It's hard to accept what you don't understand,
And it's hard to launch without knowing how to land.
And how when it burns you can't change a thing;
Oh, you can soften the blow, but you can't stop the sting.

And I've been going through changes, with nothing at all.
And I know that I needed changes, but not this cause this is not painless.
No, this is not painless: Nothing at all

- Going Through Changes, Army of Me

Hermione,

Obviously, I'm now home safe and sound. You saw me leave with my mother.

It's terrible. She hasn't stopped crying all day, all night, and all morning now. She actually fell asleep next to me on my bed, and I was completely restless so I watched her unsteady breathing pattern all night.

I think I legitimately made her fear for my life, she refuses to believe that it all wasn't intentional. Jean can't even get her to calm down. She was really concerned, she really cares. It makes me feel good rather than bad, actually, that she's so concerned.

Still, I can't help but wallow in this pity. I'm such a self-absorbed piece of garbage, honestly.

And I miss you so much.
I really hope this gets better, because I've yet to feel any relief I guess I was meant to feel being relieved of my academic obligation.

I hope you're ok.
I love you.
Draco

Hermione,

So far, I think this woman's alright. She's been talking to me about my feelings, which is…surprisingly not as difficult as I thought it would. Given how hard it is with people I know. Guess that's why they call it therapy.

I don't feel much better, I still miss you so much every passing second it hurts me. Fuck, it's only been two weeks.

And while I'd love it if you missed me too, that it feels as if there's a little tear in your heart that will be void til we meet again, I hope you've spent your days catching up so you`re 100%. Surpassed all the other students as always, I'm sure, caught up the slack from when I distracted you?

I'm kidding, I can already envision the look of disapproval on your face. I know if I distracted you, you would have told me so.

I'm very glad they handed you back my old Prefect duties, even if it's for Slytherin. Kind of odd, I suppose, but if Theo wouldn't take it…My hypothesis is that McGonagall wanted to give you something nice for your credentials in your last year, don`t really know why you let somebody else take it in the first place. You'd be the best Head Girl, i'm certain.

Okay, I'm rambling. I just don't want to stop pretending that I'm actually speaking to you. My heart still weighs heavy constantly.
I really didn't think it was possible to love somebody as much as I love you.

I miss you.
Draco

PS: To answer your question, I do feel safe here. The isolation is not as bad as it was. And I will be ok. Eventually.

Fuck this woman, fuck everything about her.

I HATE HER.
You know what she said? She said that I felt like I've been devoid of real affection for so long that I was leaning on you solely, as if I didn't appreciate my mother or never liked my father. Because I told her how I felt when I was running into the forest. That I "was so emotionally unstable that I was never able to shake the feeling that I was acting like a burden" on you.

What does she know, anyways? I'm never seeing her again.

Literally all I tried to do the whole time I went to bloody Hogwarts was try to move on.

I'm so pissed off right now.

Hermione

I wish you were here.

You were right. I overreacted. I know she was trying to help, okay. I SWEAR I didn't yell at her, please don't curse me through mail. I believe your threats, you know. When you say you'll do it, I don't doubt it.

Remember when you said that it was hard to love me because I hate myself? It's probably the truest thing you've ever said. I can't bear to hear bad things about myself from other people, criticism. Because I know it's all the truth.

I just thought that when you decided you liked me….loved me….that maybe I was actually starting to be different. I'm just not over all the hang ups, I swept them under the rug when I should've faced them.

I hope I will get better with time, I suppose I can talk to my Healer Elsanna about things I couldn't talk about with you. And maybe that'll help.

Maybe.

When can I see you by the way? Can you get permission to leave on weekends? Please ask.

Love you.
Draco

Hermione,

Merlin, I didn't mean to make you so irate if I did, darling.

I can't talk to you about certain things not just because of shame, but because it's just….it's too close to home for you. You really think I've forgotten about what almost happened to Weasley? To Katie Bell? What I did to Madam Rosmerta?

There's this pity you see in me which most others don't. You get frustrated when they don't sometimes, but it's very clear why they wouldn't feel sorry for me. I wouldn't feel sorry for me.

