A/N: Yep! So I fully intended for this story to be a 10 chapter, plotless, ridiculous prank fic. It's still ridiculous. It's still a prank fic. But now it has a plot. And it's the shippiest ship fic I've ever written. Anyway, it's obviously developing into more of a romance, and it's got secret PLOT THINGS that are taking place. It's going to be longer than I expected. How's everyone feeling about that?

Malfoy's Pants Ploy

..

"Give me a moment. I think after eating dirt, I'd better brush and floss my teeth so I don't catch hell from the Muggles." I made to grab the bag of dentistry items from the couch but Granger smacked my hand away.

"Dirt!" she exclaimed loudly. "DIRT!" We both struggled to grab the bag—me laughing the whole time—and Granger managed to get it first, trying with all her might to hold me down.

But I plunged my hand into the bag and seized the toothpaste. "Right, let me just freshen my breath and then I'm all yours," I declared, unscrewing the cap and trying to pull off the seal. I finally ripped it off just as she grabbed for it, too. In the struggle, she squeezed a great load of minty fresh toothpaste all over my chin and front. "NOT ON MY SHIRT!" I shouted.

She laughed jubilantly. "You deserve it!"

I gripped the toothpaste and directed it at her which was less successful given the angle so instead I just swiped a handful off my front and smeared it on her cheek. She made a squeak of protest and I grabbed her face with my free hand. "I said, let me freshen my breath, Granger," I said, directing her face toward mine. She looked at me incredulously but leaned into me and I ran my tongue lightly over her cheek, tasting the electrifying spearmint. She moaned as my tongue trailed her face and then I planted my lips on hers.

We kissed for a moment before she released her lips and gazed at me, laughing a bit. "I got it all over you," she commented. "I don't think I've ever seen you more unkempt—"

"Get it off, Granger," I mock-whined. "Do it."

"Ugh, that baby voice is terrible," she clucked.

"Come on, I'm waiting," I continued to warble, until she brought her mouth to my chin and kissed me there. She ran her tongue carefully over the toothpaste until she started laughing quietly.

"This is ridiculous," she gasped.

"Shut it, Her-whiny. Now let's see what else we've got." I sat up to continue rummaging through the sack, Granger adjusting herself so she was in my lap. I grabbed a container of dental floss and opened it up, tugging out a bit of string. "Ah, brilliant. Rope. Put your wrists out, Granger. You can be my very poorly contained prisoner." I snapped off a bit of floss and wrapped it around both her wrists. She tugged her hands to the sides and it instantly snapped apart. "Ah. Bollucks."

"Malfoy," Granger said into my ear and her voice was suddenly soft. "Stop goofing around…Please take control—"

I used my finger to wipe off the rest of the toothpaste from her face and my chin. "Unfasten my shirt, Granger," I told her, "and I'll do as you say."

She set to work undoing the buttons, looking up at me after every few seconds. When she'd finally done it, she ran her hands up my chest and over my nipples. She tweaked my nipples ever so carefully and planted a kiss on my shoulder. I sucked in air and leaned back, neck veins pulsing, my hands digging into the thick rug. "Granger, you said you've been treated too nicely in bed," I grunted as she moved her mouth down my torso. "By just Krum, or…?"

She pulled her mouth off me. "When did I say that?" she asked confusedly.

I cast an amused look at her. "When you were sitting on a toilet just centimeters away from my cock. Remember?"

"Oh—er, I suppose I do but I'm surprised you would—"

"Why, because I'm incapable of recalling important details about my esteemed fuck toy?" I grinned wryly, playing with one of her curls.

Granger nudged me playfully and shrugged. "No, because I suppose I don't peg you for someone who actually listens. You run your mouth far too often—"

"I remember far more than you'd like to think. Stop the backtalk and tell me, Granger," I said throatily and ran my hands up her back.

She shuddered. "I just don't see why that's so important. My point is I take control in every aspect of my life. I'm always on time, I'm constantly taking care of problems, I'm always having to remind my friends what time assignments are due and—"

"Maybe it's time to get new friends," I jeered and she ran her tongue over my right nipple. "Merlin's frigtastic cockballs," I whimpered.

