Chapter 7: Broken By the Rules of Love
Dedication: Jeez Melly, don't you ever get tired of seeing your name up here?
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
"What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do,"
~Do What You Have To Do, Sarah McLachlan
For the length of one breath, Bella was frozen. Her mind and heart seemed to stop, not comprehending what was happening. All she registered was a distinct thrill that raced through her like a shock of static electricity, except pleasurable instead of unpleasant. Then, her body kicked into overdrive. She wrapped her arms around Jasper's neck, throwing herself into the kiss. He moaned softly against her mouth, shocked by her sudden eagerness. His hands, at her waist, pressed into her skin.
When they parted, both breathless, neither of them made any move to back away. Bella felt one of Jasper's hands lift from her waist a few seconds before she felt his hesitant touch on her cheek. He traced the pad of his thumb down, stroking once over her lips as her eyes fluttered open. His eyes, as he looked on her, were soft and unsure, but wanting. Her fingers brushed through the strands of hair at the back of his neck, and she could imagine her eyes reflected those same emotions.
Moving his thumb beneath her chin, Jasper bent down slightly and pressed his lips to hers again. This kiss was not as voracious as the first. It was sweeter … and deeper. Their eyes closed again as their mouths opened, tongues lapping gently together. Bella sighed contently as she all but melted against him, letting his arms support her. Her hands dropped from his neck to his shoulders, and then rested on his chest.
She felt the chain he always wore, and the two simple, gold rings that hung on it, at the same time he remembered they were there.
They parted abruptly, both staggering one step back. "I'm sorry," Bella breathed automatically.
"No I… I," Jasper stumbled. "I've got to go," he finished lamely.
Desperately needing to clear her head, Bella could only nod. There was an awkward moment as neither of them knew quite how to say goodbye. "Oh. I meant to ask you. Can I come over tomorrow?"
Jasper's eyebrows shot up in surprise.
"To finish. I mean. To go through the rest of the boxes," she explained hurriedly.
"Oh," Jasper rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah. No problem. Just drop by at your convenience. I'll be home all day." He walked backward a few steps, giving her a small smile. "Goodnight, Bella."
"Goodnight," she echoed, climbing the steps. She hated the stilted feeling that suddenly existed between them, but at the same time she didn't know what to do about it. Defeated, she waved once before going inside the house.
The hallway was well lit – Esme no doubt having left the lights on for her. Bella almost wished it weren't. Right now she wished there was a hole to climb into. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the closed front door instead, putting her fingers to her lips and trying hard not to cry.
Her emotions were befuddled, taking her down several paths at once. It was impossible to deny her attraction to Jasper. He was a good man, and she'd felt so at ease with him all evening. She had such sympathy for his situation, and a strong desire to soothe his obvious pain.
And the kiss.
God, she still felt the heat of his body against hers. She ran her fingers over her lips, replaying how it felt when he kissed her. She'd had a few good kisses in her life, but they were no comparison. This kiss was, far and away, the best she'd ever experienced. She'd felt the heated thrill from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. His taste – slightly bitter from the alcohol and minty and masculine – was ingrained in her memory, and she craved it like chocolate.
But he was her best friend's husband.
Even under the best of circumstances, messing around with a friend's ex was never a good idea. Their situation was hardly the best of circumstances. Guilt pummeled her with the force of a hurricane wind. She gasped out loud at the outright pain of it.
Bella forced herself to push off the door, needing a distraction from the crippling emotion that ran through her. She tried to reason her way through what she felt.
It was simple. It didn't matter that she was attracted to Jasper; that would fade in time. Some men were simply not for her, just like Edward.
As she let herself into her room, trying to ignore the way her hands shook, Bella recalled Jasper's sympathetic smile in the bar when she told him about Edward. 'It must have been hard,' he'd said. She'd answered that she'd never lost him, so in a way it was easier than it could have been.
