S.M. owns all things Twilight.
I would like to thank all the people that has taken the time to read, review and add my story to their fav lists. I really appreciate it.
I would also like to personally say a thank you to Andi31 and bnjwl. You guys know why I'm thanking you and know that I love you guys lots! Both of them have really amazing stories as well and I beg you all to go check them out!
This chapter is not fluffy nor is it anything relating to happy. Some of the material might upset some of you and I'm sorry for that. Please consider yourself warned.
'Why me?' seemed to be the never ending phrase that ran through my head that night and most of the following day. Hell if I am being honest with myself it was like my own personal theme for just over two years. Charlie never could understand why I was so depressed when I found out about the baby. Although that all changed a little over a year later when things started to come out about Jake and how our relationship really was. I'm getting head of myself again so let's go back to shortly after I found out I was pregnant.
2 months after the hospital visit….
It's been two months since the news and I'm still having problems dealing with it. I have thought about every possible way to either end the pregnancy or my life. Either way at this point it wouldn't much matter which option it was. I know that sounds horrible and uncaring but I really can't find myself giving a shit right now. I have been stuck living with Jake for just over a month and a half now and it has been pure hell. If I thought he was a controlling asshole before I was stuck living with him, then it was nothing but peaceful and easy compared to now. I have been hit and called every name in the book almost every day now. These little episodes are what he likes to call my 'punishment' for my misbehavior. If I don't call him every time I leave the apartment and when I get home I get in trouble and 'punished' and if he thinks it takes me too long to get the errands finished up I get into trouble and 'punished'. Let's not forget what happens when he thinks I'm flirting with someone or if I simply look to long at another male. I am sure by now that you can draw a pretty good picture as to how things are.
Then there are the nights when he wants sex. Those are the nights that really get me thinking about how to end my life. Jake forces himself on me at least four nights a week. You would think that carrying his child would at least give me some reprieve and better treatment. All it seems to have done is made him worse. I have only fought back once and trust me when I say that I learned my lesson the hard way with that one. I realize that you would think I would welcome him beating me to death but I'm not looking for a painful end here. I figure since I have to live in pain now, I at least want to leave this earth in peace and pain free.
As I am sitting here thinking of all that has gone wrong in my life I happen to look over at the clock on the wall and realize that I only have an hour till the bastard comes home and I haven't even started to figure out dinner yet. Heaven forbid should there not be any food on the table when Satan comes home from work.
I get up off the couch and make my way towards the kitchen and feel a little flutter in my stomach. At first I just thought it was nerves but when it happened again I knew it had to have been the baby moving. I thought for sure when I first felt it I would at least feel a little something for the child I am carrying. Instead of feeling happiness I just ended up feeling even more depressed and upset because it was the first sign that this isn't a nightmare and it really is my life.
After I got over my little 'feel sorry for me moment' I continued looking through the kitchen cabinets until I found some boxed macaroni and cheese and decided that was going to be what I fixed. It happened to be one of the few things I was able to keep down and luckily it is also one of the jackass's favorites.
I was putting Jake's bowl on the table when the 'Prince of Darkness' decided to storm into the apartment.
"Bella! Where the hell are you at, and why the hell did I just hear from Leah that you fucking went out this morning? Didn't I tell you NOT to leave this apartment or are you just as fucking deaf as you are stupid!"
Oh shit! That fucking bitch! I knew she would rat me out the second she could. It wouldn't have surprised me any to find out that she blurted it out while the damn dog plowed her from behind. If she thought I didn't know that she was fucking Jake she was seriously as moronic as he was. I just wish that if she is what he wanted he would just leave me and take this kid I am carrying and go be with her and let me get back to my original life plan.
"I'm sorry Jake, I know that you said not to leave but I had a craving for an egg and cheese bagel this morning and I didn't think you would mind since it was for the baby."
There I'll play the baby card and pray that it works this time. I really didn't feel like hiding another bruise from Charlie when I go see him tomorrow to clean the house and do his laundry for him.
"Since you know you screwed up and appear to be sorry for it I will let it slide this time, but don't think for one second you stupid little bitch that I will allow it a second time." Jake snarled at me as he walked past.
I let out the breath that I was holding and followed after him like the lost little puppy I have apparently become. The old me would have told him to go fuck off but unfortunately the new me just keeps the smartass comments and attitude locked up inside my head to prevent getting my ass kicked even more then what I do now.
Jake sits down at the table and started to dig in like it's the first meal he has eaten in weeks.
"At least you are good for something. This mac&cheese is really good." Well at least I still know how to read the damn instructions on the side of the box. I simply mumble a thank you and continue eating.
We say nothing to each other the rest of dinner and while I'm cleaning up the kitchen he yells from the bedroom for me to join him. I cringe when I hear him. I know what he wants and I really don't want to give it to him. The unfortunate part about this whole situation is that if I don't he will just take it and it will be much worse for me in the end.
