Bonus Chapter:
Woodland Critter Christmas
A/N: Merry Christmas everyone! Instead of the usual storyline I decided to do my version of Christmas for the Akatsuki Kids? But this will be a bit different from usual Christmas specials that people write about. I hope you like it! And for those who can recognize this yes this is based off an idea from a south park episode. Which I don't own anything!
Narrator speaking
Regular way of talking.
Story Starts:
Way up in the mountains in a small little town where the streets were being decorated all up and down. People stood in long lines, sometimes waited hours or more because Christmas had to be bought in a store. But out in the forest no too far away the little critters were preparing for their Christmas.
"It's almost time for time of year the time that is almost here. We can hardly wait 'cause it's so near a Woodland Critter Christmas!" The little critters worked hard as they happily sang and each one of the them had a quite interesting name:
There was Squirrelly the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear, Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer. Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousy the mouse, , and Chikadee-e the Chikadee all made the forest their house.
And on that day stumbling upon all that was a surprised little blond boy in red poof ball hat.
" …What the hell?" Deidara's eye twitched.
The critters ran up to Deidara in excite.
"Hi there welcome to our forest!" Rabbity smiled.
"How do you like our Christmas Tree?" Skunky asked.
"It's uh nice, un." Deidara answered feeling really uncomfortable.
"Oh no I see a problem!" Mousy exclaimed.
"What is it Mousy?" Deery asked.
"Our Christmas Tree doesn't have a star." Mousy explained.
"We can't have a Tree with no star on it." Beary said.
"Now don't be sad y'all maybe our new friend Deidara can help us?" Squirrelly said.
"Will you really Deidara?" "Can you really?" "Oh please?" They all asked him repeatedly.
"Ok, Ok, I'll do it." Deidara agreed.
"Yay!" They all cheered.
And so using some paper and working with glee the blond boy in the red poof ball hat made a star for the tree.
The critters were all awed by the star Deidara made for them.
"It's nicest star I ever saw." Beary said.
The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile:
"How would you like to sing and dance with us for awhile?"
The little boy smiled and said:
"Uh no thanks I gotta go home." Deidara said.
"G-Good-bye Deidara!" "Like your hat!" They all waved good-bye.
"Ugh." Deidara muttered in disgust.
Later that night:
Deidara stirred in his bed sensing something was here so he turned on the lamp to see… them.
"Hi Deidara!" They all greeted.
"Ah what, un?" Deidara growled while rubbing his eyes.
His friends were all there what a wonderful surprise the little blond boy smiled with joy in his eyes!
"What time is it, un?" Deidara muttered.
"You're not gonna believe this Deidara it's magical Christmas gift ever." Squirrelly smiled.
"Porcupiney is pregnant!" Skunky exclaimed.
"You guys I have to go to sleep." Deidara said drowsily.
"I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization." Mousy nodded.
"Porcupiney is a virgin Deidara. Her consumption was immaculate." Deery explained.
"She's gonna give birth to our lord and savior!" Foxy cried.
Deidara glared at them, "… What?"
"It was told to me I would give birth on Christmas Day." Porcupiney smiled.
"So soon how wonderful our souls are saved." Woodpeckery added.
"There's just one problem Deidara. We don't have a manger for our savior to be born in!" Squirrelly told Deidara.
The critters groaned and their expressions sad.
"But we got to have a manger." Beary complained.
"Can you build us a manger Deidara? Can you do it huh?" Rabbity asked rapidly.
Then without even waiting for Deidara to answer the critters cheered.
"Of course I'll build you a manger" the little boy cried. And he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side.
And out in the woods the little boy steamed right ahead to build a manger for the baby to lay it's sweet head.
"It's the nicest manger I ever saw." Beary once again said.
"I deduce it shall work perfectly as a bed for son of our lord." Mousy confirmed.
"Does this mean we can go to sleep now?" Raccoony rubbed his eyes.
"My son will have the nicest bed in all the forest." Porcupiney said.
"Fit for a king!" Said Woodpeckery.
"This is gonna be the best Woodland Critter Christmas ever!" Squirrelly nodded.
As they started to sing again Deidara was starting to walk away.
"Ok, well I'm going home now, un." He said.
But their singing stopped when they heard a threatening growl.
They screamed. "Aaaah!" "The Mountain Lion!" "Hide!"
