iCome Apart at the Seams

Everything she knew was wrong. Why was her strapping, vibrant, rough-and-tumble, beautiful butch girl crying? There was no way more appropriate, she had learned, to get Sam to drop her defenses – learned over years of less-than-stellar parenting – than to get her to laugh.

"Oh, Beautiful Butch Bacon Girl…" Carly cooed, trying not to laugh, "Why are you crying?"

Sam laughed. This was why she adored Carly. This was why she knew was right. Carly was right about everything. Sam had convinced herself that this was only a phase; Carly would outgrow her and go on to a high-powered career with a house, fancy car, dog, two-point-five beautiful chocolate-eyed babies, and some man sharing her bed. She sobbed. This time, it was out of joy – the joy that was Carly Shay. Sam loved her from the very depths of her soul, yet she cursed her, inside her head, all the same.

"Goddamn you, Shay. Goddamn you for making me…feel."

Now joined at the forehead, Sam pulled Carly close, more out of desperation than passion. She was weepy and stupid. She felt her entire face go slippery and loose. She was overcome. She heard music inside her head. They were the words she wished she could say.

"…Anyway, the thing is…. What I really mean…"

"…Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen…"

Sam flushed, both out of love and embarrassment, sobbing into Carly's chest. Carly still had no idea why, but she did everything she could. Sam Puckett didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve this pain.

"Sam… Sweetheart… Don't do that…" Carly's voice was soft and whispy, as though she were rocking a toddler off to sleep. She would be an excellent mother, she knew. She simply prayed she would be given the chance.

"Sweety, tell Carly what's wrong…"

It then became obvious to her what had happened. Sam Puckett had crumbled under the strain of being Sam Puckett.

"Sweety, what's the matter?" Carly begged.

Sam forced herself to speak. She choked, in between sobs. This was tearing her up inside.

"Why? Why did you… for me? I… I… I don't… I don't deserve you…"

Carly Shay planted three very forceful kisses directly onto Sam's lips, speaking after each to underscore her point.

"Yes! You! Do!"

She paused to let Sam speak but instead got nothing but the blinking of bleary blue eyes. Even tearful, distraught, and swollen, Carly loved her. She always would.

"Carls…" she squeaked, "please tell me I'm something more than some sort of weird trick… Please… Please, God, tell me that I'm wrong… that you didn't just do all of this for… I don't know why…"

Carly was stunned. Sam was a total double-threat – beautiful and smart – though she never gave herself enough credit. That was the only thing about Sam that was anything less than perfect. Sam was so goddamned stubborn.

"Sam… Do you really not get it? Do you really not understand why I did what I did? What I did, Sam, I did because I am a spoiled, selfish little girl. This was all about my feelings, as much as it was about you…"

Sam didn't understand. She didn't understand at all.

"Carls?" Sam asked, her name holding the question her heart was trying to ask.

"I love you, Sam. I am in love with you. I have always been, and I will always be. I did what I did because I knew you were smart enough to get in. You could handle that, but you just needed a little help making ends meet. I couldn't stand the thought of you having to work SO HARD for something you deserve... Besides, I am too selfish to let you go. We've spent the last ten years together… and now… knowing what we know… I have to have you. Telling me I couldn't see Sam Puckett everyday – that'd be like telling me not to breathe!"

Carly had just unburdened her soul of all that had twisted it up – strangled it – for the better part of a week. First, she had come out of the closet. Now, she had rid the closet of all its skeletons. The bones had jangled out, rough and offensive, into the light of day. It tore at the pit of Carly's stomach to tell her. It hurt to bring it all to bear, but only for a moment. One thing in the entire world would calm the ripples in her stomach. She needed to be forgiven. She never should have put her own selfish needs above those of her Ham Lover.

"Sam, I…" Carly began.

She didn't get the sentence out. Sam, finally composed, cut her off. She was her old self again.

"Carls? Shut up."

"But Sam…" Carly whined.

"Carls…" Sam mocked her. "I want you to be selfish… that's kind of the whole point. That's how this works, if you haven't realized it already. I will always put you first. You are always going to be my number one priority – that's just the way it is. I am so sorry. I feel so goddamn stupid. I just am used to, you know, I have… you know, an image to protect. Who would Sam Puckett be if not Seattle's resident roughneck, Carls?"

Carly cocked her head and crinkled up her nose, as if considering this. She laughed. It was the five million dollar question. Sam knew she was playing, but, as Carly knew, the Ham Lover had poor impulse control. She playfully shook her Cupcake by the shoulders.

"Dammit, Woman… What's so funny?"

She giggled again.

"You'd be My Sam… Don't you think, Sweetheart, that it's time to… I don't know… find a girl, settle down?" She flashed Sam a wanting, crooked smile. She just said everything in the world worth saying, without actually saying a word. Sam knew exactly what Carly was asking her.

She kissed the brunette full on the mouth, holding her tightly.

"Cupcake, I can't even begin to thank you… I can't ever…"

Carly kissed her back. She had heard enough. Carly leaned into her, demanding the final word on the matter.

"Just paying it forward, Mama. Deal with it."

She smiled, closed her eyes, and kissed Sam gently on the tip of her nose. Sam Puckett was a great many things. Carly knew that life with her could be maddening at times, but it was, without any doubt, the life that Carly wanted, more than anything in the world. She knew that they would get there. It would only take time, trust, and the occasional sleepless night. Tonight wouldn't be one of those. It was still early in the day. As they lay there together, Carly's mind flashed forward to everything she ever wanted. She knew if it was worth doing, it was only worth doing one way: with Her Sam.