Chapter 9: Goodbye Means Nothing At All

Warning: Um. Long story short - I'm not updating again until early January. You MIGHT want to delay reading this. There IS angst.

Disclaimer: These characters belong to SM. Not I.

"Beauty queen of only eighteen

She had some trouble with herself

He was always there to help her

She always belonged to someone else,"

~She Will Be Loved, Maroon 5

Bella was physically and mentally exhausted. It was barely noon and already she felt like going back to bed.

It was no mystery whose bed she wanted to return to.

She and Jasper had stayed wrapped in each others arms for as long as they possibly could - ignoring hunger and the rest of the world. When they finally had to get up - Jasper had already called and asked Officer Newton to swap shifts so he could get the late shift - Bella had tried to find a reason to see him again. She couldn't justify it to herself though - not in the harsh light of day.

After all, what good would a second night do them? They both knew they couldn't be together in the world as it existed right then. If Alice ever found out, she would be devastated. Not because she held any claim to Jasper, but that her best friend would sleep with and trust a man that she truly believed hurt her... it was a betrayal, pure and simple.

One night was bad enough, but she was only human. Her feelings for him were overwhelming and under the impossible circumstances they found themselves in, she had offered him - and herself - what little comfort she could. She couldn't regret it - knowing what it felt like to take him inside of her, what it felt like to be that close to him - but she also couldn't repeat it. It would only be prolonging the inevitable.

As she parked her car in front of the Inn, Bella tried not to remember finally putting her feet on the cold, hardwood floor. She tried not to remember how the simple act of getting up from Jasper's bed had been the hardest thing she'd ever done. She tried not to feel him surrounding her for the last time as he'd pulled her into his arms and kissed her like a soldier heading off to war - making one last memory that would get him through the long road ahead.

His touch still lingered on her skin and his taste in her mouth.

Bella tried to shake all of that away. She still had work to do. With the divorce papers signed and in her possession, her obligation to Alice was finished. Now, though, she had a new mission. Regardless of whether it led them to a place where she and Jasper could eventually be together - something Bella could not afford to let herself think about just then - she wanted to clear his name. He deserved that much.

But as she trudged up the stairs to the front door of the Inn, she felt entirely too weary. She was certain her slumped shoulders and slow pace made her look like an old, old woman, worn down by grief. Just a nap, she told herself. A nap to rid herself of the weighty tiredness, and then she would talk to Angela.

Bella was so lost in her own thoughts - or rather, trying not to think - that she almost didn't notice the couple sitting quietly in the living room. Felix was, however, an imposing figure, and his presence did sink in just before Bella reached the stairs.

At first, she thought she must be imagining things; it was the guilt that rested heavily on her shoulders come to life. She blinked her sore, tired eyes and stared again. No, they were there. "Alice?" she said, her voice timid like an uncertain child.

Alice turned and glanced significantly at Felix. He nodded slightly, kissing her forehead and studiously wandering over to the book shelves at the far end of the room. When Alice turned back to Bella, her face was unreadable.

"After I talked to you yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking about what you said. I kept on thinking that he must be here, telling you all these lies, making you believe it was my fault. He always told me it was my fault."

Bella opened her mouth, ready to protest, but Alice held out her hand, palm out in a stopping motion. "And I decided that Jasper still had entirely too much power over me - and I was the one who let that happen. So I decided I was going to face my fear... that I was going to face him once and for all. What kind of a coward lets their best friend fight their battles for them?

"I had to tell Felix everything, and I'm so lucky. So many men wouldn't have understood." Felix turned then, and smiled gently at her, and Alice smiled back. "Of course, he insisted on coming with me."

"Fighting your own battles doesn't mean you have to fight them alone," Felix said quietly.

"We went to the police station first, hoping he was on duty," Alice continued. "It was good to see Angela again. She told us that Jasper wasn't there. But then, another officer uh... Norton?"