You think I don't dream about it all still at least once a week, see Potter flashing in my mind, cursing me? Because I do. My nightmares aren't intense as they once were, but they're always prevalent. I'm not coping with rum anymore, I promised myself I would stay sober. No potions either.

It's a hell of a lot easier writing down what I can't tell you so I don't have to see your face when I say these things, but often I find myself wishing I could've died when Potter hit me with that spell. I wish Snape didn't save me.

It's what I would've deserved, after all.

I don't want to tell you these things because I know how much it worries you.

What's keeping me alive right now is you. And I hope that doesn't affect you more than it should, or make you feel responsible for me or something, just…..my mother's love for me has always been there, right? I take it for granted sometimes, but it's different than your love.

Yours means more to me.

Draco

Hermione,

Your last letter brought me to tears. Don't feel bad for asking me about everything, ok? You caring enough to ask in the first place makes me warm inside.

I've sealed it in its envelope and hidden it away so only I can ever read it.

I don't deserve someone so amazing as you.
But one day I hope to be worthy. My main motivation for getting over this crap is you. And maybe that's not right of me, maybe I'm sick in the head. But it's a start.

I love you,
Draco.

Hermione,

I love you so fucking much.
Good luck with your quarterly exams, I know you'll do amazing.

Draco

Hermione,

It's been two days, I know, nothing's happened of interest.
I'm just so disgustingly bored.

My mother doesn't want me to leave, so I've walked around the garden about one thousand times, tallied the bricks on the fountain terrace as I paced it; there's 567.

Counting the days til you're in my arms again,
Draco

Hermione,

Yes I know I could very well do my homework.

I think Slughorn is losing his mind, he wants me to send him vials of potion I'm supposed to be brewing now. What if my owl accidentally drops it and it breaks onto muggle territory, making some poor woman from Cornwall sprout ear pustules?

That might be funny, actually.

Anyways, I'm up to date. Promise.
Ask the teachers, they'll back me up.

Guertin gave me an Outstanding on my DADA essay about defensive strategies against banshees, even. Though that was mostly due to you talking about them for one of your tests, and that book you recommended. I have it here in my library.

Yes, I have a library Yes, I'm trying to entice you to come. It's an expansive library, Hermione. I hadn't been in it in a while, mind, sometimes I forget it's actually there to be honest. But there are over 10,000 titles according to mother dearest, and they're crying to be opened.

Miss you.
Draco

When are you coming?

The flowers are starting to bloom, and all I can think is that I'd love to lie down in the grass and kiss you.

It's been so long since I've seen your face, since I've touched your skin. Since I've gotten to feel your lips on mine. It's excruciating.

And this isn't romantic at all, but I really want to fuck your brains out. Male you scream for me, come for me.
God, I hope nobody reads this except you.

Hermione,

Your last letter made me more aroused than I thought was ever possible.
I do understand that you have been trying and McGonagall won't budge on it, but if anyone can persuade her, it would be you.

I started reading a book, by the way. A fiction book.

I'm nearly done, but I am not so certain why I have kept reading, it's so depressing.

It's about a boy who is bitten by a werewolf when he's twenty. Before that he was a very esteemed Auror. He tries to hide his new affliction, but this was written way before Wolfsbane potion was created. They see his scars after one particular nasty night out in his transformation, and after everyone finds out at the Ministry, they shun him. All his friends leave him alone, and he loses his job because he's deemed dangerous. Someone from his neighbourhood assembles a mob and they set fire to his house. He runs away and hides himself in mountains. Snaps his wand in half. Doesn't want to be a wizard. He goes insane.

All he wants to do is talk to someone but , the only ones who listen are the wolves when he is transformed. He's not supposed to remember this after he turns back into a human, but he does. He starts to long to stop being a human anymore, he wishes to be a wolf fully.

I'm not sure where the author is going with this. I'll let you know.
Draco

Hermione,

Yes, I suppose I was very invested in the whole thing, sorry. I'm alright. The book…it's much better than I'm able to describe it. It's called Going Through Changes by Petra Lycander.

Anyways, Elsanna thinks I'm making progress. I saw her yesterday. I wish I had her scale of betterment, because I still feel like colossal bollocks. My mother, at least, has finally realized I'm not going to hang myself when she's away from me for two seconds.