I slowly make my way back to the bedroom and find Jake lying naked on our bed.
"Come here baby I need you to take care of this for me." He says while pointing to his erection, which really isn't all that impressive in my opinion. But since I don't have anything to compare it to I just assume it's an ok size.
"Of course Jake, just give me a minute to clean myself up a little and I will do whatever you want." I make my way into the bathroom and lock the door without leaving him much room to argue with me. I figure the more time I can buy myself the better it will be for me.
"Bella hurry up in there or I'm busting the door down and taking what I want!" Jake yells through the door while pounding on it.
"Okay I'm coming out now." I step out the door and I am immediately pushed onto the bed.
"I'm going to fuck you like the dirty little whore you are and you are going to like it."
Jake pushes into me roughly after he says that and starts to pound into me with no care in the world as to whether or not he is hurting me or his devil spawn I'm carrying. This is what it is always like with him, fast pounding, biting and rough grabbing and then he rolls off of me and goes to sleep.
I lay there in bed and for the hundredth time today think of all the ways I can end my life. It used to be that I would dream of elite schools and prestigious careers. I would dream of fancy houses and a husband with Hollywood good looks and heart the size of Texas. I would also think about the perfect children that we would have. It truly is sad that I would rather think about my dream children that I will never have instead of thinking about the one that is growing inside of me.
It's been a few weeks since that night and things haven't really changed. The baby is more active and I have an appointment with my doctor today for a checkup and ultrasound. Jake of course was too busy to accompany me to said appointment, which is fine with me, the less time around him the better.
As I was waiting to get called back I ran through a mental check list as to where some of the marks came from so that I don't screw up and let something slip. They would be forced to call Charlie and that is something that I did not want to deal with. The man has been on cloud nine since everything has happened.
When he found out I was pregnant he demanded Jake and I marry as soon as possible and that he would do whatever he could to make sure that we got the apartment and had a good start on furniture a decent size savings before the baby was born. So that is what my college fund went to. Creating a life with my rapist and father of the child I was carrying. Of course no one knew that except for me and Jake, except he doesn't feel what he has done and what he currently does is wrong.
I have never seen Charlie as happy as what he was the day he forced me to tie myself legally to Jake. You would have thought he was the one pregnant the way he was glowing. He wasn't even upset that his only daughter was knocked up and getting married at the age of eighteen instead of going off to school like she dreamed of doing. He was just thrilled that he was going to be legally able to call Jake his son now. He and Billy just thought this whole situation was fucking perfect and nothing was going to convince them otherwise.
My father's happiness was the leading factor in why I let this continue on. He hasn't been truly happy since my mother Renee died when I was eight. It was my fault that she was out driving that day. If I didn't need that damn book and decided to throw a tantrum until I got said book she would still be with us today. She was the light of his life and he never recovered from the loss. The type of love that they had was the type that I always dreamed of having but will never get now.
"Mrs. Black, are you okay?" I'm brought out of my sullen thoughts when I hear the nurse speaking to me.
"Oh yeah I'm fine. I just got a little lost in my own head there for a moment." I answer her with a small smile on my face. I'm really hoping it conveyed that I was okay and not what I was really feeling. She looked at me for a moment and I seriously thought I was busted there for a minute until she smiled and told me to follow her.
"Okay Bella I need you to step on the scale and then I need to check your blood pressure and get a urine sample before the doctor can see you."
Lovely, this is one of the many reasons I hate coming to these things. I really don't need to see just how fat my ass is getting. I can tell all on my own just be the fact my clothes are no longer fitting.
I step up on the scale and she writes down the number and tells me I gained another three pounds. Well isn't that wonderful, that makes a total of eight pounds so far.
I go and take care of the sample that they need and she checks my blood pressure which is high yet again. Sometimes I just wish I could yell 'Well no shit Sherlock, you come live my life and see how well your damn blood pressure does!' but I simply shrug and keep quiet on the subject.
The nurse leaves the room after she does everything that she can and I wait in blissful silence until the doctor shows up. I only have to wait about ten minutes till the doctor comes in and at that point I think I died and gone to fucking heaven!
The man that walked into the room was not my normal doctor. One he was not a little old lady, that probably should have retired ages ago, and he most defiantly had the whole I'm too charming for my own good thing going on.
He was about 6 foot tall maybe, the body of a runner and hair that was almost platinum in color. He reminded me of what an angel from Heaven might look like.
"Hello Mrs. Black, I'm Dr. Carlisle Cullen and I will be taking over your care. It seems Dr. Wilson has experienced some health issues. I hope this doesn't cause you any discomfort but if it does let me know and I can see if one of the other female doctors can take your file."
