Chapter Nine: Long Overdue
..
I charged past students, a few professors, dodged Sir Nicholas before he could lament about that Headless Hunt bullshit, and headed up the main stairway.
"Hi Draco!" said a loud, excitable voice. I turned to my left. Right near the entrance of Gryffindor tower were Lavender Brown and Weasley, woven together like they might bone each other any second. I couldn't help but notice Brown's cleavage.
"Why in the blazes are you talking to him, Lav?" choked Weasley, looking at his girlfriend in a horrified fashion.
"Hello, Brown," I responded with a curt nod. "Good evening, Weasley!"
"Don't wish me a good evening!" Weasley said, his eyes widening. "What's your game, Malfoy?"
"Be polite, Won-Won!" Brown said, smacking him in the stomach.
"My game? The only game on my mind is Quidditch, Weasley. Great week, wasn't it? Your playing was impeccable!"
"Bugger off, you fuckwit!" Weasley yelled.
"WON!" Brown said, and struck him again.
"Look Brown, could you tell me the Gryffindor password? I need to get in there."
"Ooooh, you're close, aren't you?" she asked.
"Close? Close to what?" Weasley demanded. "Close to what!?"
"Very," I said. "I can feel it."
"Password is Raspberry Opal. It's the Fat Lady's favorite liqueur!"
"Wha—why are you telling him that?" sputtered Weasley, running a hand through his short, lobster-red hair worriedly, his freckled face growing pink.
"Right thanks," I said, and strolled up to the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Raspberry Opal!" I commanded, and she opened up straight away.
"DON'T LET HIM IN!" Weasley yelled.
The Fat Lady shook her head at him. "Stop shouting, young man!"
"Bye, Draco! Have fuuuuun!" Brown squealed.
"You, too. Have a good night, Weasley," I sneered.
"Oh, we plaaan to, don't we Wonnie?" Brown said, burying her head into Weasley's chest.
"DON'T WISH ME A GOOD NIGHT, MALFOY! DON'T YOU DARE!" Ron hollered, shaking his fist.
I crawled into the portrait hole, and sped into the common room, attracting many curious stares. I was trying to work out which way the girls' dorms were when I heard my name being called. I turned and my eyes grew wide. There on the Gryffindor common room couch sat Pavarti Patil and Millicent. From the look of things, they were getting pretty hot and heavy. Patil's skirt was pulled up and her legs were over Millicent's lap.
"Malfoy! Har har har," wheezed Millicent. "What are you doing here?"
"I need to know how to get into the dormitories! I'm here for my prize!" I announced.
Parvati moaned as Millicent planted a kiss on her neck. I stiffened, feeling my trousers getting tight. If I squinted, Millicent almost looked attractive.
"You're in the wrong place, Malfoy," Millicent said, slipping her hand up Patil's shirt.
Patil moaned softly. "Mills, not here—not in front of—oooh—Malfoy!"
"Oh, it's okay," Millicent cackled. "He doesn't mind!"
"What do you mean, the wrong place?" My eyes were glued to the two girls in front of me.
"I hate to break it to you, Malfoy. She ain't here. Malfoy—Malfoy—… MALFOY!" Millicent stomped her foot on the floor, giving me a start.
It broke me out of my lesbian daze. "But she's up there! She's got to be in her dorm! It only makes sense!"
Millicent shrugged solemnly. "I'm sorry but your Mudblood is in another part of the castle!"
"Snakes! Thanks, Bulstrode. Any idea where?"
"If I tell I'm dead meat. You know that! Think about it, Malfoy! It's pretty obvious where Granger would be," she winked lecherously. "Good luck!"
"What are you going to do next, Millicent?" I asked, breaking into a lopsided smirk and wiggling my eyebrows.
"Get out, Malfoy. That expression makes you look like a perverted creep," Millicent sighed.
"FINE," I pouted, before turning to leave. "Bye, Patil! If she can't get you there, you know where to find me!"
Parvati gave me the finger. Unfriendly cunt. No matter. I had no time for lesbian activity today! I ran off to the place I KNEW Granger would be: The library!
How stupid of me not to think of that first. Granger was constantly in the library. It took me a record of ten minutes to get there, and I only got winded once. Being horny is a very good incentive to exercise, you know!
I walked in very quickly, surveying the scene. Only a few scattered people were at the study tables, and the aisles were mostly empty. I didn't see Granger anywhere. Then I saw the sign for the Restricted Section, and headed there at once. I stepped into the section but it seemed empty.
"Granger?" I whispered, my voice sounding strange in the silence.