A pair of red eyes peered through the forest shadowy trees.
"Go away shoo!" Deidara waved his hand.
The Mountain Lion reluctantly left. The critters came out of their hiding places.
"Is it gone?" Squirrelly asked.
"I deduce it is." Mousy confirmed.
"I-I'm not c-coming out." Skunky stuttered hiding behind a tree.
"Well this is the end. The Mountain Lion obviously knows Porcupiney's pregnant and it's gonna kill it again." Foxy said.
"Again?" Deidara raised an eyebrow.
"Every Christmas the Mountain Lion comes down and kills the virgin critter impregnanted with the son of our lord." Squirrelly explained.
"Let's face it, the Mountain Lion will never let our savior be born." Beavery said depressed sitting on a tree stump.
The critters groaned and cried again.
"Wait a minute let's not be done y'all. Because this time we've got Deidara!" Squirrelly announced.
"Of course Deidara can do anything! If he can build a manger he can stop that mean old Mountain Lion!" Raccoony exclaimed.
"Christmas is saved." Porcupiney sighed with relief.
And the critters cheered again.
~Later~
High up on a dark craggly peak the Mountain Lion lived and preyed on the weak. For the critters to be saved someone had to stop that nasty old cat.
"Goddamnit this is fucking ridiculous." Said the little blond boy in the red poof ball hat.
Killing a mountain was no easy task but he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast.
"Grr. Grrr." Deidara called out to the Lion. "Come on out!"
A pair of red eyes and a malicious growl shown in the cave.
"Come out critter killer. Your days of slaughtering innocent animals are over! Rawr!" Deidara cried.
He dodged when the Mountain Lion pounced out of the cave! Deidara kept growling at it, leading it to the peak of the mountain. As soon as they were right near the edge the Mountain Lion pounced at Deidara, but Deidara moved out of the way and Mountain fell to its death.
In a flash it was over a victorious blow! The Mountain Lion lay slain on the cold ground below.
Deidara swept snow off his clothes. "Ok good."
But before he could leave, to his surprise 3 little Mountain cubs came out of the cave!
"Mommy? Mommy!" One cried.
Deidara blinked.
"W-Wake up mommy wake up." Said another.
"Don't leave us mommy." The last one exclaimed.
Deidara had an astonished look on his face. One of the cubs looked at him.
"Man-boy why? Why did you kill our mommy? Why?" The first one said.
Deidara didn't know what to say. "Th-The critters… b-birth of the savior?"
The cubs then cried.
The tiny cubs gathered together and cried. All alone in the world because their mother had died.
"Ah, Aah!" Deidara groaned.
~Meanwhile with the critters~
"Oo!" Porcupiney squeaked.
"You alright Lady Porcupiney?" Beary asked.
"Oh yes just felt a little kick is all." Porcupiney reassured him.
"Well it can't be too much long now. I'm afraid our helpful friend Deidara must be very dead." Beavery said.
"Yep. The Mountain Lion probably swallowed him whole." Foxy agreed.
"I guess that means our savior is gonna be savior stew." Rabbity said depressed.
The critters groaned in sadness until Chickadee-e cried, "What a minute look!"
Deidara was coming their way!
"Deidara!" They cried out.
Deidara you're alive!" Squirrelly said impressed.
"But does this mean you killed the Mountain Lion?" Beary asked.
"It's dead." Deidara confirmed.
"For real and for true?" "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure, it won't be bothering you anymore." Deidara said in a glum mood still feeling guilty about the incident with the cubs.
"He did it! Now our Critter Chritmas can finally happen! Hail Satan!" Squirrelly exclaimed.
"Hail Satan!" The critters cheered.
Deidara blinked in confusion. "Whoa whoa what?!"
"You've done us a huge favor Deidara. With the Mountain Lion gone we can finally give birth to the antichrist!" Beavery smiled.
"Th-The antichrist?!" Deidara shouted.
"Yes to the son of our lord Satan, Prince of Darkness." Squirrelly explained.
"But I thought you meant the son of God?!"
"Well think about it." Deery explained. "Do you really think God would have sex with a porcupine?"
"No way only Satan Lord of all evil would do that, yay!" Chickadee-e cheered.
"This calls for celebration. Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!" Foxy suggested.
"Yay! Sacrifice me to the devil!" Rabbity cheered.