"Honestly! Where did you pick up such a foul mouth? I imagine that's not a common saying around the Malfoy household, unless I've drawn an inaccurate assumption from the few cheerful times I've met your parents," Granger clucked, circling my left nipple with her nail.

I shook my head. "No, no, I do not use such words at Malfoy Manor. But try having Pansy as a childhood best friend without picking up that 'fuck', 'twat', and 'balls' are perfectly acceptable in cordial conversation."

"That's just delightful," she said sarcastically and ran her hand through my hair. "I suppose at home you act as you did with my parents? All creepily courteous and overly enthusiastic?"

"Why should you care, Granger? Looking out for my mother, are you? Making sure I don't go on about Merlin's frigtastic cockballs when I recount my school year during summer break? Don't worry. I treat my mother and father with utmost respect. I'm quite a winner with parents, you see," I smirked with an arched eyebrow and kissed her deeply on the lips. I felt her breathing pace quicken in my mouth and she gripped the front of my hair strongly with a deep moan.

"Just how many faces does Draco Malfoy have?" she muttered when she pulled her lips off mine.

"Well, you should know that, Granger. Only one. It was just in your pussy not five minutes ago—" I said quickly and before she decided to attempt to psychoanalyze my entire life I took her by the waist and shoved her backward onto the carpet. She emitted a low squeal that was muffled as I kissed her roughly on the mouth and dragged my thumb and pointer finger down the line of her slit. "You like this, Granger? You like being beneath me right where you belong?"

"God, Malfoy," she moaned, stretching out and closing her eyes. I leant over her and made hard imprints on her neck with my teeth. "Don't leave a mark! I don't want my parents to see—"

"They think I'm your boyfriend anyway, Granger. What does it matter?" I smirked and bit her so hard she cried out.

She opened her eyes and grabbed my face. "Malfoy—it feels good, but lay off the biting. Seriously. I'm not about to answer questions concerning why the polite, charming angel left great ruddy marks all over my neck."

"Well, fine, Granger," I said in a deep croak, "I'll have to find other places to leave my mark." She shuddered as I drug my mouth down her waist, holding her to the floor by gripping her left hand. I bit her thigh as hard as I could and she choked out a cry of elation. "You love it," I sneered.

"All of you, Malfoy—I want you to shag me—please shag me," she whimpered, running her hands through her wild hair.

"Touch me, Granger. Make me hard again—"

"I'll be back, Malfoy. We need a condom. Get yourself ready for me," she instructed in a quiet voice before rising up and kissing my neck, her tongue trailing into my ear. "Think about touching me—"

"No, I was going to think about my Defence Against the Dark Arts Essay," I said with a roll of my eyes. "It's so brilliant it shall make me hard instantly."

"Seriously?" Granger asked with wide-eyes and stuck her hand down my trousers. "Because that is so hot."

I held back a laugh. Was she joking!? She really was a crazy nutter! Any will to smirk or make a jab at her inability to discern when I was joking disappeared as she slipped her cool palm inside my briefs and felt the length of my soft shaft. I grunted as she tugged it slowly, making it hard. Pre-come seeped out of the head and she pumped it more vigorously. "Hermione", I murmured, "ah—that's good."

"I'll be right down," she whispered. She pulled her hand out and flashed me a furtive smile before dashing out of the parlor.

Without a thought, I wrenched off my trousers, then my pants and kicked them onto the floor before crawling a foot or so to the pillow I'd laid out. I reclined again, staring up at the high ceiling as I thrust my fist over my cock with my tongue between my teeth in concentration. Crookshanks appeared at my feet and made a mew of concern.

"You cheeky little bastard," I said. I cupped my sac with my other hand and gave a whimpering sigh.

"Are you ready?" Granger was standing before me, stark naked, with condom and lubricant in hand. I'd never seen a more beautiful site aside from perhaps Justin Fitch-Fletchley petrified in second year. Salazar, that bloke is annoying as fuck. It was nice to have some peace from his awful prattling voice.

I turned and exhaled quickly, pulling my sweaty bangs from my eyes. "Give me that right now. And then I want you to ride my cock, Granger—"

"Are you sure you can handle it? It's not too much in your poor delicate condition?" she said with a small grin.