Oh God! Not only does he look and sound like and angel he is even caring. By the wedding ring on his finger I can say that his wife is truly one lucky bitch. Once I find my voice I tell him "I'm good."
That's all I can say. That's the best I can do. He is probably going to think I'm a mental patient. He just simply smiles at me and starts to read my chart.
"It says here that you became pregnant in June and now its mid-September so you should be around 4 months now. Is this correct?" He asked politely.
"Yes Dr. Cullen it is." I answer him quietly.
"Okay we can get a more definitive number once we do the ultrasound. Right now I need to go get the nurse so that I can do the internal exam and get swabs before we can get to the part where we can see your beautiful baby okay?"
"Okay." I say with an unemotional voice and a shrug of my shoulder. God can I sound anymore glum and uncaring. He gives me a contemplative look and leaves the room. I really need to take it up a notch if I don't want him asking too many questions. I keep forgetting that most moms are ecstatic and over the moon to be going through this.
We get through the exam with no issues and little to no talking for which I was grateful for. After I am dressed Dr. Cullen and the nurse return with the ultrasound machine.
"Okay Mrs. Black, before we get to this portion of the exam do we need to wait for anyone before we can start?"
I shake my head no and he continues on after giving me a look that screams pity.
"I need you to lie back on the table and pull your shirt up and move or pants down just a little. I'm going to put some jelly on your stomach and just to warn you it will be cold okay?"
"Okay but could you please call me Bella?" I really can't stand to be called by my married name. It just reminds me of the fucking mess my life is now.
Dr. Cullen's smile lights up his face when he answers me. "Of course I can Bella." I really think he is truly happy that I have spoken more than two words to him in that sentence.
Just as I started contemplating that thought I hear a thump… thump… thump… sound fill the room. I start crying at that sound much like I cried when I first felt the baby move. It wasn't a happy cry like it should have been; it was a cry of grief. I was grieving the end of my life. As heartless as that sounds it was how I felt at the moment. I was stuck in my own personal Hell and I was pregnant by Satan himself and that sound was just even more proof of that.
I was brought out of my dark thoughts when Dr. Cullen started talking to me.
"Everything looks fine here. Your just over 15 weeks and it looks like your due date of February 28th is correct. Would you like to know that sex of the baby?"
Would I? I didn't even want the baby so why would I want to know what sex it is. I need to act like the happy mother though so I suck up all the strength I can and look him in the eye with a smile and say "I would love to know Dr. Cullen, I need to know what color to paint the nursery and what kind of name to give to my little miracle." Oh Jesus, I am so going to Hell for the amount of lying I have been doing the past few months. Not to mention that I seriously think I just lied to an actual angel.
He gives me another one of those beaming smiles that tells me my acting is better than I thought "Well Bella, it looks like you are going to be buying pink. Congratulations you're having a girl!"
"A girl" I whisper to myself. Mostly it's to test out the words. I guess at least it won't be a mini-me of Jake. God must have taken some pity on me for all the crap he has put me through lately. I take a moment to actually be happy for a short minute and then I tell Dr. Cullen 'thank you' and start to gather my things to leave.
I schedule my next appointment and make my way to Charlie's house since that is where I was told to go after I was done. Jake informed me last night that I was to fix dinner for him and our fathers tonight since there was some big game that they were going to be watching.
When I get there Jake is already there with Charlie. I sit in the car for a few more minutes gathering myself and preparing to put on the Oscar winning performance that I have been perfecting over the last few months.
"Hey Bells, how did the doctor's appointment go? Is everything good with my grandbaby?" Charlie's excitement for this child is astounding. I may not be happy about this baby but he was going to make the world's best grandpa.
"Everything is going fine Dad. The baby is healthy and my due date is still the end of February. I also found out the sex today." I put on the biggest fake smile I can muster without being obvious. Jake decides to make himself know at this point.
"I'm sorry I couldn't go with you sweetheart I didn't know if I was going to be able to get out of the shop in time and I know how you hate being late. So you found out what our little angel is? Please don't keep us in suspense any longer honey?"
Damn he is one hell of a good liar. Maybe if he could have put Leah down long enough he could have made it, not that I even wanted him there anyway. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows the difference between the truth and the lies that he so easily says.
"Well Jake we are having a girl!" Apparently I am getting just as good as he is because I actually sounded happy there. Must still be a little high from the fact it's not a boy. Jake gets the biggest fake smile I have ever seen him wear and yells out his happiness. Oh that is so not good. He is going to blame me for the baby not being a boy and I'm sure I'm going to be sporting some new marks over this one.
"That's great Bella! A little princess, just like you sweetheart!" Of course my father would be happy. I think I could have told him I was having puppies and he would still be just as happy.
After Charlie gives me a very uncomfortable one armed hug and leaves the room Jake's demeanor completely changes.