"Newton?" Bella asked, confused as to where this was going. So far, Alice didn't look angry...but then, she hadn't looked Bella directly in the eye yet, and that was unusual.

"Yes," Alice said. "Officer Newton made some comment about how Jasper had swapped shifts with him at the last minute." Alice's breath had become slightly labored, the words more difficult to get out. "He said that Jasper was probably 'out fucking that Bella chick.'"

Bella's stomach twisted, her heart pounding fast and painfully in her chest. How. How could he know?

"Then he told us how he'd seen the two of you together at the bar a couple of nights ago. He said you were all over each other."

"That's not true," Bella blurted, furor mixing with the consuming guilt. "That didn't happen."

Alice still didn't look at her. "Angela said that Officer Newton was prone to exaggeration." She took another deep breath and let it out slowly. "She gave us this address... and the Innkeeper-"

"Esme," Bella offered.

"Esme said she didn't think you'd come in last night-"

"Alice," Bella began, pleadingly. But then she didn't know what to say.

Finally, Alice looked up. Her blank eyes suddenly widened. "Bella...have you been crying?"

"I..." Bella scrambled. She knew her eyes must be red as hell; she'd been crying off and on all morning. "Yes, but..."

"That isn't your shirt," Alice interrupted. "That's a man's shirt."

Bella's hands shot to her chest, the memory hitting her belatedly. Was it really just half an hour ago that she'd grudgingly started to pull her clothes on? She'd been staring at her grossly rumpled shirt when Jasper approached her, proffering the black button down she was currently wearing. He hadn't said a word as he helped her into it, and she'd let him button each button like she was five years old.

His breath was ragged, and as he got to the second to last button, he swallowed hard and audibly. She'd been looking down, watching his long, deft fingers work the buttons - anything to distract herself from the tightness in her throat. It took everything in her to control her tears, but she didn't want him to have to see her cry again.

But he'd crooked one finger under her chin, tilting her head up until her eyes followed. He was hurting. She could see it. He kissed her once. Twice. Tiny, soft kisses that were as light as a breath on her skin. Their last kisses.

Bella closed her eyes and shook her head, willing the memory away so she could face Alice. "It's just a shirt," she mumbled, but even to her own ears her words were thin - easy to see through.

Alice's wide-eyed expression would have been comical under different circumstances. It was possible that she hadn't believed Mike Newton's claims... but now, Alice was obviously putting the pieces together. Bella knew her hair was disheveled; she'd caught a glimpse of herself in her rear-view mirror when she got in her car, but couldn't be bothered to fix it. Her jeans were wrinkled. She was wearing a man's shirt. "Alice..." she started.

To her great surprise, Alice came forward and hugged her tightly. Then she backed away just as quickly, her eyes filled with dread. "Bella...tell me he didn't."

"Didn't what?" Bella was confused.

"He didn't...force you, did he?" Alice breathed.

Bella blinked, sure she had misunderstood. "Of course not!" she exclaimed then, the horrified look in Alice's eyes lighting a flash burn inside of her. She was suddenly so furious at her best friend she couldn't even see straight. Her vision blurred and her fists clenched.

Rationally, she knew that Alice was still operating under a misunderstanding. She still saw Jasper as the bad guy, thinking him capable of any number of atrocities. But even though it wasn't her fault she was confused, the idea that Alice thought such things about a man as kind and gentle as Jasper made Bella angrier than she knew how to deal with in that moment. "I don't even know how you could think that," she spat between clenched teeth.

Taken aback, Alice stared at Bella as if trying to comprehend. "You did sleep with him. On purpose?"

Bella chuffed. "It's not the kind of thing you do accidentally, now, is it?" she said, her voice dripping sarcasm. She turned away from Alice's accusing eyes, her hands in her hair as she tried to bottle her wildly swinging moods. Guilt. Shame. Anger. Heartbreak. They were all attacking her so fast that she felt completely out of control.

"How could you do this?" Alice's voice was just a whisper. "Why?"