"I said ride my cock not sit yourself on my middle, Granger. Ugh, but either way it would be worth it—I'm so bloody hard and I can't go another second without being inside you," I grunted. She knelt down and affixed my cock with the condom, pulling it down and tweaking the bubbling elastic tip. When she rubbed lube over my erection, I thought I'd explode right there. I lounged back further, hands behind my head, as I surveyed her nude body. "Drop down on me, Granger. Slowly and carefully. I want to feel every part of you."

She sighed out a moan as she willingly listened to my request. I growled out a sound of approval as I felt her envelope my rock-hard member. At a sluggish, delicious pace she dropped down little by little until I knew she was as far over me as she could manage. I grunted again as she pulled up ever so slightly and then dropped down. I sneered, watching her every move through heavily lidded eyes. "Shit, Granger—you're fucking fit. You're absolutely incredible," I gasped as she bucked her hips against my cock, dropping down again.

A few ornaments fell off the nearby Christmas tree and we laughed.

"You feel good," she muttered, "you fill me up so well—"

"Not all wonky and badly sized like Krum? Wasn't any fun at all with him, was it?" I moaned out, wrapping my hands around her waist and helping her bounce by lifting her up by the hips over my shaft.

She was quiet for a moment and then rose up on my dick, sighing out in pleasure. "Not like Viktor's at all. It wasn't even worth shagging him in the end. You're the perfect size, Malfoy."

"I'm not too small?" I moaned, thrusting up into her.

"Small?" she laughed. "You're hardly small at all. You feel amazing inside me—your cock is great—"

"Oh yeah…Faster, a bit faster," I urged, using my hands on her waist to help her bounce on me. I thrust up into her sharply as hard as I could and let out a strained moan of pleasure.

She leaned her head back and yelped. "Ohhh, Malfoy—God— couldn't just sit back and take it, could you? You had to fill me deeper—"

"I couldn't help it—I had to fill you up. I love being inside you, Granger," I responded hoarsely. I thrust into her again and dug my nails into her hips. "Ah, Salazar—I don't want to come—"

"Fuck me, Malfoy—don't hold back—don't you dare hold back-"

"No, Granger, slow. Slow, Granger—slow again—slow again—"

She fell into the same heavy rising motion and grabbed my bangs, pulling me up to kiss her mouth. "You're so good, Malfoy. I can't believe it sometimes—"

"Granger—I—ah—" I gritted my teeth and gripped her arse with one hand. "I'm close! Keep talking, I want to hear you talk about me, I love when you talk about me—"

"Your body is fantastic," she moaned. "I love feeling you inside me. I like your lips, your tongue, your teeth—your hands on my back… When you look me over and I know you're dying for a shag. Those sad eyes you make when you think you're not going to get one. Your cock filling me. Your long fingers—"

"Yes, you like those inside your twat four at a time," I groaned.

"Your entire hand inside me, your voice in my ear, your laugh, your stupid laugh," she whispered with a light chortle. "You're dreadful but you're a dreadful good shag—"

"I'm dreadful," I growled throatily. "Ah, I'm going to come—slam yourself down on me. Do it—"

"Yes, Malfoy—I want you to come," she said, and in a well-placed motion she gripped my hands and pushed her nice, slick, tight hole down around my shaft. The shift felt fantastic but it was her high moan that drove me to the brink.

"I'm coming, oh yes, I'm coming," I announced, closing my eyes and thrusting up to meet her. I let my dick stay firmly pressed inside her with all my might as I felt myself losing control and releasing my load inside. "Ah, yes, Hermione, yes—that's so fantastic…" My face slightly pink and my expression tiredly jubilant, I had only just pulled out and flopped back down on the pillow when Granger's eyes widened and she pointed her finger in my face.

"That's three times!" she said loudly in the same bossy tone she used in class. "I'm sorry but I just can't keep quiet anymore!"

I threw her a strange look. "Three times? Three times what?"

"That's three times you've called me HERMIONE!" she burst out.

"What? When did I say 'Hermione'?" I muttered, my legs and privates still tingling amazingly. I sighed, content.