She crawled into the big, comfortable, but unfamiliar bed, pulling all the blankets around her and failing to feel any warmth.
Somehow, it felt like she was losing a lot now.
~0~
Bella's head was pounding when she woke up. It took her moments to wake up enough that she registered the thoroughly irritating noise was her ringtone for Alice. It was the Pocket Full of Sunshine song. Alice had put it in her phone knowing full well that Bella was too lazy to change it and that the song was so irritating, Bella would always answer as soon as possible just to get the damn thing to shut the hell up.
The phone had stopped its assault on her ears by the time she found it. Bella was a split second from hitting redial when the memories of the previous night came rushing back to her.
The thrill she'd felt every time their fingers brushed as they played mahjong.
The way his smile gave her a warm, pleased feeling in the pit of her belly.
His hands on her waist, pulling her against him.
The absolute perfection of their first kiss.
"Fuck," she said under her breath, falling forward into her hands against the blanket. She was startled upright, her head screaming in protest, when her phone rang again.
"Hello?" Bella answered hesitantly, telling herself that there was no way Alice could know what had happened the night before. After all, the girl wasn't psychic.
"Hey. It sounds like I woke you," Alice said, sounding like her normal, chipper self.
Bella cleared her throat. "Um. Yeah," she offered.
"What were you up to last night?" Alice laughed. "I know Forks doesn't have a nightlife."
Guilt was a crippling emotion, and Bella struggled to swallow it down enough to reply. "I just couldn't sleep, that's all."
"Seriously, Bella, I called to see how you were doing. I'm worried about you, down there all alone. I felt better when Edward and Carlisle were there," Alice said, her tone honestly concerned.
"Don't worry about me," Bella said flatly.
"Edward said he was being civil," Alice pressed.
"Alice, really. He's fine. He's being really nice," Bella said firmly. The part of her that desperately wished she could gab with her best friend about this great guy she'd met screamed at the word 'nice.' There were such better adjectives. "He tells me a lot about the good things in your relationship," she said carefully.
When her friend didn't reply, Bella spoke again, her tone soft and unassuming. "He told me about William."
Alice's breath staggered. "Oh," she said in a tiny voice.
"You never told me." She may have been a crummy friend for doing what she'd done last night, but Bella was still Alice's best friend. Things like husbands and babies were not secrets you were supposed to keep from your best friend.
"I don't know how to feel about William," Alice admitted, her voice shaky. "After the accident, I didn't remember, immediately, that I had been pregnant. The doctors told me about him, but I never saw him.
"I don't know if I ever told you much about the accident, but it gave me a lot of memory problems. The doctors told me that it was possible that some of my fantasies from before might feel like memories. I remembered that when I told Jasper, he reacted horribly. He called me such horrible names, and he didn't want the baby. I think it must have been a fantasy, but I also remembered lying in bed with him, and he was singing songs to the baby, with his head resting on my belly." She took a shuddering breath, obviously close to crying if she wasn't already. "I figured that must have been one of the fantasies."
"I'm sorry," Bella murmured, not knowing what else to say. Her heart ached, not only for Alice's loss but for Jasper's. She knew that what Alice had dismissed as fantasy must have been actual memories of how Jasper really was.
There had to be a way to make her see.
Alice took a deep breath, and when she spoke her voice was steady again. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. There were just so many things I wasn't ready to deal with. I mean, I know it's why we got married." She sighed, heavily. "He didn't want the baby. Why can't he just let me go?"
Bella closed her eyes tight, knowing this was probably not going to go well. Still, she had to try. "I think he just wants to talk to you, Alice. I think all he wants is a little closure for himself, that's all."
There was a pause on the other end of the line. "Are you telling me you think I should talk to him? Bella… I can't. I can't see him. I thought you understood that," Alice's voice was getting reedy. She was starting to panic.
"Shit. Alice, I'm sorry. Breathe deep, okay?"