Deidara watched in horror as they put Rabbity on a table and cut his insides open. Before he could watch anymore of this he ran back home immediately!
~The Next Day~
In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn. The little critters prepared for the antichrist to be born. The noble Mountain Lion queen stopped evil in all the years passed but now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed. And meanwhile three Lion cubs were crying away, for them it would certainly be no Christmas Day. And soon the Forest would suffer from son Satan begat all thanks to the little blond boy in the red poof ball hat.
Deidara groaned in his room.
Now that he killed the noble Lion queen there's nobody to stop the apocalypse it seemed.
Deidara groaned again.
I know! The boy said with a new happy grin. I'll go back to the forest and speak to those critters again!
"No, no, no." Deidara shook his head.
He ran down the living room turned off the light and went back to the forest to set everything right!
Despite what the narrator said Deidara angrily went down instead to watch TV.
… And went back to the forest to set everything right.
Deidara continued watching TV.
… He tried to forget all his troubles by watching TV. But his conscious caught up with him and to the forest he did flee.
Deidara glared at the invisible voice and only turned the volume up louder.
He thought he could hide from his problems not true! He knew the thing he had to do!
"Leave me alone!!" He growled at the invisible voice.
He knew that by only going to the forest he could-
"Alright, alright, alright!!" Deidara roared he turned off the TV and threw the remote. "God!"
~Back with the critters~
"Oh look! It's our old friend Deidara!" Beavery shouted.
"Oh boy Deidara you came in just in time!" Woodpeckery cried.
"Yeah we've got a big problem!" Deery added.
"The great Satan has commanded that for the antichrist to be born we need a non-baptized heathen human." Squirrelly explained.
"We figured you'd be perfect." Beavery smiled.
The critters cheered until Deidara shouted. "I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and I live with a Christian (Nana)!"
The critters groaned in sadness.
"But we got to have a human host body for the antichrist!" Beary complained.
"Now don't be down y'all. I'm sure Deidara will find us a non-baptized heathen human." Squirrelly reassured them.
"Will you really Deidara?" Chickadee-e exclaimed.
"No! I'm not doing you any favors, and I'm not going to let you give birth to the antichrist! I've come to put a stop to all this!" Deidara yelled.
"To stop us?" Beavery paused.
"But gee whiz Deidara if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil satanic powers on you." Beary told him.
Deidara didn't look at them. "Yeah whatever, I came to bring down the manger I built."
But before he could do anything the critters eyes glowed red and a wall of flame cut Deidara's path! Deidara gasped in surprise then all of a sudden crows started pecking at him and tore some of his clothes! (Just a little bit not all of his clothes, you crazy Deidara fan-girls!). Then a dangerous 2-headed dog appeared and barked. Deidara screamed and ran away from the critters.
"Oh boy our evil satanic powers sure did the trick." Beary smiled.
"Sorry Deidara but only a Mountain Lion can kill the antichrist." Squirrelly said.
"And you got rid of her!" Skunky smiled.
They all cheered.
The boy shook with anger. He broke into a sweat and fell ill, until he remembered there were 3 Mountain Lion cubs still alive on the hill!
"Oh, right!"
Deidara climbed up the mountain again to hopefully find help from the cubs.
"Hello? Anybody there?" He called.
The cubs slowly came out of the cave and gasped.
"Oh no it's the man-boy who killed mommy!" One cried.
"He's gonna kill us now!" The other added.
"It's ok. I died inside when mommy was killed anyway." The last one said darkly.
"Yeah better this than the slow death without having a mother around." The second one agreed.
Deidara groaned. "Look I'm sorry I killed your mom, the squirrel told me she was evil."
The cubs looked at each other.
"You got tricked by a squirrel?" The first cub asked. "Gee you're not too smart mister."
"I'm trying to make this alright again, but the only way to stop devil-worshipping critters is a Mountain Lion." Deidara explained.
"Yeah and you killed her."
"Well you're Mountain Lions."
The cubs shook their heads. "Us? No. We still have our baby teeth."
"And our baby claws."
"And a dead mom."
Deidara rolled his eyes. "There has to be a way for you to kill the porcupine's baby."
The cubs paused. "What you mean like an abortion?"
"Yeah an abortion that'll work!"
"But we don't know how to give abortions."
