Chapter Eight: Real Women

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I waited, wondering what on earth Pansy could do to me now. The common room was abuzz with conversation. Our friends were sitting at the table next to the couch, paying us no mind. Older students were helping first years study for Snape's exam. For once, we weren't the center of attention. Not that I'm complaining. It gets tired being King and Queen of snakes.

Pansy cleared her throat, cracked her knuckles, and began. "The first task was Cauldron's Bottoms. You made it to Neville Longbottom in a little over half an hour, and you were able to snag his pants. There were no rules in place for this task, and Longbottom states that you made your transaction in a matter of seconds. Even though you had help from Daphne, I'm still going to say you were right on target. Of course, that task was extremely easy and only a complete idiot wouldn't have been able to accomplish it. Onto the next! Blaise!"

Blaise rolled over the back on the couch and dropped in beside me. "Hullo, love," he said with a wink. I groaned in response.

"I hear reports that you found the Snake Pit in record time," Pansy said, as she read notes from her black book. "At first, you attempted to cheat by giving Blaise a peck on the lips. Bad, bad Draco. But, luckily he convinced you otherwise, or else you would have failed miserably. And how was the kiss?"

I looked to Blaise, who was filing his nails. "It was adequate," he said, with a shrug.

"ADEQUATE?" I burst out, glowering at him. "You were so into it you slapped my arse and tried to bite my lips! You stupid queen!"

"Draco, please," Blaise said, rolling his eyes and smiling. "You're so arrogant."

"I know, isn't it simply absurd how great he thinks he is?" Pansy agreed. "I swear, he gets off just by imagining boffing himself!" They burst into laughter.

"DO NOT," I yelled, "and you know it!" (Well. Not all the time. I'll admit I do get a bit excited when I see my arse in a nice pair of trousers.)

Blaise patted my knee. "Don't fuss, Draco. It's babyish and unattractive. You were better than simply adequate and you do not need me to tell you that. Though you were somewhat vanilla—"

"Vanilla? I'm anything but! Pansy, tell him! I'm not vanilla!" I whined.

"Draco, shut up, please. I hate when you use that tone of voice," Pansy said tersely, elbowing me. They're both so mean to me! "Blaise's actual quote was, 'holy yummers—the task should have been a shag-a-thon', so you can quiet your haughty little self down. Your reputation stands firm."

I puffed out my chest and smirked at Blaise. "Thanks, mate. But I'll have to decline—"

"Oh, shut up, ferret-face," Blaise chortled. "Good luck with the Mudblood. You'll have to excuse me. I heard through the grapevine that Cormac McLaggen turns bisexual when you give him enough wine, so I'm going to see if the rumors are true!" With that, Blaise got up and sashayed away.

"I know what I'm doing later," said Pansy with an evil beam. She flipped to the next page. "Ah, yes," she said. "Lavender Brown. Draco, would you be so kind as to read the clue off Blaise's pants? The one that led you to Brown?"

"Why the hell would I need to do that? You WROTE the blasted thing," I said, but got it out all the same. In the process, my hand brushed Brown's brassiere. Just fingering the large, soft bra was nearly getting me sprung again. I sucked in air and grumbled in impatience, taking out Blaise's black underwear.

Pansy snickered in amusement. "Why, Draco. You're positively suffering, aren't you? How long has it been since you last shagged anybody?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but Tracey was it. That was in August. Nearly four months have passed. And I broke up with her during it, so it wasn't even very good. She started crying and I almost couldn't come," I said, unfolding the pants. "Worst shag of my life."

"Still, knowing your ego, I'd expect you to have had shagged and dropped at least five empty-headed bitches by now—"

"I've had other things to do! Things you'd never understand! Honestly, Pansy, life isn't all about sex, pranking people and gossiping. I have a secret task! I'm doing important things for the betterment of all wizards, and I'm making my family pro—"

"Draco, please shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear about your super secret task anymore! If you're not going to tell us what it is, don't bother mentioning it. It's obviously just something you've made up so you can go jerk off in secret while people think you're off doing important things. Now read the bloody clue."

I scowled at her. "I'm not making it up. But fine. I will." I looked at the pants and read out the clue in one breath:"As you know, dear Draco, Weasley is our king. But what you'll need to do is make his girlfriend's boobies swing! On her bra is the clue that holds your fourth task. Be corrupt, be sly, be sneaky. Because you cannot simply ask!" I stared at Pansy. "So? Is something the matter?"