"You don't understand. This whole nice thing? This is what he does," Alice continued as if Bella hadn't spoken. "After he screamed at me and shook me, he'd turn so sweet and sorrowful. It always confused me. It made me believe he was a good man, and I forgave him over and over." Her words were beginning to run together. "He'll make it all seem like my fault. He'll make it seem like he's the one that's been suffering for all these years."
"Alice. Please, calm down," Bella pleaded, feeling horrible. "I'm sorry I said it. Please just breathe."
"Is that what you think, Bella?" Alice asked, not even remotely calm. "Did he make you believe that he's suffered?"
"All I'm saying is that he's not the same boy he was once. That's all," Bella said soothingly.
Alice's answering laugh was bitter. "That's what he always said. 'I've changed. I'm sorry.' Ugh. It's so cliché and obvious, I hate that I fell for it time and time again. And I'm so scared that he'll still have that power over me. I don't want to forgive him, Bella."
~0~
Shortly after her disastrous call with Alice, Bella had received a text message from Jasper: Bring the papers when you come.
She'd stared at those words for a long time, wondering where Jasper's head was at. Driving to his house, she was nervous. She had no idea what to say to him after the previous evening. She had no idea what to do about Alice's outburst. There was a chance, though she'd previously refused to acknowledge it, that her friend wouldn't listen to the proof even if they had it.
But what could she do besides continue forward? Given time, Alice could be convinced. That was best for everyone, wasn't it? Alice would understand that there were good parts of her past, and Jasper would be able to move on.
With a head full of uncertainty, Bella pulled up to Jasper's street. She was greeted by a sight that brought a welcome laugh. Emmett was on the lawn holding a shrieking Tanya by her ankles above a rather large puddle. Tanya was trying to scale him like a jungle gym to get away from the dirty water, turning a deep shade of red as she giggled and screeched.
Jasper sat on the porch looking tickled. When he spotted her though, his smile fell and his face became a lot more serious. He stood and walked to her. Shocked into stillness by his expression, Bella didn't move to greet him.
She hated the emotion that welled in her the closer he got. She wanted to squirm like a child about to be scolded. Her face was hot, and she struggled to keep from looking down at her feet. There wasn't a lot Bella wouldn't have given for things between them to feel easy again. She forced herself to look him in the eye. Only Alice deserved to see her shame.
Over everything - the awkwardness, her nervousness and shame - there was a distinct happiness she felt when she saw him. Even though his eyes were tight knit, the corners of his lips twitched like they were on the verge of turning up. For a moment, they were silent, neither of them knowing what to say.
"You look tired," Bella murmured, taking in the shadows under his eyes.
"Yeah," Jasper agreed. "My mind was … busy last night."
Busy. She could imagine. "I brought these," she started, holding out the folder with the divorce papers he'd requested. Staring at them, Jasper looked like he was about to throw up. Instead, he swallowed had and nodded, taking the folder from her. He opened his mouth to thank her, but she cut him off. "Don't thank me," she said. I don't like hurting you, she thought.
Just then, the pitter patter of little feet in big mud puddles interrupted their tense moment. "Hi!" Tanya greeted, looking up at Bella carefully. She got on her tiptoes so she could stare into the car and then pouted. "No Edward?"
The child's devastated expression over her true love's absence made the pressure around Bella's heart lessen just a little bit. "I'm sorry, Tanya. He went home to Seattle."
Tanya put a finger in her mouth, looking very thoughtful for a five year old. "Seattle is far," she said solemnly.
Holding back a grin, Bella nodded. She was sure that Seattle was forever away to a little girl's mentality.
"What a problem," she sighed dramatically. "I can'ts marry him if he lives there. Mommy lives here. I can't leaves Mommy cuz she'd be all alone when Daddy has to work."
Jasper's chuckle was gentle, and Bella was surprised at the relief that flooded through her when she heard it. It was like some of the tension she was holding herself with instantly drained away. Her body sagged just slightly. Somehow, it seemed like if he could laugh, things weren't as impossibly heavy as they'd felt since last evening.
