Disclaimer: Craig Bartlett is the genius behind "Hey Arnold," not I, alas. Um, Craig, if I gave you my entire action figure collection, would you let me borrow them for a little while? Well...crap. Anyway, I also do not own "End of the World." It was written by someone else a long, long time ago, and Skeeter Davis sang it a long time ago. And yes, the scene at the end is just like the scene of my favorite movie and book, "Girl, Interrupted." Don't be too mad that I borrowed it, okay, Ms. Kaysen?

Seeing With Opens Eyes
by Houkanno Yuuhou (for those of you at Kim's forum, I'm HelgasLostTwin)

The colorful Fall leaves were beginning to turn brown and crispy. She watched one fly off the big tree in the yard and continued watching as the wind carried the fragile thing over to her window sill. It was already starting to decay.

"Poor little leaf, you look like how I feel." She jumped in her seat a little. How long had it been since she last heard her voice? It was crackly, tiny, and pathetic. How awful. Even her voice betrayed her. What else could happen?

Well, she was also just talking to herself. Oh, the insanity!

She looked at the little leaf again. Yes, her soul had already withered away, and after a quick glance at her body, she realized it looked like it was decaying, too. "Well," she laughed bitterly, "that's what happens when you don't care about yourself."

A bluebird on a branch outside chirped merrily. The sun was bright and warm. Not one damn cloud in the sky. All that, and kids from the neighborhood were gathering equipment in order to play baseball.

Was everything in the world against her?

Suddenly, the phone rang, startling her. Who could be calling their house? She shook her head and let the answering machine pick it up. Her chipper voice filled the room. "Hello! You've reached the home of Todd and Helga Warner. We're not home at the present time, so please leave your name, your number, and a brief message, and we promise to get back with you as soon as possible!" The machine beeped, and Helga tried to keep from throwing up her lunch.

"Helga, hi! It's Mom. I just wanted to know how everything is and to tell you that Olga is dropping by for a visit."

She jumped up and grabbed the phone. "Mom, I'm here! I'm sorry. I was cleaning."

Her mother laughed. "Oh Helga, you don't have to apologize! I just thought you'd like to know that Olga is coming for a visit, and she said she might stop by your place-"

"No! I...I mean, Mom, just let me come over there, okay? The house is kind of messy because of painting the nursery." She looked at the fresh bruises on her arms and legs. This was not what she needed, not right now.

Her mother was quiet for a long while and then sighed. "Are you okay? You sound sick. Todd's not making you paint the nursery by yourself, is he?"

Why would you care, was the first thought to her mind. Then she bit her lower lip and quickly replied, "No, no, he isn't. I just wanted to get a lot done today, that's all." Oh well, a small lie never hurt anyone. Truthfully, he wanted her to get it done by herself. Today.

"Well, then what time are you coming over? Your father is picking her up from the airport in an hour and a half. We thought we'd all go out to eat at eight o'clock. Todd can come, too," her mother said anxiously, and Helga swore she heard the sound of the blender being pulled out of a cabinet. "That is if he's not working late again."

"He probably is, and even then, he'll still be too tired to go." Another lie. Too drunk, yeah, that was it. Too drunk. "Look, I'll try to come over around six. I can't make any promises though. Todd might want to...do something together."

"Okay, Helga." Before she could even say goodbye, her mother hung up. Probably sick of her excuses. Who wouldn't be?

She returned to her seat by the window. Everything was done except for the painting, and she couldn't help if her stomach hurt, could she? He would understand, wouldn't he?

Sighing, she looked at the kids playing outside. She noticed how the sun made everything it touched glow like gold. Everyone was happy. Why couldn't she go outside and enjoy the happiness, too?

Well, as much as she hated to see her parents fuss over Olga, she couldn't stand sitting in the horrible, drafty house anymore. She didn't want to wait on Todd hand and foot again. This morning was the last time he hit her. The absolute last time, she promised herself.

Wasn't she always breaking promises she couldn't keep?

No, not this time. She was pregnant now. She had a baby now, one that's half his. He wouldn't hurt his future son, would he? Would he?

She rubbed the tiny bulge on her body and sighed. Maybe she would mention it to Todd. Maybe he would realize his terrible mistake and apologize to her. Maybe he would tell her he was sorry for everything, and this was a new beginning.

Or then again, maybe not.

After a while, she snapped out of her trance and saw that the sun was going down, and the children had gone inside for the day. How long had she sat there daydreaming?

The old grandfather clock in the hall chimed loudly, announcing that it was the half hour. She read the time. It was 6:30, a little past the time that she had told her mother she would be there. He was probably drinking again. Would she have to go find him and carry him home again? Not again.

