Mission 34: Zolom
"It's dangerous, they say, it eats travelers, they say, and chocobo and even children. It has to be dealt with; it's bad so it must be Shinra's fault. It's bad so Shinra must have somehow made it and Shinra has to fix it. And when you want trouble to come, it doesn't!"
The blue chocobo tilted his head to the side and looked at Reno as if he were insane. "Wark!"
"My thoughts exactly, buddy." Reno had been sent off to the swap near the chocobo farm to deal with the giant snake that resided in it. Any problem that troubled the world would be declared Shinra's fault and it would be the Turks' mess to clean up.
"Wark!" The chocobo stood around idly, trained to wait for its master, even if said master was just standing around. Arquan tilted his head back and looked away and if trying to say "I'm better than you."
Reno pouted, the Zolom wasn't coming out and the chocobo that was supposed to help him in this very annoying mission had a superiority complex. He stood at the swap where the ground was humid slippery and muddy, and made noise, threw rocks and waited, but the deadly serpent that allegedly lived in the swap refused to come out to greet him.
Stupid overgrown worm, when people wanted to get past it, it came out to eat them. But when the brave knight stood ready to slay it and rescue Princess Paycheck, the beast refused to show itself.
Arquan, the blue chocobo, walked around the area near Reno, bored out of his mind. "Wark!" He was practically begging for the Zolom to try to sneak up on him, but it didn't. "Wark!"
After a while of fruitless, and snake-less, waiting, a yellow female wild chocobo approached the domesticated blue one. "Wark!"
"Go away!" Reno threw some greens as far away as possible into the swamp.
The hungry wild chocobo to rush after the greens; she sat down, not caring about the mud sticking to her feathers and ate.
"Wark!" Arquan looked displeased, but then looked away with the same superior attitude he gave Reno. If that other chocobo preferred food over him, then she wasn't good enough anyway.
"You're not here to flirt or give me an attitude; you're supposed to be helping me!" Reno was muddy, dirty, filthy and very uncomfortable. He was certain that he would need to spend a lot of time in the shower to get the mud off, and obviously his uniform was a lost cause that would be thrown away.
"Wark!" The yellow chocobo female called as if asking for more greens, but she didn't even get up. "Wark!"
"Fine, just shut up!" Reno threw more greens at her and she continued eating them.
"Wark!" Arquan complained because he wasn't being fed, and he was used to being fed top quality greens all the time.
"I get it," Reno was about to toss more greens on the ground but the blue chocobo protested.
"Wark! Wark! Wark!" Arquan sounded offended.
"Oh right, you're too good to eat off the ground." Reno held out the greens, his glare reflecting the same sarcasm and frustration as his voice.
"Wark!" Arquan regally ate the greens off Reno's hand in small bites, giving Reno a few glances of superiority as if the red haired human was his slave. At least Arquan was too civilized and egotistical to sink low enough to bite his 'slave', that would be primitive and uncivilized.
Time passed and the Zolom still wouldn't come out. Just when Reno thought he hit rock bottom, a stray black chocobo female landed near by. Arquan elegantly walked around, wondering if the dark feathered lady would have better taste than the blond feathered one who only cared about greens.
The stray black chocobo gently nudged Reno. "Wark!"
Reno petted the black chocobo, "I guess you want greens too. Sorry girl, I don't have any more food. Yellow girl and Mr. Superiority Complex ate it all."
"Wark!" The flying chocobo didn't leave but continued cuddling Reno.
"You don't want greens, just attention?" The chocobos were too calm, as if they knew Zolom wasn't coming and Reno found that to be very suspicious.
Eventually at the end of the day, Reno returned home, leaving a trail of mud in his path. He threw his uniform on the floor and took a very long shower to get the mud and dirt off. Several hours later, he emerged fully clean and starved.
While Reno looked around the refrigerator, his PHS rang, Tseng's name displayed on the screen. "If you're calling about the Zolom report then I don't have it."
"You don't need to make a report for that, since the mission was cancelled. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer so I assumed you knew the mission had been cancelled and turned off your PHS."
The entire day replayed in Reno's mind in fast forward. Everything from Arquan being a loud mouth brat demanding attention, just like Rufus, to the wild black chocobo female who didn't know the difference between a chocobo and a human.
"The signal must have been bad in the swamp. I was trying to tell you that the WRO's nature loving activists moved the Zolom to Wutai's new aquarium to stop Shinra from killing it. At least it won't bother the travelers anymore." Tseng explained.
"Then I spent the day in the swamp putting up with Arquan's Rufus-attitude for nothing?" Reno heard some tapping on his apartment window and saw the flying chocobo female he met in the swamp. "Did you say Wutai aquarium?"
The next day people would speak of the surprise attack; the rain of bombs dropped by a flying chocobo that annihilated everything in the Wutai aquarium.
End of Mission 34
Disclaimer, I don't own Final Fantasy VII. Mission 34 was requested by Nique. Doesn't this remind you of that "no bars" cell phone commercial? XD