Chapter 8: Nowhere to Go But On

Dedication: Seriously? Have you not gotten it by now? This is all about Melly. And my flove for her. Yet she insists on sleeping with her boyfriend instead of me. What's a girl got to do!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

"My care, my coat

Leave on a high note

There's nowhere to go but on

Heart on my sleeve

Not where it should be

The song's out of key again,"

~ My Moon, My Man, Fiest

Bella couldn't think of any way to ease Jasper's struggles, so she turned to what she could do. She brought their joined hands to eye level, examining the self-inflicted wounds across his knuckles. It wasn't so horrible - just one deep scratch and many smaller ones.

"Do you have peroxide?" she asked softly. She looked him in the eye as she spoke, hoping he could see what she couldn't say out loud. She felt the same way and hated that she was causing Jasper more pain.

Jasper grimaced, looking for a moment like a little boy who would run away when his parents tried to give him cough syrup. "It's fine. I've had a lot worse."

She lifted his injured hand, showing him. "You have splinters in it."

He sighed. "Under the sink," he said reluctantly.

She retrieved the bottle, noting that it had never been opened. Of course it hadn't - it was more manly to let wounds get infected. Bella shook her head, bringing the bottle out to the living room along with a small washcloth.

Jasper was resting with his head against the back of the sofa, his eyes closed. He opened only one to watch her as she rustled through her purse. His deep chuckle when she pulled out a pair of tweezers surprised her.

"What?" she asked, carefully putting her hand under his injured one and pulling it toward her.

"Just seems like such a girly thing to have tweezers. You don't even wear make-up." His fingertips brushed the skin of her cheek tenderly. Suddenly shy, Bella looked up, finding his eyes soft as he looked at her. "Not that you need it."

She concentrated again, trying to bite back the pleased, small smile that threatened to emerge. Instead, she focused on a particularly stubborn splinter out. "It's Edward's influence. If I take these kits out of my purse, he just puts another one back in. He says you never know when you're going to need a good tweeze. Between you and me, though, his eyebrows get out of control. I think he just makes me carry it so he can steal them when he needs them."

He laughed again, and the sound was more genuine than it had been a moment before. Then he sighed, wiping his free hand across his eyes. "I'm sorry about all that," he gestured vaguely at the kitchen. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Don't apologize."

"No, I need to apologize. That was unnecessary. I shouldn't have scared y-"

"Jasper," she interrupted, dropping his hand and looking him in the eye. "I know you feel that Alice is the only one who went through a traumatic experience, and it's true, she did. But so did you. You've carried that with you for too long. You have to be able to vent it somehow." She picked up his hand again, squeezing it lightly. "Although, it would be better if you didn't hurt yourself."

Save for hissing at the sting of the peroxide on his wounds, Jasper was quiet as she finished tending his hand. He caught her hand with his before she could pull away. "Do you really think what I went through is traumatic? I mean - nothing happened to me."

Bella chuffed, shaking her head incredulously. "Watching a friend go through a lifetime of hurt while you're helpless to stop it is a hard thing to go through - especially when you're just a kid. But you lost your son, for all intents and purposes, and then you lost your wife. If..." Bella steeled herself, closing her eyes briefly so she could get through the words, "If Alice had died with her parents and William, you would have grieved, but you would have been able to gain closure eventually. The girl Alice was - the girl who loved you - didn't survive the accident. I know you know that now."

He nodded - a short jerk of his head, and swallowed thickly, obviously trying to keep his emotions in check.

"All of that, and having to shoulder blame that didn't belong to you, is traumatic. It affects you. You need to - and deserve to - acknowledge that," she concluded firmly.

She knew she should have resisted when he tugged lightly on her hand. Instead, she let Jasper pull her tight against him. He needed a hug. Surely there was no harm in providing him the comfort he'd been denied for so long. She molded herself to his side, lying her head on his shoulder, and wrapped one arm around him, letting their joined hands rest on his lap. He let out a slow, deep breath, resting his head lightly on hers.

They flew apart guiltily when the front door opened.