She couldn't control her reaction then. She whirled back to face her friend, and she knew her eyes must have been hard because Alice literally took a step or two backward. "Why? Why? Because he's been alone all this time, Alice. Because there was no one that ever knew what he was going through. He deserves to be...to be...cared for."

The hurt and shock written all over Alice's face faded and fury took its place. "Are you kidding me with this? He deserves what? You've watched me put my life back together for the last seven years after what he did to me, and he deserves what? A good fuck from someone who's supposed to be my best friend?"

Guilt tasted like a sour lump in the back of her throat, but still, Bella's anger lingered. Her voice was only slightly softer when she answered. "You don't know what you're talking about. You don't know what he's been through."

"I don't give a damn what he's been through," Alice seethed. "I've told you about almost every lie that he made me believe. You know what he's capable of, and yet you believe whatever fairytale he spun to make you feel sorry for you."

Alice laughed, the sound reeking of bitterness and anger. "When Officer Newton told me that you were with him, I was so worried about you. Ask me why, Bella."

Thrown off by the completely livid gleam in Alice's eyes, Bella complied. "Why?"

"Because the first time we had sex, I said no," Alice shouted. She gasped then, both of her hands coming up to cover her mouth like she could push the secret back inside of her. Her eyes filled with tears. Felix, silent to that point took a step forward, his eyes horrified and furious. Clearly, he hadn't known either. Alice held a hand out to him, stopping his forward motion.

When she spoke again her voice was low and hard. "I said no, and he took what he wanted anyway. Afterward, he told me it was what people in love did. He convinced me that I wanted it because I told him I loved him all the time, and I let him because I didn't want to believe that my boyfriend had raped me."

"It wasn't him," Bella blurted, completely at a loss for how to react. As Alice's best friend, Bella wanted to do what she'd always done when a piece of Alice's past came to light. She wanted to hug her and remind her that she had survived. She was a woman with such strength and beauty. But equally strong was the terrible frustration she felt that Alice didn't remember. There had to be some way to just … flip the switch.

"What are you talking about?"

"It wasn't him who did those things to you. It was a man named James Hunter," she said, the words tumbling out of her at a frantic pace. "You can ask Angela. She'll remember. Please, Alice you have to believe me, Jasper wouldn't ever have hurt you."

Alice stared at her with wide, incredulous eyes. The hurt in them was almost more than Bella could bear. Everything was spiraling out of control so quickly though, and she didn't know how to stop it. "What are you trying to tell me?" Alice asked. "That I made it all up?" She was crying.

"No! I know you didn't make it up. You don't understand." Bella raked her hands through her hair, tugging it in consternation. She started to pace slightly, just a few steps back and forth. "You're confused. You don't remember it right," she said, almost to herself.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Alice's voice was so soft and broken that Bella stopped pacing, feeling her heart tear into one more piece.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I'm so sorry. This is all coming out so wrong. You weren't supposed to find out like this."

That set her friend shouting again. "Find out what, Bella! That you came out here to help me and instead you fuck the man who I had to run away from and tell me I made it all up?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Bella saw Esme come in the room, likely drawn by all the shouting. Though part of her knew that they shouldn't be causing a scene in her Inn, she simply had no room left to think about things like polite behavior.

"No. No. He signed the papers, okay. They're out in the car. And I know. I know what I did was..." she trailed off, still unable to bring herself to call it wrong. It hadn't felt wrong. "I knew it would hurt you, and I'll understand if you..." the words were so difficult to say, "hate me. Just don't hate him. I can't let you keep believing it was him."

"You're protecting him. Why are you protecting him? Oh, God," she cried, putting her hands over her mouth again. She was obviously as close to breaking down as Bella felt. "Was he really that great in bed, Bella?."

"It's not like that," Bella said, her voice pleading. She scrambled, searching for some way to at least get the world to stop spinning so violently. Everything was getting worse by the minute. She'd never felt so completely out of control of a situation.

Of course, she should have expected that the disaster was far from over. The front door swung open and possibly the only person who could have interrupted the friends' tense stand-off spoke. "Alice?"