"Do you know where we could learn mister?"
Where could they learn that the boy thought. I know the abortionist's clinic just outside of town!
"What?!" Deidara growled.
So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed and took them to see where abortions are performed.
"No he didn't."
Yes he did.
"No he didn't."
Yes he did.
"No he didn't!'
Yes. He. Did!
And Deidara was suddenly in an abortionist clinic just like the narrator said.
"Ah Goddamnit!" said the blond boy in the red poof ball hat. We made it all the way down cubs fancy that?
"Excuse me, what are you doing here?" The abortionist inquired. "For you to be here a pass is required."
"I don't know." Deidara sighed. "I'm supposed to show these lion cubs how to do abortions-I know it's ridiculious."
"Well you're in luck I'm happy to inform. It's Christmas Eve so I have plenty of abortions to perform." The doctor said happily.
So the lion cubs followed the doctor to the office and learned how abortions are performed.
~Meanwhile with the critters~
The critters were walking around the forest singing until Beary said. "Aw look that little feller is all alone."
"Gee he looks sad." Skunky said sympathetically.
They walked up and said. "Hi there."
The person they were referring to was none other than… Sasori!
He turned around and sweat-dropped. "… What the hell?"
"How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve?" Beavery asked.
"I don't celebrate Christmas." Sasori answered without emotion.
"Aaw but why?" Raccoony asked.
"I don't exactly believe in Jesus." Sasori answered again.
The critters paused then cheered with much joy.
"But does that mean you aren't baptized?" Beary asked.
"No I'm an aethist." Sasori narrowed his eyes.
The critters surrounded and led him off with them into the forest.
"You've got to come with us!" Beavery told him.
"You're perfect, just p-perfect!" Deery cheered.
"Huh?"
~Back with Deidara and the cubs~
'Twas the night before Christmas and in the woods way up high a bright red star hung in the sky. For the forest to be saved they had only one-shot. A boy and three cubs and an abortion plot.
"Alright this is it. You Mountain Lions ready to stop the antichrist from being born?" Deidara asked the cubs as they walked back to the critters.
"Sure we know how to give abortions now." One of the cubs answered.
He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight, but then gasped at a most dreadful sight:
The critters all surrounded an evil, ugly, naked, animal baby.
"God, we did it." Beavery whispered.
"The critter antichrist is born bringing a thousand years of darkness to the forest." Squirrelly added.
The little antichrist kept screeching and the only words that came out was 'kill'.
The critter antichrist had been born sealing the world's fate. The little blond boy in the red poof ball hat was too late.
"Too late? The hell is that?" Deidara asked the voice.
"Oh hi Deidara!" Beavery greeted.
"Deidara! Deidara what the hell is going on?" Sasori grimaced as he was tied to the table that Rabbity was sacrificed on.
"It's Critter Christmas dude and it sucks ass!" Deidara answered Sasori.
"Now all we have to do is put the antichrist in our human host." Skunky said.
The critters cheered and started to prepare.
"That's it? 10,000 years of darkness and I don't even get to have a merry Christmas?!" Deidara shouted.
When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard and jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird.
"Hey look it's Santa Claus!" Beavery exclaimed. The critters cheered.
"Let's eat his flesh!" Raccoony suggested.
Out of the sleigh came out Santa Claus! (Now I know what you're thinking when you expect Santa Claus you expect he has a fat tummy and a white beard. Well his hair is white, but…). Deidara was shocked because Santa was in the form of Jiraiya one of the three Sannin!
"Alright what the hell is going on? Why is their a red star glowing in the sky?" Jiraiya looked pissed.
"We finally did it Santa! We were finally able to give birth to the antichrist with help from our good friend Deidara!" Jiraiya glared at Deidara.
"Death and pain await all living things!" Skunky exclaimed.
"Kid you should be ashamed!" Jiraiya said.
"B-But I didn't mean to help them. I tried to stop them!" Deidara protested.
"Well good going stupid!" Jiraiya shook his head. "There's only one way to stop devil worshipping critters!" He took a bunch of kunai and threw one at Beavery, then Deery killing each of them one by one.
"Dude what the?" Deidara turned confused.
Squirrelly tried to use his evil powers on Jiraiya but was killed anyway.
Deidara however went to untie Sasori. "Come on dude."