Emmett was standing in the doorway. He stopped short for a moment, seeming to realize belatedly that he'd interrupted something and offered Jasper a dimpled grin. "Sorry."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "I thought you went home to eat."

"I said I was going to get some dinner." He lifted one bag he was holding for them to expect. It seemed to be filled with footlong sandwiches. "Dinner!" He jostled the paper bag he held in his other arm so that they could hear the clank of bottles clacking against each other. "The uh, 'fucking alcohol' you were looking for earlier."

"Emmett, you didn't have to-"

"Shut up," Emmett interrupted good naturedly. He closed the front door with his foot and headed toward the table. "You sir, are abusing alcohol tonight. Don't worry, you're already at home so unless you're the type of drunk that likes to pee in the neighbor's bushes, you won't have any of your cop-buddies hauling your ass to the station to sober up."

"That's you, not me," he reminded, pursing his lips in amusement. "Don't you have a pregnant wife to get home to? Is it really wise to leave her home alone right now?"

"First of all, you know as well as I do that Rose is a tough cookie. She can take care of herself...however, I did manage to convince her friend Vera to invite her to stay the night. See, Mr. Vera is out of town, and she has suddenly become very afraid to sleep in the house alone," Emmett chuckled at his own cleverness. "Worst case scenario, you call your cop-buddies to escort my drunk self to the hospital."

"Your wife would be angry if you had to show up to the hospital drunk," Bella pointed out, smiling anyway.

Emmett shrugged. "What's the worst that could happen - she cuts me off from sex? If we have to go to the hospital now, the kid is likely being born, and that means no sex for me anyway. But let's not tempt fate because the kid still has a little while to bake. Don't want my boy to be all gooey in the middle."

"That's...disturbing," Jasper said, wrinkling his nose as he hauled himself upright. He started poking through the bags Emmett had brought.

While the boys were going over the alcoholic beverages and calling dibs on the sandwiches, Bella set about retrieving various sizes of glasses. She was distracted from her task when Jasper outright chortled.

"Emmett, what the hell is this?" he asked. Bella peeked out of the kitchen and was perplexed to find Jasper brandishing a tube of cookie dough.

"I don't know," Emmett shrugged. "Whenever Rose gets all emo, she eats some of that. It's supposed to help."

Bella snickered both at Emmett's logic and the vaguely horrified expression on Jasper's face.

"I'm not..." Jasper trailed off, looking at the cookie dough with curiosity. "Fuck it," he muttered, recklessly tearing the cellophane wrapping away from the dough. He broke off a bit and stuck it in his mouth.

"Well?" Bella asked after a few moments. "Feel better?"

"I'm having flashbacks of licking cookie dough off the mixer when my mom made cookies," Jasper said, breaking off another piece.

"Gimmie a piece," Bella requested, holding out her hand. "Please," she added as an afterthought.

Jasper's eyebrows bunched and turned down at the middle as he held the tube away from her. "No. It's mine."

Rolling her eyes, Bella stepped toward him, but he scampered back. "You can't eat the whole thing by yourself," she said with mock exasperation.

Defiant, Jasper broke off a chunk of dough that was the opposite of dainty and shoved it in his mouth.

"So classy," Bella mocked, stepping toward him.

Again, Jasper stepped back, his eyes teasing her as he held the dough behind his back. Unfortunately for him, he'd completely forgotten Emmett was there. The other man plucked the dough out of Jasper's hand and ran.

"Give it!" Jasper demanded, running after him.

A predictable case of keep away ensued. It ended when, after finally gaining the upper hand, Bella nearly took a dive into Jasper's glass-top coffee table. It was only luck that Jasper had been reaching for her anyway, and he was able to grab her around the waist, keeping her upright against his body. Automatically her free hand went up, palm flat against his chest to steady herself.

The night before she'd felt the gold wedding rings he wore on a chain. Tonight she felt nothing under his shirt. Stunned by that revelation and still recovering from her almost-fall, Bella didn't move out of his arms quickly, but he didn't let her go either.