Maybe he would be nice enough to let her go to her parents' this time?

Soon enough, she heard the lock on the front door turning, and then heard the door slam. Well, that answered her question about how he was feeling.

He threw his coat and briefcase at her. "Where's dinner? I don't smell anything cooking." She bent to pick them up, placing the coat on the rack and the briefcase on the floor underneath it. Just like he always wanted it. "Dammit, Helga, I asked where dinner is!"

She looked at the floor, trying to mask her guilt from him. He would lecture her again about how he abhorred laziness. Especially hers. "I...I was so busy painting the nursery...and I had to sit down...uh, I had pains in my stomach."

"Right," he replied curtly and looked around, inspecting everything. He touched the banister and grunted. "This sure as hell doesn't feel dusted and polished. Haven't I told you time and time again about cleanliness? Do I have to tell you how lazy you're being again?"

She felt a hot tear trail down her cheek and watched it hit the floor. Shivering, she whispered, "No, Todd. I'm sorry. I'll fix something right away." She began to walk toward the kitchen, but he grabbed her wrist, twisting it until she almost screamed in pain. "No...please, Todd. Not again, don't hurt me again." She felt like curling up under a rock to hide. If only she could hide from him.

"Just forget it," he spat at her. "Order something for delivery. I don't want to wait on you." But you'll have to wait on them, she wanted to yell but bit her tongue. He would never let her leave tonight if she talked back. He drummed his fingers along the banister impatiently. "Well?"

"Yes, Todd." Oh, how much like a good little slave she sounded! Again, she was so pathetic! Right away, Todd, her mind mocked her. She hesitated for a moment, trying to collect her courage to ask him if she could see her sister. It was worth a shot. "Todd?"

"Hm?" he muttered without even looking up from his work at his desk.

"Would you...well, that is...Mom said my sister, Olga, is dropping in, and we were invited out to dinner."

He laughed sarcastically. "Now why would I want to leave the sanctity of my home in order to see your psychotic family?"

She began to tremble uncontrollably, no matter how much she willed herself to stay still, to be strong. "Yes, Todd. I understand." She peered up at him and dared herself to look him in the eyes. "Can I go? I never get to see anyone, and they're all starting to..." Her voice trailed off. How could she stand up for herself if she couldn't finish a damn sentence?

He sneered. "They're all starting to what, Helga?"

She looked away again, even though she knew she had just given him enormous control over her in that single move. "They're starting to wonder what's going on."

He laughed and went back to his paperwork. "Right, Helga. I don't believe for one minute that your parents actually give a damn about you. Don't be so silly. No one cares for you. No one but me."

"Yes, Todd."

He sighed as if she was some sort of permanent bother to him. "Don't I take care of you? Don't I feed you? Clothe you? Don't I give you enough love? And what do you give me in return?" He looked at her then, the anger in his eyes very apparent. "You are an ungrateful bitch, that's what you are." He began to unbuckle his belt.

She began to cower into the corner of the parlor and shielded her eyes. "Oh, Todd! Not that! God, not that!"

He smiled and pulled the belt from his pants in one fluid motion. "Maybe it's time to teach you another lesson. Isn't that right, Helga?"

"No...no," she whimpered.

A little bit more harshly, he yelled, "Isn't that right, Helga?"

She knew what was coming, but part of her didn't care. That small forgotten part of her ordered her to stand up and pound the shit out of him until his blood was all over his beautiful white carpet that she had to painstakingly take care of every damn day of her married life. Couldn't be one speck of dirt on his precious carpet. Never mind how many bruises were painted all over her body. His carpet was more important. Who cared about her?

Some tiny bit of strength gave her a burst of adrenaline, made her blood boil. "No."

He growled and whipped the belt at her face. He didn't care if anyone saw. Hell, she didn't get out enough for people to see. He made sure of that.

The belt smacked her cheek with such force that she actually couldn't stop herself from screaming out in pain. "Isn't that right, Helga?!"

She touched the now sore, swelling spot on her face. Great, now even her eye would be swollen shut in the morning. "No, it's not right. We're having a baby. Don't you care? You can't keep hurting me!"

"You are having the baby, not us." He looked her over and shook his head in disappointment. "I gave that baby to you, you piece of shit. I can take it away, too, if you get out of line. I will not tolerate spitefulness and losing attitudes in my house." Then he smiled, bent down beside her, and cooed at her, smoothing her hair like she was a little baby. "You got out of line and need to learn your lesson. It's for your own good, Helga. Don't you understand how much I love you? No one else loves you, Helga. You need me. No one loves a hateful girl or a spiteful woman."

She stared at him, horror filling her body. No one loves a hateful girl or spiteful woman. She was sure that she had never been a spiteful woman, or at least that had ended when she met him. But how long had it been since she truly was a hateful girl?

