Wow! Thanks so much Elizabeth-Chan for your reviews! Your sense of humor is greatly appreciated! My deepest thanks to Virginia Gale, jugalettePENNER, Warrose and my sista Jinx1983 for all the fantastic comments and feedback! Without all of you, I probably would just let my ideas fester and my brain would rot, lmao! Um, I mean...I wouldn't be writing!

Fair warning: This is a serious and 'angsty' and touching chapter, so haul in a truck load of tissues. You have been warned! LOL

Bioware owns! I just fool around with Alistair *sighs deeply* and Anders, hehehe!

Chapter 7 - Pain and Grief

"We don't have to be standing here," Alistair finally broke the silence. "We can go sit in front of the fire, if you want to."

Chantalle nodded and followed him to the fire sitting on a log, while he sat on the ground beside her, his eyes gazing at all the tents from time to time.

"You know, when I became a Warden, I thought I would never be happier. Duncan saved me from living a miserable life in the Chantry," he said quietly remembering what had happened when Duncan conscripted him nearly four years ago.

"Duncan?" She asked curiously.

"He was the Warden Commander in Ferelden at the time. A good man, who didn't deserve what happened to him. He was killed at a battle in Ostagar. That was when all the wardens in Ferelden died. Except for Duran, a dwarf from Orzammar, and myself, that is."

"How is it that you survived?"

"Well, I think that it was pure luck sometimes, but the king may have had something to do with it. He sent Duran and me to the Tower of Ishal to light a beacon. The beacon would serve as a signal for Teryn Loghain, who was the commander of this armies, to flank the horde and attack. That was the plan. But Loghain betrayed the king, and ordered his men to move out. They left them on the battlefield to die." His features darkened as he remembered that night of betrayal.

"I am sorry," she sensed his pain.

He smiled briefly. "It happened three years ago, give or take. I just wish I could have saved Duncan, though. He was like a father to me." He sighed. "But there was nothing to do, but run around Ferelden trying to secure aid against the darkspawn horde. Trying to end the Blight. Which we did, of course."

"And now the darkspawn have returned," she said frowning.

"Yes, that has me thinking as well. Why? It's very odd. They are supposed to be in the Deep Roads."

"The Deep Roads?"

"Let's see...how do I explain this?" He pondered for a bit and continued. "You know there are dwarves, right? They live in the city of Orzammar which is beneath the surface. The Deep Roads are a series of tunnels which are really roads, because they used to be connecting roads to more dwarven cities, all underground. But gradually the darkspawn have overtaken the cities killing the dwarves and now only Orzammar and Kal Sharok remain. The dwarves fight the darkspawn their entire lives."

She nodded at this, her blue eyes never leaving his face, as she focused on every word he spoke.

"The Deep Roads are also where all the Wardens go to...die," he added after a short while. He looked at her, but when she said nothing, he took a deep breath and continued. "You see, the Taint in us, it is like a death sentence. We have thirty years to live after we drink the darkspawn blood, after we go through the Joining. When we start having terrible nightmares continuously...that's when we know that our Calling has come. We go to the Deep Roads then, to die in battle, fighting the darkspawn before we die, and killing as many as we can."

"So I am going to die," she whispered.

"We're all going to die," he said sadly. "sooner or later. But for us, it is a sure thing. The Taint is a burden that we carry until death. If we don't go to the Deep Roads, we either turn into ghouls or darkspawn ourselves. Women can turn into broodmothers."

"Broodmothers?" She asked, and he faltered, remembering suddenly what Anders had told him.

He stared at her face unable to reply to this, and his eyes unconsciously rested on her tattoo again. She smiled.

"I'm sorry," he said blushing slightly. "I don't mean to stare. But it's a beautiful tree. That's what it is, right?"

"Yes," she said, and that elusive dimple appeared again, and his eyes darted briefly to it, before flying up to her forehead again. "I can tell you why I chose this tattoo."

