Chapter 11: In the End

Dedication: For Melly - even though she hasn't read LAST chapter yet. Tsk. Tsk.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, they own me...but Stephenie owns them so I guess she owns me. Thanks SM.

"I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter"

~In the End, Linkin Park

Jasper Whitlock's life was in shambles.

For so many years, he had simply been existing – drifting along through his days with no real sense of purpose. He was a good police officer. He was a good son, when he was called upon to be a son. He was a kind lover when he took a woman to his bed. He was steadfast friend. But what he wanted to be, for no one but himself, Jasper was completely clueless about.

While he was good at his job, it was not his choice. Jasper never would have chosen a life of police work if he hadn't had a family to support. His house was mostly blank – waiting to be filled with the tastes of a couple, not just himself. His father was dead, and his mother was far from him. He was, officially, divorced, and the only other woman he'd ever loved was inaccessible to him.

After the disaster with Alice at the Inn, Jasper felt numb for days on end. It was like waking up after being in a coma for years. He felt like a stranger in his life. His arms ached for a different woman than the one he was so used to. Slowly, his numbness wore off, leaving in its wake an unsettling discontent with his life. That discontent turned into a fury that scared him.

He was angrier than he could ever remember being. It was as if his blood had been replaced with bitter venom; he could feel it pumping into his veins, spreading poison to his limbs and pooling in the pit of his stomach. He felt the urge to destroy. Even more troubling to him was the fact that when his anger reached its peaks, it was Alice's face he saw – and the rage he felt then left him disgusted with himself.

When he nearly put his fist to Emmett's hard head, Jasper conceded that he needed help. That was when he started seeing Charlotte in Port Angeles. She was his old friend Peter's wife, and an excellent psychologist.

Charlotte reinforced what Bella started to tell him the day he signed the divorce papers. He'd never given himself the leeway to mourn his lost relationship, and the woman Alice had been before she got in the accident. In addition, he'd tapered down his anger - anger at James for damaging Alice's psyche so badly in the first place, anger that he'd had to pick up the pieces before he was really ready, anger at fate for putting Alice and her car in the wrong place at the wrong time, anger with God for her being hurt so badly and for killing the baby, and anger at Alice because she didn't remember.

Charlotte helped him realize that everyone had a breaking point. His had been the combination of the finality of signing the divorce papers - something she praised him for as it couldn't have been easy to admit that his marriage was over - and losing the possibility of Bella all at once. His fit that night had lit the flame. The anger he'd bottled up for so long acted as an accelerant. Everything was much more intense because he hadn't dealt with his emotions for years.

Emotions, Charlotte explained, were, by definition, not rational. They simply happened. What he could help was how he reacted to what he felt. Once he understood where his anger came from and why it was so strong, Jasper was better able to deal with it. He knew to stay still and take deep breaths until he was calm. He invested in a punching bag - which he set up in the room he'd finally emptied of Alice's things.

Weeks turned into months. It was six months since he'd last seen Bella, and she was still very much in his life. They didn't speak - not in voice, or even through letters. Their little packages to each other said all the words they couldn't.

Bella often sent him cookies - enough that he could share with Emmett. He wondered if she did that on purpose - making sure that he kept what little social life he had. If it was her intention, it worked. Jasper often found himself getting off his ass and visiting Emmett and Rosalie, if only to share Bella's baking. She took to his idea of highlighting favorite quotes in the books she sent. He'd never really been into fiction as much. Christopher Moore certainly, perhaps a little Hitchhiker's Guide, but that was the extent of it. He found the classics were more enjoyable when he looked at them through Bella's eyes.

Sometimes, the underlined quotes seemed to speak to him - striking a chord deep inside of him that ached for only her. They seemed to reflection of his regret that they hadn't met under different circumstances. There was a tenor about those passages that spoke of missed opportunities, and possibilities of what could have been.

The day his divorce was finalized he'd indulged again in a little alcohol. He allowed himself to think of the positives. He was free to start again. He knew that Bella cared for him; he thought of pursuing the possibility of a relationship with her.

But their one night together had caused her so much pain. She'd had so much more to lose than he had. He didn't know how to approach a relationship when he had already cost her so much. Not only that, but what did he have to offer? Would he propose that she move down to Forks? There was nothing for her here. She would be miserable, and the women her age in the town would be overwhelmingly nasty. All that aside, on a personal level he had nothing to offer. Charlotte pointed out that perhaps it was time he thought about what he wanted for himself - as a singular entity - rather than even trying to think about the possibility of couplehood, at least for the time being.