"Careful, B," Emmett said, apparently oblivious to the sudden tension in the room. He grabbed the dough from Bella's hand and plopped down on the sofa, taking a huge bite.

Jasper's hold on her loosened, and he stepped back, his hands sliding along her hips, lingering under the guise of making sure she was steady.

"Um," Bella said, trying to shake the sudden haze from her mind. Her cheeks felt flushed, and she needed distance from Jasper. "I should bake those."

"Bake them?" Emmett asked. "Tastes just fine like this."

"It'll be easier to share," she insisted, snatching what was left of the tube from Emmett's hands. Without waiting to see if they were staring at her, Bella all but ran from the room. Safe in the kitchen, she leaned against the counter, trying to calm herself. His arms around her had felt so right it made her dizzy. She laughed at herself then, the sound bitter to her ears.

She wanted to go back out to the living room with her fingers covered in cookie dough. She wanted to lick and suck her fingers clean while he watched, imagining the way his eyes would get dark, and his tongue would dart out, licking his lips hungrily. She imagined that he would wrap his fingers around her wrist, keeping her still before she could lick all the dough away. He would lean forward slowly, his eyes holding hers until she forgot to breathe. His lips would close around her finger, enveloping her in moist heat, and she would feel his tongue swirl over her skin.

And then, when he released her finger with a wet pop, his lips would find hers. He would taste sweet and wonderful.

Bella shook her head hard, rubbing her neck as she tried to drive the images away. She busied herself finding a cookie sheet, trying to keep her mind blank as she tore off chunks of cookie dough into cookie sized pieces.

When she got back to the living room she felt a lot more centered. Jasper offered her a beer and a small, sad smile.

Despite the melancholy moment, the rest of the evening went well. One of the subs Emmett brought was meatball, causing both of the boys to revert back to twelve year olds as they razzed each other about which of them preferred eating balls. Bella solved their dilemma by taking the sub for herself, winking at their gaped mouth expressions. "I like her," Emmett said to Jasper.

Several hours and a few shots of whiskey later and their eyes started to droop. It was past midnight at that point. They were all a little tipsy but no where near obnoxiously drunk.

Except for Emmett, but he was obnoxious with or without alcohol.

They started to argue about sleeping arrangements as neither Bella nor Emmett were in any shape to drive. Jasper only had the one room.

Emmett wasn't tactful to begin with, but the alcohol had loosed his tongue and his brain cells even more than usual. He grumbled, scratching his stomach sleepily. "Maybe you can actually turn that spare room into a decent guest room now-" He caught himself then, his mouth snapping shut with an audible clack, but the damage was already done.

The silence was uncomfortable. Emmett opened his mouth to say something, but before he could make it worse Bella grabbed Jasper's hand, tugging lightly. "Show me your room?"

Bella meant to put Jasper to bed -he was a little unsteady on his feet- but he would have none of that. "You're taking the bed," he insisted.

"I'm not going to take your bed," she argued, exasperated. "Where are you going to sleep? Emmett's passed out all over your couch."

"I've fallen asleep in the Lazy-Boy many times. It'll be fine for one night."

Jasper's bedroom, like most of the rest of the rooms in the house, was spartan and neat. There was a bowl full of coins on the dresser and books on the nightstand.

Bella hadn't noticed she was still holding Jasper's hand until he let go. He didn't step away though, and they both lingered in the doorway. "You can use one of my shirts to sleep in, if it'd be more comfortable," he murmured.

He started to mutter something about changing the sheets when Bella shushed him. "We should sleep," she said quietly. Part of her, still feeling bad that she was kicking him out of his bed, wanted to tell him that they were adults - they could share it. But, left alone in the quiet of the house, the atmosphere between them was intensifying again.

It was that somewhat awkward, heated feeling. Would he or wouldn't he? They were still standing close together in the doorway, Jasper slightly behind Bella, facing away from each other. She turned slightly, and as her eyes met his, she could see the uncertainty written there. And the want.

