(I apologize for this taking so long, but life has been crazy for me for the past year. I've also suffered from severe bouts of depression which kept me from publishing this. Yes, I've held onto it for a year; there's no excuse other than I really thought it sucks. In any case, thanks to a new goal-setting program, I have to write something every day, and it's being followed, so you'll see more from me in the future, even if it's just short stories. However, I'm still devoted to finishing this.)

It's been a long, long, long time,
How could I ever have lost you,
When I loved you.
It took a long, long, long time,
Now I'm so happy I found you,
How I love you.
So many tears I was searching,
So many tears I was wasting,
Oh, oh now I can see you, be you,
How can I ever misplace you.
How I want you,
Oh, I love you,
You know that I need you,
Oh, I love you.

From "Long, Long, Long" by The Beatles

This just had to be a dream. Just had to be some sort of sick delusion to which her mind felt like treating her. She had really just fallen asleep on the couch while waiting to use the phone, that's all. He was not really standing in front of her, looking even more handsome with age. She wasn't really frozen in place, drool slowly pooling into the tiny dimple on her chin. Any time, she could pinch herself, and the horrible image would fade from her eyes. Any time at all.

She didn't even have time to try before he reached over and roughly pinched the area between her neck and left shoulder, a mischievous glint in his eyes while doing so. "You're not dreaming."

The wheels inside her head that had been growing rusty ever since her departure to college slowly began to spin again, wiping away dust and cobwebs with each creaky grinding turn, and after a brief moment to collect herself, it felt like that old part of her psyche had never left.

Folding her arms over her chest, she held her head high and snorted. "Geez! If you're trying to do the Vulcan neck pinch, you're going about it all wrong, Arnoldo."

He laughed and took her hand in his, making her blush before swiping it back. "It's nice to see you, too."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she mumbled, ducking her head against her shoulder to hide her embarrassment. "So to what do I owe the pleasure?" She watched as he fidgeted some, casually shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Ants in your pants?" His eyes were scanning the room for something, and suddenly, it dawned on her. "Uh, we can sit on a couch, if you'd like. More comfortable than these stupid plastic chairs, anyway."

He nodded, and she led him over to one of the huge maroon pleather hospital couches trying hard to be more sterile and intimidating than comfy and welcoming. She braced herself to ease down into her seat and nearly fell over when Arnold just plopped down next to her. An arm went around her to steady her while she glared at him. "Sorry. I keep forgetting," he offered in a small hesitant voice.

She stared at her belly, feeling agitated. "How in the hell can you forget about something like this?" she asked, using her hands to indicate the big bump under her chest.

His face turned a nice shade of rose. "I'm a guy, and I'm not pregnant."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," she mumbled, settling back against the cushion. "So let's cut out all of the formalities bullshit and get right down to it -- why are you here?"

A slight smile formed on his face. "Why did you call?"

It was her turn for her cheeks to redden. "What does it matter to you?"

He stared out the picture window, watching nothing in particular. Crossing his right leg over his left, he leaned back against the couch and sighed. "Why me, Helga? Why call me after all this time?"

She stared with him, watching nothing as she thought about an answer. What could she say that wouldn't sound overly dramatic, pathetic, or just plain stupid?

Geez, footballhead, I can call anyone I want to!

Please, Arnold, take me away from all of this. Let's get married somewhere far away from here and pretend the last decade never happened.

I don't know why I called. Phoebe told me you still care, but we're just kidding ourselves here, aren't we? You have a different life, I have a different life. We should just pretend this never happened and move on.

Just let me kiss you, just one more time. Then I can die happily.

She shook her head and opted for partial honesty. "Phoebe told me to call. She wants us to be friends again." A quick nervous cough. "She's still nosy, isn't she?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. She hummed in agreement and was surprised when his hand slipped into hers. "What do you want?"

Without thinking, she answered, "You," as she snuggled against him. It was too easy to let herself fall into this dreamlike state where there were no consequences for being honest, and she could feel as young as she wanted to. It was a well-honed skill, having done it so many times over the years.

The hand that had been resting on her left shoulder was now gently teasing locks of her hair. "I've missed you so much," he breathed into her ear. "I'd like to be a part of your life again, if that's OK with you."

Heart racing from excitement and mind trembling with fear, she muttered, "You don't really mean that."

A tiny laugh followed by a short huff came from her right. "No, I suppose I don't." And just as she was about to confirm her thoughts, he whispered in that same sultry voice usually saved for bedroom talk and April Fools dances, "I'd rather tell you that you are going to be a part of my life again."