He needed a do-over. He needed a reset button.

Then it dawned on Jasper that he had a chance that not many frustrated souls had. There was no one depending on him. There was nothing that tied him to the small town of Forks. Esme had Carlisle. Emmett and Rosalie were busy with their newborn son.

The day he decided to sell his house - a little more than six months since the last day he'd seen her - Alice appeared on his front stoop with her intimating fiancé. Jasper took a step backward, shock and a little sliver of fear going down his spine. He really didn't want to have to be put in a position where he had to choose between hurting the man who Alice was going to marry, and letting himself get hurt. Again.

Alice spoke before he could. She was wringing her hands fitfully, obviously anxious. "We're not... I'm.." she tried. Then she took a deep breath. "I need to talk to you about a few things," she said all in one breath. "Felix... I just need him to be here. I hope you understand. I thought for a long time that you were someone to be afraid of. My... my body still thinks that. Do you understand?" she asked, looking up at him with tension in her eyes.

Jasper blinked stupidly for a moment, processing her words. "Thought? You don't think that anymore?" He couldn't help the hope that bled into his voice.

A small shudder went through her tiny body, and her eyebrows knitted together. It was taking a lot for her to be here. "I'm sorry," he said, backing away from the door and gesturing that they should enter. "Whatever you need. I'll let you talk."

"I'm Felix Scarpinato," Felix introduced himself as stepped in the door. He offered his hand, and, a little bewildered, Jasper took it. "I'm sorry about the first time we met," he said sincerely.

Jasper had to shake his head to dispell the surreal atmosphere that had settled over the room. "Uh - I don't think any of us wanted things to go down the way they did. For what it's worth, I don't hold it against you. Just have a seat. Can I get you anything to drink?"

"I'd really appreciate some water," Alice said in a small voice that made his heart ache automatically.

"Yeah, of course," he said, nodding. He noticed how Felix put his arm around her, responding to the tone of her voice. Jasper shook his head again, acknowledging and dismissing the echo of an echo that still thought it was his job to comfort her.

"I'm fine," Felix said at Jasper's questioning look.

Jasper nodded again, hating feeling so awkward, and scampered off to the kitchen to retrieve Alice's water. As he poured, he noticed his hands were shaking ever so slightly. His mind was racing at the same time he wished it would go blank all together. He didn't want to think about why Alice might be here - in the living room he'd once hoped to share with her. Over the last few months, with Charlotte's help, he'd begun to come to terms with the idea that he'd have to live with the fact that Alice thought he was James. He was afraid to hope that somehow - some way - she'd finally remembered .

Alice took the glass that he offered with both hands. She sipped slowly and he could see that her hands were trembling much worse than his. Felix rubbed her shoulders supportively. It took her a little over a minute before she reached in her purse and pulled out a Dictaphone. She set it on the coffee table between them and pushed play.

In an instant, James's voice filled the room. Jasper saw red, his fists clenching automatically. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly in and out as James spoke about Alice the way he always had. He talked down about her. He called her terrible names. He tore her to pieces with his words.

Jasper couldn't take it. His hand darted out before he could consciously think about it and he slammed the stop button down. He was breathing hard. Too hard. He struggled to control his rage, hating that the monster's voice had tainted the purity of his home. This place was supposed to be well out of James's range of influence. This place was supposed to be where he could build back what James had destroyed. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice tight and raw as he tried to calm down.

"No," Alice's shaky voice made him look up. His eyes opened, finding her sad eyes on him. "I'm sorry."

He looked at her and waited.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I don't remember it the...right way. I mean..." she swallowed hard and tried again. "I do and I don't. I... I remember a lot of the good things. But I tried so hard not to think of those things, because I didn't want to fall into the trap again. I didn't want to remember what it felt like when you made me laugh if you were also the one who made me cry."

Jasper slumped slightly in his chair, but before he could react, Alice continued. "But when Edward brought that to me... and after everything that's happened, I had to consider that you all were telling the truth. I mean - there was a point when I had to accept that for my memories to be true, it would have taken a conspiracy that would have put OJ Simpson's defense attorneys to shame."

Jasper's eyes darted up again, widening. She was smiling. It was a tiny, unsure smile, but it was there. He laughed once, under his breath.