He wanted to kiss her, she could tell. Her body screamed for him, an itch beneath her skin that compelled her to just give in. Fighting the urge to touch him and kiss him was exhausting. How many times that evening had she wanted to reach for him? Just catch his hand when he was flicking Cheese Puffs at Emmett, or ruffle his hair because she could. A hundred tiny, affectionate gestures had raced through her mind that night, and she'd fought them all.

But now, standing in the doorway of his bedroom with him so close, Bella knew her control was close to snapping. If he kissed her, she wouldn't be able to resist. She would grab him by the shirt and pull him into his room and down on the bed with her.

Would he or wouldn't he?

Jasper swayed and closed his eyes, breathing out through his nose. When his eyes opened again the uncertainty had been replaced with regret. He raised his hand, stroking her cheek with the back of it and smiled softly. "Good night," he said quietly. He turned away then, shutting the door behind him with a click.

Disappointment was a hard pill to swallow, and Bella's eyes teared automatically as she stared at the closed door. Irritated at the overwhelming emotion, she swiped angrily at her eyes, forcing herself to breathe through the ache in the center of her chest. She distracted herself by rummaging through the dresser he'd indicated, finding a t-shirt of his that looked comfortable enough to sleep in. In the master bathroom she found toothpaste, using her finger to brush her teeth and mouthwash to finish the job. Then she was out of things to do before bed.

She was restless. Too restless to sleep. She tried to thumb through a couple of the books on Jasper's dresser, but nothing held her interest. Everything inside her coiled tight in expectation. All she could think about was flying out of the room. She wanted to go find him, and pull him back with her to the bedroom.

She wondered if he was thinking about the same thing.

Bella made herself turn off the light and tried to settle.

Usually, alcohol made her sleepy. That night it only made her impossibly hot. It had the effect of enhancing the scent of Jasper that lingered on his pillows - on his sheets. Instead of spinning, the room seemed to sway - like a palm tree in a balmy, thick, Florida summer breeze. Bella threw the blankets off of her to escape both the oppressive heat and the gentle sway that seemed to beckon her body to action.

Entirely too fidgety, she sat up, flinging her legs over the side of the bed so she could sit on the edge. She rolled her head back and forth, trying to clear it of the images and desires that were all she could think of. Needing to feel the coolness of the room on the back of her neck, Bella swept all her hair up, piling it on top of her head and pinning it there with one hand.

The door, when it opened just then, was almost silent, but even if she hadn't heard it, Bella would have known exactly who was standing there. She wasn't even surprised, though her heart began to race. He didn't move from the door though. Bella released her hold on her hair, letting it fall down her back again.

He was waiting for her to decide.

Would she or wouldn't she?

Bella breathed deep, trying to remember that there were logical reasons this shouldn't happen. But logic and reason felt far away. She was standing before she consciously realized it.

The need inside of her was building; she'd never wanted something as badly as she wanted this. Her willpower had never been tested in this way. She turned.

And when she saw him in the doorway, dressed only in boxers and wife beater, she knew she'd lost the battle. Her body felt full of kinetic energy dying to be spent. The pull was all but irresistible.

So she stopped resisting.

Bella was across the room and in his arms in the next second. She hurled into him with such a force that she heard an 'oof' of surprise before she'd swallowed it with her lips. His arms went around her, his hands everywhere - as if he couldn't decide how he wanted to hold her. As their mouths moved on each other, hungry and hard, his fingers traced her spine all the way down to her ass. He moved both of his hands to cup her ass right where his shirt ended. His fingers brushed the backs of her thighs.

Wordlessly, Bella tugged on his shirt and Jasper obediently walked forward into the room, never letting her go. He closed the door behind him, managing just enough control to keep it from slamming.

Bella gasped wildly, when his hands worked up the front of her body, palming her breasts. She pulled on his tank again, almost roughly. Her head tilted slightly, even as she walked backward, so that he could nip the side of her neck lightly with his teeth.

It took them only seconds to get to the bed. Jasper pushed her down into a sitting position. She cupped him then, through his boxers and he moaned, steadying himself by putting a hand on her shoulder. "Jesus," he panted as she moved her palm over him.

