Strangeways, Here We Come
Selfishness…
"I'm sorry."
Her voice breaks through the eerie silence on the Hogwarts grounds. Even though there are plenty of mourners milling about, waiting for Dumbledore's funeral to begin, most are not speaking; the quiet feels sacrosanct.
He turns from his spot at the edge of the lake, where he was staring emptily at his reflection. Surprised, he asks, "Pardon? What do you have to feel sorry for?"
Her shoulders are slumped, and she can barely look him in the eyes as she replies, "For the scene I made in the hospital wing the other day. I apologize, it really wasn't the time or the place – but you know I can never keep my mouth shut when I need to. I must have embarrassed you."
"Not at all," he shakes his head. He has to admit that her words were hard to digest after the shock of Dumbledore's demise, but in the sleepless nights that followed, he turned them over and over in his head. "I needed to hear it. And I've been thinking a lot about what you said."
"You have?" she whispers, and in her tone he can hear a mixture of lovelorn hopefulness and despair; the combination wrenches his heart.
"I have," he nods. "I've been thinking about how selfish I was being."
"Oh no," she groans, her face falling. "Not this again! I swear, if I have to hear your litany of 'too old, too poor, too dangerous' one more time, I'll –"
"No, no," he interrupts her. "That's not what I'm saying. What I'm getting at is that, when I let you go, I was trying so hard not to be selfish – I thought it was best, rather than tying you to somebody with no prospects..."
She inhales deeply, preparing for an indignant rant in response, so he quickly continues, "But I was wrong – I see that now. I thought I was being unselfish, but in the end I was still only thinking of myself – I didn't want to admit that my leaving would hurt you the way it did."
"I loved you, Remus! How could you think that you leaving wouldn't hurt me?" she cries.
He winces, dropping his head. "I really have no excuse, other than being a blind fool. I don't think I'll be able to apologize enough." And then, taking a deep breath to brace himself, he slowly peeks up at her. "When you say you loved me... Is the past tense accurate?"
She remains silent for a few moments, as if thinking his words over, and he feels like his heart stops while waiting for a reply.
In reality, she doesn't even need to consider her answer.
Trying to maintain a stern expression on her face, the growing spark in her eyes gives her away. "I never was very good at grammar," she slowly smirks, extending her hand towards him. "You're the professor here – you tell me."
He doesn't hesitate in grabbing it – her warm grip feels like a lifeline amid stormy waters, and when he touches her soft skin again, after what feels like ages, he suddenly feels lighter. "I think I'm done telling you what to do and how to feel," he says wryly. "All I know is that, selfish or not, I want to be with you – if you'll still have me?"
"Don't be daft!" she exclaims, before launching herself into his arms with a force so great, he nearly stumbles backwards into the lake. "Isn't that what I've been telling you this whole time?"
"Yes, well – I'm a selfish, blind fool, remember?" he chuckles deprecatingly, burying his face into Tonks' hair and letting out a sigh of relief. "I just had to make sure."
"No more putting yourself down like that, or I'll have to hex you," she murmurs into his chest. "Besides, love isn't selfish."
He opens an eye to peer past rapidly pinkening hair and spies an empty white slab in the background, where Dumbledore's body will soon be laid. "Yes, I believe I'm finally beginning to realize that."
Happy new year, all! Here I am, trying to start 2011 off right – with an update! How's about you start the new year off with a good deed, and leave me a review? :)
Toodles,
- ish -