Alice continued talking, telling him how out of hand it had gotten. She remembered waking up and being confused as to what time she was in. She remembered having a boyfriend but couldn't remember his name. Jasper was there - her friend Jasper, but he told her that he was her husband. He held her hand and told her over and over again that they were married and they loved each other.

Little by little, flashes of memories started to come back to her. Some, like she told Jasper, were happy memories with him. Some were more frightening memories of yelling, and being shaken, and feeling like she had to walk on eggshells. They were confusing, painful memories.

In that hospital, with her parents gone and her other friends leaving nothing more than get well cards, Alice's entire world was Jasper. Put that way, it was almost natural that her mind started to believe that Jasper was both the angel and the devil of her shattered memories. He was the one she loved, and he was the one who hurt her terribly.

The counselor that had been assigned to talk to her looked very concerned at some of her memories. Alice remembered feeling ashamed that she allowed herself to be treated that way. She remembered someone, some time, telling her that her boyfriend wasn't good for her. He would only end up hurting her. He was wrong. The counselor had gently asked if Alice had anywhere else to go. Friends. Relatives. Alice had no one. But it was enough to plant a seed. Her parents were dead. Her baby was dead. She'd almost died herself. She wanted a chance at life. She ran.

Years of counseling had only reinforced the story she'd pieced together from her shards of memories. Controlling men, as she remembered Jasper to be, were often monsters one moment and then tender lovers the next. It was a game designed to keep their victims complacent and believing that they were in love. And didn't everyone want to be loved?

As she'd begun to put herself together, making herself into the new, mostly unafraid woman she was now, she had done everything in her power to put Forks - and everything that had happened there - well behind her. As far as she was concerned, she was born the day Edward and Bella coaxed her into the counseling center.

"I need you to know that I know. I mean… I believe you," Alice stumbled.

For a minute, Jasper was sure that he'd heard wrong. And then he laughed – the sound wry and breathless and giddy all at once. His breath left him in one slow, long gust, and when he breathed in again, it seemed like for the first time in a long time, his lungs felt full. There was a constant pressure pressing down on his chest, and for the first time since he'd received the call that Alice had been in an accident, the weight dissipated. Jasper leaned forward, his head in his hands. He felt close to weeping with the relief he felt. The world wasn't righted, but with that weight off his shoulders, he felt he could at least stand up straighter. "You have no idea what that means to me," he murmured softly.

He wanted to hold her – touch her – so badly then. Not because he felt some right as her lover, he knew they would never be that to each other gain, but because he ached to express the tumultuous emotions he felt physically, especially after all these years.

The past few months, Bella had sent him numerous pictures of her, Edward and Alice from the beginnings of their friendship. It was easy to see Alice's journey there. The earliest photos she was a shell – worse even than she had been after James had left her pregnant and heartbroken on the streets of Port Angeles. Her shoulders were hunched and her arms were wrapped around her torso. Her smile, as she looked at the camera, was non existent. She stood between Edward and Bella as if she needed their support to even face the rest of the world. As time went on, documented by the still images of her life without him, Alice slowly evolved. She stood up straighter. Her smile grew into a radiant grin. Some of the last photos Bella sent showed her on her own, hands on her hips as she hammed for the camera.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there," he said sincerely, because as much as he wanted to communicate physically, he understood that part of her still thought he was the bad guy. For the time being, it was part of her psyche – like being afraid of the dark even when you knew no boogey man lurked.

"Don't apologize – not for that anyway. I know you did what you could," Alice said fervently. "And, besides that, I do want a favor from you." She breathed deeply, gripping Felix's hand before she spoke. She looked him in the eye – something she had avoided as much as possible to that point. "If there's anything these past months have taught me it's that I can't push my past away. It's part of me. Until recently, I didn't think there was anything positive left from my past. I think… well… I want to keep … I want to be able to talk. I think you can help me figure out what's real."

"Yeah, of course," Jasper promised instantly.

Alice's smile appeared again – small but present. She dropped her eyes back to her feet. "Thank you." She was silent for another few moments, sniffling quietly as she thought. "Just … one more question for now." She gulped several times and looked up again. "I don't remember hardly any of our… marriage. Little images. I remember you talking to my belly." She looked uncertain at this.

"Yeah. I did. A lot. You told me I was crazy spending so much time talking to a stomach," Jasper said softly, smiling sadly at the memory.

