Foreign Exchange Program
Yo 'sup? Hey, cool, I updated within a week! Yeah, don't expect this kind of speed in the future...maybe. Uh, let's see...Oh dude, you know what I wanna watch? The Green Hornet. Just to see it in 'KATO VISION'. Heh, yeah. Anyways, thanks for reviewing this story. Enjoy more ninja-stuff. Ninjas are EPIC.
Disclaimer: Both Kakashi and Dr. McNinja are ninjas, and ninjas are too hot to handle without the proper equipment. I do not have proper equipment.
Chapter 3: Unique Cultural Tastes
A few miles outside of Cumberland
Kakashi stood at the mouth of a gaping cavern with Dan McNinja. Although the day was bright and sunny, the sky seemed to darken as they approached the cave. The gloomy darkness exhaled the occasional blast of bone-chilling air, whistling between the teeth-like rock formations like the breath of a gigantic beast. Little could be seen beyond the entrance, as if all light ceased to exist any further. The dripping of water could be heard echoing off the walls, amplified ten-fold. It was hard to believe that these ninjas lived here.
"As I was saying," Dan started, "there is only one way to get to our house. And that is to," He paused for dramatic effect. "Defeat my wife."
Kakashi blinked, unsure he'd heard him right. "Defeat Mitzi-san, Daniel-san?" he asked.
"I told you before, call me Dan." Replied the elder ninja, "And yeah, you heard me. Get past my wife and you'll earn yourself a spot at the dinner table. Lose, and you get to scrounge up your meal in the forest. And I've gotta say, there are some pretty vicious creatures around these parts at night."
Kakashi doubted they were as dangerous as the animals found in the Forest of Death, but you never know in a foreign country. He resigned himself to the task, and entered the cave. Dan stood at the opening, hollering out what he considered to be tips.
"Remember, if you see any movement, most likely it's just one of our robots. If you don't see any movement, most likely you're gonna get attacked at a twenty-three degree angle from your left. Don't trust your eyes, instead, listen to your irises: they're the fastest muscles in your body. Or was that your eyebrows? Whatever. And the most important rule is: Don't tread mud on the carpet! Mitzi will kill you if you do that! Yeah? Got that, son? Alright, good luck. Ninja combat ethics state that no interference of any kind is allowed in a duel, so I'm just gonna wait out here." Dan put his hands on his hips and shook his head sadly. "Waste of a fine ninja, there. That boy's done for."
By now, sounds of fighting could be heard coming from the inner recesses of the cave. The distinct sharp clanging of metal on metal, followed by muffled punches drifted into Dan's ears. The occasional crack and crumbling of stalagmites resounded from the darkness. All of a sudden, everything went silent. It was a while before the fighting started up again, this time deeper into the cave. Dan waited patiently, bemused at how long this match was.
Six Hours Later...
It was nightfall when Dan finally had enough. He had been waiting outside, cold, alone, and hungry, and still the duel wasn't over. Screw ninja combat ethics, he was starving! He marched into the cavern, toward the sound of fighting. Deeper and deeper he went, weaving between the polished conics of granite. The noise was getting louder with each step he took. A distant light told him that he was close to the house. Rounding a corner, Dan reached a quaint little two-story house situated between the stalagmites. Light shone from every window, and Dan muttered something about conserving energy as he approached the house. As he neared it, the fighting sounds grew louder. When he opened the door, he was greeted by the sight of the foreign ninja and his youngest son in the living room watching a martial arts movie. Mitzi was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Dan's blood pressure rose considerably.
"Why didn't anyone tell me the match was over?" He roared. Kakashi and Dark Smoke Puncher both turned and blinked artlessly while Mitzi stepped back from the sink, cleaning a kitchen knife.
"Oh you're back?" She said, "I thought you were out hunting for your own food again. I know how peculiar your tastes are when it comes to wild game."
"No," Dan said in a low growl, "I was waiting for the match to end. For SIX HOURS!"
