Chapter 3: In Love On My Own

Dedication: To my Melificient whose green dot lies CONSTANTLY.

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure if I were SM this story would be VERY different. Like...the characters would probably be vampires. Just saying.

"You shimmy

Shook my bones

Leaving me stranded all in love on my own

Do you think of me?

Where am I now? Baby where do I sleep?"

Closer, Kings of Leon

"Are you insane?"

Bella held her cell phone away from her ear, glaring at it as if Edward could actually see her. When the volume of his voice lowered enough that she couldn't understand him, she put the phone gingerly against her ear again.

"You're not going into the middle of a fucking forest with him," Edward was saying.

She balked at the phone. "Excuse me?"

He must have heard the incredulous fury in her voice because he didn't speak right away. She heard him sigh and when he spoke again his voice was a lot calmer. It was also a bit condescending, like one might use on a child who didn't understand why she shouldn't touch the hot, hot stove. "Bella, it's too dangerous. He's too dangerous."

"He's a cop, Edward," she pointed out.

"That only means he knows how to hide a body. Just don't go, Bella," he pleaded. He growled in a frustrated manner when she didn't answer. "Please. I … forbid you to go," he said firmly.

Bella blinked at the phone again because, really, hadn't they just gone over this? "Are you kidding me? Are you really trying to order me around?"

There was a pause. "Is it working?"

"You know me better than that," she chuffed. "Now, not only am I going, but I'm actually going to give him the knife to kill me with."

"Why would he use a knife when he already has a gun?" Bella could tell Edward was trying not to smile, trying to keep his voice stern.

"Don't be dense. He's a cop. If he fired his weapon, they could trace it back to him when they found my body." Familiar chuckles came from the other end of the phone and Bella grinned. She didn't like to think about Edward being so worried for her. "See, you're laughing."

He sighed. "You know I love you, Bella. That's why I don't want to see anything bad happen to you." His voice reeked of sincerity the way many men reeked of cologne.

In all honesty, a small voice in the back of Bella's mind had urged her to call Edward in the first place. Despite the fact that Jasper had been a menacing, teenage asshole, Bella sincerely doubted he was a murderer. Still, it couldn't hurt to let someone know where she was.

Of course, she really hated that he was going to be distracted, worrying about her safety. She made a mental note to text him frequently. "I know you love me. I love you too. That's the only reason I haven't kicked your ass for being so damn pushy."

"Why can't you at least wait until I can get down there? I'll go with you."

Bella rolled her eyes, glad he couldn't see her. "Yeah right, Edward. If he's ready to talk, I'll talk with him on his terms. I know you. You'd go all alpha male on him. Then I wouldn't get anything done until after you'd both put your dicks away."

"Oh, is he prone to whipping it out?"

There was a distinctly lascivious edge to his voice, and Bella rolled her eyes again. "Edward..." she warned.

"Because I guarantee you, I'd win that contest."

"Edward," she tried again, stifling a giggle.

"I'm just saying, Bella. If you need me to bend him over and show him what a real man is, I'll take one for the team. For Alice."

"Edward!"

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Thank you for that visual," she said wryly. "How's Jake?" she asked, looking for a subject change.

The distaste in Edward's voice was palpable. "I had her stuffed."

"Be nice," she admonished. "You know that female cats are very territorial of their owners- that's all. She'll get used to you."

"It's been four years! She still hates me as much now as she did the day we met - remember, when she tried to claw my leg off? I still hate her. I went to give her food like you're making me, and she was hissing at me the whole time. Does she not understand that without me, her bowl would go unfilled? I should just let her suffer," he groused.

"Don't kill my cat, Edward," Bella warned.

"Cats die. It's what they do," he said mischievously.

Before a major argument could ensue, Bella happened to glance out the window in time to see Jasper emerge from an old car that had obviously seen better days. Well, it was much better than going in his cruiser. When she'd gotten her first truck, Bella had sworn that she would never ride in a police cruiser again. "I'm going, Edward."

Another sigh. "Be safe," he said sincerely.

After she hung up, Bella watched Jasper carefully from her second floor window. She was sure to stay well back, half hidden behind the curtain so he probably couldn't see her unless he was really looking.