"Just now!" she insisted. "As you came!"

I forced a shrug. It hardly meant anything as it was just part of the charade of the day. "You're stupid," I grinned with a laugh. I tugged one of her curls. "I called you Hermione all morning in front of your parents, that's all—"

"You called me Hermione last night as you came, too!" she said loudly in a tone of triumphant excitement. "Not Mudblood, not Granger. Hermione—"

I scowled. "What's this leading to? You can hardly take what I say when I come seriously, Granger—" and then I had an "AH HA" moment. "Besides, you've called me Draco!"

"Ah, but I never had an aversion to using your first name. I use Malfoy and Draco interchangeably but you've never called me Hermione until last night!" she asserted with a self-important smile. Sure, she was still naked, but I was so annoyed I did not even notice her succulent tits.

"I have no idea what you're getting at," I said, my scowl getting more pronounced. "Alright, it's over. Get off," I commanded in a sharp tone, and reached over for my trousers and briefs. "If you want to make something out of this, do it, Granger. But sod off if you think it really means something!"

She laughed loudly and shook her head, moving aside so I could get up. I had the very strong urge to shout but I had to keep composed or else I was just going to look stupid. "Malfoy, you are such an open book! Of course it means something. Hermione instead of Mudblood? Look, I know it doesn't mean you love me or fancy me or whatever have you, but it means you're not only thinking of me as a disposable object and I think you're making great emotional progress!"

I stared blankly at her, halfway through putting my trousers on. "I have no idea what the hell you mean, you crazy nut!"

"It's obvious you're right crap at enjoying sex unless you're being cruel and acting as if none of it matters to you. I'm just pointing out the fact that your subconscious is referring to me as Hermione and not Mudblood. Not that I really care about you calling me a Mudblood. It holds no significance to me, but obviously it's part of some fantasy for you. I suppose I can see how shagging a Muggle-born girl would be very forbidden to a Pureblood wizard. And it rather seems like you are enjoying yourself! I think that's fantastic," she said in a formal, congratulatory tone before pulling her bra and jumper over her head.

"What in the blazes am I to you anyway? I'm not a boyfriend. That much is clear. I'm beginning to think I'm homework for you. Some sort of special project? Are you looking to gain extra credit by getting me to say your name during sex? Trying to get me to open up?" I scoffed loudly. "Good luck, Granger." I buttoned my trousers and grabbed for my shirt. I buttoned it carelessly. "Enjoy the rest of your break," I said frigidly and with that I headed out the front door, slamming it behind me.

I was only a few meters past her front gate when I realised I'd completely forgotten to grab my broom. "Oh piss it," I muttered, shaking my head. I charged back through the Grangers' garden and stomped inside the house. Granger looked to be holding back a smile and I glared at her, heading toward the kitchen. I seized my broom and made to walk past the living room when Granger sighed loudly.

"Hey!" she proclaimed. I ignored her, stamping back to the front door. "HEY!" I heard her footsteps behind me. She lightly touched my arm.

I wheeled around, shaking her off me. "See you at school, Granger," I said in a frosty voice.

"You are so incredibly difficult!" Granger snapped, clucking her tongue. In a fast move, she got in front of me and blocked the door. "Just stop!"

"Apparently you didn't notice but this conversation's over," I replied curtly. "Out of my way."

She put her hands on my shoulders. "Stop being so moody! So what! You said my real name. You're not my project. I like having sex with you and I didn't mean to make you self-conscious—"

"I'm NOT self-conscious!" I replied with a pout.

"Honestly, I was right! You really are a twitchy little ferret," she said with a chuckle.

I narrowed my eyes into slits. "THAT IS NOT OKAY TO SAY UNLESS WE ARE HAVING SEX!" I shouted.

"Fine, fine," she replied, making a face. "Wow, I really should have listened to—well, never mind. You can hardly stand not being the one in control of the teasing—"

"It just doesn't work that way," I told her stiffly. "And what should you have listened to?"

"Nevermind," she said instantly. "You can go. But don't forget your toothpaste or else my parents will be asking me to bring it for you at school. And that would certainly be interesting."