Nobody answered. I began to browse the titles in interest, as I'd only been in the Restricted Section a few times before. Binns had given me a permission slip once when I'd lied and said I was working on a thesis paper that would argue the point of banning black magic. Periodically, he'd ask me how it was coming and I'd tell him I was still working on it. This had been going on for four years. Dead idiot.
"Are you allowed to be in here?" asked a deep and somber voice, breaking the quiet.
I jumped and turned around to face whoever had addressed me. Leaning against a bookshelf was a tall,, dark-skinned pudgy bloke I'd never seen before. He was wearing a serious look upon his face and was holding a stack of books in his hands. Strangely, he was wearing both a Gryffindor and Ravenclaw pin on his robes.
"That isn't any of your business," I replied snappishly.
"If you're not allowed back here, you shouldn't be here, Malfoy," he said, still staring at me. "Have you got a permission note?"
"Excuse me, who are you?" I demanded. "And where do you get off telling me what to do!?"
"You've been in class with as long as we've been at Hogwarts!" he said, frowning. He looked slightly ruffled. "I'm in your year!"
"Ridiculous. I've never laid eyes upon you in my life," I said. "Lying bastard. Who are you really?"
"We were partners in Potions first year for an entire quarter!" he said, looking hurt.
"Never seen you so not possible," I snapped. "Have you seen a girl back here?"
His eyes widened and he shook his head with a look of utmost seriousness. "You're looking for Granger. You're not going to find her here—"
"How do you know—"
"Granger could be anywhere. It's like catching smoke. Like catching smoke with your bare hands," he told me gravely.
"Right," I said, backing up. "You're a lunatic! Thanks for nothing!"
"Your bare hands," he repeated as I backed out of the Restricted Section, cursing under my breath. "Your bare hands, Malfoy…"
Severely freaked out, I broke into a run and took off. "DRACO MALFOY!" screamed Pince. "NO RUNNING IN THE LIBRARY! AND Vanishing Cabinets for Dummies IS LONG OVERDUE!"
"SORRY! I'M ALSO LONG OVERDUE TO BE SHAGGED!" was all I could think of to holler back. A gaggle of girls at the checkout line squealed with giggles.
Once I was out of the library, I turned the corner and slammed into a tall, husky boy by the name of Orville Talon. Not only was Orville as obnoxious as his name implied, he was also Head Boy. He reminded me of Ron Weasley's older brother Peter, except a Hufflepuff and loads more annoying—if you could imagine that! Sure enough, he glared at me and tapped a squashy finger against his glittery gold badge. "Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy. You certainly have very peculiar hallway behavior as of late! A few students have said you have been loitering."
I paused, sneering at him. "I'm not loitering now," I said, mocking his nasly voice.
"No—no, not right now," he said, and twitched his nose impatiently. "Right now you're running in the hallway, which is forbidden! Besides, shouldn't you be in bed?"
"Bed?" I burst out. "Pardon me, but I'm not six years old! I don't have to be in bed…" I trailed off. Bed. Bed.
Holy Python of Snakesville. Hermione Granger was in my bed!
"She's in my bed!" I cheered, and shoved Orville aside.
"Malfoy! How dare you! You've assaulted a Head Boyyy!" I heard him yell behind me, but today I did not give two shits.
..
Picking up speed, I rounded the corner leading to the boys' dormitories and took a sharp left into the hallway leading to the room I shared with the other sixth years. If this wasn't it, I had no bloody idea what I was going to do next. Probably go drown my horny arse in the lake and hope the squid would ravish my wet body. Holy snakes, I needed to get laid so badly I was hoping to be a giant squid's mercy fuck. How the mighty had fallen!
I ran in, breathing heavily and headed to my bed. I threw the canopy open in desperation, and then screamed in anguish: "NOOOOO!"
My bed was empty.
No Granger. No anyone. It was made neatly just as I'd done that morning, and it was vacant. Empty. I tried to catch my breath without keeling over and passing out. Granger wasn't here, and I absolutely was not going to go back to the common room to try to beg Pansy for answers. It dawned on me then that this possibly was all entirely a sick joke. Why had I not thought of that prospect earlier? The pants probably weren't even Granger's, and even if they were, Pansy had likely only done this to prove the lengths I'd go to boff a Mudblood. She probably had photographic evidence and was going to send it off immediately to Mother, to Father in Azkaban, to the Dark Lord, to Aunty Bellatrix...