Bella had wanted, badly, to tell Edward about the, 'he thinks you're beautiful,' thing. She wasn't the type of girl who over-analyzed everything to death, but on the rare occasion she wanted to, Edward and Alice were her go-to people. For obvious reasons she couldn't tell Alice about that little comment, and she wasn't sure Edward would be much better.

Jasper was standing by his car, looking up at the house with a slight grimace on his face. He seemed uncertain. He stroked his chin in a nervous gesture, and Bella was momentarily distracted.

Objectively, Jasper was ridiculously good looking. Dressed as he was today, in jeans and a smart looking jacket, she could easily see why many of the women in town were attracted to him. She reasoned that his comment to Emmett didn't have to mean anything, just like her own observations meant little.

Edward would have offered up a profile of men like Jasper. They were controlling, seeing women as objects and status symbols. If he was taken with her, he could feel her cooperation was his right. Certainly, the defiance she'd already shown was an affront to his personality type.

On the other hand, Jasper didn't show any other warning signs that she could see.

After the boys had left the night previous, Esme had told her that she and her husband had moved to Forks from Ohio several years before.

"I don't really know why I married Charles, now that I think about it," Esme mused, turning her cup of tea around and around on the table. "I suppose many things seem like a good idea when you're twenty years old.

"At first he was a very sweet, giving husband. Gifts and attention - you know. Every girlfriend of mine who met him was jealous," she said softy, the skin around her eyes tightening only barely perceptibly. "Then he started asking a lot of questions. Who was in my classes. What was the name of the boy I said I'd talked to after class. Who was I going out with. Why hadn't I gone home for lunch on Tuesday, and on and on."

She took a long sip of her tea, and Bella couldn't help but notice how her hand shook slightly. "When he moved us over here, away from the prying eyes of the friends he couldn't drive away, he started hitting me."

"I'm sorry," Bella murmured, her heart going out for this woman who had obviously been through so much.

Esme smiled a tight lipped smile and nodded her thanks at Bella's sentiment. "I was very good at hiding his abuse, though for the life of me, I can't quite piece together why I did."

It wasn't unusual, Bella knew well. Especially in cases like Esme's where the abuse worsened over time. It was like a gradual conditioning process.

"Then, almost three years ago now, I met Jasper," Esme continued. "Of all the idiotic things... I burned dinner that night. I went to The Lodge, one of the finer restaurants in town, such as it is, because I was desperate. My plan was to pass their steak dinners off for my own cooking.

"Jasper was there, at the counter. Eating alone. He's almost always eating alone," she said, sounding a little sad. "He struck up a conversation. No matter how many times I tried to politely end the conversation, he wouldn't be shaken. It seemed like it was taking forever for the food to come, especially when he started asking me questions about my husband. They seemed innocent enough, but I was nervous.

"He even followed me out to my car, and I was almost running away from him. But right before I could speed off, he stuck his head in the window and looked me right in the eyes. He said, 'Ma'am, you know - there are people who can help you...if you need it. I mean, if you wanted to follow me to the police station, I could make sure you get anything you need, if there's any problem.'" A single tear slid down Esme's cheek, though she was smiling genuinely at the memory.

"I know I must have stared at him like an absolute idiot. I remember telling him I was fine, and I had no problems. I didn't understand how he seemed to know. I drove home in a daze."

She took a deep breath and smiled bitterly. "Well, the long and short of it is that I found out that night that The Lodge does not know how to cook a rare steak. To this day, I really don't remember what happened all that clearly. All I remember was that one second I was curled up on the kitchen floor with Charles towering over me as he screamed at me, the next minute Jasper was there and Charles was the one on the floor with Jasper's knee digging into his back."

For the first time since she'd begun talking, Esme looked up and right at Bella. "I asked him later how he knew. He said that my voice had trembled when I ordered the meals and that I was very particular about one order, anxious. He said that when he spoke to me, I didn't look him in the eye. In fact, when he spoke to me, my nervousness seemed to increase, and I looked around as if I was about to be caught - as if I was doing something wrong. Then, the more he talked to me, and the longer the food took, my nerves got a lot worse. Finally, when he told me that there was help out there for me, I didn't look confused. I knew what he was talking about. Then he found out from Cora - the waitress - that I'd lived in Forks for years. It's a rarity to not know someone in this town. It's even rarer for a cop not to know someone. He put together that I didn't get out much."