"You can't do anything right can you? What the hell I am I supposed to do with a girl? I can't even look at your pathetic ass right now. Go get in the damn kitchen and start dinner."
I feel anger well up in me for the first time since I went numb the morning I stood up to him for the first and last time and ended up with 15 stitches. I didn't even realize what had happened till after I felt the sting in my hand. Jake is standing in front of my seething while holding the left side of his face. OH SHIT! What the hell have I done? No matter how good it felt to hit the bastard or how much he deserved it, I rush with apologies as soon as my brain registers what I had just done.
"I'm so sorry Jake I didn't mean too. I really don't know what has come over me. It must be the mood swings and hormones that we have been warned about."
Jake just continues to stand there and stare in hatred and a look that promises violence when we are alone tonight and simply states "I will deal with you later."
I felt a chill go down my spine when he said that. I knew right then that the 'punishment' I was going to be getting was going to be the worse yet. I watch as he stalks off into the living room and then make my way to the kitchen to prepare their dinner.
I decided to make myself scarce while they ate and watched the game. I went up to my room and relished in the peace and comfort that this room offered me. It was truly the only place I really felt safe anymore.
While wondering around my room I noticed that one of my floor boards was loose. I get down and use my fingers to pry it up a little. It wasn't until I saw what was hidden underneath that I remembered why it was loose.
Shortly after senior year started Jessica had given me a small plastic bag to hide until she asked for it back. She obviously had forgotten about it and so had I. I opened the bag and gasped out loud. Inside the bag was not only a substance that looked like weed but there was also a large amount of pills that I knew to be Vicodin. When you are as clumsy as I am, you become quite familiar with narcotic pain medications from numerous injuries.
The smile on my face is so large I'm afraid that my face my split into two. I slide the bag into a book bag that was in my closet along with a few books and some sweatshirts that had gotten left here during the move. I figured the more I stuffed in there the more likely I was to be able to get passed them without many questions as to why I had a bag.
By the time I get down stairs the game is just about over and I can tell be the way Jake looked at me that we will be leaving as soon as it is over. At least I will get the luxury of driving myself home instead of being forced to ride with him. It will give me just a few more minutes of calm before the storm hits.
After the game ends we say our goodbyes and go to our respective cars. The whole drive home all I can focus on is the drugs that I have hidden in my bag. I'm not even thinking of the impending beating I am sure to get when we get home.
I pull into the complex and park next to Jake's VW Rabbit. How he managed to beat me home and inside already is beyond me and the sick feeling finally settles in. He had rushed home so that he could make it inside first to give him the upper hand and so that I couldn't lock him out. I slowly get out and walk up the stairs to our door.
I barely get the door shut before I feel myself get slammed into it.
"Just what the hell did you think you were doing by laying a hand on me you worthless bitch? Did you honestly think I was going to let you get away with that shit?" Jake screamed in my face.
"Please Jake, don't hurt me again. I promise I won't do it again. Please think of the baby." At this point I am not above begging and pulling every excuse I can to prevent this from being worse then what I knew it could be.
Unfortunately all my pleading and begging fell on deaf ears because he proceeded in beating me pretty bad. I think the only two places that weren't bruised were my stomach and face. I'm sure you can figure out why those two places are never harmed. He may not have fully cared about the child I was carrying, but he made sure that his beatings would not be the cause of me loosing said child.
After Jake was finished with my 'punishment' as he liked to call it, he stormed to the bedroom and locked the door. I decided that I was going to go take a bath to soothe the pain as much as I could. I knew it was a futile effort but at least it would help a little. After I cleaned up as best I could my mind started thinking about the pills again. I know there was weed in there too but I can't really smoke that without being caught so I just focused on the pills.
I slowly opened the bathroom door and peeked out. The bedroom door was still shut and I could hear Jake's loud snores from where I was at. I stepped out and made a beeline to where my bag was by the front door. When I reached my bag I hurried and grabbed it and ran to the kitchen. I set it down on the counter and started to fill a glass of water. When I had done that I open the bag and dug around till I found my ticket to Neverland. I finally found it and took out about 6 pills. I didn't even think before I popped them in my mouth and swallowed. I walked slowly over to the couch and sat down. I knew that it would only take about half an hour or so before I completely blacked out. I took out my book and started to read the first page. I don't even remember how long it took for them to kick in or when I put my book down because the last thing I remember that night is lying down on the couch and thinking 'numb at last'.
That was the first time I intentionally abused prescription drugs. It most defiantly wasn't the last time and it also wasn't the only type of drugs that I abused while with Jake. It took me a while to realize that what I did was wrong and not how I should have handled the problems in my life at that time. They say hindsight is a wonderful thing and I truly believe that it is. If I would have known then what I do now I would have never done it. I would have never wished to harm myself or my beautiful daughter and I would have never exposed my daughter to drug use before she even had the chance to take her first breath.