In a tiny girlish voice she hadn't heard since early childhood, she whispered, "I'm married. I belong to someone else."

His grip on her hand tightened, but it wasn't the unpleasantness to which she was used. "Phoebe told me what he does to you, the bruises and cuts they found on your body when you were brought in."

She hung her head in shame. Normally, she'd change the subject by arguing doctor-patient confidentiality laws, but what do you do when said doctor is a worried former friend? And…well, she supposed she just didn't have any fight left in her, after all. Even though she'd spent a good portion of her lifetime dancing around the truth when it came to her feelings, when she finally belonged to Arnold, she found she couldn't lie to him anymore.

Or perhaps she'd been bad at lying all along, but everyone had humored the poor sick girl.

"I asked for it, Arnold. I shouldn't backtalk, you know." She cleared her throat. "Besides, Todd takes care of me, even if we have…disagreements, occasionally. Every marriage has problems, you know."

His gaze had never moved from the window, but now sadness was evident in his eyes. "No, I don't know. I've never been married."

That came as a shock. "Huh? You've got to be kidding me! What woman wouldn't want you? Who's the cow who broke your heart?" she shouted, shaking her right fist for emphasis. "I'll sock her one!"

A strange smile formed on his lips. "It was you, Helga." Then he giggled lightly as her arm fell back to her side. "Don't worry about it."

"Oh, Jesus," she mumbled into her trembling hands, "no. No!" There was already a huge weight on her back appropriately labeled Guilt, and now it had just gotten bigger. Why was she always fucking up people's lives??

Suddenly, she was pulled against him again, and he rested his head on the top of hers. "It's not your fault. It's just…me."

Bitter laughter erupted from her mouth. "Oh, joy! Now I get the 'breaking up speech' even though it's not needed!"

He snorted. "No, seriously. Don't you think I've tried to date? I mean, it's not like I'm dating total losers consciously, but that's what they turn into for me. I keep comparing everyone to you, and well…I just feel like I can't be myself with them."

"Then I was right when I told Phoebe that I've ruined you," she sighed. "You don't deserve this." She sat up and crossed her arms, resting them gently over her belly. "For some reason, I have this talent at fucking up things. I fucked up things for my parents by not being another perfect child and by always getting into trouble, so instead of taking care of themselves, they had to take care of things for me…and they still have to. I fucked up Olga's self-esteem by joining in on the family badgering instead of supporting her for doing something that she wanted and not something that was wanted for her. I fucked up my friendship with Phoebe, the only real friend I've ever had, because of my own hatred for myself. I tried fucking up her relationship with Gerald, but thank God they didn't fall for it."

"It's not like you do things on purpose, Helga."

"I'm cursed, Arnold. You know, I've never told anyone this, but did you ever wonder why my parents didn't try again for the son they wanted so much?" He shook his head. "They couldn't because of me. When Miriam had me, there was a lot of internal bleeding that they couldn't stop without…they had to perform a hysterectomy," she whispered.

"And how's that your fault?"

"I…I don't know," she huffed. "It just is."

Everything was silent for a few minutes, and then he started laughing and stopped when he noticed her glaring at him. "Sorry! You just sound like a little kid, saying that." After that, he began laughing again.

She shot up from her seat as quickly as she could. "You know what? You should just go if that's the way you feel."

"Helga--"

"No, really. I don't need this, Arnold, and…and you know what else? My parents are right about Olga. She needs to grow up and stop living out these stupid childish dreams, and so do I." She started backing away in the direction of her room. "I'm sorry I brought you into my dysfunctional life. Things would have been better for the both of us if I'd just stayed home when everyone was too busy to take me to preschool." With that said, she turned around and made a beeline for the only place where she could be alone. Then she slammed the door and leaned against it, waiting for him to follow like old times.

After nearly ten minutes went by, she sobbed quietly into her pillows and comforter.

An hour later, someone knocked at her door and then opened it. "Helga?" Helga peered out from under her covers and sniffled loudly. "Phone for you on line two." Oh, good Lord! What the hell could it be now?

She threw the covers back, stretched, and then waddled over to the nurses' station. The head nurse grimaced as she handed Helga the phone and pressed a button, and before she could say what was on her mind, Helga interrupted her. "Look, I'm not so thrilled that I have to use this phone either."

The head nurse nodded curtly. "Make it quick."

Helga harrumphed and yelled into the phone, "This had better be good! I'm not supposed to be using this phone."

"Do you think I care?" came Todd's familiar icy tone.

"Oh!" she all but squeaked. Why had he called, today of all days? Damn, his timing was impeccable! The old familiar grip of terror squeezed her heart until her chest ached, and she bit her lip in retaliation.

