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Chapter 4 - Impossible Thoughts

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to lose

And it's you and me and all other people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

One of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right

I'm tripping on words

You've got my head spinning

I don't know where to go from here

You and me - Lifehouse

We have a new warden in our ranks. The girl is elven, one of the Dalish. We still don't know what happened to her clan, she hasn't spoken since she went through her Joining. I think she does understand what we say to her, but she is withdrawn, and there is a sadness to her I wish I could get rid of.

She is beautiful. I really find myself attracted to her, and wish I could do something to-

Alistair stopped writing for a moment, remembering her lovely blue eyes, long lashes, soft pink lips and trembled slightly. Maker's breath, what was coming over him?

He grasped the quill again firmly and continued writing -ease her pain, but I don't know what.

We lost Velanna today also. She cried out her sister's name before she disappeared into the darkness. We tried to look for her but there was no trace of her. There must have been another branch of the tunnel hidden in the darkness but we never found it.

I can't put into writing how I still feel about Teslin's death, and my heart is heavy as I write. Maker's breath! Why is it that I was so foolish? How could I have let exhaustion cloud my mind? I am the Warden Commander!

Then, his writing got jerkier, and blotches started appearing on the page as he pressed down on the page too hard.

I don't deserve to be Warden Commander. I am just a fool playing general. Duran never should have suggested I do this. Well, he didn't give me much of a choice to say no, did he? He ran off to Orzammar, and left me with the burden. He writes but never agrees to the one thing I want him to do. He always says no and that I'm doing a good job. Ha!

Teslin is dead now, and it's all my fault.

The last sentence was written so angrily, that the quill had scratched straight through the page. A shadow now fell on the page, making him glace upwards quickly. Fernan stood there looking down at him. Alistair closed the journal with a resounding clap.

"What can I do for you, Fernan?" He asked curtly.

"Commander. Teslin's death was not your fault. The darkspawn attacked quickly and could have killed us all. We were drugged."

"What?" Alistair cried out, but all the same his voice had a hint of hope in it, just a sliver.

"I found the remains of the drug just outside the camp, it was in this vial, some of it is still in there, so don't pull the stopper out. I recognized the drug immediately, because of its distinct golden hue." He held out the vial to Alistair, who took it, his hands shaking slightly.

After a while, he handed the vial back to him and drew out a long breath.

"Thank you, Fernan. This- this means a lot to me."

"Certainly, Commander. I also wanted to add that the newest warden will not eat. Perhaps you could do something about that?" He quizzed, tilting his head to the side before bowing slightly and leaving Alistair's tent.

They had set up camp a while ago, after finally leaving the darkspawn tunnels. There was a small creek nearby and the trees protected them from the cold wind that had started to pick up upon their arrival.

Alistair stood up, placing his journal in his pack and hurried out of his tent. His heart was beating a little faster, and he tried to calm himself but his heart still raced and he was annoyed because he couldn't control it.

He stopped in front of the fire, his eyes automatically falling to the small figure sitting in front of it sadly. Then, he took a deep breath and plunged right in.

...

"Hello," the shemlen said softly to her. "Can I sit down?" She looked up into his warm amber eyes and after a while nodded.

"I was beginning to think you didn't understand our language. I'm relieved to be quite honest. I- I'm not very fluent in Orlesian and my accent is terrible," he said, his eyes twinkling.

She took his handsome features in and curiously gave him another glance before turning her gaze back to the fire.

"My name is Alistair and I'm the Warden Commander. I know that you are Dalish," he paused as she turned back to him again, this time the expression in her eyes had changed to anger and he faltered, "but I won't ask you any questions about yourself, I promise," he finished hurriedly in an apologetic tone.

She relaxed after a moment and the corners of her lips twitched slightly, but Alistair caught the movement, and he smiled, relieved at his small victory for the time being.

"You are a Grey Warden now, and I was thinking that maybe you need to know some more about our order. For example, Grey Wardens are known to eat a lot. And by a lot I mean, well- huge quantities of food. So, it's all right for you to be feeling hungry right now. Because your body needs it. You see, your body is changing, just adapting to the darkspawn blood you drank and it needs to-"

"I am not hungry," the girl interrupted. Her voice was soft and it had a slight Orlesian accent to it, but barely discernable. His eyes registered shock at hearing her speak to him for the first time, and then he smiled, and his amber eyes warmed and lit up.

Her stomach growled then, and he chuckled. A blush tinged her cheeks with a beautiful pink color and she averted his eyes.

"I see," he replied. "Well, there is plenty of food here. It's in a pot by the fire. I can get you some right now if you wish..."

She turned back to him, looking at him curiously again, her eyes darting over his face and settling on his eyes again.

"All right, I'll eat." She replied, and smiled.

Alistair Theirin felt his heart skip a beat when he saw that smile. It illuminated her entire face, and her eyes shone brightly like twin stars.

He grinned as he went to the pot by the fire, and quickly got her a bowl of rabbit stew and some bread, then hurried back to her handing her the bowl and bread carefully. Unsure of what to do next, he cleared his throat, and found himself hypnotized as she ate, watching her every movement. She looked up suddenly and caught him watching her. He felt the blush creep up on him, and knew his ears must be a deep red by now.

