Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Character: Addison&Derek

Rating: T
Status: Complete (one shot)
Disclaimer : Characters and show belongs to Shonda Rhimes. Title of the fic belongs to The Research. Title of the chapter and lyrics belong to Lifehouse. The song is "From where you are". Listen to it, it's sooo good.

Author's Note: So, I've decided to turn this fiction into a multi chapter one. At first, I wanted this to be a one shot just because I liked the idea of Addison and Derek still thinking about each other during their anniversary; that way I, and you all with me, could pretend that it happened on the show as well. That being said, I've been asked to write more. I've even received some suggestions and today, while I was practicing yoga, I got some more ideas. Special thanks to Amy for giving me some ideas for this chapter. So guys, here we go. I can already tell that it won't be longer than three chapters but well, I hope you'll like it. Oh and thank you all for reading my fictions. Enjoy it!

Lonely hearts still beat the same.

Chapter 2

So far from where you are.

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

ONE YEAR LATER

12.05 am. May 12th. It's that day again. You've just arrived home, Sam's not here. You've got such a bad day today; he's never here when you need him, you think.

Charlotte King paged you, she needed you in the hospital for an emergency. There was this woman, eight months pregnant, who had a car crash with her husband and their other two children. Matthew and Savannah were their names. They both died due to the multiple injuries and traumas they got in the car crash. Their father was in a coma and their mother, their pregnant mother, was the one who got less injured. She didn't know her family was dead, she just knew she was in labor and she needed to give birth to her third child as soon as possible. When she arrived at the hospital, you knew she was critical. She was conscious but her vitals were weak and she could barely breath. You tried everything you could but you didn't make it. You couldn't save her. You were doing a C-section on her but something went wrong and she started losing a lot of blood. You tried to fix her but she was too damaged to be fixed. At some point she collapsed, she crashed; you lost her vitals and then your colleagues brought her back to life. You stopped the bleeding but her heart couldn't handle all the stress and she died. In the meanwhile, you had taken the baby out of her body but she was too weak even to cry. She was cyanotic because her umbilical cord was all over her throat and she couldn't breathe. You cut it off, she started breathing better, you took her to an incubator but then something went wrong. She crashed. You tried to reanimate her but she was gone.

This is one of the worse days of your life. You're not used to lose patients, you're that good. You also know that you've done everything you could in that damn O.R. but still you blame yourself for not being able to save that woman and her baby girl. It's all your fault, you think.

You sit on the couch, your head in your hands and you start crying. The only thing you really have is your job and days like this are so crappy that you wish you never became a surgeon. You could really use some company right now. You just wish Sam was here to hug you and tell you that you're a good person, a good surgeon. Of course he's not here, though. He has the night shift today but other than that, things between the two of you are not as good as it seems. Yes, you're still together but you fight a lot lately and you don't even know if he still loves your or not. You do, but not as much as you did one year ago.

After almost an hour spent crying alone on the couch, you stand up, go upstairs and take the precious red box from the walk-in closet. It's been a year since the last time you touched it. You never open it during the year even if sometimes you really feel the urge to do so.

You run downstairs, put the box on the couch, go to the kitchen to grab a bottle of red wine and then you sit on the couch with a glass of wine in your left hand and the box on your knees. The wine tastes delicious, you think. It's your favorite one, after all. You take two long sips of wine and then you open the box.

Everything's like the last time you opened it. Everything's in order. Everything's simply perfect. You gently take all the items out of the box and put them on the couch. You cross your legs, you drink all your glass of wine and pour yourself another glass of it. You start caressing the tie, it's so soft and the color is beautiful. It's one of your favorite Derek's ties. You're glad you've kept it for yourself. Sometimes you feel stupid because doing this kind of ritual makes you even sadder and heartbroken. Especially tonight. You start thinking about Derek and Meredith, how happy they are now, how you and Sam don't work.

You drain your glass of wine. Your head start spinning and hurting a little. You haven't had dinner today, you realize. That's one of the reasons why you shouldn't drink tonight. But you really need to drink, it makes you feel better, it makes you forget all the pain and the sorrow you feel.

With your eyes closed, you move your right hand into the box and take out something random. It's your wedding picture. You look at yourself at the picture: you were so beautiful and most important thing, you were happy. Derek made you happy. Sam doesn't. He has made you happy for a while but he started freaking out when you asked him to have a baby with you. Things have changed since then.

You look at Derek and your mind replaces your figure with Meredith. You haven't called or seen Derek for more than one year, so you don't really know what he's up to. He's probably seriously married to Meredith now. The post-it wedding doesn't count for you. It's not a real wedding. Your wedding was a real one.