My god, my mind is everywhere. What was I – oh yeah. Healing. Elsanna said I had a 'revelation'.
And no, I don't know what that revelation was. I wish I did.

She wants me to figure it out on my own.

Miss you, as always. I will try to stop pestering you about visiting.
Draco

She's really not going to let you see me, is she? It's almost July.

Got to hand it to the Headmistress, she never fails on protocol. But fucking hell, you have to wait until a holiday? When is there going to be a holiday? You'll be out of school before then. Fucking messed up school schedule.

August there's a break? August?
That's so far away. I feel like crying, no, I am crying.

There's this paranoia I have that you'll find someone before I get to see you again, and all this improvement of myself will have nobody to appreciate it as much as you would. But I'm just being silly, I know you'd tell me if you felt any different.
And no, that you've asked me a hundred times doesn't help, but I still don't know what my revelation is. Do you know?

By the way, I finally finished the book. The man, Gervase, wanders to a town in the middle of nowhere in Serbia. He doesn't mean to, he had traveled for months, doesn't remember his own name, and hunts in forests when he's hungry. He hides himself under a cloak. But somebody spots him in the darkness and thinks he's a criminal. So he shows himself and says no, he's just lost and hungry. It's a muggle inn owner that finds him. He collapses at a stable girls feet once inside. She leads him up to a room, gives him some beer, and lets him stay for free because she thinks he's handsome, she tells him so. He is so surprised and grateful, he starts to weep. And winds up telling her his secret, feeling he can't live a lie anymore, that she doesn't deserve to be fooled by his ugliness, that someone so kind could never like a monster. Shows her the scars on his body from animal fights. But she kisses them instead and tells him he seems lonely, and honest. That somebody who reveals to her his greatest shame can't be that bad.
It ends when they get married, they're in a chapel saying their vows. He has his wand again.

I'm going to send it to you.
I think you'd like it.
Draco

The parchment pages are wet as I re-read them for what feels like at least the tenth time through.

I didn't think I'd miss him that much when he was gone, convinced myself he was getting help and that it was most important for him, while most important for me was getting O's.

There's something indescribable though, something I just cannot ignore, a pleasure that resonates from within my heart every time I see his owl swoop in in the mornings to deliver me a letter.

Tearing open the silver M seal and feeling the paper at my fingertips, imagining how Draco felt writing to me, the swoop in my chest at the cursive 'I love you's, are feelings I've never experienced. The loneliness once the glow dims….it's akin to when Ron left Harry and I in the Forest of Dean, but so much greater.

"Hey," someone has taken hold of my shoulders. I've been huddled in the corner chair by the fireplace. It's dark, almost 10 pm, I didn't think anyone was up.
I'm so startled I can't emit any noise.

But as I search for the source, adjusting my sight to the rest of the common room, I already know by the voice it's going to be highlighted by eyes that are gentle and green.

"Hermione, are you ok?"
Harry settles down in front of the brick, so his back gets ample heat, and faces me on the ground, the flames dancing vividly off reflection of his glasses. Fiddling with his thumbs, he waits for me to speak.

"Yeah," I reply, my throat scratchy and sore from trying not to sob. I don't cry often, I'm just especially melancholy tonight.

"McGonagall still not letting you go?"

"No," I sigh, practically slamming everything in my hands onto the floor, the dull thunk causing Harry to swiftly move his legs out of its path. "She says it's not allowed unless it's a holiday. It's been almost two months, I can't take it anymore. Writing isn't enough. I know he's getting better, but….I just miss him you know?"

"So….he is getting better?"

The skepticism laced in is tone is not lost on me, but he's trying to be nice. He actively came down here to speak with me.

"Yes. He's getting therapy…and just….the way he's been talking to me. He only seemed upset for the first few weeks. And the way he's been talking about his healer….I think he's ok."

"Well…that's good," he assures me, unsure of what he else he could say.

"Look, we don't have to talk about Draco. But that's why I'm upset. I miss him."

It's against school rules to Apparate in the near vicinity outside school grounds and the Floo Network is not connected anywhere. I have debated the issue with McGonagall for a long time, but she won't relent. Five more weeks until I see him is going to be absolute torture.
Everything is different now he's gone, not in a bad way necessarily, but it's strange.