"Come on, Officer. It's about time for you to get on home," Jasper said, holding his hand out for Tanya to take.
The little girl screwed up her face. "How come every time she," Tanya pointed at Bella accusingly, "is here, I have to go home?" she demanded.
"Just official Forks business," Jasper said sternly. Bella surmised that he was using the real name of the town so Tanya would know that this was serious, not-for-kids business.
Tanya's little shoulder's slumped, but she nodded, reluctantly putting her hand in Jasper's. "Hey!" she said, perking up, "Lemme ride your back!"
Not even hesitating, Jasper scooped her up, transferring her onto his back smoothly. As soon as he was sure she was secure, Jasper took off for his neighbor's house.
"Good noon-time, slugger," Emmett's voice interrupted Bella's staring contest with Jasper's retreating figure. There was something so primal and sexy about watching a man interact with a child.
Shaking that thought off, Bella turned back to Jasper's best friend. "Slugger?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, you sure threw a curve ball at our friend," he nodded in the direction Jasper had disappeared, smiling and pulling her into a side hug.
Suddenly Bella was sick with nervousness again. What had Jasper told Emmett? "I don't know what you're talking about. Besides, if I was throwing balls at him, wouldn't I be a pitcher?"
Emmett's face screwed up just like Tanya's had a few minutes previous. He looked almost as adorable, truth be told. "Ah, baseball wasn't ever my game anyway. I'm more of a hockey kind of guy."
Jasper chose that moment to reappear on his lawn, heading over to them with his eyes cast downward. He sighed heavily and then looked up at her. The sadness she saw made the dense blue-grey of his eyes seem cloudy, like a storm was brewing in his head. She took an involuntary step toward him, itching in her skin to comfort him, but stopped when she realized she could only make it worse.
"I um," he began, obviously searching for words, "I need a little time for myself. Emmett will help you today, if that's alright."
Bella's eyes darted between the two men, wanting Jasper to stay but having no good reason for him to do so. "Yeah, that's fine." She offered a weak smile, trying to alleviate the tension that had once again settled over the three of them. "Emmett doesn't scare me. Looks aren't everything, after all."
The brawny man chuffed, pretending to look indignant. Jasper did manage to smile, and when he looked up at her from under his lashes, his eyes were momentarily lighter. He looked at her for one, two full seconds before his lips tightened into a tight, thin line. Something volatile sparked for a split second before he turned away.
"I'll be back," he said curtly, walking away from them. He was in his car and speeding away before either of them could say anything.
Emmett sighed, and then turned to Bella. "The man has a remarkable calmness about him, but he is prone to somewhat epic fits of temper," he excused.
"Believe me, I've been exposed to his epic fits of temper," she said dryly.
"That's right," Emmett nodded, offering her a grin. "You know, I've seen him face off the most obnoxious drunks and not raise so much as an eyebrow at their bullshit, but you..." he trailed off, barking out a laugh. "You rile him up so quickly, he's got you in a jail cell in minutes. Now that's talent."
They turned to go into the house. "I had a little help with that one," Bella mumbled.
At that, Emmett turned more serious than Bella had seen him. "That's true." He looked at her as he held the door open. "He told me everything, you know."
"Everything?" she asked, mortified when her voice squeaked a little at the end.
"Like I said, you've thrown him for a loop."
"Actually, you said I threw him a curve ball - which is probably more accurate. Hence the throwing me in a jail cell incident," Bella said, unconsciously chewing on her thumbnail.
Emmett shook his head slowly. "Since I apparently suck at metaphor -"
"Analogy."
"Lumberjack, not English professor," Emmett said, exasperatingly pointing both his thumbs at himself. "Are you always this much of a pain in the ass?"
"Only when I'm defensive," Bella shot back.
He blinked at her, looking dumbfounded, before his face broke out into a grin. "It's no wonder he's got it so bad for you."