"I would like that very much," he replied, his voice a whisper, his eyes gentle and warm at the same time.

"My people live by a code. It is called the 'Way of Three Trees'. There are three parts to the code. The first part is Vir Assan. Vir Assan is the 'Way of the Arrow'. We must fly straight and not waver. The second part of the code is Vir Bor'Assan. It is the 'Way of the Bow'. We bend but we never break. The third part of the code is Vir Adahlen. Vir Adahlen is the 'Way of the Forest'. Together we are stronger than the one. This code is our way of life. It is Vir Tanadahl."

"That is...beautiful," he whispered again to her and she smiled shyly at him.

"All my life they taught me shemlens were evil, and would always try to break us, to turn us into slaves. Then the darkspawn came and I knew what evil really meant," she said then, and the pain in her eyes broke his heart. He knew what had happened to her, but could not say anything. He would let her tell him when she was ready.

"Do you still think shemlens are evil?" He asked, his amber eyes warm and kind.

"No, I do not. I have found out that my people were wrong," she whispered back and her eyes were suddenly a darker shade of blue which held and captivated him, drawing him in.

He smiled and stood up. "Let's just walk around the camp perimeter for now. Keep an eye on things."

She nodded and fell into step beside him. They didn't speak again that night.

There was no need to.

...

We had an interesting encounter today...or was it yesterday? No matter. We met Leonie Caron, the Warden Commander of Orlais. Maker's breath! That woman has enough fire in her to burn down an entire city. I don't know whether I should run away the next time we meet privately or welcome her with open arms. I followed her into the woods and we kissed. I learned then how to kiss 'Orlesian style' and how erotic a kiss can be. Maker's breath! Even now as I remember I feel myself aching for her!

We didn't exactly do...it...that...but she did do the most wonderful things to my...member. I experienced pleasure that goes beyond all the times I indulged in pleasuring myself. I found myself so attracted to her that I would have ravished her immediately after my release. Anders interrupted us, however and she could only promise that there would be a next time as she left.

And now that I'm writing this I can express my inner thoughts and feelings better. Anders faked a sudden illness and exhaustion when I paired him off for night watch, and I let him go. Then I realized it had all been a part of his plan, as I had forgotten that I had assigned him to take up watch with Chantalle! We chatted most of the night, and I can say that she is truly special and beautiful.

He paused a moment, quill still in his hand, a dreamy expression on his eyes as he relived the conversation with Chantalle. Smiling to himself, he continued writing.

Chantalle has been through a lot of pain and suffering. When we found her among the darkspawn in the tunnels, I had no idea what she had been through. Anders finally told me later, and this filled my heart with grief for her. I longed to comfort her, but know that she will have to come to me and tell me the truth before I can do that. I will keep my mouth shut this time! I thank the Maker that we arrived in time to save her from her awful fate. If we had not been there, the darkspawn would have succeeded in turning her into a broodmother. She should not have been raped! I'm sorry we didn't manage to arrive earlier to prevent this but I am glad we killed each and every one of them, and her Joining was what saved her.

Leonie expressed that the darkspawn were looking for something in Orlais, and I agreed. I still cannot, for the life of me, guess what it is they are after, but it looks to me that they are following orders from a higher-level entity. Another Architect? Maker help us if this is so.

Leonie's men are following my orders now, which amuses me. I have always felt that I am not a natural leader, and am constantly terrified of being responsible of getting us lost most of the time, but they agreed when I paired them off for night watch. She, however, was angry but accepted my word in spite of this. I did not like the way she walked off, and feel that she has been used to getting her way all her life. She is clearly not used to following orders, at any rate!

He laughed at this, and put the journal away, finally getting into his bedroll to catch a few hours of sleep. He wondered if Chantalle was asleep, she had told him that she wasn't sleeping and it worried him. The last thought on his mind before falling to sleep was to ask her how she had slept, if she had slept at all.

...

They sat together at breakfast, and even though Alistair had tried to talk to Chantalle, Leonie had managed to sit between them and was now chatting away with one of her men in Orlesian, leaning towards him and over his lap.

