have a class in ten minutes, but I am free till then," Karen cocked her head. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes...well...sort of," He struggled for the right words. "I...do need some help...if you wouldn't mind."

"Of course," Her gaze changed to one of concern, though she tried not to show it. "Come to my office."

He followed the doctor to her office nearby, taking a seat opposite her desk as Chakwas closed the blinds to give them some privacy. Then she took her own seat behind the desk, giving him her kind smile.

"What can I do for you?"

"Well, you can't tell anyone about this."

Now serious concern flashed across Chakwas' face, though she nodded slowly. "OK then, though this sounds serious."

"Right, well first of all..." Shepard couldn't help but smile at this point. "Miranda's pregnant."

"Really? Congratulations Shepard!" A wide smile was on her face as well, but it was replaced by a frown. "Is that not a good thing?"

"Oh it's absolutely fantastic," His smile immediately vanished. "The problem isn't her though, it's me."

The doctor nodded for him to continue.

"I've been having...dreams. For a while now, I had them throughout the war as well, but they've gotten considerably worse since the end of the war."

"I see."

"But then they got better, after Christmas I was barely having any at all," He looked down at his feet. "And now they've come back, I've been having them almost nightly for the last few weeks."

"Liara mentioned that you weren't sleeping well," Chakwas brought a hand to her chin to stroke it slowly. "And it isn't surprising that this is occurring."

"Do you...do you have anything I could take?" Shepard couldn't look at her as he asked, he felt far too ashamed of his inability to cope to do that. "Tablets or something. Just to help me sleep, you know?"

At first Chakwas said nothing, a sad smile forming on her face. Then she reached down, looking into a draw on her side of the desk. At first Shepard thought she was just going to give him some tablets, but he was surprised when she pulled out a data-pad, pressing some buttons to pull up a table before giving it to him. It was a database of people. He looked back at the doctor.

"What is this?"

"A table of people, several thousand people. A mixture of civilians and military personnel."

"I don't mean to be rude but I can see that," He scrolled down the list idly. "What is it for?"

"All of the people on that list have some things in common, but all of them share two key facts," She shook her head sadly before continuing. "Firstly, every single one of them has committed suicide."

Shepard's eyes shot back to the table, and he realised what he had missed. The far right column contained the information of how the person had died, a mixture of hangings, shootings, and overdoses. He brought his eyes slowly back up to meet hers.

"I would never do that, I couldn't do it," Shepard placed it back on the desk. "I just want something to help me to sleep, not to top myself! How could you think I would leave Miranda? Especially now."

"Shepard I don't mean that at all, remember I said – there were two things in common," Chakwas placed a hand on top of Shepard's on the desk. "None of these people had anything left in their lives. All of their families were killed in the war, their friends too. Their homes and businesses are gone, there was nothing left for them in their eyes."

"This is..." He shook his head sadly as he scrolled through the list of thousands. One entry stopped him – Lucy Jones, Human, Female, 14 years of age, Presumed to be refugee on the Citadel, No known family, Found dead after overdosing on prescription sleeping pills. He looked up again. "This one was fourteen."

"It's horrific isn't it?" Chakwas took the data-pad from him, placing it back in her desk. "And this is just one ward in one hospital on the Citadel. Now imagine what it's gonna be like across the entire galaxy. And we're also predicting there's gonna be an explosion in liver disease in about a decade, there are countless others losing themselves in drink."

"And I'm sitting here complaining that I can't sleep," Now Shepard really did feel awful, guilty even. Where others had lost everything, where others had nothing left, he had gotten off comparatively lightly. He had a loving partner, a family on the way, friends, and a home. "How selfish is that?"

"To be fair to you, you have been through an awful lot yourself. And I'm not trying to make you feel guilty at all, that's not what I'm getting at."

Shepard didn't reply.

"We humans are sociable creatures, and we work through our problems best when sharing them with others," She leaned back in her chair. "You have people around you who will only want to help, let them. Especially Miranda, you two have something really unique together. She will only want to help you."

"I know, she tried before."

"And?"

"It did help for a time," He sighed. "But I don't want to put extra pressure on her."

"I think Miranda Lawson can handle you as well as a pregnancy," Chakwas gave him a knowing look. "But if you insist then there are others, Garrus, Liara, Tali, and I'm always here for you."

"I know," He slowly looked up at her, only managing a meek look. "It was a stupid thing to ask for."

"No it wasn't, you thought it would help. But pills would only mask the problem, never solve it," She stopped as the bleeping noise of a pager came from her omni-tool. Chakwas glanced at it before standing up. "I'm sorry but I have to go. Think on what I've said Shepard."

"I will." As she gave him a light hug he couldn't help but add his own thoughts. But it still won't help me.

XXXXXXXX

Shepard was engrossed in a rather good book. It wasn't his usual sort of read, but Miranda had recommended it to him a while back. Now he found himself obsessing over the fantasy world of Tolkien, reading through everything single instalment of Middle Earth. Now he was near the end of Frodo's epic journey in The Lord Of The Rings, coming to the climax of the gripping story. Miranda said that he would like it as he could draw parallels from the struggle of the powers of good against the overwhelming powers of evil in the book to his own life. John reckoned he liked it because it was a good read.