"What are you talking about?" Bella asked
"I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm a little out of my depth here," Emmett said, folding his arms across his chest. "When I got over here, he was uh... in a bit of a state. What would you call it. In a tizzy?"
"Maybe if you were an old biddy from the 1900's you would say tizzy." Bella's eyes felt as tight as her chest, wondering what Jasper was upset about.
Emmett's lips turned up in a slight smile. "He was a little fucked up. Better?" She nodded dully, and Emmett continued. "I didn't catch a lot of what he said at first - he was kind of pacing and ranting - but I did hear your name in there. And then... like I said, he told me everything."
Bella bit her lip. "He told you he … liked me."
"No," Emmett admitted, grinning at her again. "But I kind of got the idea when he got that fucking ridiculous smile on his face talking about you." He pointed to himself again. "Lumberjack, not idiot."
For a few small moments, Bella couldn't help but smile. Though the way he'd kissed her the night before told her plenty about the way he felt, some latent school girl in her was giddy at the prospect that Jasper liked her enough that it showed to those who knew him best. She felt her face grow hot.
But then she remembered the reality of the situation. He shouldn't like her. Or at the very least, she shouldn't like him. Not like that.
"Come on, kid," Emmett said, tugging on her arm. "Let's get this done."
~0~
Their search that day was a little more fruitful. Emmett came across a handful of letters and cheesy greeting cards where James had scribbled apologies and endearments, unfortunately signing only his initials: JH.
The first time Bella had been at Jasper's house, she'd asked what happened to James. Today, Emmett had given her the print out that Jasper had given him. Skimming it, Bella saw that James Hunter had been arrested a year before and was currently serving time for domestic violence against his girlfriend Victoria Damon.
Bella shuddered at how easily it could have been Alice.
"This is definitely a start," Bella said, feeling cautiously optimistic.
The rest of the day was frustratingly lacking in any sort of evidence. Bella wanted something more than letters. Worst case scenario, Alice could accuse Jasper of writing them himself and concocting the story around James Hunter - a man arrested in Oregon. Bella wanted to take away all doubt, if possible.
It was a good thing that Emmett was so easy to talk to. Bella chuckled to herself more than once thinking about how Edward and Alice would have been in Emmett's shoes. Besides looking funny when they walked, both of her best friends would have been trying to coax her feelings about Jasper out in the open. Emmett either didn't care if she liked Jasper back or it just didn't occur to him to ask.
Before they knew it, afternoon had seamlessly transitioned into early evening. "No kidding. Angela Weber is Officer Cheney?" Bella said, feeling stupid for not thinking that some of Alice's high school friends might be married by now.
Emmett was about to answer when the sound of the front door opening and slamming into the wall startled them both. They looked at each other with concern in their eyes before they scrambled to their feet.
Before they even got down the hallway, the door was slammed shut with equal force to the way it was thrown open. Emmett and Bella picked up the pace, easily finding Jasper in the kitchen. He was rooting through cabinets - wood crashing against wood as he opened and closed them, obviously not finding what he was looking for and not pleased about it.
"What are you doing?" Emmett asked, looking about as flabbergasted as Bella felt.
Jasper looked toward them, his glare livid. "I need a fucking drink," he snarled. "There is no alcohol in this g'damned house!"
Emmett blinked. "That's because you don't really drink, man!"
For two tense moments Jasper was absolutely still, his eyes closed like he was trying to calm down. Then, he exploded. "G'dammit!" he roared, rearing back and slamming his fist into the wooden cabinet door. It broke easily under the force of his blow, sending chips and splinters of wood everywhere.
Though her heart was racing with fear, worry for Jasper overpowered Bella, and she took a step forward before Emmett's arm stopped her. He pushed her back slightly, and went to Jasper's side in her stead. "Dude!" he cried, catching Jasper's arm before he could punch the kitchen again.