They sat in silence for a few moments, Bella processing everything she'd heard and trying to match this kind soul who would rescue a battered woman, a stranger that he'd never met before, with the person that Alice had always described. "Like I said," Esme spoke softly after a while, "I didn't know Jasper when Alice did. I suppose it's possible that he knew the warning signs because he used to be the cause of them in his own wife." The way she frowned when she said this spoke volumes. There wasn't a part of her that believed it. "Either way, that's not who he is now. I just...thought you should know."

As she watched Jasper square his shoulders and start up the walk, Bella shook off the last of the conversation. She supposed it was good to have a glimpse of the person he could be. If she could keep the conversation civil, maybe she had a chance of getting him to agree to let Alice go without a fight. It didn't hurt to hope.

She made her way downstairs, finding Jasper with Esme in the living room. Jasper's back was to her, his fingers absently stroking at very contented looking cat as he murmured in a low voice. When Esme's eyes flitted to hers, Jasper turned. His eyes automatically gave her a quick once over, taking in her outfit. Bella felt a blush rise to her cheeks. Irritated, she stepped forward quickly - reminding herself that this wasn't a date by a long shot.

"Stay. I'll be right back," Esme said, darting off before either of them could protest.

Then it was awkward.

After a few moments where they both thought of what to say - and failed, Jasper sighed and extended a hand. "Truce?"

Bella raised one eyebrow, looking at his hand but not taking it. "I wasn't aware we were fighting."

He gave her a look, not bothering to drop his hand. "You know this is hard for me. I don't think you can fully grasp why, but I can also tell that you love Alice. I know you're trying to protect her and do what's right by her. I can't be anything but grateful for that." He paused, letting that sink in as Bella blinked back at him. He gestured with his hand again. "So what do you say? Truce?"

Biting her lip for another moment, Bella finally stepped forward, putting her hand in his. "Truce," she agreed.

Jasper squeezed her hand, the small smile on his face conveying his sincerity. "Thank you."

They were interrupted then, as Esme came back. She pushed a basket into Jasper's hands. "Lunch," she explained. Jasper opened his mouth to protest but Esme cut him off. "It's already made and in your hands. You can't say no. Go on."

There really wasn't any way to argue that point. In the next minute they were both buckled into their seats and on the road.

Bella spoke first. "So, Olympic National Park is huge. What part are we going to?"

"It's a little over a half hour drive, and then a short hike to Sol Duc Falls," he answered.

A nervous sense of dread crept into Bella's belly. She wasn't what anyone would refer to as outdoorsy. She'd managed to resist almost all of her father's camping trips growing up. Somehow, she didn't think that struggling up rocky cliffs was the way to keep the upper hand in any discussion with him. Maybe he'd planned it that way.

"A short hike," he repeated, obviously seeing the anxiety that she struggled to keep off her face. "It's not even a mile, and all of it is on well worn, fairly flat trail."

Letting out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding, Bella settled back in her seat.

The rest of the drive was filled with stilted conversation. Jasper asked about her life before giving in and quietly asking after Alice. Deciding it was good for him to know how well she was doing without her, Bella gave small details about her life. Alice had a keen attention to detail that made her an excellent editor. She'd climbed ranks quickly, and her career looked to be long and prosperous. She was a vivacious, fiercely strong woman with many friends - though Edward and Bella were definitely the closest to her.

Still, not feeling as vindictive as she had expected to be, Bella tip-toed around the subject of Felix. On that token, Jasper continued to surprise her. She could see that he clung to every word, and when she spoke of Alice's many accomplishments he always smiled. The pride was easy to read. Then he all but shocked her into silence when he asked about Felix.

"He's good with her. Very gentle. He's the only man she's trusted in all these years."

"He loves her," Jasper said, almost to himself. "I saw it in the way he looked at her in those photos."

"He does," Bella confirmed simply.

Jasper was quiet after that, and Bella thought it best to let him think.