My skin blanched a ghoulish white as I realised my life was completely over. Not only that, but I'd nearly perfected the Vanishing Cabinet… Not enough get out of Hogwarts, but that did not matter. It was enough for my entire batshit family to bust in and attack me. Mother would likely argue for my life to be spared, but could I really face her with such shame in my heart? Father would likely be a tiny bit sad but agree I should be immediately executed. They'd have no trouble finding a volunteer. I'm sure Aunty would kill me slowly, with lots of torture. I shuddered.
But the very worst part was that I was still excruciatingly turned-on. As much as I wanted to be an adult about this and face my impending death with courage and honor, I couldn't forget the exploits I'd gotten into. Getting the pants from Longbottom, Dumbledore and Snape were disturbing experiences, and Blaise was a crazy fairy. But getting to rub Lavender Brown's supple jugs had been on my mind since it happened, and pulling off Chang's pants with only my teeth had made me hungrier for twat then I'd been in ages. Even Pansy's diabolical plotting had led to me wishing I could slam it in her slaggy hole. But the real disappointment was that this had been all for naught. No twat of any kind, unless I did a walk of shame and went around begging. I mean, I could get any girl in two seconds, but... I wanted Granger.
I sighed and sat very somberly on the edge of the bed, thinking about what shit it would be to have to jack off again out of sexual frustration when a composed voice broke the awful silence:
"Are you completely out of your mind or just slightly touched in the head, Malfoy?"
My head snapped up in the direction of Blaise's bed. There, staring right back at me with a smug expression, was Mudblood Granger. Her wild mane of hair fanned out over her shoulders, and her legs were crossed. Her gray skirt was hitched up just enough that it offered me a small view of her shapely thighs. She was wearing a simple white blouse but the top two buttons were undone. As usual her effortless, nerdy attractiveness instantly made my mouth dry. She held our Potions text in her lap. Obviously she'd been working on homework whilst I'd been racing around the castle. There was a little smudge of ink on her cheek.
I smacked my lips to try and make words come out. She stared at me, not breaking eye contact. "Granger," I finally managed to sputter, "you're- you're here? Why are you on the pouf's bed and not mine?"
"My mistake, I guess. I assumed it was your bed because there is a photo of you on the bedside table. I couldn't figure who in their right mind would wish to own something as horrifying as that. Beyond you," she said carefully and uncrossed her legs. My mouth twitched. There was a sizable gap between her legs, but I couldn't see a blasted thing. This school really needed to work on its uniforms! (I'd begged Father to amend this fact when he used to be on the school board, but he said Dumbledore would never go for it. Stupid old dickhead! Who in their right mind doesn't want to see girls in short skirts!?) "Pouf?" she questioned.
"Zabini," I responded, still looking between her legs. She cleared her throat and I met her gaze once more. "He's sort of in love with me." I cocked my eyebrow. "I can't blame him."
Granger snorted. "Cut to the chase, Malfoy. I'm not stupid. When Parkinson told me I had a suitor who was going on a scavenger hunt in order to sleep with me, I worked out it was you. You're not a very subtle person-"
"And you're used to being around subtle people like Potter and Weasley, right?"
"Don't be rude," she said in a brassy voice. "Listen. You're completely obvious. I've noticed you gawking at me for the past couple months, and at first I assumed it was because you'd found something new to mock about me. But then you didn't say anything much and I noticed you staring at my chest and my bum a lot. Once you stared with your mouth open when I had to lean over my cauldron. You stared for twenty seconds. I know because I counted. And when Parkinson told me she had a plan for me, that she had someone I could get off with without having to care, I instantly knew it was you. And I suppose you have all of the clues?"
I nodded rapidly, and grabbed my satchel. My heartbeat quickened as Granger left her spot on Blaise's bed and stood up, crossing over to me. She stood rigidly with her arms crossed. "Right. So. Do you know the nature of this business?"
"I have a very vague idea," Granger stated. "I've been told you have something of mine. I'd like that first, please."
I rummaged through my bag and seized the blue lacy pants, and Granger snatched them out of my hands. I was interested to see she was a bit red-faced as she did so.
"I really just can't believe someone would steal these from my dirty clothing," she tutted, "and furthermore, that Parkinson would set all of this up, or that you of all people would be in possession of my underwear!"
I couldn't mask a sneer. "Your pants were the least of my worries today." With that, I dumped the rest of the garments on my bed and Granger looked them over.
"Oh God- the six tasks were to get pants?" she burst out.
"I've been hard at work, Granger, and I very much hope you'll appreciate my efforts. Longbottom's pair," I said and pointed out the lumpy and spazzy bright blue pair. Granger covered her mouth with her hands, giggling slightly. "Blaise," I said, gesturing at the silky black women's pants.