"Oh, that. Kakashi beat me within the first few minutes. I was impressed" She gave a rare appraising look towards the ninja in question and Kakashi sheepishly muttered a thank-you. "Afterwards we came back to the house and Smoke Puncher has been showing him his collection of martial arts DVDs. We thought to go fetch you but were so caught up in the movie that time just flew."
She shrugged and went back to the kitchen. Dan's mustache twitched a few times, then he grumbled and stalked away, muttering about absent-minded wives (a comment that was rewarded by a steely glare and a kitchen knife embedded in the wall a few millimeters from his nose).
Dinner with the McNinjas was the strangest one that Kakashi had gone through by far, including the one at the spa with his team. For one, everyone was sitting together, having a nice family dinner and idly chatting about their day. Oh, and everyone was wearing masks. Food disappeared off the table like magic and was behind covered mouths faster than one could blink. When asked to pass any condiments, it was hurdled at such breakneck speed that only trained ninjas could even hope to react fast enough to catch it.
Hmm, so this is what it's like to be in an American family? Thought Kakashi. This dinner-style training was very interesting, and he planned to introduce it to his team and fellow jonin instructors. It never hurt to train too much.
All through dinner, Kakashi was bombarded with questions about himself and his homeland. He tried to answer to the best of his abilities, but there were some secrets better left untold.
"So tell me, Kakashi," started Dan, "How did they pick you for this program?"
"I was ordered to by Hokage-sama, for she believed I was the best candidate for this mission. Although there are many other shinobi far better than me, my leader deemed me to be able to handle it best." Meaning she wanted to show off.
"You mean you obeyed your leader's orders just like that? You didn't refuse?" Dark Smoke Puncher asked incredulously. "My brother had to be tranquilized and carried onto the plane. I don't know why he got to go even though he didn't want to. I was totally ready for a solo mission, yo!" He looked at his parents accusingly, and they shook their heads.
"You're still too young to go gallivanting in another country." Said Mitzi. "As painfully annoying his career choice is, your brother was the one best suited for this. Now hurry up and eat your beets." Dark Smoke Puncher grumbled and muttered something about 'unfair' and 'I'll show you beets'.
Kakashi glanced down on his own plate of foreign cuisine. He wrinkled his nose, picking up a strange scent. There was something, off about it.
"Mitzi-san, forgive me if I sound rude but, is it custom here in America to poison your guests during dinner?"
All the McNinjas stopped eating and began to clap heartily. Kakashi was a bit confused towards their strange behaviour, but Dan clapped him on the back.
"Congratulations, son! You're the second person to ever detect Mitzi's poison cooking. You've officially passed all the initiation trials."
"Oh, well thank you." What?
"Kakashi," Said Mitzi, "You remind me of someone I've met before. I just can't seem to recall what the name was. 'Saki'? No. 'Satiki'? No, that's not it. 'Fred'?"
Kakashi's visible grey eye lowered slightly. Quietly he whispered, "Sakumo."
"Yes. That's it." Exclaimed Mitzi. "Sakumo. You look so much like him."
Kakashi smiled a bit behind his mask. "I'm guessing that we should look similar, considering the fact that he was my father. Sakumo Hatake. My full name is Kakashi Hatake. I was his son."
"Where was I when you met this Sakumo guy?" Asked Dan questioningly, "I don't recall ever meeting someone like that."
"You were in the Foreign Exchange Program, dear. Sakumo stayed with us while you were in Japan. Such a sweet fellow, too," Mitzi had a dreamy look in her eyes, "and so handsome. I could tell even through his mask. I believe he mentioned something about having a son. I guess that was you, Kakashi." Kakashi was a little surprised to discover that his father mentioned facts about his personal life to strangers. If it weren't for the fact that he looked like a miniature version of his father, people wouldn't have fathomed that the White Fang had a son. Dan rubbed his chin, trying to remember something from his trip to Japan.
"Of course!" he exclaimed, and pointed at Kakashi, "The little brat with the mask! That was you!"