When she heard his voice, Bella knew what was going to happen a split second before it actually played out. Who could blame Felix for rushing at Jasper the way he did? All the larger man knew was that Jasper had hurt his fiancee. Badly. Worse than Bella had even known.

Everything happened too quickly for anyone to stop it. Felix had Jasper pinned against the wall, one of his huge hands on his chest and the other pressing down hard on his neck. Bella and Esme both screamed, crying out for Felix to let go. Jasper's hands wrapped around the other man's, but though Bella knew he must have been trained in self defense, he didn't try to stop him. It seemed both completely ludicrous and highly dangerous. Jasper was in his full uniform, his gun visible and easily accessible by both him and Felix. This situation was a breath away from getting more ugly than any of them could manage.

Felix looked over his shoulder, obviously controlling himself slightly when he saw Bella and Esme's frightened faces. His grip loosened but he didn't let Jasper go until Alice spoke. "Baby... he's not worth it. Please. Let's go. I don't want to be here anymore."

Just as Bella thought the gagging, choking noises Jasper was making would drive her insane, Felix dropped him and stepped back. Jasper instantly fell to the ground, holding himself up with one hand and resting the other at his neck. He coughed horribly, drawing in gasping breaths. Bella was on her knees at his side before she even realized she'd moved. She rested one arm on his shoulder, brushing the hair out of his eyes to assess his condition. His face was an unhealthy shade of red but his eyes met hers.

Bella looked up in time to see Felix put a protective arm around Alice, ushering her to the door. He looked back, his eyes landing on Bella with a look of disgust that made her stomach churn. "I really hope he was worth it, Bella," he all but snarled at her. Bella flinched.

They were gone then, the door slamming behind them. For a few seconds Bella closed her eyes, fighting a wave of dizziness as her head swam. Her body wanted to split right in two - half of her longing to fling herself out the door and down the stairs and just beg Alice for forgiveness. She knew Alice's furious, broken, completely hurt look would stay with her forever.

But the rest of her wanted to stay right where she was. She could tell herself it was logical: what more could she say to Alice at this point? What could possibly make it all better? But if she was being honest with herself, she knew she wasn't going to move from Jasper's side. Definitely not until she was sure he was all right.

"Bella," Jasper wheezed.

Opening her eyes, she found Jasper's face was already going back to it's normal color. There were oblong, red marks against his neck, but he seemed to be breathing relatively easily. The pressure around her heart decreased by the smallest increment. He sat with his back against the wall, pulling her with him. "I'm sorry," he said in a whisper. "Angela told me what happened at the station. I didn't want you to have to face her alone. I didn't want her to blame you when it's my fault."

"It's not your fault. He could have killed you!" Bella said, her voice trembling. She hit him lightly on the chest. "Why did you just stand there? Why didn't you fight back?"

He chuffed lightly, just holding her closer. "Wouldn't have helped my cause any. In his place, I'd have done the same." He stroked her hair, and she wanted to tell him to stop comforting her. It was her fault a man he'd never even met just tried to strangle him. She'd made the whole situation worse because she hadn't been able to keep her hands off him.

Still, she let him tilt her chin up, and she let him kiss her, kissing him back with the same small kisses they'd used to say goodbye. She heard Esme gasp, and only then remembered that the older woman was standing there.

She must have been so confused - having no prior knowledge of Jasper's past, let alone what had happened between the two of them. Esme sighed softly. "I'll make you some tea. Honey will feel good on your throat."

~0~

The whole drive back to Seattle, Bella felt not one solitary emotion.

There was a solid, ice cold weight in the center of her chest. With every passing second, it seemed to grow; she felt the pressure of it squeezing her chest, but none of the pain. It was as if her body had simply reached its capacity for feeling. Her mind, too, was mercifully blank. She followed the lines in the road and the directions of the traffic sign like a trained monkey might.