By then they'd arrived at their destination. Deciding to leave Esme's lunch for when they got back, they set off down the trail - well marked and trodden as Jasper had promised.

Bella found herself enjoying the walk. The cold air cooled her body just enough to cover the exertion of their brisk pace. There wasn't a doubt that the forest was gorgeous. The colors here were so much richer than the washed out colors of the city.

Conversation was surprisingly easy between the two of them. This time they stuck to neutral comments. They actually found a similarity in the cars they preferred. Jasper confessed that he could easily afford a newer car, but where was the fun in that? New cars lacked personality.

"And reliability," Bella agreed before telling him about her first vehicle - a monster of a truck that was older than her father.

As the dull roar of the distant falls got closer, they lapsed into a comfortable silence,

Bella was certainly confused. If she didn't think too hard about what she was here to do and didn't think about all the stories that Alice had told, she found that she actually liked Jasper. A lot. That in and of itself was a rarity for her. People, like their cars, were largely uninteresting, but Jasper held her attention easily. And he made her smile.

She was still lost in thought when the waterfall came into view. "Beautiful," she said perfunctorily. It was breathtaking, but her mind was heavy with questions.

The person that Jasper seemed to be was completely at odds with the person she'd built in her head from Alice's descriptions. Alice had undoubtedly been bullied and controlled. Bella had been witness to her battle to overcome her paralyzing anxiety. That kind of behavior didn't come from no where.

Bella was smart enough to understand that men like Jasper Whitlock were masters at what they did. How else would otherwise intelligent women fall prey to controlling, abusive assholes? It was a process, and they always seemed so nice and charming on the outside.

Was she being duped?

As she thought, they'd walked to the center of a bridge overlooking the falls. She looked up in time to see his hand coming at her. Instinctively, she ducked back and away from him.

Jasper froze, staring at her with wide eyes. Then he spread his palm out in a peace-making gesture and reached forward again - slowly. He flicked something off her shoulder and Bella flinched. "There was a spider," he explained.

Feeling embarrassed, Bella couldn't find much to say besides, "Oh."

"You thought I was going to hit you," he said dully. "You think I'm capable of that." He sighed and looked away from her, leaning heavily on the railing of the bridge, just watching the water with sad eyes.

Bella stared at his profile, torn. Part of her wanted to call him out on this act. Most of her believed that it wasn't an act. She felt his heartache as if he was projecting it from the defeated slouch of his body. Thinking back on what Esme had told her and what she had observed, Bella allowed herself to entertain the notion that Jasper was a changed man. Still, he could hardly expect her to just trust him - not after the way they met and not after everything she'd heard from Alice.

Stepping up to the railing next to him, Bella too stared down at the the thundering water. "I don't know what to think about you. When I met Alice... look, she was a wreck, okay? She was completely anxiety ridden and skittish. She flinched at raised voices and didn't look people in the eyes when she did speak to them. What am I supposed to think about you?"

Jasper didn't speak right away. Even out of her peripheral vision she could see he was upset. His hands were white knuckled as they rested on the wet wood. His jaw and shoulders were rigid with contained emotion. He breathed deeply and swallowed several times before he finally spoke. "I didn't do that to her."

Anger flashed through Bella's body like fire, instantly evaporating any sympathy she might have had for him. "Don't give me that bullshit. What, you're going to tell me she was acting?"

"I didn't say that," he said quickly, still not looking at her. His voice was even as he spoke. "I said I didn't do that to her. Someone did, but it wasn't me. I know she thinks it was me, but it wasn't."

"Is this where you tell me you have an evil twin brother?" Bella sneered.

Jasper's head bowed and he let out a frustrated growl. He pushed away from railing and walked briskly across the bridge, his hands shoved in his pockets. Bella followed after him. "You brought me out here to talk and now you're walking away?" she demanded.

"I don't know why I thought this was a good idea," he said out of the corner of his mouth. He stopped short on the trail, causing Bella to barrel into him. Automatically, his hands came out, steadying her. For a split second, she was completely overwhelmed by how warm he was. The day was chilly, and though she wasn't entirely uncomfortable, it was the kind of weather that would have made a roaring fire one of the best things in the world. Like the fire, Jasper's body seemed to have a pull. She wanted to curl closer to him.