He was disturbed from the world of fantasy by a clicking sound, Miranda's boots he recognised. Not her old, thigh high, black ones but her newer, shin high brown boots. They suited her just as well though, and Shepard reckoned they were probably an awful lot more comfortable. But as he looked up to her he didn't see a smile on her face as he expected, but narrowed eyes and a bit of a scowl. Before he could say anything she spoke first, in an rather aggressive tone.

"Sleeping pills?" She glared at him.

"Oh great," He placed a bookmark in the book and tossed it down onto the table. It irked him that Chakwas had informed Miranda, and he let that show in his sarcastic tone."I see that patient confidentiality doesn't exist any more then."

"Patient confidentiality doesn't apply if the safety and health of the patient is in jeopardy," Miranda crossed her arms, throwing her weight on one hip. "In other words you worried her earlier, and to be honest I'm concerned for your health too."

"My health?" He scoffed, letting his anger get the better of him and snapping at her. "So you guys reckon I'm mental now? That I'm ill in the head?"

"Don't be childish John," She walked over to the sofa and sat down next to him. She changed her tone to a gentler one. "I'm worried about you, really worried."

"Well you shouldn't be," His anger subsided at her change of voice, he really hadn't meant to have been so aggressive. "Sorry, I shouldn't of snapped."

"No you shouldn't of, I'm only trying to help you."

"You shouldn't have to," He shook his head. "You have more important things now."

"Is that what you think?"Miranda gently placed a hand on his leg. "John you are my priority, no matter what else is going on."

"I just don't know what's going on now, where I'm at," Shepard stood up suddenly, putting some distance between himself and Miranda. He felt feelings long buried well up inside of him, the events of the last few years mingling with all of his dreams. He couldn't take it any more, John didn't want to deal with his past. He wanted the shadow of the Reapers gone forever, yet here they were – ruling and ruining what was supposed to be a happy time in his life. And he was letting them do this. "It was getting better, we were sorting it, and then the last few weeks have been awful again. Every night for a month I've woken you up, and you really don't need that or the worry. And I'm scared to go to bed sometimes, scared of what I'll see happen," He knew he was beginning to ramble, but the words kept on spilling out. "But in the day I'm happier than ever, I genuinely am. But that's marred by all of this. And now I feel guilty because I got through the war with almost everything I wanted, yet there are fourteen year old kids killing themselves because they have nothing left. I'm just being weak and pathetic."

And then he couldn't hold it in any longer. His emotions were exposed and raw and a single tear trickled down his face slowly. He had to take deep breaths to stop himself from completely breaking down. John slowly sunk down into an armchair, placing his head in his hands. He heard movement next to him before feeling a weight upon his lap. Miranda positioned herself in his lap, and he let her take control of his body. She removed his hands from his face and placed them around her, positioning one on her stomach. Then she cupped his cheek, forcing him to look into her eyes.

"You are not weak. You are not pathetic," She rubbed his cheek smoothly. "And truth be told I've been waiting for this moment to happen for a long while."

"Why?" He could only manage a hoarse whisper in reply.

"Because you've been bottling up all of this emotion, all of this feeling for so long. You've told me about your dreams but never the emotions behind them. I thought this was going to happen after the Collector Base, it almost happened the night of the party before Chronos Station," Miranda spoke softly. "But you haven't had free time like this for so many years, when was the last time you weren't being pushed towards some goal or objective?"

He shrugged.

"Well I reckon it was just after Akuze, ten years ago John," She rested her forehead against his own, still stroking his stubble. "Since then you've gone through N7 training, chasing Saren, the war, hell your own death! You were meant to have at least a month with myself and the Lazarus team to get you over that, instead you were thrown head first into the mission."

He nodded.

"This is natural, it's not a sign of weakness. Everything is catching up with you now because you aren't being forced towards something, and your mind is trying to process it all in one go," Miranda gave him a slow kiss on the lips, running one arm around his neck whilst placing the other on his hand that was still across her stomach. "But you can't do this alone, it's just too much. Let me in, trust me, I can help you if you let me."

"I tried before."

"And it helped didn't it?" He nodded his assent. "I can't use my biotics during pregnancy, but there's plenty of other things I can do. You can confide in me, we can talk, we can spend time just like this – holding one another and being close. God, you can just give me a rough fuck to get it out of your system if it helps you."

Shepard's eyes shot upwards, locking with hers. It wasn't often that she used language like that, and he didn't like her implications. "I'm not going to use you like that."

"Hey, I get awesome pleasure out of it so it isn't a problem," She gave him a grin which turned into a kind smile. "I just want to help."

"I know, it's just..." He dropped his head again. "I really thought we had cracked it."

"These things don't just go away, they can come back when you least expect it." Miranda shifted slightly, leaning back into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her more tightly, bringing her as close to his body as he could.

"I'll try again," Shepard still found himself speaking softly, but he meant what he said. "For you."

"You know, there's no shame in failing something the first time around," She turned her head, glancing up at him. "And it was you who taught me that."

A/N I actually really enjoyed writing this chapter, though it was challenging trying to get the reasoning and emotions across – hopefully I've done that.

Thanks for all of your response so far guys, as ever I always want to know what you think.