After killing every single critter the threat was gone.
"But Santa what do we do about the antichrist?" One of the cubs asked.
"Don't worry," Jiraiya smiled. "The antichrist can't survive without a human host body to go into."
"No, no I want to have the antichrist inside me!" Sasori whispered.
"What! Sasori!" Deidara cried in disbelief.
Sasori ran over to the antichrist and in a wave of light he absorbed the antichrist!
"Dude!" Deidara cried.
Sasori walked on top of the table. "Yes… Yes now I can finally take over Christmas once and for all!!" He yelled.
"Oh stop it Hidan!"
The world changed back and everyone was at Nana's house listening to the story Hidan wrote.
Sasori looking pissed off continued. "Just stop that's enough! You are not reading another line from your stupid story!"
Hidan glared lazily at Sasori. "I don't believe I interrupted you when you read your Christmas story Sasori."
"This whole time your stupid story was just a way to get back at me for not joining your stupid religion!" Sasori growled.
"Woman can you do something about this?" Hidan demanded Nana.
Nana shook her head. "Hidan if Sasori is offended by this you'll have to stop."
Hidan growled and walked back to everyone.
"Well but happened?" Kisame asked.
"Yeah, Did Sasori bring a thousand years of darknes or not?" Zetsu also asked.
"What happens to the Lion cubs." Itachi asked softly.
"Well I guess we'll never know because Sasori doesn't want to hear what happens." Hidan smirked.
"No it all worked out right? Christmas was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner." Deidara said.
Sasori glared at Deidara. "Why do you care?"
"Well after all that I at least want to know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness ruled the earth?" Deidara glared back.
"It's obvious what happens. I get killed by Jiraiya and Christmas is saved." Sasori growled.
"That's not at all what happened!" Hidan protested.
"Just let him read the end." Kakuzu sighed annoyed.
Then all the boys protested to let him read too.
"Alright fine." Sasori gave up.
Hidan went back to his spot and continued where he left off. He cleared his throat. "Oh dear my best friend is possessed how about that? Said the little blond boy in the red poof ball hat.
We now come back to the story Sasori is laughing maniacally.
"Ha Ha Ha! Now I shall rule the-" Sasori stopped and held his stomach. "Aaaah ah, God it burns, Aaa! My soul is on fire!"
Jiraiya and Deidara look in horror.
"I don't like this, I didn't realize it would feel so dark and evil." Sasori muttered.
"Well what'd you expect it's the son the devil!" Deidara shouted at Sasori.
"Oh God what've I done! I'm sorry! Please! I don't want to be the vessel for the antichrist!" Sasori pleaded.
"I'm sorry but it's too late Sasori. Santa's gonna have to kill you." Jiraiya prepared a shuriken.
"No Santa don't!" Deidara protested to Jiraiya.
"We don't have a choice. In a few hours the dark creature inside him will consume his soul." Jiraiya said.
The little boy fretted he almost started to bawl but that's when he came up with best idea of all!
"The Lion cubs!" The boy quickly begun! "I took them to see how abortions are done!"
"What?" Jiraiya's eye twitched.
Deidara bent down to the cubs. "Now cubs hurry up fast! Get the antichrist out of my friend Sasori's ass!" (No one think this is a yaoi because it's not supposed to be!).
So each little cub did their portion and gave Sasori an abortion.
With antichrist out Jiraiya immediately killed it.
"Sorry I went a little crazy back there." Sasori apologized.
"Well Deidara it seems that you have really been through a lot. Is there any special Christmas gift you would like this year?" Jiraiya asked Deidara.
Deidara looked at the cubs and smiled. "Yeah there is."
Back on the mountain Jiraiya looked over the body and used his magic to bring Mountain Lion queen back!
"Wha oh my! What happened?" She asked.
"Mommy?" The cubs leapt to her side with joy to have their mom back.
"Good." Deidara sighed with relief.
And back home there were presents and lots of food to get fat and it was the best Christmas ever. For the blond boy in the red poof ball hat.
And they all lived happily ever after… except for Sasori who died of AIDS two weeks later.
"God damn it Hidan!!!"
A/N: The end. Well I hope you guys learn a lesson from this. Don't talk to extremely happy talking critters otherwise you might have to deal with this kind of crap. Anyways please review and Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Happy Hannukah, or whatever religion you are!!