Kakashi subtly raised an eyebrow. Little brat? I'm twenty-six. Was everyone insistent on referring to him with such a demeaning title? Well, he'd been called worse throughout his career, in various jobs and by various people, but for some reason this one just grated on his nerves. He decided to ignore this jab to his reputation. "So you were the ninja sent over to Konoha all those years ago, Daniel-san?"
"Damned right I was, and let me tell you, you were the most uptight kid I've ever seen. Everything was manners this, and manners that for you, and you nagged non-stop. I joined the Program to escape my wife, just to discover I was gonna be living with a mini-Mitzi for a month." Dan flinched when several pieces of cutlery embedded themselves in the shape of his head on the wall behind him.
"So what's your father up to these days, Kakashi?" Said Mitzi as she yanked the silverware from the wall.
"He's dead."
"Oh…oh my, I'm so sorry. It was thoughtless of me to bring it up."
"It's not a problem, Mitzi-san. It's been a long time since then. I can barely remember it myself." Except in nightmares, where everything is so damn clear.
"If I may ask, when did he pass away?" Mitzi asked softly.
"Twenty years ago." Said Kakashi off-handily. "The Exchange Program was one of the last missions he took." Before he took his own life in front of my eyes.
An uncomfortable silence settled at the table. Kakashi realized what he said and reprimanded himself for being a mood killer.
"Oh, no, it wasn't this mission that did him in. Dan-san, when you were over at my village you saw signs of a coming war, did you not?"
"Erm, yes, of course. It was everywhere." Dan answered roughly.
"Well, our country was quickly plunged into a bloody war and my father was one of the victims." My father caused it.
"It seems our countries aren't so different after all," Mitzi commented. "Back then we were involved in a war of sorts. Actually, more like a genocide. A mass extermination of ninjas. All because of a maniacal action-star."
A revered silence shrouded the table as the older ninjas remembered the darker days of the past. Dark Smoke Puncher decided to do a sensible thing and lightened the mood a bit.
"What kind of missions do you have, Kakashi?" He asked.
"I mostly go on missions with my team. We do simple things like finding lost pets and babysitting. Sometimes we even act as bodyguards. As for solo missions, it usually involves information retrieval, infiltration, or even assassinations."
"Wow. That sounds, pretty normal actually. My family goes off to fight wizard ghosts and pirates. Heck, my brother even deals with vampires and lumberjacks."
Kakashi couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. What a strange country indeed.
Konohagakure
After an exhausting trip through the mountainous forests of Japan, the group of Leaf-nin and their guest finally arrived at the gates of their village. The doctor stared in awe of the sheer size of the trees that formed the village walls, and was led straight to the heart of the shinobi village; the Hokage Tower. Along the way, he was informed of the history of its foundation, and of the previous leaders that superseded Tsunade. As they entered the tower, he saw groups of ninja in army green flak jackets and metal headbands bow when they passed, muttering a respectful greeting. Lady Tsunade led him to her office, and gave him a quick orientation.
"As I have said before, McNinja-san, welcome to the Leaf Village. During your time here, you will be taking the place of one of my best ninjas who in turn has been sent to your country. Quick question, have you had any experience with children?"
The doctor scratched his chin. "Well, I do dabble in paediatrics, and I have a 12-year-old gun-slinging side-kick. Does that count?"
"Excellent," Said Tsunade, "In addition to any missions that my ninja would regularly take, you will also be in charge of his genin team, comprised of three students. They will help you for the most part, and you will go on missions with them, too. Your team missions usually never go above a C-rank, which are fairly harmless, but there is still danger present. I am placing them in your care; their lives are in your hands."
"I'll make sure they get home safe, ma'am."
Tsunade smiled. "Thank you."
As loth as she was to do so, Lady Tsunade had other matters (paperwork) to attend to, and bade the good doctor farewell. She promised to show him her talents in medicine, she being a fellow practitioner in healing, and sent him off in the direction of his new genin team.
