The next morning, Noah woke up in the hospital with a sore throat. Once his eyes adjusted to the light in the room, he saw that he was hooked up to an intravenous drip. He pressed the call button to bring a nurse into the room.
"Ah, Mr. Mayer, you're awake." said the nurse as she walked into the room. "I'll call the doctor to have him come visit you. Do you need anything before I leave?"
"Some water." Noah whispered in a scratchy voice.
"I'll get you some ice chips. If you're going to start chemotherapy today, you might want to hold off on the liquids just till you know how you will react," warned the nurse. "The intravenous drip will keep you hydrated and I'll be right back with some ice chips."
When she came back in, she was carrying a box with her in one arm and a cup of ice chips in the other. "This was dropped off for you, while you were sleeping," said the nurse as she placed the package and ice chips on Noah's tray table.
Noah took an ice chip and then opened the box. Inside was a note from Sam. "Noah, here is your camera and a stack of DVD's. I put it all together with two extra charged battery packs and extra batteries for the remote. I hope you can convey what you want. It may be hard for you being sick but if you're like every other serious wannabe director, you will have the strength even during an illness to do the best you can for your film." Noah smiled.
Noah took out the camera and played with it a few minutes, while looking over the instructions. "Sweet" he thought, as he looked at the remote and the instructions. He took a few practice shots and everything seemed to be working fine. He erased the memory and placed the camera on the tray and set it up.
-P-
Noah was just about ready to tape a video when Bob and Joe walked in the door.
"Good, you're awake." said Joe. "How are you feeling this morning?" inquired both doctors while checking Noah's vitals.
"I'm a bit tired still but my throat is sore, what happened yesterday?" Noah croaked out because of his sore throat.
"You had a reaction to the chemo we gave you yesterday," said Joe. "We had to put a breathing tube down your throat because your esophagus was closing up. Everything is back to normal, so we want to try another chemotherapy mix."
"Let's do it." said Noah. "The faster we finish this, the quicker I can get on with my life."
"That's thinking positive." voiced Bob. "What's the camera for?"
"Well, since I can't make my film in Los Angeles, I'm going to journal my treatments, along with my feelings about family and such and try to come up with something worth making into a short film."
"You've had an exciting life so far, especially since you've gotten to Oakdale." Bob thought about every time Luke and Noah ended up here in the hospital.
"I plan to use all that in my film. Basically, it's a documentary slash self-psychotherapy film about how my past screwed up my present and such. I hope it's interesting. I have a lot to share about the colonel and Luke. Anyway, it should keep my mind busy on something other than being sick, I hope." said Noah.
"Sounds good." replied Joe. "Let's get this started."
They started the water down drip and a few minutes later, Noah still seemed to be fine. Bob left but Joe stayed with Noah for almost an hour talking about the cubs.
"Well, it's been about an hour and still no reaction from this water downed chemotherapy, so we should be safe to give it to you full strength. Are you ready?"
"Let's do it."
"You will feel a burning sensation in your vein. That is normal and unfortunately there isn't much we can do for it but you should get somewhat used to it. Here it comes." Joe unclamped the chemotherapy and Noah's first chemotherapy treatment started. Joe stayed in Noah's room for the first half hour of the chemotherapy session and they continued their chat.
"I'll have a nurse come in to sit with you for about an hour. Then someone will be by every few minutes after that. Just give them the thumbs up when she's at the door and she will know you are okay. That way you won't get sick of telling her." Joe said laughing. "lf you need anything, just ask and they will get it for you. Don't eat anything other than a few crackers, until you know how you're going to handle chemotherapy because anything you eat or drink may come back up."
The nurse sat with Noah for about an hour. Noah liked her company because she liked old movies. Noah was already feeling woozy and a bit nauseated from the chemotherapy. His symptoms were normal and the nurse put a little container on a chair next to Noah's bed to throw up into, if he needed. Noah was thrilled by the prospects.
-P-
"Hi, Noah." said Casey as he walked through the door about an hour after the nurse left.
"Hey, Casey, how are you?" He was happy to see his friend.
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"
"I'm getting chemotherapy now. I can't wait to start throwing up." Noah was faking excitement.
"I bet. Just don't hurl my way."
"I'll try not to but I can't make any promises." Noah laughed. "It's making me tired already."
"That sucks. Hey, what's this?" He pointed at the camera.
"I'm going to be documenting my treatment for a possible film, instead of the one I was going to do in Los Angeles."
"Cool, let's try it." Casey grabbed the camera and turned it on and pointed it towards Noah. Noah could see himself on the front viewer.
"Sure, why not. It will be a good test. I'm bored anyway."
"You have a television to watch."
"Have you ever tried to watch a soap opera? They suck." said Noah. "There's one called As The World Turns. Except for the gay characters everyone sucks but the funny thing is that the gay characters don't suck." Noah started laughing and Casey joined in.