"Exactly how did you acquire her bra? And don't lie, Draco. I've already spoken with Brown," Pansy said, raising her eyebrow.

"What!" I snapped. "I don't know what you're getting at. I sent her a letter to meet me in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, and I got her all nice and excited by kissing her neck. We made out for a while, only for the sake of getting her all good and turned on, and then I took her bra off. Simple as that."

"Brown says you started to remove the bra, and then you asked for her permission to keep it as a souvenir—"

"I might have asked, but I asked after I was already taking it off!" I said instantly, the wheels in my head turning. I honestly hadn't considered that. "I was being in character. She thought I was Weasley—well, I thought she thought I was—and I figured Weasley is a dweeb regarding those kinds of matters and would probably ask her permission first like a nancy boy."

Pansy scratched her chin. "Hm," was all she said.

"I already had the bra!" I asserted. "Ask Brown! She'll tell you!"

"She did tell me, Draco. She told me you asked and you were not supposed to ask! It's clearly stated in the clue, which you probably lost sight of as soon as you started snogging her disgusting, blood traitor face!"

"I WAS SNOGGING HER TO GET THE BRA!"

The common room quickly went silent, and everyone turned to stare. Crabbe and Goyle stopped arguing about what teams were going to win the Quidditch season (as usual, they were both supporting teams that hadn't even been picked for the Cup, unbeknownst to them). Theo and Zeke stopped playing chess. Daphne put away her Divinations book and watched in interest.

Pansy pushed my shoulder. "You asked for the bra and I should call off this game RIGHT NOW, Draco Malfoy! You're a cheat! I don't care if you ever get laid again, and I have half a mind to just declare that you lost!"

"You can't do that! I already had the bra! Just ask! JUST ASK HER!"

"Admit that you cheated!" Pansy yelled.

"I didn't cheat, you fat bitch!" I shouted back at her.

As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I was in deep, deep trouble. Pansy was a girl who referred to herself as "large and in charge", but if you dared comment upon the size of her arse in her tiny school skirts, she'd whap you one across the ears. I knew this with my entire soul, and yet I'd royally cocked up.

Theo whistled. Daphne covered her face with her hands. The Head Boy and Head Girl quickly escorted first years off the premises. Pansy smiled at me sweeter than I'd ever seen and put her hand on my thigh. I reflexively flinched.

"What did you call me?" she asked, in a soft, kind voice that made my heart begin to pound with deep apprehension.

"I… it was a mistake, Pans. It slipped out. I didn't really mean it," I winced.

She didn't take her hand off my leg. "No," she chirped. "Come now. It's okay. I just want to be sure I heard you correctly."

"I…er… Fat bitch," I said. "But, I didn't mean it—"

"Oh, you didn't mean it?" she said, smiling.

I swallowed hard and shook my head quickly from side to side.

"YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT? YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT? OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT!" Pansy screeched so loudly that people watching covered their ears and wailed in protest. "ARE YOU WONDERING HOW I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT?"

Her voice was nails on a chalkboard. I shut my eyes tight, hoping it would be over soon. "How do you know?" I whispered quietly.

"BECAUSE AS SOMEONE WHO HAS SHAGGED YOU AND GIVEN YOU MOUNTAINS OF HAND JOBS AND ORAL SEX, AND WHO HAS HEARD SOME OF YOUR MOST RIDICULOUS FANTASIES, I AM WELL-AWARE THAT ALTHOUGH YOU ARE A COMPLETE MAN WHORE WHO HAS AN EYE FOR ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF GIRLS, YOU, DRACO MALFOY, ADORE FAT BITCHES!"

Despite myself, I opened my eyes and smirked casually at the room. "Haha, you're completely mad—". Of course, Pansy was partially right- perhaps adore went a bit far but I was definitely a fan of luscious arses and pillowy tits. Adore though? I didn't adore any bitches. Bitches adored me. It was simple.

Pansy leaned over me and slammed her hand down on the front of my trousers. As my snide laughter turned into horrified shrieking, she squeezed my balls with a fury.

I cried out in protest. "PANSY! AH! STOP! STOP! STOP!"

She tightened her grip. "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES, DRACO! SAY IT! REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES!"

"PANSY! AHHHHHH! STOP! STOP!" I wailed.

The entire room burst into shouts and laughter.