Bella wasn't looking for gentle or slow. She wanted - needed - to sate this hunger for him, this want for him to be beneath her skin that felt like it might be essential to her existence at that moment. Most of all, she wanted to feel everything, because if she thought about what she was doing it might burst this bubble of complete pleasure.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew their frantic pace was because they only had that night. Where most couples could afford to take all the time in the world, their time was limited.

He tugged on her shirt, growling a single, "Off," in command. She released him long enough to comply. "You're beautiful," he said.

She blushed, which seemed like a ridiculous reaction given that her hands were tugging his boxers down as she did it. As she stroked his length in her hands, she suddenly remembered Edward's joke. Big Daddy.

Well, he was right about that.

Jasper took his own top off, looking down on her with hooded eyes. She scooted to the middle of the bed, bringing him down with her. Her hands, when he was hovering over her, trailed over the lines of his chest.

Holding himself up on one arm, Jasper used his free hand to tug her panties down. Eager, she helped him get them off. His hand was on her then, first stroking one thumb along her slit, then carefully sliding two fingers into her. When he found she was ready for him, already wet from her restless fantasies earlier, he cursed under his breath in appreciation.

They stilled then, for just a moment as Jasper's eyes became impossibly tender. "Bella," he said her name on a breath. It was a question and a plea all at once. She knew what he was asking. Was she sure? Was she thinking clearly - not too drunk that she would regret this in the morning light?

In answer, she wrapped her arms around his neck, threading her fingers into his hair and pulling him down to her. Obviously, she was not thinking clearly, though that had little to do with the alcohol she'd consumed earlier that evening. However, she was more sure she wanted this than she'd been of anything before in her life, and while the small part of her she'd muzzled and locked away knew that she might regret the consequences, she would never regret whatever time they had together.

He put more of his weight on her then, his body pressing against hers. This was exactly what she wanted. Skin to skin, he surrounded her from the outside, his tongue stroking hers as he kissed her hard and deep. His cock slid along her entrance, teasing her, and she moaned, bucking her hips up against him. He smiled against her lips. In retaliation, Bella sucked his bottom lip between her teeth and bit lightly.

When he finally, finally was inside of her, Bella finally felt calmer. Whatever desperation had come over her quieted. As they moved together, their lips rarely parted. When they did the only thing they whispered were each others names - their voices thready with exertion and the emotion that welled in them. Though greatly pleasurable, the atmosphere around them was heady with a bitter-sweetness.

As their rhythm quickened, Jasper leaned his forehead against hers, reaching between them to find her clit. He circled her with two fingers, his breath hot and ragged against her face. She moaned and whimpered, shifting up to meet him with each of his thrusts.

When she looked in his eyes then, her breath left her body. There was an intensity in them that she hadn't ever experienced before. It was soft and fiery all at once, making her heart ache with the tenderness she felt in response and making her blood boil in her veins. Suddenly, though he was pressing against her and into her, he wasn't close enough. She arced her body against his, claiming his lips again as she let that emotion completely take her.

She came hard, with a wordless wail he silenced with his mouth. With one, two, three more thrusts, he followed after her.

Jasper managed to roll to his side, taking her with him, before he collapsed on her completely. They were both breathless, stealing tiny kisses as they came down. Bella stroked the sweaty hair at the back of his neck, and his hands strummed along her back lazily.

Neither of them spoke. There was nothing to say. Their little kisses got fewer as their eyes drooped. Bella knew he was on the same page she was. She was exhausted and content like a cat in a sunbeam to stay in his arms forever, but the sooner they slept, the sooner it would be morning. In the morning they would have to remember the reality they faced outside this room.

Bella dozed lightly, waking easily. She blinked awake at some point during the night, watching Jasper's naked ass when he disappeared into the bathroom and felt incomplete without his body against hers. But he came back quickly and drew her back into his arms, stroking her hair as she fell back asleep against his chest.