Harry started talking to me again like we were normal three days after he was gone. Ginny….well, Ginny hated that, but she is falling for him again, I know it. She can't keep her eyes off him whenever they're in the same room. It's killing her that she can't be with him.

And Ron, oh Ron.
We barely have conversations, but he will come and say hello to me, will sit near me in the Great Hall. We're all acting like we're a tight-knit family again, even though it's still a messy masquerade.

So happy to have everyone else I care about back in my life, I'm still left missing the way he looked at me, the way he held me in his arms. Guess you can't have everything.

"I know how you feel. It's like…uh," he falters noticing my gaze trained on him, "it's like when I was away from Ginny for so long. When I saw her in her room at the Burrow, knowing that it would be the last time for a while. Hurt a lot, and it hurt even more holding in how I felt because there was something more important at hand."

Staring straight ahead to avoid me looking at him, I realize I've never really had a heart to heart with Harry quite like this. He, like a lot of boys I know, has a hard time expressing his inner feelings.

"You know I guess I forgot about that when we were out hunting horcruxes. We were so absorbed in thinking about Voldemort…and about surviving really…I guess I was content to have you and Ron there with me even if it was difficult. And then when he left…you were there for me through it all. I guess I never really thanked you for keeping me sane."

"Hermione, you stayed with me through everything. You were one of the only ones, and one of the only people I trust. You never have to thank me for anything."
His hand is squeezing mine, enclosing me in warmth. Though I'm happy at his admission, I shiver now, realizing that even in the bask of the fire I'm freezing. I'm down here in nightclothes after all. I just wanted a light source to read, so as to not disturb the girls.

"Cold?"

"I'm fine."

Unsure of what to say, thoughts are overwhelming me about how I've treated Harry, how he's treated me, how he and Ron are not the same person but I've been thinking of them as one entity. Harry harbouring intense anger towards Draco was truly justified, I guess everyone's anger was, but I suppose I never stopped to really mull over the implication of what I was doing based on Harry's emotions. I was dating someone whose father gave his girlfriend a cursed diary, who accidentally poisoned Ron, his best friend, constantly tormented said friend for being poor. He fired a killing curse at Harry, even if they were fighting, and almost got us killed in the Room of Requirement. He fired a spell at me too, made my teeth grow. Called me a mudblood.

I guess when you can see through someone so easily as I have, it's easier to forgive them. I knew Draco was all talk, no action. And I also realised how repentant Draco was from the day he yelled at us on the train coming back here to know he was hurting. It was so obvious guilt was eating him alive. I see a change, but Harry can't yet.
And he tried to not be an arse initially. He tried going to Dragonblood with us. It was only at school where every venue serves as a reminder of what happened in the past year did Harry cave. And I suppose I have to understand that. Because, while he hasn't shown it very well, deep down I know Harry cares for me. Otherwise he wouldn`t have been so cross.

We sit in silence until curiosity gets the better of me in these intrusive ideas swirling around my head.
"By the way, did you hear me get up? How did you know I was here?"

"I didn't know. I couldn't sleep, I ahem, had a dream about Ginny. I came down and then you were here. I figured we might as well be insomniacs together. I realize we haven't really been buddy buddy lately the way we could be…" he trails.

"It's fine. Really."

"No – " he cuts me off, shaking his head before looking up at me with effort, "it's not. Like Ginny said at the Burrow after you left when we all yelled. When we got pissed at you for having the audacity to date someone we don't like….you keep us together. We need you. Ron is a great mate, but you are so smart and controlled, and he's….he's been rubbish to get me through lately, you know? Not his fault, just you were always so great at helping me out when it came to relationships."

Sliding off the cushion, I am levelled with Harry as I engulf him in a hug, patting him on his messy black head, knowing he probably just needs someone here to listen. Someone who isn't Ginny's sibling.

His arms wrap around mine with need, and for a fleeting moment I'm given a flashback. His sincerity reminds me of Draco's, and I imagine that that is who I'm embracing instead, to delude myself a bit to help this sadness I'm in.

"I missed you Hermione. I'm glad we're talking. There's nothing I can say to excuse how I've been acting. I just couldn't believe my eyes, and I – you didn't need that," he says evenly in my ear, still holding me. "I'm sorry."

