A/N: I had a bad day at work today This makes everything better though, even though it's depressing too. This chapter was hard to write and I feel like I babbled a lot, but it's necessary before the next tragedy hits.

I do not own TMNT

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Even though those were the only words going through his head, the pain still gripped every inch of his body. He found it extremely hard to remain kneeling on the soft mat in the dojo, surrounded by soft candle light and chilly air. Recently he had found it hard to do anything but lay down on the floor and stare into nothing. After losing Raph, Leo's body had shut down. He no longer felt the motivation to do anything. He couldn't train, he couldn't smile; he barely found the energy to talk when it was necessary. The Fearless Leader had finally snapped. Leo hadn't eaten in nearly a week. He'd slept a grand total of thee hours in the six days since Splinter's death, and only because he had been in the living room with his brothers and they had been watching him. He hated having to let his brothers see this, but he couldn't help it. Leo couldn't put on his mask now. There was no mask anymore. There was no reason to hide the anguish tormenting his soul.

Don and Mikey were in the same shape. They had each other though, and for that Leo was extremely grateful. They spent most of their time in the kitchen or living room. Leo often found both of them asleep on the couch, always close and touching, as if to make sure they wouldn't be ripped apart. Leo worried about them, but he couldn't do anything now. He couldn't cope. It would be worse to try to help them. So he left them be for now. Once he found a solid foundation to latch onto and begin healing, then he could help them. It agonized him even more to do nothing, but it was necessary.

Even though he was in a lot of pain, most of all, Leo felt numb. He could manage to keep the knowledge away for a while, but when he did, he felt limp and shallow, like a pool an inch deep. Anything deeper was lost in the permanent feeling of being punched in the gut. It made him curl over in pain when he realized half of his family was lying dead in their freezer in Don's lab. None of them had set foot in there since they tucked Raph's body in next to Splinter's. They would go to the farm for their burials tomorrow. Leo had returned to Casey's and April's after Raph was gone and called the police after collecting all they would want. Old picture albums, Casey's baseball bats, April's china, other things that held fond memories that were too hard to recollect at the moment.

Thoughts of April and Casey made tears fall down Leo's face and his limbs began shaking. It would be hard going up there tomorrow without them. He would miss their constant bickering, April's strong opinion and control, Casey's stupidity and the constant wrestling matches with Raph.

Raph.

Thoughts of his brother sent Leo falling to the ground, gripping his stomach and clenching his jaw. Raph. The strong willed, hotheaded, fierce one; Raph, the one to always jump into a fight first; the one Leo would stay up late and wait for; the one that would use Leo as a punching bag, but let Leo punch him back when he needed it. Raph, the one that had held him together after Splinter died; the one that was too proud to show emotions, or maybe considerate enough to hide them from the oldest to keep him from worrying, but Leo could still see them behind that brave façade. Raph, the one he needed right now to come in and kick his sorry shell. The one that would have told him everything was going be alright and make it so. The one that couldn't be gone.

And yet, his cold frozen corpse lay in an icy casket a hundred feet away. There would be no more pointless arguments, no more playful competitions, no more silent understanding passing between them. There would be no more rock for Leo to lean on when he was beaten, like he was now.

And Splinter.

The thought of his father made him throw a hand to his face and clamp his mouth shut to hold back the sobs. Leo couldn't even begin to describe the agony that twisted his entire body dry.

"Leonardo."

A soft yelp slipped through his hand as he heard the voice. Leo had to get control before his brother's heard. It wasn't him. It's just your stupid imagination. Stop it. He mentally yelled at himself.

"My son."

Leo screamed, but was cut short as he sucked in his breath. He soon felt the burning need for oxygen, but he ignored it, knowing that he would only scream more. Black began tickling his vision and he tried to give in to unconsciousness, but another voice reached his ears.

"Leo?" Mikey's soft voice came from the doorway Leo's back was facing. He released his hold over his mouth and sat up, taking in long shallow breaths.

"Yeah Mike?" He breathed, facing his brother. Leo could only see a silhouette surrounded by the harsh luminescent lighting.

"Dude, you're white." Mikey said as he rushed forward.

"I'm fine, Mike." Leo snapped as he brushed his brother away. Leo instantly felt ashamed. Mikey's face twisted up in hurt and his eyes brimmed with tears. "Mikey, I'm sorry. I'm a mess. I'm sorry I've been such a bad brother. I should be here for you and Don. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna get better, I promi…" Leo was cut off as Mikey fell into his arms and latched his arms around Leo.

"Leo, we haven't been there for you. I'm sorry too, bro." He said between sobs. Leo felt his control returning, and the limp feeling was replaced with a fire that strengthened him. He still had two brothers to take care of, and he needed to hang onto that. It would keep him firm. It would give him a purpose and a reason to keep living.

Several moments of silence passed before Leo spoke again.

"What did you need Mike?" Leo said softly as they rose to their feet.

"Don says we're ready. It's nearly midnight."

The gut punched feeling returned, and Leo fought to remain upright. "We just need to load up the…" He gulped back bile. "The freezer?"

Mikey clenched his jaw, but his face was of pure anguish. "Yeah." He barely breathed.

Leo just nodded and they made their way out of the now dark dojo. Leo didn't know if he would ever be able to set foot inside again. So much sweat and blood had been spilt in this room; so many memories with his now deceased family members. He sadly shut the door after grabbing his katana and placing them on his back.

The freezer was in the garage already, and Leo made himself sing a song in his head to distract himself as he helped his brothers lift it into the back of the van. Not a word was spoken as they hopped in, Mikey in the back, Leo at the wheel, and Don in the passenger seat. Mikey had brought a blanket and was soon asleep.

Half an hour of silence passed before Leo caught the sound of sniffling.

"Don?" He whispered.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"Shell you are. Shell we all are." Leo said softly.

"Leo, how do you stand it? How do you cope with this?" Don said angrily.

"I don't, Don. I can't. How can I?" Leo said sadly. He glanced at his brother and saw the pain in his features. Don was thinner, just like Leo probably was. Mikey was the only one that had been able to eat, and it had only been a fraction of what it normally was.

"You've been better than me and Mikey. I haven't heard or seen you cry once. You haven't woken up screaming after a nightmare at all." Don's voice was choppy and soft, like he had been screaming. And he had. Leo had heard every night.

Leo sighed. He knew telling Don would only make him angrier, but he couldn't bring himself to lie to his distraught brother. "That's cuz I haven't slept, Donnie. I can't."

Don was silent for several minutes. "I'm sorry, Leo." He whispered.

"No, Don. I'm sorry. I haven't been there for you. I've been a wreck. I'm better now. We'll make it through this. We still have each other." Leo reached over and grabbed his brother's hand. "I promise."

"I know Leo. Thanks." He whispered.

The next few hours passed in silence. Don drifted in and out of sleep. Leo kept the radio on, but his thoughts still drifted to his fallen family members.

Leo.

"Guys, we're here."