"Wait- how did you-"
"Lavender Brown's brassiere," I went on, interrupting her. "Cho Chang's pants, Dumbledore's and Professor Snape's." I folded my arms. "Six clues. All here."
Hermione stared wide-eyed at the assortment of people's underwear. "You collected pants. Because Parkinson told you she was holding me hostage somewhere in the castle. And you carried them around with you in a little bag all evening?"
"Yeees," I said slowly, having no bloody clue where she was going with this. All I could focus on was the fact that I wanted her to sit on my lap and feel her roll her herself on top of my waist.
"Well, you're a far bigger creep than I thought," she huffed. "Crazy, too. And mighty cocky. What on earth makes you think I'm going to let you have your way with me just because you've presented me with PANTS!? Pants that, in some cases-" she scrunched her nose at the gray pair- "don't look like they've seen a washer or the daylight in centuries."
"You mean you are not fixing to go to bed with me?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "But I need to get off!"
Granger screwed up her face. "That is a hideous thing to say. And no, I don't think I am fixing to go to bed with you. I'm ready to be on my way."
My mouth fell open. "Six clues, Granger! Six clues, six tasks, six trinkets!"
"So—" She began, but I kept talking.
"This was not a cheesy battle fought with love! This wasn't a Chamber of Retards! This was not about saving a berk's ugly over-grown chicken! This was not a ridiculous Tri-Wizard Tournament that, if chosen, I could have beat in less than five days blindfolded WITHOUT having ANY CLUES! This was NOT about a stupid old Prophecy! This was about ME and PANTS! And I have them ALL right here!" I said, and I was suddenly shouting, though I didn't really realise it. "You have NO IDEA WHAT I WENT THROUGH FOR THIS!"
I stood up and descended upon her so that I was only inches away from her face. We were nearly matched in height, though her gigantic mass of curly, dark hair made it appear she was a lot taller than me. She stared at me, her brown eyes wide. "Malfoy," she began, but I cut her off.
"I TOUCHED THE PANTS OF NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM, THE BIGGEST CLUMSY PRAT IN THE SCHOOL!" I screamed. "I SAT IN BLAISE ZABINI'S LAP AND SNOGGED HIM, AND HE SLAPPED MY ARSE LIKE I WAS A DISOBEDIENT HOUSE ELF WHILE COLIN CREEVEY CAUGHT IT ALL ON CAMERA! AND- AND! BLAISE HAS BETTER HENCHMEN THEN I DO!" I was flailing my arms now.
Granger's face was morphing from an expression of annoyance to one of great concern, but I couldn't stop.
"I HAD TO STEAL LAVENDER BROWN'S BRA, AND SHE HAS A HUGE ARSE, AND I COULDN'T HANDLE IT! I'VE BEEN HORNY! SO HORNY! SO BLASTED HORNY!" My entire body began to shake. "IT WAS TOO MUCH! I WAS CHASED BY PEEVES, AND SEXUALLY VICTIMIZED BY MOANING MYRTLE! CHO CHANG IS INTO PERVERSE PUBLIC SEX ACTS AND SHE USED ME! POTTER BEAT ME UP! PANSY TRIED TO TRICK ME BY USING HER CURVES! DUMBLEDORE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE AND SNAPE HAS A PILLOW HE'S NAMED EVAN!"
Granger was silent for a moment. She looked serious. She crossed her arms over her chest again and simply said, "And how is any of this my issue?"
I was unable to handle myself any longer. I grabbed Granger roughly by the hair and yanked her so that her mouth was close to mine. "I CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD!" I hollered in her face.
She blinked at me and backed up a pace.
"Every time I wank off lately I think of you, and I can't stand it anymore! I TRIED TO RESIST BUT then I smelled your pants, because Pansy made them seem like they were hers, and I have to have you- I HAVE to-"
Granger was silent for a moment but then she pulled out her wand.
I sprang off her, cowering. "Oh Salazar, and now you're going to curse me-"
"Hush, Malfoy," she said, and pointed her wand at the pile of assorted underwear. It fluttered off the bed in a heap. "I wasn't going to touch any of that with a ten meter broom," she said and then sat down on the edge of my bed.
"Wh-what?" I sputtered.
"I don't care for you at all. I think you're vain, selfish, spoilt and to put it bluntly, vile," she said. "So let's not act like this changes anything." And with that, the Mudblood leaned over just enough to grip me by my waist and yank me toward the bed.