"I'll always be here, Harry. You know that. Through anything."

"Well I'm going to be here too now. I promise."

It's been 48 days, and I might be going slightly insane.

Or else, afflicted with cabin fever.
I think I miss Hermione so much, I'm channelling her. I've literally gone through 35 books so far, on top of my school ones. Doing homework at every spare moment when I feel bored. At least I'll graduate well.

Ha.

My mother is fine company, Jean is pleasant too, but they still are talking to me as if I'm mental, not going to be if I don't escape this place soon. Every dinner is like some party they want to throw for me, being overly cheery, talking to me about what I studied that day. It's grating.

I've taken to scribbling down random lyrics….and writing music to match. But it's so personal, I haven't divulged to anyone except Elsanna that I have been trying to be artistic.
The songs...they're much too….they're too… can't think of a word that fits right. I'm just not usually one to show my work. I'll play or sing someone else's works, but not something I carved out of my own heart.

Maybe I should tell Hermione I've been playing piano, at least. My fingers hitting the keys really reminds me of when we were partners, when we had everything before this mess I created.

I don't know why I haven't.
Elsanna thinks I should share my poetry with Hermione, but. I don't know. I feel so frightened.

Speaking of Elsanna, after about 18 sessions so far, I no longer want to slit my throat when I open my mouth. I don' t mind sharing.

I don't mind…..crying.
She finally got it out of me that I used the Imperius curse, as if she didn't already know, and all the questions about morals, and about why I did it – I was left a sobbing mess on the floor. It was right after I wrote Hermione. Hermione was livid that I was 'hiding' things from her. She can be a bit irrational sometimes, and she felt really bad once I told her I still get some very bad thoughts in my mind. I love that about her; her fiery spirit. That she gets so upset about me makes me feel special, even if that's selfish.

She wants me to feel good, and maybe i'm finally starting to. I think now I've gone out and actually verbally stated my sins, though, I can move past it all. Which I suppose is the essence of therapy; self-realization.

Speaking of which, I still don't know what this bloody revelation I'm supposed to be having is.
All I did was talk to the healer about Going Through Changes during that one…I became a bit enthralled in it, enthralled in a book. So rare for me.

I just really related to Gervase. You know?
Like, this man loses everything because of something he has no control over, and he then loses a sense of who he is, and he's so afraid of himself and what he's capable of because he doesn't know how he gets all these scars, how he winds up with blood on his hands. He can't remember who he was, and I –

Fuck.

I am such a blind idiot.

I get it.
I GET IT.

Shuffling from my spot by the pond outside, my feet are taking me back to the manor before I even realize what I want to do. Flinging open the glass doors, I'm racing through the halls to the foyer, to get to the stairs.

"Darling, are you ok?"
My mother is leaning out of her bedroom, no doubt hearing the stamping of my feet on the woodwork.

"I'm great! I had a reaization!"
And I leave her in the dust with a bewildered expression as I'm settling at my desk, grabbing a fresh quill and my old parchment. The sun is going down outside, and I write frantically so I can try and deliver it before it's too late.

Hermione

I figured it out!
I know what the revelation is!

I'm Gervase! I related to somebody, even if it was in literature. I found myself in something else. That has to be what it is, right? I understand how I feel through him.

I'm Going Through Changes too. Is that completely off base, completely mental, or what?

And you…you're like the stable girl. Salvadora. You saw something in me that nobody else has seen.
You gave me a second chance.
At life, at being able to believe in myself.

I love you so much.
Draco

No, that's not enough. I need to add something more.

PS: I know I told you I've been reading, but….I've also been composing. And writing. This is a poem I wrote about you, that I swore to myself I'd never show you. But here we are. I don't want to hide:

I am the desert and you are the rain
That touches my lips but never seems to stay
Long enough for me to be
Fully satisfied

And the salty tears
Of my dry eyes
Will not sustain me
Forever

They never could like
You would

I wish you were an oasis
So I could dive in so deep
And stay there forever
I'd never sleep

And if I drowned I'd feel so happy
Because you are What I want
What I need

And I would experience you
If only for one single
Moment
And consider myself so lucky

There are some who will call me
Crazy
But I tell you they're oh so
Wrong

They've never heard the
Sweet voices sing
Never seen the daylight
Touch the morning sky

And understood that
Things like these
Only happen
Once
In your lifetime

And that is what you are
To me
A rare occurrence
That we all deserve to see

Each unique for every person
It's called love
True Love

Touching the leather bound novel, Harry treads his fingers over the shiny gold text: Passe par des Changements .