I smirked despite myself. "Her-moi-nee, what's with you givin' toothbrushes to Malfoy? Gaw!" I demanded in a very accurate impression of Weasley's accent. I cleared my throat and went on in an imitation of Potter's grave, quick-paced voice: "Yes, Hermione, if you fraternize with Malfoy, you'll lead Voldemort straight into Hogwarts! By the way, I have a scar and I speak to snakes! And Professor Snape is suspicious! Blah blah, I'm a hero, blah."

"My friends wouldn't be the only ones with something to say," Granger snickered.

I immediately raised my voice into an enthusiastic, piercing pitch. "Draaaaaaco, don't you daaare accept packages from Mudbloods! Ugh, I can't be seen around you anymore! You're damaged goods, dah-ling, damaged goods!" I threw my head back and flipped my wrist. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

Granger looked at me charily. "Oh my god. That was a bit too accurate."

I continued talking in the Pansy voice I'd perfected over the past thirteen years: "Oh, Graaanger, what on earth are you doing shagging my dear friend Draaaco!?"

"Ugh!" Granger exclaimed. "If I snog you, will you stop talking like that?"

"Snooog me?" I squealed. And then, in an enraged girlish shout, "I'll tell you what I tell Millie every night at bedtime! I am NOT a LESBIAN!"

She flung her arms around my neck and planted a kiss on my lips. Despite still wanting to show off my painstakingly well-crafted parodies of all of our various dunderheaded classmates, I pressed my lips against hers and ran my hands across her back. Granger tenderly ran a hand through my hair and I inadvertently moaned into her mouth, softly pulling on her bottom lip with my teeth.

"I like when you kiss like that, Draco," Granger said in a quiet voice, her lips moving to the corner of my mouth, then to my chin, then over to my ear. "You're quite talented with your mouth."

"Best kisser you've had?" I murmured against her cheek. The second the words came out of my mouth, I really did not care to know the answer. After all, I really didn't want to be lectured about my need to be competitive. But more so I didn't want to hear about how nobody could top Vicky Krum.

But to my surprise, Granger brought her lips to my cheek and said simply, "Yes."

Despite myself, I grinned smugly and gathered myself. "Not surprising," I said. "So uh, "I went on loftily, "when am I going to get a shag from you again?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," Granger replied properly. "I'll likely be too busy until school starts but I'm certain I'll have time as soon as we get our new course load when winter term begins. I'll definitely need a release after a few weeks of homework—"

That was going to be a month from now. Maybe even more. I was somewhat irritated (scratch that: I was internally frothing at the mouth) but did my best not to let it show. "Right-o. I'd better be going. First I must take my Christmas gift, and I'll be on my way." I released Granger and headed to the couch, grabbing the bag of dentistry items. In my head, I was trying to calculate the days I'd have to wait to get laid. It wasn't looking good, I tell you!

"You're really not worried about your mum asking questions?" Granger asked, running a hand through her hair.

I shook my head. "Mother stays out of my room. She hasn't been in my room without knocking since I was ten years old. I think she's afraid she'll catch me masturbating. It would shatter her pristine image of me."

Granger wrinkled her nose. "That's nice—oh! My mum wanted you to take home the rest of the cookies. Just in case you were to be on the verge of death and need a pick-me-up," she said wryly.

"Thank you but no thank you. I think I've had more than my fair share. In fact I think all of that intense shagging might bring on a stomach ache," I grimaced, rubbing my middle. "I'm very sensitive."

"You know, maybe this is a lesson for you to not take in your entire weekly caloric intake in the course of one meal. You really should eat three times a day, with a few healthy snacks in between. It would do you well to be on a better eating schedule, Draco. Especially at school. How on earth do you expect to have energy for exams and homework?" she asked me worriedly before crossing over to the bathroom. She emerged seconds later with two flat pink disks in her palm.

"Are you seriously giving me a speech about diet, Granger? You are such a pain," I smirked at her.

"If you do happen to feel ill later, eat these and they'll help you," she instructed me bossily. "And don't look at me like that. It's not poison—"

"I suppose I'll trust you wouldn't murder such a brilliant kisser. Still, I don't need your Muggle candy. I can just take a tonic later."