The bottle is now empty. You can't believe you have drunk all the bottle. You're now crying so much, you're even sobbing. All for that stupid coward who left you so many years ago. Even if your head is spinning, you slowly stand up and walk to your bag. You take out your cellphone. You have never felt this way on your anniversary, memories have never been this heavy. This time, you can't do it on your own.

You want to call Naomi, she's supposed to be your best friend so she'll be more than happy to come over and hug you. At least, you hope so. You start composing her number but suddenly your fingers dial another number; a number that's not on your cellphone index book. It doesn't need to be in there because you know it by heart.

Wiping away the tears from your eyes, you patiently waits for him to answer the phone. It's late night so you wouldn't be surprised if he didn't answer his telephone. But then he does. He picks up the phone.

"Addison?" he says. His voice is loud and clear.

"Hey" you greet him. You don't know what to say.

"Are you ok?" he sounds worried. "I mean, it's almost 3.00 am and you haven't…"

"It's May 12th, Derek" you simply say. Your voice is a little raucous because of the wine.

Silence. You can hear him breathing on the phone but he's not talking anymore.

"I… I know, Addison" he whispers.

You hiccup a little. Your stomach hurts. Your hands are trembling.

"Did I wake you up?" you ask him.

"No, not really. I… I couldn't sleep"

"Neither could I" you say, without mentioning the bottle of wine you've just drunk.

"Addison"

"Derek"

"You first" he says, gently.

You're now smiling. You and Derek really often started talking at the very same time when you were together. When you were Addison and Derek.

"Do… Do you remember, Derek? Do you remember what we had?"

"Addison, don't…"

"Please, just answer my question. It's easy. Yes or no."

"I do, Addison. Why are you even asking me this, anyway?" he's getting a little nervous.

"I… I don't know" you start laughing, realizing that calling Derek was one of your worse ideas ever.

"You're drunk"

"So what? You're not my husband anymore! You don't get to tell me what I can or I can't do!" you growl.

"Where's Sam?" he interrupts you "Talk to him, okay? I don't want to talk to you, Addison. Not today."

"Yes, Derek. Do what you can do best. Run. Just like you ran away from your problems back in New York."

"What the hell are you talking about, Addison? You're the one who cheated on me!"

"I should have never called you, Derek. I'm sorry, okay? Have a good night."

"No, wait" he surprises you. "I just don't feel like talking to you today, okay? I'll call you tomorrow, I promise. I can't have a conversation with you today. It would…" he stops and takes a deep breath.

"What, Derek? It would, what?" you want to know why your ex-husband can't talk to you on your anniversary. You stay on hold, listening to Derek's breath. It takes him two minutes to tell you the reason why he can't talk to you today.

"It would hurt too much" he simply says. His voice is now sad and distant.

Tears start streaming down your face. Now, you really know that he feels like you on your anniversary day. You know that he hasn't forgotten the best day of your life, he hasn't erased the memory of you.

"You know, Derek" you're trying not to cry "I've loved you with all my heart. I… I haven't forgotten what we had, I haven't erased all our years together. So, every year on our anniversary I… I have this red box, there are some items related to our life together and..." you take a deep breath " Every year, on our anniversary, I open it and take everything out. I look at us in the picture. We were happy, Derek."

You're crying now. You don't know that his eyes are full of tears as well.

"We were happy, Addison. We're now happy with other people…"

"Don't you ever miss me, Derek?"

Another long pause on the phone. You can hear him drinking something.

"Every fucking day"

"I miss you too, Derek. I… I wish you were here…" you're now crying uncontrollably.

"Addie, don't. We'll pretend this conversation never happened, okay?" he was begging you.

You swallow then you say something you haven't told him in years.

"I love you, Derek"

Your words hit him like a punch in the face. He didn't see it coming, it comes totally unexpected.

"You're drunk, Addison. You don't know what you're saying…" you try to convince her.

"Don't worry. I don't need to hear those three words from your mouth" you say "I just needed to tell you, okay? I already feel a lot better. I just had to spill it out. Our divorce hasn't changed my feelings for you, it never will. It has probably changed yours but I don't mind. I'm falling apart, Derek, but it's none of your business. I've got friends here, I have a serious relationship with Sam, everything's gonna be…"

"I love you back" he says, then he brutally hangs up the phone.

You can't believe what he just said. He's drunk, you think. You wish he meant what he just said.

"What have I done?" Derek thinks. He's starting to realize that his words to you will change his life forever.

You stand up, throw the bottle away and go upstairs. You really need to take a warm shower in order to clear your mind. If Derek really means what he said, you know you won't be able to stay in Los Angeles and do nothing about it. You feel so far away from where he is but, somehow, you can feel his heart beating at the same time your heart does.