An illustration of a landscape under moonlight, with a grey wolf howling in the trees of a forest rests underneath in brightly coloured ink.

"So what is this? New reading material? Thought you loved non-fiction. Passe par des Changements…." Harry recites in terrible French.

"It's a book Draco gave me. He really loved it. Please, don't -" I plead as he's begun to finger the mass of letters, rifling through them in a row before apologizing.

"It's okay, it's just personal."

We're still down here, an hour and a bit later. Neither of us were tired, so we're huddled on the hearth in blankets. Both of us are in relationship-related sorrow, so my companion ran upstairs and grabbed some spare firewhisky that Ron hides in his bedside table. Heated up by the fire, we've been sipping at it straight from the bottle.
Misery loves company.

"Fluent in French? He would be," Harry mutters, rolling his eyes despite himself.

"Oh come on, he's an aristocratic pureblood," I say, smacking him on the arm. "He must follow the proper bourgeois protocol."

Though we're both a little upset, I find myself giggling like a child alongside him, the buzz in my head a nice dissonance from my constant stream of thought that plagues me daily.

"I still don't know what you saw in him. Sorry, see," he corrects, leaning back against the chair frame next to me, forcing the alcohol in my hand. I chance a glance at him to see his eyes a little glazy before taking one tentative sip.

"He's interesting. And passionate. He's sort of like…he's kind of like a snake. I suppose. Most people think they're dangerous, poisonous, something you should never touch or get close to at all…wait, no, that's a terrible metaphor. There's not really a good side to snakes I can think of," I snort.
God, I really am tipsy.

"I just love him a lot, he makes me feel a way I never have before. He makes me feel beautiful, intelligent, and like what I have to say is fascinating. And when he's gone…you know, I'm normally so independent and crave being solitary sometimes, but there's something missing when he leaves. I always want to be around him. You know?"

"Kinda," Harry says, furrowing his brow.

"Plus," I continue, wincing after another gulp of the smoky liquid, "he really knows how to shag."
The words are out of my mouth before my filter can react and I smack my hands to my mouth.
Dammit.

"Uh…."

"I think that's the cue to get to bed. It's past midnight and I don't really fancy going to class hungover," I say, stifling a hiccup while trying to not let him see the redness that's creeping up my neck. So embarrassing.

I've never had any talk about sex with Harry, why would I?

"Yeah…."
We both stumble as we get up, and he catches my hand as I almost fall over back to the floor.

"Merlin, didn't think we actually drank that much," Harry laughs, shaking the near empty bottle as we descend up the first flight of stairs.
He trips and just balances in the nick of time, standing upright.

"We can replace it….well, good night," I say, grabbing him for a goodbye hug, grateful to have someone here to pass the time with. I can't be whiny with Ginny, wailing about how I miss a bloke when hers is out of her life for now. "It was nice talking with you. I really mean it."

"Best time I've had in a while," he confesses, rubbing my shoulder gently.

Drawing back from him, I smile; he smiles back.
And then….then he flickers his gaze up and down, from my mouth to my eyes in a way he's never done before.

It reminds of…Draco.
No.

I'm just drunk, it's fine.

We're drenched in darkness, he's probably just focusing vision, is what I naively think.
And suddenly, he's close. Way too close.

He's snogging me, he's crushing me into him. Oh god, he's snogging me fiercely, his hands groping me awkwardly. It takes me by such surprise that my voice dies in my throat; instead I push him back much harder than I intended.

"What the hell was that?"
Fury replaces the gratefulness I felt mere seconds ago; funny how one tiny action can change the whole world.

But I get no reply; he looks like he's just seen a ghost, then spins round and marches up to his dorm before I can demand anything more, leaving me on a step with my lips burning and shame swallowing me whole.