There was a short pause on his end of the line, and then she heard him sigh irritably. "What the hell have they been filling your head with there?"

Timidly, she retorted, "Uh, aren't you supposed to be following orders about leaving me alone?"

"You're my wife, and I can speak to you whenever I want! Got that?" Then in a quieter voice, he said, "I miss you, Helga. I need you." He moaned as if he were in pain. "Why won't you come back to me?"

She wrapped the coils of the cord around her finger, as if trying to draw some invisible strength from the fact that his voice was just coming through the phone and not there in front of her where he could persuade her to go home. "I…I can't, Todd. I need some help. We can't keep going on like this." In a hushed voice, she added, "You're killing me."

"Goddamn it, Helga, what do you think you're doing to me?" he whined, causing her to jump a little fearfully. "You don't know how badly it hurts me when you aren't here! Jesus, what do you want? Counseling?? I don't believe in that shit, but if that's what you want, then I'll do it!"

She sighed and pulled the cord tautly, imagining it was her neck instead of her fingers wrapped up in its deadly embrace. "You always say that, but you never end up following through."

"So I'll go this time! What the fuck do I have to do to make you come home?" They sat in mutual silence for a while; her not knowing what to say in return, and she figured he was trying to keep his cool. She knew she was close to caving in to him, especially after her time with Arnold earlier. She didn't feel all that great about herself and what she'd done to him. Todd could make her forget again, wash away the guilt. "Helga?"

"I love you," she whispered, unsure of whether she really meant it for him or Arnold. "I'll come home soon. I just need more time."

"How much more fucking time do I have to give you?" he mumbled, her brain barely registering what he'd said through the crackling noise of the bad connection.

"Not long. Where are you, Todd?" He was obviously on the Blackberry because his voice always sounded like tinny shit when he used it.

"None of your business," came the snappish retort and then a small sigh. "Look, I'll give you longer if you really need it. I'm sorry, Helga, really sorry, and I want to prove it to you--"

She buried the urge to laugh. He was reciting the same old lines he always used as his way of apologizing. It was almost sad, really, as if he spent his time perfecting this stuff like some loser from a bar. "I've heard this all before," she reminded him. "You're like a broken record." Expecting his normal reply of anger, she bit her tongue and hesitated, waiting for him to unleash the inevitable string of curses.

They never came.

The odd sound of a strangled sniffle came from his end. "Whatever you say, Helga." Then the crackling line became silent again, and she realized he'd hung up on her.

This was new. It's almost like he'd been…defeated. A word that was not located anywhere within his vocabulary, as he'd said often enough.

She should have been celebrating this tiny victory. Or hell, even relieved that he wasn't doing the normal "I'm needy, and you have to come back now" routine. Instead, she just stood there, confused about the entire conversation and how she should react to it. Why wasn't she happy? Or should she be happy?

Why did she feel so damn guilty?

A frustrated look from the nurse snapped her out of the self-induced catatonia, and she numbly handed back the receiver before making her way over to the other phone in the patients' living quarters. Her fingers dialed numbers purely from memory, hoping she hadn't screwed up and that Arnold was actually home.

After a few rings, a pleasant and very feminine voice answered. "Hello?"

Her insides twisted miserably. Of all the goddamn people to answer his phone! That voice certainly hadn't changed much over the years. "What the hell are you doing there, Lila?"

"I'm sorry, who's this?"

"Ah, cute," Helga chuckled to herself. "Which one are you there for, comedic or sexual relief?"

Realization dawned on the other end. "Helga?" There was a bit of hushed talking between Lila and some guy; whether it was Arnie or Arnold, she couldn't tell. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to call again later."

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to bite my ass," Helga replied bitterly. "Put Arnold on."

"I don't think he wants to talk right now, Helga. He's talking to Arnie, and he seemed ever so upset about his visit with you."

"I…I." Words died in her throat. God, she'd managed to fuck up both Arnold and Todd, all in one day! She should just live out her life alone, at this rate!

"Maybe you should go," Lila repeated.

Her hands trembled and tightened around the hard plasticness of the receiver. "I'm…I'm sorry, Lila. Please tell him I'm sorry."

"You should tell him, just not right now. Call back tomorrow."

Before she could get out "I can't," the line went dead. Well hell, that was par for the course tonight!

Growling in frustration at Lila, Arnold, Todd, and herself, she hung up the phone and went to bed to help ease her mind into forgetting about past mistakes. Yeah, sure, she'd call Arnold tomorrow, and she'd let him know exactly why he shouldn't get involved with her again. For his own good, not hers.