Alice nodded. "Were we happy?"

Jasper sat back in his chair, turning that phrase over in his head. His heart ached. Even though he knew he didn't want that life anymore – in fact, he longed for a completely different woman – the pain of the loss of his relationship with Alice was still fresh in his memory. "We were… in over our heads. Overwhelmed." He looked at her directly then, feeling nothing but tenderness for the woman he'd once hoped to share his life with. "But yeah. We were happy."

The side of her lip quirked, as if she wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. A short time later, she stood, walking with Felix to the front door. She hesitated on the porch and turned back to him. "I don't know if I can forgive Bella for what she did… but… I still care about her. I'm pretty sure she's in love with you." Alice chuffed. "At least… that's the only reason I can figure that she did what she did."

~0~

Two weeks after Alice's visit, Jasper walked into Forks Police Station as an officer for the last time. He walked out a regular citizen. It felt strange to him, losing that definition, but at the same time he felt free.

Alice's admission had relieved him of the guilt and frustration he'd carried for too long. He finally felt ready to close that chapter of his life and move on to hopefully greener pastures. His house was empty - all of the limited items he owned safely stored away for the time being. Alice had retrieved the roomful of things he'd saved for her. They were no longer his burden either - holding onto a past that she'd tried so desperately to make believe had never happened.

He was starting over - back where he should have been when he graduated high school. Jasper took some time to visit his mother in Florida first. As Alice sent him the occasional e-mail asking a random question about their past, it occurred to him that he didn't remember the person he'd set out to be - before life had thrown him the curve ball of the woman he'd pined after being finally his, though pregnant with another man's child. He wondered if his mother remembered his hopes and dreams before they'd been set aside.

Jasper's mother did him one better than faded memories. She produced a faded envelope with his name written across the front. It was written in a sloppy, boy's scrawl that he didn't recognize as his own until he opened the envelope.

The instructions at the top of the page were simple. He was to write a letter to his future self about what he hoped to be doing when he graduated college. The date placed the letter as being written around the time he was graduating from junior high to go on to high school. The directions further instructed that he was to seal the envelope and entrust to a parent for safekeeping until his college graduation.

"After everything ... I just forgot about it. I found it again only a couple of months ago, but I kept forgetting to tell you I had it," his mother said, ruffling his hair affectionately.

His eighth grade self was full of a sense of wonder he could barely remember. He babbled on about a love of history and maybe working in a museum but then confided in his future self that he really couldn't decide. He loved knowledge. There wasn't a subject available to him that didn't find some sort of fascination with.

Except math.

The eighth grader in question was fairly certain that his algebra teacher was full of shit about using all the crap equations jammed in his head. His current self agreed - he had never used the math skills that had been thrown at him throughout his school career. Liars.

After a few days with his mother, Jasper flew back to the comforts of Washington. Forks held nothing for him anymore, but that didn't mean that his home state didn't still call to him.

As he'd read over his eighth grade words, a plan had formulated in his head. At 18 or 19, when most kids were being unleashed on the "real" world for the first time, not many of them truly knew what their calling was. Jasper had already tried heading out into the world of employment. It was time to try his other option - college.

He had enough saved to put in first month's rent on an apartment in the good side of town - near to where he knew Bella's apartment to be, but that was beside the point - and hoped the sale of his house would support him as he went back to school full time. Not wanting to waste money, Jasper applied to the local community college. In his mind, the general education units that were the cornerstone of any bachelor's degree could be just as easily obtained at a community college as at a full fledged university. And it would be a great deal cheaper on top of it. By the time he was finished with his gen ed credits, he should have a better idea about what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. That was the plan, anyway.

With that much decided, Jasper was finally able to focus on what he knew for sure he wanted. Or, rather, who.

It seemed to take forever to get to Bella's place from his temporary living quarters in a hotel by SEA-TAC, but the instant he got there, Jasper was sure it hadn't taken long enough. He was suddenly worried about ridiculous things. His hair was a lot longer than it had been when she met him. What if she didn't like it? He combed his fingers through his hair self consciously before rolling his eyes at his own ridiculousness.

His underlying fear – that whatever passed between half a year before was more one-sided than he'd imagined – was put to rest almost instantly. Bella opened her door, her face drawn and so tired looking – yet as beautiful as he remembered – that his lips automatically pursed in concern. Her eyes met his, going blank for one moment before they went wide and lit up brighter than the Las Vegas strip. "Jasper? Jasper!" She cried as she hurtled herself into his arms.