When Dr. McNinja approached the training site, the clashing sounds of metal on metal could be heard. But as he neared, the noise deteriorated into shouts in Japanese, what seemed to be a girl scolding, and an all-out brawl. The trees soon gave way to an open area, he there he discovered the source of all the commotion.
Two boys were currently duking it out with each other; one dressed in blue, and one dressed in blinding orange. A pink haired girl was standing off to the side, an exasperated look on her face and shouting the word 'baka' a lot. Just another training session for Team Seven.
"Sasuke, you bastard! You did that on purpose!" Yelled an enraged Naruto as he threw a fist towards his teammate. Sasuke aptly dodged it and countered with his own strike.
"It's not my fault you're too dim to know a trap when you see it." He dodged another swipe at his head.
"You're both idiots!" Sakura shouted from the sidelines. "The foreign ninja's gonna arrive any minute and you two are setting a fine example for Konoha Nin!"
"Too late for that," Said Sasuke as he suddenly lowered his fists. The others turned to see what he was looking at and saw a man in a white lab coat and a ninja mask emerge from the trees.
"Hey, who's the weirdo?" Asked Naruto. His answer was in the form of Sakura's fist.
"Show some respect, Naruto! He's probably the foreign ninja that we're supposed to meet."
"Really? Then I'll go greet him!" Naruto bounded over to the man before his teammates could stop him.
"Yosh! Welcome to Konoha! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and someday I'm gonna be the greatest ninja in the world, believe it! Oh, and those two are Sakura and -Up-His-Ass." If he was expecting a reaction from the man, then it certainly wasn't one of him frantically flipping through the pages of a book. Naruto grimaced. Oh man, don't tell me he's gonna be a porn-addict like Kakashi-sensei.
"Uh, let's see here…Hello… I am Dr. McNinja… I come from America. Do you speak…Eggo?"
Naruto looked at the man with a confused expression on his face. By then his teammates were already standing by his side. "Hey Sakura-chan, this guy's asking if we speak Eggo. What's Eggo? Is that Latin?"
"I think he's trying to say 'eigo', English." Sasuke pointed out.
"Oh. Then why didn't he say that in the first place?" He was rewarded by another punch to the face.
"It's a new language for him, idiot! It was a mistake!" Sakura's rage filled complexion did a 180 as she greeted the newcomer warmly in English. "Welcome to Konoha, McNinja-san. I'm Sakura Haruno. These are my teammates." She prompted the others to speak up.
"Sasuke Uchiha." The last Uchiha announced himself with an air of indifference.
"UZUMAKI NARUTO!" Naruto pumped a fist into the air with enthusiasm.
"You say your first name first in English, loser." Sasuke remarked.
"What? Argh! Don't try to act so cool, you arrogant jerk!"
"Dumbass."
"Prick!"
"Idiot!"
"EMO!"
"Take that back!"
"Make me!"
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" The ground nearly shook as Sakura stomped between the two warring teens. "You're embarrassing me enough as it is. Anymore and I'll report you to Tsunade-sama!" The two boys cowered in front of the kunoichi like two kids faced with an angry mom. They had enough sense in them to stop fighting and look ashamed.
"I'm sorry you had to see that shameful display, McNinja-san." Sakura bowed deeply. The doctor humorously waved her off.
"It's okay, boys will be boys. But I'd say you're doing a fine job in keeping them in line." Sakura beamed at the praise. "Now that we've found each other, let's get down to business. I was told that I was to be taking the place of your teacher, and that you could show me the ways of your village. I don't know about you, but I've got a nasty case of the munchies. Care to point me in the direction of a nice food joint?"
Naruto's eyes practically shined. He was starting to like this foreign ninja.
After literally being dragged by Naruto, the four of them were comfortably seated at Ichiraiku's stall, ordering their ramen. Naruto was more than happy to help the doctor order and nearly cried in joy when he offered to pick up the tab.
"So, McNinja-sensei, what do you do over there in America?" Naruto asked as they waited for their order.
"Well, as you can see, I work as a doctor."
