Chapter 154
-0-Later that night
He crept in, glancing in the direction of Orion's crib. Then he walked to the berth, bumping into the table and off the edge of the berth. Ironhide who was watching Ratchet with night vision grinned. "Get over here, you slagger."
Ratchet grinned back. "Where are you, you big oaf?"
"Here," Ironhide said gripping Ratchet's backside to pull him down onto the couch. They sat together, untangling arms and legs. Then it was quiet.
"What are you doing on the couch?"
"I was waiting for you."
"Really, Ironhide? How thoughtful. You don't have a shift tomorrow."
"No."
"No wonder."
[Pause]
"You know, Ratchet … we haven't fragged in a while."
"We haven't. You wanna?"
"I do." [huge grin]
"Oh."
[Pause]
"I was thinking about you flat on your aft and me making noises on top. You look real good, Ratchet, lying on your aft. I can almost see myself in your chevron it's so shiny."
"Is that so?" [smirk]
"Sure." [grin]
"I was sort of thinking about you sitting in that chair over there somewhere and me sitting on top of you making my own noises, Ironhide. Discreet noises. Can't wake up the sparkling."
[Pause]
"That might be fun but I think it would be more fun with you laying on that table there and me on top."
"How about you under the table and me riding you, Ironhide, like a motorcycle?"
[Pause] [Shift]
"What are you doing, Ironhide?"
"Makin' my move."
"Is that what this is?"
[Shift. Move. Move. Lay. Crunch]
"You just broke my backside."
"Are you okay, Ratchet?"
"Probably. But really, Ironhide, this couch is too small and you're just too big. How about you moving … this part … and then I move over a bit and then you do this … CRONK!"
[Pause]
"What happened?"
"Ratchet, I think I broke my backside this time."
"Ah. Want me to kiss it?" [grin]
"Not a bad idea." [grin]
[Move. Sit up. Shift. Shift. Sit.]
"That was fun."
"Ratchet … how about you and me trying something else. How about you and me on the floor, you upside down and me right side up."
"You've been on the internet again, Ironhide."
[Pause]
"No. I just saw an ad."
"An ad?"
"Yeah. Two mannequins were posed that way and it sorta stuck in my processor."
"Is that so. So you want to frag a mannequin."
[Pause]
"No. I just want to put a little variety into the old berth, that's all, Ratchet."
[Pause]
"Not that we need any variety you know."
[Pause]
"Being as you're my Only One and such a sexy … uh, sexy doctor and all …"
"I love it when you crawl, Ironhide."
"I know you do, you fragger. How about moving your elbow. It's in my privates."
"Is that what that is? I haven't seen your privates in so long, Ironhide, that I forgot that part of your body was there."
"Been a while. Probably needs a dustin'. How about you dust it for me, Ratchet? A little servos on action." [leer] [Which doesn't count because Ratchet doesn't have night vision on]
"Servos on. I love it when you beg. You're so cute."
"I am. My uh, my little buddy needs some love."
"Orion's sound asleep. I think it can wait."
"Ha-ha, Ratchet. Not that little buddy." [Takes servo and plants it on his other little buddy] "This one."
"Ah, your little trap door. Is it rusted shut? Maybe I can get some WD-40 and a buffer. Or maybe I can use a chamois."
"How about your glossae? Nothing like the personal touch."
[Shift. Move. Kneel. Ping! Slide. Silence. Kissing sounds]
"You mean like this?"
[optics roll around even as he can't see a damned thing] "I don't know, Ratchet. I can't see a slaggin' thing."
"Well then, I guess that's no good." [Rises. Sits]
"What are you doing back here? My buddy is down there."
"You said you can't see."
"I don't have to see, Ratchet. It's all right if I don't see."
"But I can't see either."
[Pause]
"You really are a fraggin' slagger."
[grin] "Ah, Ironhide. You say the nicest things."
[Pause]
"I still need a good frag and so do you."
"How about we do it with some danger? How about you and me do it on Prime's desk?"
"He'd have my bearings, Ratchet."
"There's always Wheeljack's closet. I do remember you spent a bit of time in there a while back."
"You would, too, if a crazy fragger was after your codpiece all the time."
"So … you hated fraggin' then but you want to frag now?"
"No, I didn't hate fraggin' then." [Pause] "Well, maybe a little. You put a lot of pressure on a mech."
"I did. I wanted a sparkling. That sparkling over there. I wanted it now and not when you decided, you big slagger. If I'd waited for you, Ironhide, I'd still be waiting."
"True. Didn't feel it was safe. Not for a sparkling. Not for you."
[Lean] "Ah, you're so sweet."
"Didn't do me a bit of good. Still did what you wanted."
"I can't help it if you're a big wussy."
[Pause. Check through slang language files. Grin] "So I'm a wussy now."
"You wouldn't have the sparkling. You wanted all the fun and I got to scream my head off."
"Looked like it hurt."
"It did. I remember seeing a comedian talking about how she was getting all the pain and her husband was just standing there. She thought it would be equal if he was on the gurney next to her getting a wax."
[Pause. Checking relevant files] "Ouch."
"I think so."
[Pause]
"How do you want to frag, Ratchet?"
"Well … how about on the berth?"
"Good idea."
[Rise. Walk, bump table, find berth, crash down together and start to make out]
"Your knee is in my crotch."
"I know."
"But not in a good way, Ironhide."
"Oh. How's that?"
"Better."
[Sounds of passion for a moment or two]
"Did you hear anything?"
"That's the sound of love, ba-bee."
"Is that what that was? I thought it was Orion, Ironhide."
[Pause. Both listen. Baby rustles. Baby settles. Silence reigns. Snoggling begins again]
"Oh, Ironhide. You're so hot."
"I'll try to vent it, Ratchet."
"No. Hot means handsome, doable. Sexy."
"Oh. Well, you're pretty hot yourself."
"Ironhide? You're the cutest mech I ever met."
"You aren't so bad yourself, Ratchet."
"I know."
[Snickers. Sounds of love and passion continue. Groans grow, moans grow, sound of the berth creaking, sounds of Ironhide revving, sounds of the intercom beeping]
"Med Bay to Ratchet."
[Pause]
"WHAT THE FRAG DO YOU WANT, YOU SLAGGERS!"
[Pause]
"Ironhide, let me answer them."
"Alright."
"WHAT THE FRAG DO YOU WANT, YOU SLAGGERS!"
[Pause]
"Uh … we have a bent … someone ... that is, they … we need you, Ratchet."
[Pause]
"I hate them."
[Pause]
"ON MY WAY!"
[Silence. Venting]
"I have to go, Ironhide."
"I Know."
"I don't want to."
"I know."
"I'll be back."
"I know."
"What else do you know, Ironhide?" [grin]
"That we're not going to frag, slag it."
"You're a mind reader."
[Move. Climb. Slither over. Fall on floor. Lay there seething. Rise up and stagger to the door. Pause. Look at the general direction of the berth] "Be back soon."
"No you won't."
"I know. Love ya, Ironhide."
"Love ya more, Ratchet."
[Door opens and white aft slagger leaves. The room feels colder and darker. Big shadow rises to walk to crib. Takes out tiny bundle and walks carefully back to the berth. Settles in, sets proximity sensors and alarms, then settles in. Grins] "Your old ada is the best old mech I ever knew."
[Infant on lines optics and looks at old dad. Grins. Then goes back to recharge. And after a while so does Ironhide]