There it was again, that tiny part of her that hated him and called out for her to wake up and beat him up. Had she ever had that much hatred in her heart?

He began to place little sickening kisses on her face and bruises, ignoring the fact that he was causing her more physical pain with each touch. "Oh Helga, you are the most fragile thing in the world. I know you realize how much you need me, need me to protect you from everything evil out there. It's been so long now that you don't remember what it's like out there. This is for your own good, love. You understand that, don't you? You don't really want to go out there alone, do you?"

Right, you fruit loop, criminy, Helga girl, wake up, her mind shouted at her.

She sniffed and nodded, ignoring that part once again, shoving it deep inside. Maybe he was right. No one had ever really loved her. Her father despised her. Her mother didn't care enough about anyone to sober up. Well, maybe she cared for Olga, and Olga really only cared about her own accomplishments and being pampered. She had never had many friends and definitely had none now. Who cared about her except Todd? Only he took care of her. Only he cared enough to shelter her from the harsh environment.

You don't need him, stupid, you can depend on yourself, her mind whispered. Don't you remember how?

She shook it off. He was right. She hadn't faced the world alone in a long while. How could she depend on herself if everyone and everything else had always let her down? No, it was much better inside. She had only been kidding herself earlier when she had gotten that silly urge to go outside.

Maybe it was better not to be anywhere at all. She had always secretly believed that no one loved her for herself, for anything. Her adult life had ended up proving that hypothesis true, sadly. Maybe everyone would be better off if she wasn't simply...around?

Yeah, right, idiot, now that's the way out, her mind scolded.

Yes, it was the way out. Out of this pathetic co-dependent marriage. Out of this uncaring world. Out of this life that just wasn't meant to be. Really.

She nodded again and sighed. "Yes, Todd. I understand. Only you love me. I'm not fit for you, for anyone. I don't deserve you. I'm sorry."

He grinned, and suddenly she felt her heart flutter but then cursed herself for being suckered yet again. That's what she had fallen in love with in the first place. "I love when you see things my way. Stand up." She did as she was told. He tweaked a nipple, and she bit her lower lip until she felt it bleed. It was like she was nothing more than a slab of meat. Then he slapped her butt, making her wince. "Be a good girl now, and go upstairs and wait for me. Maybe I'll be kind to you and let you stay untied."

"Yes, Todd."

She rushed up the stairs and locked the door to their room. It wouldn't really matter since he had a key, but the thought of it being locked eased her mind somewhat, and it gave her enough time to relax...and to think about things.

She walked to the window and opened it up, taking in a big breath of fresh air. As she exhaled, she noticed the strong smell of grills cooking and leaves burning. She saw the picnic nightlights bobbing up and down in the breeze and heard the laughter and serious conversation houses away. She yearned to be a part of all that, but it was never really meant for her, was it? She was just a poor, fragile slip of a woman that knew nothing except what she was told.

Long ago though she had been a bully. Not as terrible as Todd, but a force not easily ignored, she supposed. She had been the bully because she was afraid to let anyone see what was beyond all that. No one ever wanted to see the hurt inside her.

Well, maybe her friend, Phoebe, had tried, but in the end, she too had given up, having come to the conclusion that Helga was beyond help or refused to help herself.

There was a very pretentious girl, she remembered. A rich girl who cared only for fashion and money. She had never taken an interest in Helga. Her group of followers hadn't either, all dismissing her as some wacky tomboy who would never change.

There had been a group of boys, too, but all they had cared about was using her to their advantage. When she had finally balked one day, they left her alone. Forever. They only knew the bully who was as rough as one of the guys, not the romantic poet.

She pulled out an old record player she had gotten at a yard sale long ago as a girl and thumbed through the collection of Forty-fives. A record caught her eye, and she pulled it from the paper covering to place it on the turntable. After she sat the needle on it, the beautiful, sad love ballad poured out of the speakers.

"Why does the sun go on shining?

Why does the sea rush to shore?

Don't they know it's the end of the world,

'Cause you don't love me anymore.

Why do the birds go on singing?

Why do the stars glow above?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

It ended when I lost your love..."

She sniffed back tears and looked out the window again. There had been a boy once. Arnold. He had believed in her, knowing she had a different side to all the taunting and teasing. But eventually, some girl had gotten his attention, and he too had given up. Hadn't he loved her? Ever?

Here she was, kidding herself again. He had never loved her, only wanted to help her as he helped everyone. Why had she fooled herself into thinking she was special to him in the first place?