Hurriedly, she stepped away from him. Whatever had passed between them took the antagonistic atmosphere that had surrounded them only moments before to a much calmer level. "Look," Jasper started, his tone lacking the frustrated edge, "I'll explain it to you, but you have to promise to listen. Listen first, and then decide if you don't believe me. What do you say?"

Bella thought carefully. Recognizing that there was nothing but sound logic in his request, she nodded. "Okay," she agreed.

Jasper looked relieved. He nodded his head at that trail. "Come on. There's a little shelter just a ways over here. We can sit and talk."

The shelter they came across just a few minutes later was dank and musty, but it was far enough from the falls that they didn't have to shout over the rushing water, and it did have a bench. Once they were settled, Jasper began.

"Alice's parents and my parents grew up together. They were friends. Her parents were … flighty. They took off, sometimes for months. When Alice got to be around school age they tried to stick around, that much was true. They would still take off for a couple weeks here and there. Alice missed a lot of school. It was lucky she was smart or she never would have gotten through it.

"Then, when we were in junior high, they started to take off for longer periods of time. After the first couple of times, my mom told them that she could stay with us."

Jasper's eyes tightened, flashing with an old, aching anger. "It hurt her, you can't imagine how bad it hurt her every time they drove away. They missed everything… all of her recitals, all of her awards. The way I figure, those are the type of scars that run so deep, you can't ever forget them.

"Around our sophomore year of high school was when she met James." Jasper's voice turned hard as he spoke, his fists clenching unconsciously. "I think it's pretty understandable that Alice was real needy for love, and James was the type of asshole who preyed on that. He was older than us – which always made me uncomfortable. I tried to convince her to stay away from him, but she wouldn't listen to me.

"They started dating seriously during our junior year. He'd be all sweet to her sometimes, that was true enough, but if Alice pissed him off, he'd be all sorts of nasty. He yelled at her, he berated her, he pushed her around. He told her who she could and couldn't hang out with. You can't imagine the fights they got in over me, but he couldn't keep her away from me – we lived in the same house often enough. He did everything short of hit her." Jasper was practically speaking through clenched teeth at that point.

Though Bella hadn't known all that about Alice's parents – Alice said they left her with Jasper's family occasionally, but she hadn't made it sound nearly as bad as Jasper had – what Jasper was saying about this James was very familiar, except, when Alice told the story, it was Jasper who'd done all those nasty things.

Jasper took a deep breath, calming himself visibly. "It was just after graduation that she called me very late one night. She was wandering the streets of Port Angeles. She was crying and alone. I swear the drive out to Port Angeles was the longest forty minutes of my life," he chuffed, his voice trailing off into nothing at the end. He took another breath. "When I finally got to her, she told me she was pregnant."

He paused then because Bella started visibly. Shock seared her thoughts white for one, two, three full seconds before her mind was crowded. "Pregnant? She never… she didn't…" she stumbled.

"She was terrified," Jasper continued quietly. "James had taken her out for dinner – that's what they were doing in Port Angeles – and she told him. Of course, he didn't want anything to do with her or the baby.

"Now, hypocritical as it is, Alice's folks were very traditional. I took her home, and the whole way she was just crying and crying. She thought they would disown her. And she was right, they would have. I brought her to my house, and I held her all night until she cried herself to sleep in my arms. "

His lips quirked up then in a gentle smile as he recalled the next part of his story. "I didn't sleep at all that night. The next day, I brought her here…to this waterfall. There's not a hell of a lot to do in Forks… and this park was always something we enjoyed to do together," he said wistfully.

"So, I brought her here and I told her that I'd loved her since we were kids – since before I knew what love was. I said I'd take responsibility. I'd say it was my baby, and I meant it too." He gave a small shrug, staring off, not really seeing what was in front of him as he remembered. "It was believable enough. Hell, everyone in this godforsaken town knew I was in love with her…except for her of course.