Surprisingly, she blushed slightly in return, and fixed her eyes on her food again as she continued to heave large quantities of food into her mouth.

He turned around then, to leave her so that she could eat in peace but her voice stopped him, just as he was about to walk away.

"My name is Chantalle. Thank you for the food."

And Alistair Theirin suddenly felt his heart summersault and start to sing as a bright smile lit up his face and he bowed to her. He walked away with a spring in his step, and saw that Anders had watched the whole thing.

He groaned inwardly and prepared himself to be boarded by the mage.

...

"Shut up, Anders," he practically growled at him before he even had a chance to open his mouth to speak.

"But, I haven't said anything," Anders replied looking at him innocently.

Alistair was not fooled.

"I know you are going to say something, so get out of my way. I need to continue to do what I was doing in my tent. I actually have to keep track of certain things, you know. I have to write down certain events, so that I can pass them on to our records at the keep."

"Well, but first let me congratulate you wholeheartedly for getting her to eat, and speak," Anders replied, his tone sincere.

"Huh, that's a switch," Alistair shot back.

"It pains me that you do not really know me at all, Commander," Anders's tone was sad now, but his eyes had started to twinkle.

"See? There it is! I knew it!" Alistair said triumphantly.

"What?"

"That twinkle in your eyes! Oh, I do know what you have in mind, so I'm going to make it easy for you. I don't want to bed her, and that's final. Now get out of my way," he said, and a slight blush made its way to his cheeks as he spoke.

Anders complied, grinning and Alistair finally pulled open the flap to his tent and settled himself inside comfortably, reaching for his journal.

"You're a very bad liar, you know." Came Anders's voice from outside. Alistair cursed, as he heard his retreating laugh.

He shook his head and opened his journal as he wrote down the latest events that had just transpired.

Fernan informed me that we had been drugged! That was a relief and I can now safely say that I don't feel so guilty anymore. Besides I've just returned from having a conversation with our new recruit and managed to get her to eat and she even smiled at me. And now I know her name. It's Chantalle. Chantalle. It sounds beautiful, doesn't it? Just like she is.

He paused and shook his head violently now, crossing out the last three lines he had written. He then focused on the facts.

Wardens lost today: Two

- Velanna, Dalish elf. Disappeared in an underground darkspawn tunnel. We tried looking for her but several hours of search revealed nothing. Whereabouts unknown. But we do know now that these tunnels are currently being dug underground all over Orlais, which can only mean that the darkspawn are after something in Orlais. If only we knew what!

- Teslin Cardock, fine warrior. Died while we were attacked by darkspawn after they drugged us. A dagger had been plunged into his heart and he was decapitated afterwards.

He stopped writing, setting his quill on the ground, and shutting his journal, his eyes lost in a dreamy stare as he relived the conversation he had just had with her. Her eyes and her smile had touched his heart in ways he never thought possible and his heart fluttered anew with the memory of her.

He gave himself a mental shake. Impossible thoughts! Standing up, he left the tent to discuss other matters with his party. He wanted to see who would take up first watch and tell Chantalle there were two tents now available for her to sleep in. He knew that she would probably sleep in Velanna's empty tent, but wanted her to make the choice anyway.

His whole body felt light as he approached the fire. She was still sitting in front of it, but this time her eyes lifted briefly to acknowledge his arrival, shining brightly into his.

And this time, he did nothing to quiet the crazy beating of his heart.

...

They listened to the orders given out on who should take up watch that night, and Chantalle stood there quietly watching the shems as they talked a little about what had happened in the tunnels as well.

The one that had introduced himself was the most intriguing one to her. She had been taught that shems were nothing but beasts who were hostile and wanted to subjugate the Elvhenan to their way of life, turning them into slaves. Her clan had never even camped near a human city because they were one of the clans who did not believe that interaction between the two races could ever be possible. In short, she had been taught to hate humans and to be wary of them.

It came as a surprise to her that she had been rescued by these shemlens, and they had a Dalish elf with them already. This alone had made her wonder about what she had been taught all her life. And when the elven mage had marched into the dark tunnels, they had gone crazy trying to find her, but she had really disappeared.

Then there was the Joining she had just gone through. She had started to feel close to all the shems afterwards, and it confused her and put her on edge. She really didn't know what was happening to her, and had tried to stay away from them, trying to blot out the memory of her clan and what had happened to them.

For her clan had been attacked by foul creatures. She had seen them strike down and murder her father, mother and two sisters very clearly. She had thought they would kill her next, but they had just dragged her underground then, and raped her in the darkness, beating her to an unconscious pulp as they did so, bruising her and hurting her terribly. She had been a virgin and had lost it all to those monsters. She thought for a moment that she was going to die.

But she hadn't died, and then help had come, and the person who had saved her, had treated her kindly. The human mage that was with them had healed her. And then this person, the person who had spoken to her kindly had sat beside her and made her smile. She liked this shem, and it seemed to her that that in itself was not possible. Shems were all beasts, weren't they?

But unreal as it seemed, she found herself both intrigued and enthralled by this kind shem and his beautiful warm eyes, who had made her smile and given her food.

And she thought that maybe, just maybe, there was the tiny possibility that her clan had been wrong all along.