Because of that blasted day in preschool. He had said he liked her bow, and like a simpleton she had fallen in love, only to never have it returned. What a foolish, foolish thing to do. She was so woefully ignorant! No wonder no one loved her! But even now, her heart was wrenching at the thought of Arnold never loving her, although it had been several years now. What was it about that boy that set her whole body on fire with passion? Anyone could have told her that they liked her silly old bow! Would she have wasted years on them too, in some stupid hope that they would return her love? Stupid! So stupid!

Yes, definitely better to leave it all. She didn't want to be alone, but she didn't want to be left with only Todd to love her. She grabbed a sheet from the bathroom closet and began to wrap it around the ceiling fan. Todd had always insisted on fans, never central air because it was too expensive. Screw the fact that she had almost died of dehydration once because of the heat.

Dammit, she was always doing for him! No more! No fucking more!

"I wake up in the morning and I wonder

Why everything's the same as it was.

I can't understand, no, I can't understand

How life goes on the way it does..."

If only she could apologize for being such a horrible girl once, but that was past her now. There just wasn't enough time. She had never had enough time for anything in her life, and as a result, it had moved too quickly, forgetting her in the process.

She pulled the makeshift noose around her neck and tightened it. As she moved toward the end of the bed, she heard the door unlock and open.

He stood there, hands on hips, gawking at her in disgust. "For Christ's sake, Helga. You're such a stupid bitch. Are you really going to jump?" She stood still, staring at him in return, suddenly afraid to carry out her wish. "I could help you out, push you off the bed," he taunted. "More than you deserve though for this act of defiance." She shook her head, trying to block his voice in any way she could. She couldn't stand the venom in that low, sexy voice. Such hatred for her, just her. He shrugged and walked toward the hall again. "Okay, Helga. You got the attention you wanted. I'll call the police so they can rescue you, but they won't believe a word you say. Don't forget that. You'd better hope for your sake that you gain the intelligence to walk forward before they get here, so they can just clean up after you. Otherwise," he said lowly, dangerously, "I'll have to clean you up." He walked out to find the phone.

She shivered. Maybe this was such a stupid idea, after all. Knowing her luck, she'd end up living anyway, but...damn it, if she could just get rid of that but! Another part of her, even smaller than the other, kept reminding her that Arnold could one day come to his senses and declare his love for her, and then where would she be? Six feet under, that's where, and he would cry for his lost love, and it would be all her fault!

Dammit. Nothing was ever easy.

She stood there, chewing on a fingernail nervously. For as long as she was taking, she guessed she really didn't want to die after all. Maybe Arnold would come for her one day, like in a romance novel.

And maybe pigs would fly one day, too. He was married by now, had to be. He'd forgotten all about his old tormentor, because that's all she was to him, a pest.

She sighed, wondering how much time was passing. Pulling inwards, she listened carefully, hearing the sound of a distant owl screeching, the sound of the phone ringing downstairs and Todd talking to her mother probably, and finally, the sound of a door slamming and footsteps up the stairs.

"She's in this room, officer. I tried to stop her, but she just shut me out." Todd's voice and some of the fakest crying she had ever heard.

"-her name again?" She could barely make out the second voice.

She moved closer to the edge, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. The record player was skipping, she noticed and wanted to step down so she could fix it. Silly really, considering she sort of forgot the sheet around her neck.

She stepped off the bed innocently enough and was surprised when she began choking. Grabbing at her neck, gasping for air, she tried to call out, but couldn't...maybe didn't want to. After all, she had wanted this.

The tears finally fell from her face to the floor, and she stopped her struggling, accepting it, embracing it.

If she could only be the fighter she had once been. What had happened to that girl? How had Todd changed her when no one else could? Why was she so afraid of him? Helga G. Pataki was afraid of nothing and no one!

But Helga Warner was.

"Why does my heart go on beating?

Why do these eyes of mine cry?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

It ended when you said goodbye.

Why does my heart go on beating?

Why do these eyes of mine cry?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

It ended when you said goodbye..."

The door opened again, and she heard people rush in as she faded in and out. She heard the record player turn off.

"Cut her down! Get her down from there!"

"Any idea why she did this?"

"She's pregnant. She's been anxious about her weight gain, and she won't eat." Todd's voice again. She wanted to scream! He was lying, couldn't they tell? But her body remained still, her having lost control moments ago. If only she hadn't been so stupid!

"What did you say her name was again?" The man's deep voice was familiar. Where had she heard it before?

"Helga."

"Okay," the familiar voice began and then paused suddenly. "Helga? Hey! I know her! Helga Pataki?!" the voice shouted. It reminded her of an annoying kid she once knew. What was his name again? Gerry? Gary? Geraldo?

She felt the noose pulled from her neck, and she was in someone's strong arms. Peacefully, she finally slipped into desired oblivion.