This made him uncomfortable, to say the least, and he kept stealing furtive glances at Chantalle, who kept to herself and her food and did not look his way. He noticed she was avoiding them when he saw her stiffen every time Leonie flung an innuendo at him.

"I do not think that the darkspawn are the same. They seem to be more intelligent now, and seem to be following orders from a higher-level darkspawn. An intelligent one, perhaps?" Leonie's thoughts cut through his inner musings.

"I happen to agree with you. I don't understand how this could be possible." And then he was explaining what had happened at Amaranthine, with the Mother and the Architect. Everyone listened with great interest, for nobody there knew all the details, except for Anders who had gone through everything with Alistair.

When he was done, Leonie had furrowed her brow deep in thought.

"Yes, it does not make sense that there would be another one so soon. But maybe it is one that took up what he did not finish, no?" She said thoughtfully.

Alistair grimaced at the thought, though it seemed like a plausible explanation.

"Have you encountered any talking darkspawn before we met?" Alistair asked.

"No. We have battled them three times already. The last battle was not pleasant. We arrived at a Dalish camp, where the fiends had slaughtered most of the elves there. The elves that survived were eating their own, already turned into ghouls, and we had to kill them all, even the children before-"

Chantalle let out a shriek that made Alistair drop the cup of tea he was holding. She stood up quickly and ran off towards the stream.

Leonie watched her and a hand shot to her mouth. "Ah, Je comprendre - I understand," she murmured. "That was her clan!"

Alistair said nothing but stood up himself, and walked towards where he thought Chantalle had gone.

Leonie watched him go and her eyes narrowed slightly. She then felt a pair of eyes on her, and looked for the source. The handsome blonde mage was staring at her intently.

Smiling, she got closer to him and batted her eyelashes, her dimples showing in all their glory.

Anders chuckled softly as he waited for her to speak.

...

She felt him and heard him approach and squared her shoulders, her demeanor instantly defensive.

He paused a few feet away, unsure of the right path to take. After a few minutes, he cleared his throat and began talking.

"I'm so sorry, Chantalle. I know you must have been through a lot of pain."

"You do not know. You were not there." Her statement was cold, but he knew that the coldness was not directed at him. It was a self-defense mechanism which automatically built walls up before anyone could get close to her.

"When I lost Duncan, I also built a wall around my heart, and ached inside. I thought nobody could ever understand the way I felt. But my friend, and fellow warden, Duran, taught me I was wrong. The only way that the pain went away was when I trusted him and let him in," he said quietly.

She turned around to face him, her eyes held an infinite sadness. His heart went out to her.

"Commander, I thank you for your concern. I do not wish to grieve. Those monsters killed my father, mother and two sisters in front of me, and I could not stop them alone. I could not react the way I should have. It is my fault they are dead. And nothing you say will ever make me feel differently."

She walked away from him and back to the camp, and her shoulders remained squared, her stance angry and defiant.

Alistair followed her, greatly concerned at what he had heard, and deep down inside wondered how long it would take before she broke down completely.

...

They were ambushed by darkspawn before they arrived to Montsimmard, and immediately began to fight, their battle cries and sounds of weapons clashing against weapons and armor causing the birds in the nearby trees to take flight.

Alistair instinctively moved towards Chantalle as he fought, his shield protecting her and Starfang slashing easily through the evil creatures like butter. She killed ten of them, before the battle was done, her lithe form a blur as she danced madly and pivoted on the spot.

When the last of them had been cut down, she stood, drenched in blood and sweat, heaving heavily amongst the fallen corpses, her breath coming in gasps.

Then, she dropped down on her hands and knees and wailed, her scream causing the rest to freeze in their tracks.

Starfang and shield fell to the ground, and without saying a word, Alistair knelt beside her and took her in his arms, rocking her gently as she continued to sob and cry loudly, unable to speak, unable to stop, unable to move.