Jasper shrugged his friend off with a half-hearted, "Get off me," and stalked out of the kitchen to the living room. Bella and Emmett followed him, watching helplessly as he sat heavily on the couch. He tried to put his hands in his hair but hissed with pain when he realized his right hand was bloody. The look of disgust he gave his broken skin would have been comical in a different situation.
Walking slowly, Bella made her way to where Jasper was sitting. It wasn't that she was afraid of him - no part of her actually believed that he would ever hurt her - she simply didn't know if her presence would make it worse for him. He didn't even look up as she approached and sat gingerly on the couch beside him.
"Are you okay?" Bella asked softly, knowing the answer was no but hoping that it would prompt him to talk.
Jasper chuffed. "I'm fine," he said, barely opening his mouth. Then he took a sharp breath through his nose as his features tensed. He reached out and grabbed up a glass with a move so quick that Bella jumped a little. He hurled it at the wall, the cacophonous shattering noise perfectly accompanying the fury that undulated in the air around him. "No. You know what? I'm not fine. I'm sick of pretending I'm fine."
He stood and began pacing frantically, rage coloring his skin and making his footfalls harder against the carpeted floor. "I tried to be a good husband. I tried so hard to be understanding about everything Alice was going through. I tried to be a good son. All I've ever done is try to do the right thing, and I have never asked for a damn thing for myself."
Though she ached to go to him and quiet his agitation, Bella forced herself to remain still on the couch, warning Emmett back with one hand. She thought she knew what was going on here. All these years, Jasper had spoken to no one about the completely shitty and unfair hand he'd been dealt. He hadn't let himself feel the self-pity that was perfectly warranted under the circumstances. He needed to let some of that bottled emotion out, and if she approached him now, it was likely he would calm himself, shutting everything back up inside again.
"I fucking... I fucking..." Jasper struggled with his words, violently slapping at a chess board that was set up on an end table. Pieces went flying everywhere, and Bella tried not to flinch. "I... I want to hate her so much. She blames me for everything that asshole did, when I never hurt her. I told her so many times he was bad for her. He hurt her. I didn't do anything. I never hurt anyone. But she's the one who got to move on. She's the one that gets the fairytale that I always wanted for her. And what do I get?"
He stopped his pacing then, his shoulders slumping as he stared up at the ceiling. When he spoke again, his voice was heartbreakingly tired and raw. "But now... here's this incredible girl... and for the first time in so fucking long I can't even remember, I want something. Hell... I want the possibility of something."
Then Bella did go to him, unable to keep herself still any longer. Unhesitatingly, she put her arms around him, sliding her hands up his back to the hair at his neck. At first he stood entirely still, not moving his hands from his sides. Then he crumpled in on himself, like a puppet whose master had let go of its strings. He wrapped his arms around her waist, lying his head on her shoulder and letting her comfort him.
"I'm going to go get some dinner," Emmett said awkwardly. Bella opened her eyes long enough to nod at him.
Eventually, Jasper let Bella pull him to the couch. Minutes ticked away and they just sat in silence, clinging to each other. Bella ran her hands up and down his back and through his hair. "It's not fair," he mumbled into her neck.
"It really isn't," Bella agreed.
He lifted his head, but his eyes were closed. His lips were parted slightly as he tried to breathe steadily. "I'm so fucked up. I didn't even realize how fucked up I was."
She cupped his face, wiping away a tear that fell from his closed eyelids with the back of her hand. "There's nothing wrong with you."
His eyes opened slowly, and he looked so lost. "Yes there is," he said quietly, and then laughed without humor. "I don't know how to think about wanting something else." He put his hands over hers, winding their fingers together tightly as he brought them down. He kissed her fingertips and looked at her again. "And apparently, I always want exactly what I can't have."
A/N: Oh, mai gosh. So, it turns out that josieswan is alive after all. And she did me such a favor by beta'ing this after a marathon of judging for a contest. I flove her.
Sooooo….