"We left that day…straight from here. Ran off to Vegas, got married. Our parents were disappointed, sure. But you know – we were young and in love. We were going to make it work. Three of the police officers in town were set to retire, and I knew they needed fresh meat. I got on the fast track to becoming a police officer. It seemed like good, honest work,"

Bella got up then, too agitated to sit still anymore. She began pacing the length of the shelter. "None of this makes any sense," she mumbled, almost to herself. "Why wouldn't she remember any of this? I don't understand."

"It's not her fault," Jasper said, watching her with just his eyes. "The accident occurred when she was seven months pregnant," he began thickly. "It was bad, Bella. Really bad. You can't imagine… it was gruesome. Like…Frankenstein sized stitches all over her head… under her hair, she's like a jigsaw puzzle. She was in a coma for weeks." He looked down at his hands. "And she lost the baby."

Bella stopped pacing, grief hitting her hard at the thought of Alice hurt to that extent. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a baby.

"When she did wake up," Jasper continued, "she had a selective sort of amnesia. She remembered parts of our past, but not all of it. And when memories came back to her she… she mixed them up. James and I were very similar in build. I wore my hair long, like he did, back then. I don't know what caused it. All I know was that after she woke up from the accident, she held me responsible for a lot of what James did…even for a lot of the abandonment issues that her parents caused. Only I didn't know she thought that until it was too late. She was quiet when I came to visit, and then the doctors started turning me away."

He rubbed his forehead absently with one hand, his eyes taking on that sad expression she'd glimpsed out by the waterfall. "Then, one day I tried to visit her and she wasn't there. She'd just…disappeared. She hadn't gone home. There was a nurse who worked there. He had the night shift and used to talk to me when she was in a coma. I never did leave her side then. He was the one who told me all the things that Alice thought. He told me that she'd left the hospital to get away from me."

Sitting down heavily, Bella put her head in her hands, trying to think.

"You still love her?" she asked finally.

"Yes. Very much so," he answered, his words sounding so tired - forlorn, almost.

Her thoughts felt thick - harder to process like logs on the river after a flood. They couldn't flow smoothly. They bumped and caught against debris on the shorelines even as the current struggled to pull them forward. "And what do you want, Jasper? Do you think that if she knew all this that she would leave Felix and come back to you?" she demanded.

Jasper was quiet for a too long moment. He stood, facing away from her. She was beginning to recognize that he did this when he didn't want her to see the emotion on his face. "Do I want her back? Well, yeah. I do. But I'm not an idiot. I know she's not the same girl I remember. I know that she's done all she can to move on past me - past her life here. I'm not... I'm not trying to win her back, if that's what you're asking. I love her, and it's enough to know she's happy.

"But Bella, I need her to know that it wasn't me. I can't stand that she thinks I'm the one that hurt her. All I've ever done was love her." He paused, turning back toward her though he still didn't look up. "I don't think I can ever settle... I don't think I can move on unless I know that she knows. I would never hurt her."

The silence in the little shelter was almost eerie with its heaviness. Bella felt tears prick at her eyes as she tried to grasp the enormity of what he wanted her to believe. If it was true...

If he had lived all these years knowing that Alice was out there, blaming him for a situation that he'd tried desperately to get her out of ...

She struggled to comprehend it.

Oblivious to the dampness on the ground, Jasper went to her and knelt before her so that he could look her in the eyes. "I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't listen. And how could I blame her for that? If I was James, I wouldn't have wanted her to listen to me either. This...you... are my last chance for any kind of peace." His eyes were intense - endless in their pain and in the way he pleaded. "Do you believe me?"

Bella bit her lip so hard that she nearly drew blood. "I don't know," she admitted.

He studied her for another moment and then nodded. "It's enough that you're not dismissing me outright."

"I need to think," Bella said as if he hadn't spoken.

He nodded slowly and then smiled a sad smile that nearly broke her already aching heart. "I've waited all this time. I can wait a little longer."

A/N: Oye vey. Again. I apologize for the time between updates and the lack of review replies. Real life is consistently trying to drag me back into the land of no mojo. I'm putting up a fight though. I'm winning! Hopefully I'll be able to beat the bastard.

I wrote a J/B o/s that you can find on my profile. It's called Where We Overlap, so give that a looksee if you wish.

Thanks to josieswan for beta work!

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