"You mean like a medic-nin?"
Dr. McNinja rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "You're referring to your village's ninja medics, right? I actually work as a family physician, like your civilian doctors. I run a clinic and treat people who come there. Provided their insurance checks out. Mother was furious when I told her what I wanted to be."
"But aren't you a ninja? What do you use your skills for then?" Asked Sasuke. Really, a civilian doctor? What a waste of his talents. His mother was right to be furious.
"Oh, I get mixed up with quests here and there, with the ninja zombies and the evil mimes and what not. Keeps me on my toes." His statement was met by disbelief and horror.
"Z-zombies?"
"Evil mimes?"
"T-t-toes?"
All heads turned to Sasuke.
"What?" He shrugged, "Feet creep me out." He resisted the urge to pound Naruto's laughing face in. Thankfully, Sakura did that for him.
"Podophobia?" Dr. McNinja pondered out loud. "Rare, but not unheard of. Tell me, did you experience some sort of childhood trauma? Possibly involving feet?" He began diagnosing his newfound 'patient'.
Sasuke was doing everything in his power to not run away. Of course he's had childhood trauma! His whole clan was massacred by his own brother! What kind of kid wouldn't have issues after that? It was only a strange coincidence that it somehow manifested as a weird aversion to feet. But Sasuke wasn't about to spill out his life story to this foreigner. Guy can't even hold a job as a proper ninja!
"None of your business." Sasuke muttered. "So just drop it, would you?" He flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"I'll respect your privacy, Sasuke," said the ninja doctor, "but these things can escalate into something more serious. Just remember that you have friends to rely on."
Sasuke was about to make a bitter reply, but was cut off by Naruto's exclamation of "Ramen's here!" Thankful for the distraction, he dove himself into the bowl.
As Team Seven eagerly slurped their noodles, they noticed that their substitute sensei hadn't taken off his mask yet. "Ano, McNinja-sensei," Sakura asked, "How are you gonna eat with that mask-"
"Oh Sasuke-kun!~"
Her question was abruptly cut off by the arrival of Team 10, which involved Ino throwing herself against said Uchiha while haulimg her two teammates with her.
"Get off of him, Ino-pig!" Sakura yelled as she dragged the blond by her ponytail.
"Ow! Make me, Billboard-head!"
What followed was a brief tussle between the two kunoichis that had both their respective teammates trying to separate them…and failing.
"Ahem."
Both girls stopped their bickering and turned to the source of the voice. Dr. McNinja sat facing them, arms crossed. His bowl sat empty on the table. "Now, I know a little argument between friends is normal," he began, "But when hair-pulling gets involved, then that's getting out of hand." Both girls flushed at being reprimanded. "I believe there's some apologising to do." After both parties had muttered a quick "Sorry," the doctor smiled and clasped his hands together. "Excellent! Now if you don't mind, I'd like some more help in my tour of the village."
Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji were introduced to the foreign ninja and the large group set out from the ramen stand. As they left, Sasuke noticed the empty ramen bowl and the slight blushes that had donned the faces of the proprietor and his daughter. Memories of one of his team's escapades surfaced and he stifled a shudder. He stored the information away for later and re-joined the group.
Notes: You know what I REALLY hate? GNOMES. They are friggin' creepy. I was playing Overlord II, and I was happily stomping through the hills, killing rabbits and whatnot, when I heard this high-pitched squeaking sound. At first I didn't know what it was, when suddenly I see this bouncing red hat jumping around me. So I kill it. And the squeaking stops. Few minutes later, I hear more squeaks. I see more bouncing hats and I send my minions to kill them. Satisfied, I go down the hill, when I'm suddenly ambushed by this squeaking bouncing fireball! The wretched thing jumps on me and attacks me like a horny chihuahua. THEN IT EXPLODES! To my horror, more of the little humping fireballs go ballistic and jump on me. Few seconds later I found myself at the respawn point. Suicide Gnomes...Scariest thing EVER.
-Chindu Prince of Darkness