He hardly had time to return her fierce hug before she had stumbled back a couple of steps. Then she was shoving him and hitting him - not hard, but it was shocking nonetheless.

"You're in trouble," an amused voice informed him. Jasper looked away from Bella's furious face to see Edward grinning at him. The bronze-haired man got up, clapping Jasper once on the shoulder before walking past him out the door. "And didn't I tell you to stop letting people beat you up?" He laughed again and leaned in to kiss Bella's forehead. "I'll see you around."

As soon as he walked away, Jasper turned his bewildered gaze back toward Bella. The fury had drained from her face, and she stood with her hand clamped hard over her mouth, her eyes filing with tears. "Bella?" he said, uncertainly taking a step toward her. She didn't move. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Her eyes narrowed and she stepped forward, putting a finger in his face. "You! You disappeared you idiot!" she exploded. Then she was pacing back and forth in front of him. "Do you have any idea what it did to me? Carlisle and Esme went to look at a house for sale in Forks only to find out it was yours...and you were no where to be found. How could you do that to me? I thought you'd disappeared forever," she ranted, all but oblivious to his presence.

Under different circumstances Jasper would have straight out smacked his forehead for his own idiocy. Instead, he stepped in front of her, putting both hands on her shoulders to stop her frantic movements. "I didn't think... I didn't stop to think of how it would look if you found out."

Her shoulders slumped and she calmed then, stepping forward into his embrace. Jasper breathed deep, taking all of her in. It felt so good to have her slight body tucked against his. "I was just so scared that I'd never see you again," she mumbled against his chest.

They sat on her couch, putting a little distance between them as Jasper explained everything that had happened in the last few weeks. His heart panged when Bella expressed surprise that Alice had visited him. Their friendship was in such shambles that Bella hadn't even known that Alice went back to Forks, let alone that they occasionally e-mailed.

And then, he finally got to the part that had led him to come to Seattle in the first place; what had brought him to her door.

"I've thought a lot about your dad in the last few months," he admitted.

Bella looked confused. "My dad?" she echoed.

He couldn't help but smile at the way her nose crinkled along with her eyebrows when she spoke. Even after all the time they'd spent apart, that fire of adoration - of love - sparked hope in him, giving him the courage to say what he'd come to say. "I thought about how different his life might have been if he hadn't gone after your mom and you. He probably would have ended up just like I did - working in the police station, climbing the ladder and coming home to an empty house."

"But you went after Alice at first," Bella said, still not catching on.

Jasper's lips quirked up into a half grin and he reached out, stroking her cheek. "I wasn't talking about Alice," he said, his voice low and serious.

Her eyes searched his - hopeful, but scared to assume.

"Bella... I want to," he searched for the right words. "I want the chance to figure out what we have together. If that's what you want."

Her eyes fluttered as she blinked at him, and then a radiant, beautiful grin spread over her face. She pressed her lips together, as if trying to contain the giddy smile so she could answer seriously. "Well, I have one question."

Both of his eyebrows shot up at the semi-serious look on her face. "What's that?"

"You're not a police officer anymore..."

His hands found hers on the sofa cushion. When she wrapped her fingers with his, he had to fight back a smile of his own. "Does that make you upset?" She was confusing the hell out of him, but he was right on the cusp of happiness. He could feel it. He could see it.

"No," she shook her head. "But... did you... by any chance... keep the uniform?"

Jasper blinked at her for one second before he threw his head back with a full bellied laugh of complete adoration and amusement. "Come here," he murmured, tugging at her hands. Obediently, she scooted toward him, wrapping her arms around him as she curled against his side. He cupped her cheek with one hand, taking in the happiness that sparkled in her eyes. He kissed her once, filling the moment with all the tenderness and affection he had for her. He felt, finally, at home. "I kept the uniform," he rumbled against her lips before he kissed her in earnest.

A/N: So...uh... I forgot to warn you that this is a short story. Just one more chapter and an epilogue.

I'm doing a little better on my New Year's resolution to review reply to everyone. Not there yet, so bare with. I appreciate each and every one of your comments and I love that you're enjoying this story. I'm just trying to juggle two jobs and two fics.

Love always to the amazing josieswan and barbaurella. I'm surrounded by awesome.