In the back of her mind, she knew that pain was coming. She knew that she was simply in denial, but that wouldn't last long. She had just survived what was, without a doubt, the worst day of her life. She'd said goodbye to Jasper not once, but twice. She'd watched him - a man who'd been terribly wounded already for doing the right, honorable thing - get hurt physically. She'd had to watch as her best friend realized that Bella had betrayed her. Who knew if her relationship with Alice could be repaired.

That morning, in Jasper's arms, she'd sobbed quietly, Those tears were simply her emotions coming to a head, and they were nothing compared with what was to come. When she fell apart - and she knew she would - it would be ugly and loud.

As she finally got closer to home, the pressure around her heart built. As she turned onto her street, her eyes began to burn.

Just a few minutes more.

As she parked and shut off her engine, Bella rested her head on the steering wheel, suddenly overcome with fatigue. God, she'd never been so tired in all of her life. The idea of walking to the apartment was almost too much to bear.

Bella breathed deeply, trying to summon her strength. Finally, she got out.

Standing outside of her door, it took a moment for Bella to register that the vague voices she heard were actually inside her apartment. She paused, wondering dully if she was being robbed. It would be the absolute cherry on the pile of crap that was this day.

It was a testament to just how completely resigned Bella was that she didn't even think twice about opening her door.

Any other day, the sight that greeted her would have made her laugh. Edward was sitting on her couch with a slightly smaller, olive-skinned, attractive young man on his lap. Jake was on the the arm of the couch, glaring at Edward and twitching her tail in irritation.

"-this one is mine, and you can't have him," Edward was taunting her cat.

He and the other man - who Bella recalled was probably Benjamin - looked up as she walked in the door, and their relaxed grins instantly fell away. Benjamin stood quickly, looking between Bella and Edward.

"Bella?" Edward said quietly, standing and going to her.

Bella simply didn't have the energy left to try to be polite. "I really need you to leave," she said in a shaky voice.

"Yeah. I can see that happening," Edward scoffed softly. "What's wrong?"

Bella let out a strange, strangled laugh. "Everything." She paused, but her mind was still blank, and her mouth operated with no thought to guide her. "I slept with Jasper."

"What?"

Benjamin cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. He crossed to Edward and took his hand, squeezing it briefly. "I'll call you later."

Edward nodded, giving Benjamin a quick, highly distracted, kiss. As soon as the other man was gone, Edward took Bella's hand, guiding her to the couch. Obediently, Bella sat. Jake hissed warningly at Edward, pissed as usual that he would touch her mistress. "Fuck off, Jake," he snarled at the cat, pushing her off the arm of the sofa. That done, he turned back to Bella. "Talk."

Completely monotone, Bella gave him a condensed version of the events that had transpired since he left Forks.

"Jesus God," Edward said, pinching the bridge of his nose as he breathed in slowly. "What an unbelievable mess. You were right. Everything is wrong."

"It's worse than that," she said in a tiny voice.

Edward cringed. "What could possibly be worse?" he asked, sounding a little incredulous.

Bella tried to breathe, but the dam inside her that was keeping her brain free of thoughts and her heart free of emotion was breaking. The pressure on her chest was almost unbearable. The weight on her shoulders was crushing. "Edward," she whispered, her voice cracking with the despair that was quickly coming over her. "I think I'm in love with him."

The truth of those words as they tumbled out of her mouth could not be denied. Edward put his arms around her, holding her tight just as she crumpled in on herself. With her hands over her eyes and her forehead resting on his chest, Bella shattered spectacularly into a million, sharp edged shards.

A/N: I know, I know. It's horrible to leave you hanging, but two and a half weeks isn't so terribly long, is it?

Thanks to josieswan for betaing.

Dear Melly – Don't kill me. I love you.

I love you all, really. Have a merry holiday season. I won't wish you get what you want – because it would decrease my chances of Jackson, Rob or Kristen landing in my stocking, you understand – but I do wish you happiness. Have a safe New Year and I'll catch you on the flip side.