When she woke again the room was dully lit, the first rays of morning making everything a washed out grey. She wanted to ignore the need to pee, but she couldn't delay any longer. Carefully, she extracted herself from Jasper's arms and tip toed into the bathroom.

When she came back, Jasper appeared to be asleep, but as soon as she got close enough to the bed, he reached out, pulling her to him so her back was against his chest. She snuggled back against him, shivering with pleasure when he stroked the hair off her shoulders so he could kiss the side of her jaw.

"I signed the papers yesterday," Jasper announced, breaking the silence by dropping a bomb.

"What?" Bella exclaimed, startled. She tried to roll over to face him but he held her fast. She stilled in his arms, figuring that whatever he had to say, it was easier to say without looking at her.

He didn't speak right away, and she felt his deep, forced even breaths filter through her hair, warming the top of her head. His hand found hers, and he began playing with her fingers. "When I went home after kissing you the first time, at first, I couldn't stop beating myself up. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn't sorry." His voice was low – almost monotone as he spoke.

"And then I was just… so angry. I didn't want to have to feel bad about something that was…" he struggled, and a thousand adjectives ran through Bella's mind. "I was happy. For just a few seconds I was so happy."

Bella sniffled, realizing belatedly that she was teary. "I was too," she whispered quietly, using their joined hands to pull him closer around her. She felt dangerously close to falling apart. Morning had brought with it reality. No matter how right they felt together, the reality was that they couldn't be – not this way.

"I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. It all felt so unjust. By the time morning rolled around, and Emmett knocked on my door… I don't know. I was worked up. It was just… everything hitting me all at once. I never really let myself feel anything about Alice. Not about how horrible it felt that she ran away from me. Not about how it drove me crazy – that she saw me instead of James in her memories. I hate James," he growled.

"I know," she soothed, squeezing his hand tightly.

Jasper breathed in deeply again, calming himself. "So I told Emmett everything. Everything. I'd never told anyone everything because I didn't want them to think poorly of Alice… but then I remembered how it felt when you cowered away from me like you thought I was going to hit you, and I remembered the disgusted look in Edward's eyes when we met." He chuffed. "She obviously didn't grant me the same courtesy. I know it isn't her fault, but I wanted to hate Alice so badly right then. So I told Emmett all of our secrets. It helped a little. But I was still really worked up, so I asked him to stay with you so I could try to calm down."

He paused then, and Bella both heard him swallow several times, and felt the movement of his throat against her hair. His heart was pounding hard, and she felt the thump, thump, thump against her back. When he spoke again, Jasper's voice was raw-filled with a pain that matched the ache building in the center of Bella's chest. "I thought I'd calmed down. I drove around all day, trying to make myself understand that Alice might never believe it wasn't me who hurt her. It was probably the opposite of helpful that I refused to divorce her until she listened. I know it's the right thing, for me too, and I signed the papers.

"And then I realized that it didn't mean I could have… you. There was always a little bit of hope that one day Alice would listen to me. But you and I…" he trailed off. He didn't need to finish.

Bella understood. Though her mind desperately sought some solution, she could find none. She heard herself gasp out a small sob, realizing belatedly that she was trembling. She turned in his arms then, and he let her. Their mouths came together instantly. He cradled her face in his hands, stroking her tears away with the pads of his thumbs as they kissed over and over. They were desperate, hungry kisses that were a poor attempt of communicating all the things they would never get the chance to say to each other.

When Jasper's wandering hands reached between them, guiding his cock to her entrance, Bella didn't protest. After all, they were already damned. Her heart was already going to shatter spectacularly. Because she knew, when they left the safety and quiet of this bed, they were over before they began.

They had to be.

A/N: Ummmm so before I go hide under the bed... I've been remiss at not thanking Barburella for pre-reading. A little feedback as you write goes such a long way. Plus she catches mistakes the stupid gdocs neglects. Heh. And thank you to josieswan for betaing. I'm so glad she's feeling betterish.

Hi new readers! I try to be good at review replies. Lately I have failed. But I read every one and they all make me smile.