"Well, today is my first day of chemotherapy." said Noah. He pointed towards the bottle holding it. "This is the chemotherapy and this is where it goes into my body." as he pulled down his gown.
Casey whistled at the exposed skin, causing Noah to laugh. "I didn't know it was going to be a skin flick." Noah rolled his eyes.
"How are you feeling?" asked Casey.
"Well, I'm getting tired and I'm starting to feel nauseated already. They've given me something for it but I don't think it's working. Look at this small container they gave me. One spew and it's probably filled." Noah could only laugh.
"Nice visual. Are you trying to make everyone spew with you?"
"Well, if I have to, shouldn't everyone?" He chuckled.
"What were you thinking about when I walked in?"
"I was thinking about how my life sucks at the moment." Noah said with a lot of bitterness in his voice.
Casey noticed a change in Noah. He seemed to have been zapped of all his energy in like seconds.
"Luke and I were getting along just fine about a year ago. He was working on gay rights and we had our own place together. We were happy. Then Mason came along and everything went to shit. I had the accident and went blind. I started to blame Luke for everything, boy, if I had known then what I know now, things would have been different." sighed Noah.
Noah continued to look even more tired and seemed to be turning green around the gills as the side effects of the chemotherapy reared its ugly reminder of itself. It spilled out of the little bucket, all over the place.
"And here's the action." Casey cringed. "Man, that's gross."
Noah looked straight into the camera after he stopped throwing up. "I just feel so bad Casey."
"About what?" Casey wasn't sure what Noah was referring to.
"When you have someone you love, don't throw it away. Don't be stupid like I was. I needed to figure out how to handle being blind but I didn't want… don't take the chance that the one you love will fall for someone else. Think about what you're doing every day, so you won't end up like me. I'm alone. I have leukemia. I have nobody to love. No family and no one to take care of me. My whole life has been one fuck up after another. Maybe I should just not even try…" Noah broke down crying. He was unable to continue. The crying was too much for Noah to handle in his weakened state and he drifted off to sleep.
Casey turned off the camera as he watched Noah cry himself to sleep. "How could Noah not want to fight this?" Casey thought to himself. He walked out into the hallway with the camera and sat on a bench and cried for his friend. He then got up to find his grandfather.
"I was with Noah and all of a sudden he went from being virtually fine to hurling and being depressed. Is that normal?" Casey asked Bob.
"It can be. Chemotherapy can zap the energy level from your body pretty quick in some patients," replied Bob.
"You need to look at this." Casey told his grandfather.
Neither Bob nor Casey saw Reid come up behind them as they watched the video.
"Getting sick this fast isn't unusual but his emotional state is troubling. He was so positive when he was telling me and Dr. Barnes about his film. He's only just started his treatments and if he gives up now he'll never survive." Bob sounded worried.
"Noah really has leukemia?" Reid asked with surprise.
"Were you listening to our conversation?" Casey asked with venom in his voice.
"I overheard as I walked up." Reid acted innocent.
"You will tell no one of this. Do I make myself clear?" Bob demanded.
"What can I do to help Noah?"
"Just stay away from Noah. He doesn't have anything left that you can take from him. And don't you dare tell Luke that Noah is sick." Casey walked away leaving Bob and Reid in shock at his anger, to return to Noah's room.
Bob gave Reid a stern look and walked away, leaving Reid standing there, only slightly embarrassed.
-P-
Reid usually didn't listen to many people and as soon as Casey left Noah's room, Reid went right in.
Noah had just finished throwing up again when he saw Reid walk in the door.
"What do you want?" asked Noah as he turned on his video camera quickly.
"I just wanted to see how you were doing? You look terrible."
"You want to know how I'm doing?" Noah laughed.
"Noah, I wish you would stop…"
"Stop what? When you admit that you intentionally came in between Luke and I, then maybe I will stop referring to you as a jerk."
"Okay, fine. I intentionally tried to keep you apart so I could have Luke for myself. I used your problems with Luke to benefit myself. Are you happy now?"
"No. But I appreciate you finally being honest." Noah was grinning on the inside; he knew the camera was on.
"Whether or not you believe me, I do care. Luke is going to feel really bad for yelling at you. I'd like to bring him here to show him that you're sick."
"Hell, no," yelled Noah.
"Noah, he…"
"Why is everything about Luke?" Noah asked. "I'm lying here possibly dying and it's all about what Luke wants. Just like being blind was all about Luke and his feelings. Well what the fuck about mine?"
"Noah…"
"No. I told him I was diagnosed with leukemia and he laughed at me...Even after he dumped me, I never tried to make him feel bad about leaving me or kissing you. I never made him feel guilty or less than human and during that one conversation that we were trying to have, he made me feel lower than dirt."