"SAY IT, DRACO!" She continued crushing me. I could feel her fingernails through my thin trousers. I really needed to start dressing for protection instead of vanity. The pain was excruciating.

"REAL… WOMEN… AAAAH… HAVE CURVES," I managed to get out, the color draining from my face. I began to shout in a panicked voice while punching the couch: "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES! REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES!"

Pansy released me from her death grip and patted my leg. "Good job, Draco. I knew you had it in you." She looked around at everyone in the common room. "OY! DOES THIS CONCERN YOU?" she yelled.

Everyone went back to what they were doing.

"Honestly, I wasn't trying to cheat," I said in a high voice, massaging my sore balls and making a face. I cleared my throat. "If I wanted to cheat, I would have been done with this entire thing way quicker. You know that, Pansy!"

She wrote something down in the margin of her journal. "I do know that," she said, throwing me a little glance. "I just wanted you to know nothing gets past me."

"That's something I'll never forget," I mumbled.

"Onto the next!" she said cheerfully, as I tried to hold back tears of pain. "Cho Chang, the sweet little exhibitionist… Ah, Draco. Where do I start? You already know I was very impressed with your method, and you played right into my little game by infuriating Potter. My sources say he's still ranting about it. A perfect ten."

"Thank you," I squeaked.

"Next was Headmaster Dumbledore," Pansy went on. "This one was terribly easy, and I had no doubt that you would finish in a timely manner, but you even got done earlier than I expected. That's worthy of praise, given that Dumbledore could have easily cornered you and given you a two hour lecture about love and family."

"Almost fell into that trap, but I ran away before he had the chance to get all deep," I said, my voice finally back to normal.

"And he gave the pants over which means he held up his end of the deal. So his secret's safe with me," Pansy said to herself, and crossed something off in her notebook.

"You're black-mailing the Headmaster?" I demanded. "For what? Tell me!" I tried to snatch her book from her but she made a gesture like she might make a grab for my nads again and so I left it be.

"That's between Dumbledore and I. And the late Grindelwald," Pansy said. I didn't even want to ask. "Onto Snape—"

"Ugh," I said, scrunching up my face. "That was terrifying. His sex doll was wearing Gryffindor clothing!" (Honestly, I'd never get over that as long as I lived.)

"You know, you're more demented than I thought," Pansy commented, and flipped the page in her book. "Professor Snape. Also an extremely easy challenge when you think about it. I'm assuming you used your wand for this one?"

"No, I got them the same way I did with Chang," I said sarcastically, glaring at her. "Yes, of course I used my wand—"

"And as I said, you were back late but I suppose you are right. You did manage to acquire them on time, so I'll give it to you," Pansy said, making a few marks on the page.

"Oh thank you," I snarled. "How kind of you. Now, I want to know where Granger is!"

"Draco, you horny little bastard!" she twittered. "You have to find Granger—you know that. And I'm giving you one last clue—"

"ENOUGH WITH THE SODDING CLUES!" I shouted, and once more, the entire common room turned to look.

Pansy shoved my shoulder. "Pull yourself together! One more clue. That's it. And then it's up to you to find Granger and see if she wants to screw your miserable ass. For my own sake, I really hope she does because this is getting pathetic. Now, listen carefully, Draco."

"Oh, I'm all ears, Pans," I said with a tight-lipped grin. You obnoxious, blithering bitch, you, I thought. (She had not yet learned to read my mind, though I was waiting for that day to come.)

Pansy looked at her book and recited another one of her stupid rhymes: "This entire evening, you've been searching for clothes. And listening very patiently to prose. You've won all the pants as your excitement grows. So look around, Draco. She's right under your nose."

I blinked. "That's… it?"

"That's it," Pansy said. "It's dreadfully easy to work out if you think about it in the right way."

"There's nothing there to think about!" I snapped. "Under my nose? She's not right here! She's not under my nose!"

"Draco, CALM DOWN! She's somewhere convenient—somewhere you would want to find her right away. Don't think too hard!"

I growled and banged the back of my head on the couch in frustration. "Think, Draco, think," I whispered. "Somewhere convenient. Somewhere… Ah HA. Somewhere obvious?"

"Very," Pansy said, nodding.

"Well, it's completely simple, isn't it? Granger's right where she's supposed to be!" I said excitedly, and jumped up immediately. I ran out of the common room toward Gryffindor tower, not even hearing Pansy's cry of "Draco! Where the hell are you running to!?".