"It's not candy. Just take it!" Granger snapped, and slapped it into my free palm.

"Ugh, fine." I slipped the tablets into my pocket and scanned the room, wondering whether I'd forgotten anything else, when I got a genius idea. "I'll be taking these with me as well," I announced and grabbed Granger's pants off the rug. "If you want these pants back, you're going to have to meet me the day we go back to King's Cross before school starts. And we'll shag at a place of my choice. I'll owl you." I smirked, ecstatic I was so quick on my feet.

Granger reddened a bit, crossing her arms over her tits. But instantly, she gave me an incredulous look instead. "Really, Draco? You think I'll fall into that ploy? This isn't like the first time you had my pants. You can keep that pair for all I care. I have enough in my dresser to last me a month!"

I caught her eyes and my mouth curled into a most wicked smirk. I grabbed my broom from the corner where I'd propped it up. At that very moment, Granger seemed to understand where my mind was going because she gasped and cried out, "No! Malfoy! Don't you dare!"

And then, it was a race. Granger had the lead on me since she was closer to the staircase but I sped past her, pretending I was doing my nightly Quidditch exercises. I pinched Granger's hip on my way toward the stairs and she squealed a muffled word of protest. I pounded up the stairs but I could hear her gaining on me. At once I whipped around the corner, turned right and slid into her room. Crookshanks cocked his head and yowled from his place on the bed.

"Yes, interesting isn't it!" I proclaimed to him in a cordial voice. He blinked at me with an affectionate gaze. My own gaze flicked about the room and I spied a medium-sized purple wardrobe near her closet.

"Malfoy! No!" Granger yelled, but she was half-laughing as she flung herself at my waist and tried to hold me back. I shoved her off and ran to the wardrobe, chucking each drawer open and surveying the contents. Color-coded jeans, skirts, and leggings were in the top compartment, followed by jumpers and blouses arranged like the rainbow. She rushed up behind me and pulled at my arms but I wasn't about to let up.

"Salazar, Hermione! This is worse than my father's closet!" I declared, wrenching open the next drawer. "Ah! Here we are, lovely." The third drawer was also arranged by color, and a plethora of pants and socks lay neatly in rows. Without a second thought, I grabbed a great fistful of underpants and stuffed them into my bag of dental items. I grabbed another bunch and stuck them in my back pockets. At this point I was in possession of at least thirty pairs of Granger's panties. Only a scant amount remained in the drawer.

As quickly as I could, I unlocked her window and hopped onto my broom. "You'll be receiving instruction on how to retrieve your pants! But for now, farewell, Granger!" I yelled out and with that I took off into the dreary winter sky, laughing maniacally.

Behind me, I only made out three words: "Damn you, Malfoy!"

. . .

I arrived home in the late afternoon to an empty manor which was fortunate. Lord Voldemort knows what I would have said to my mother if she'd seen me with a sack of toothpaste and panties. I was able to hide the bag beneath my bed, after adding the pants from my pocket to my enormous supply. Of course, moments later I had to remove the bag from under my bed in order to stare at some of Granger's sexiest pants whilst I jerked off, but then I hid it away again.

My forehead beaming with sweat and my body tingling, I flopped back on my pillows and was completely ready to pass out but I felt an uncomfortable, poking sensation on my back. I turned around and found two envelopes. There was a note in Mother's handwriting attached to the first envelope: Dear Dragon, the letters arrived this morning. I hope your Christmas was not altogether too depressing and that you were able to spend time with friends! Who knows how much time you have left to see them. I love you. Stay strong. I've gone out with Claudette Parkinson for the day. She insisted we have 'woman time'. See you as soon as I return (unless I have gouged out my eyes with my wand). With love, Mother.

"That's uplifting," I grumbled and tossed the note aside, surveying the envelope instead. My throat went dry as soon as I read the return address:

INMATE 537
HOLDING CELL #1009697
LEFT OF THE LOOS, THIRD COT ON THE RIGHT
IN C/O AZKABAN PRISON
SOMEWHERE WITHIN THE NORTHSEA
GREAT BRITAIN
UNITED KINGDOM
THE WORLD

To Be Continued.