"Noah, I think Luke was…"
"Not now, Dr. Oliver," warned Noah as he started throwing up again.
Reid waited till Noah stopped vomiting. "I didn't come here to fight, Noah. I only wanted to check on you and to tell you that I don't think Luke meant to hurt you."
Noah laughed. "You don't think? I know you think everything in my relationship with Luke is my fault but it's not. Have you been kidnapped because of Luke? Or how about getting shot? Or how about being blamed because he rigged an election? Or him jealous and drunk when he tried to make out with his new grandfather? Or witnessed him hitting Mason because he was jealous? Have you even met the impulsive Luke yet? No, you haven't, so don't you dare even try to tell me anything about Luke because I was with him for almost three years. You've been with him for all of ten seconds."
"I understand. Shutting him out isn't going to help you get better. You will need all the support you can get."
"I'm not shutting him out. I made that mistake once and I'll never make it again. I don't want to see him right now because the last time I talked with Luke, I passed out in Java's parking lot." Noah yawned. He was exhausted from arguing with Reid.
"What?" Reid was surprised.
"Ali found me passed out in Java's parking lot. It took me an hour to come to. I've been here since I told Luke."
"What's with all the shouting?" asked Lucinda as she walked into the room.
"I'll leave you two alone. Just think about it, Noah, please. God, I hate this being human shit. Get some rest." Reid walked out the door.
"What was all that about?"
"He wanted to bring Luke by, I told him no."
"I think you should tell the family."
"I tried to tell Luke, he just laughed in my face. That's what Dr. Shithead wanted to talk to me about."
"Noah, I'm sure he didn't mean it," replied Lucinda, not believing her grandson could be so cruel.
"Yes, he meant it. He's made it clear to me that he doesn't want to be with me. You can tell the family but I don't want anyone telling Luke that I'm sick." Noah threw up again.
"I knew I could talk you into it." She smiled and left the room to make a phone call. Noah rolled his eyes.
-P-
After Lucinda had left, Noah turned on the camera.
"I suppose I should start at the beginning. I grew up with a colonel father who led me to believe pretty much my entire life that my mother was dead. We moved around all the time. I had virtually no friends until I came here to Oakdale." started Noah.
Noah was so engrossed in what he was saying that he didn't even hear Lucinda walk back into the room.
"The bastard used to lock me in closets when I wasn't the perfect son. I remember being six years old and bringing home less than perfect report card for which I got locked in the closet by my ever perfect father. 'Stupid boys don't get into the marines' he used to say to me. When I was eight, I got in trouble in school on a Friday and I was in the closet the entire weekend. I had to do my homework with a flashlight and when the batteries ran out, I had to beg him for new ones. All I got was bread and water that weekend, like I was some sort of criminal." Noah said looking into the camera, as tears were rolling down his face.
"What did it feel like being locked up in the closet?" asked Lucinda quietly.
"I was lonely and scared. I was only a small boy at the time. I didn't really know why I was in there but I knew it was because dad was unhappy with me. I tried to please him but I never could." Noah spoke softly through his tears. "That's why I had such a bad reaction to going blind. The darkness of being blind reminded me of being in that closet as a kid. I could never get that image out of my head the whole time I couldn't see. It was like I was six years old again."
Noah continued after his tears stopped, "I had to learn a whole new way of life. I had to navigate my way in the world without using my eyes. I would never be able to make a movie. How would I make money to support myself? I was in twenty-four hour panic mode that I just couldn't get out of. My whole way of life changed in one flash but the worst thing was that I would never be able to look into Luke's eyes."
"Luke's eyes?"
"Yes, Luke's eyes. Whenever I would look into his eyes, I would get lost in them and all my fears seemed to disappear. It was almost a drug to me. When I couldn't look into them anymore, I went into withdrawal. I just kept thinking that I'll never again be able to look into the eyes of the man I loved. I couldn't handle it and the more I tried, the angrier I got. I took my anger out on the wrong person."
"Sometimes we do that, Noah. We don't intend to but it happens."
"I know everyone thinks I'm to blame for everything and they might be right about a lot of it but Luke can be a very difficult at times. Not everything was my fault."
"I know that dear. We all do."
Noah shut off the camera. Noah was extremely tired and couldn't go on.
"Well, that was a good start. I've alerted the family and I'm going to have a meeting with them in an hour at the farm."
"It's like the godfather." Noah laughed. "Thank you for caring about me, Lucinda. I know you don't have to."
"Of course I do, you silly boy. You are part of my family whether you like it or not. I'll be back, get some rest. You're looking tired."
Noah yawned at the exact moment she finished speaking. "I think that is a good idea." He laid back on his pillow. Lucinda gave him a kiss and headed to the farm.