Disclaimer: I do not own Bones and never will, but I am obsessed!
Author's note: Here is part three. You will finally learn the rest of the story about what I like to call "the incident." You will also find out a little bit more about what happens when Brennan opens her door. I also have a few ideas about Sweets and Angela's points of view. Anyone interested?
Chapter 3: Conflicted
Booth is in a bubble when he returns from Afghanistan. He and Bones fall into work and are successful. Hannah arrives and his son is happy to spend time with him. He is worried about how Bones is going to deal with Hannah, and is thrilled when after an initial uneasiness, the two become friendly. He is so relieved by he lack of tension that he lets them bond over stories of him, stories that usually embarrass him.
He is also pleased when the lab, seeing that Bones is happy with the new order, warms up to Hannah. He attends the goofy shower and knows that Hannah threw the game to let Bones win. He is happy that Hannah respects Bones' feelings and wants her to be happy too. He had to move on and he is thankful everyday that Hannah understands him and that she understands him and Bones.
His happy bubble is popped when he stands Bones up twice in two days. He feels bad the first day, but she is so understanding that he brushes aside the fleeting look of sadness on her face. He can't explain the second day. Hannah calls and flirts on the phone and Booth is forced to choose between fun and work. He's conflicted for a moment, but then Hannah says just the right thing and the decision is made. For the first time in years, he chooses fun. He knows he made the wrong choice when he gets stuck in traffic and is very late to a pivotal briefing. He walks into the packed room, using his charm to make his apology. Bones makes a pained expression that wipes the grin off of his face. He feels guilty, worse later, when he remembers the phone that Hannah turned off during their tryst and he sees all of the missed messages. He has to fake his way through the meeting when Bones goes completely squinty and then leaves with little explanation. He does his best damage control, but can't avoid an icy glare from Caroline that cuts right through him.
He tries to apologize after the briefing, but Bones is nowhere to be found. His calls and text go unanswered. She is not at the lab or at home and none of the squints know where she went. He is about to file a missing persons report when he gets a text message from Max saying that she is with him and to leave her alone, or else.
His mistake keeps him awake for a few nights. The first night he remembers a conversation about betrayal and wonders if he has betrayed Bones. He apologizes the next day and so does she, but they are both still tense. That second night he wonders if she considers it a betrayal and wonders when Max is going to come at him with a sharpened copper pipe. His thoughts are blank on that third night and he just stares at the ceiling until he realizes that Hannah has woken up beside him. He reaches over and kisses her, trying to return to the bubble.
Hannah notices his relatively sour mood and tries to cheer him up by inviting Bones to dinner a few nights later. Brennan has apparently forgiven him and the three have a nice time. He thinks that he and Bones have somehow repaired what was recently damaged. They have both compartmentalized and they return to old patterns. They exchange glances and read each other like old times. The weekly dinners become a pleasant tradition, But every once in awhile, he catches Bones' saddened face and knows that it isn't exactly the same. He also catches some strange looks from Hannah when he mentions or is thinking about Bones and feels uneasy about them.
He doesn't know what possesses him to invite Sweets of all people to lunch or why he continues to do so. But it seems to work and when Brennan wants her baby duck to come out in the field he also agrees. Booth thinks Sweets' time as a mall pianist has mellowed him and cured him of his meddling tendencies. Or something like that. Anyway it keeps Bones from becoming an issue with Hannah and everybody remains friends with minimum tension.
He has a bad feeling in his gut on a day when Sweets can't clear his schedule and go with them to question a suspect. He is on high alert and his instincts are confirmed when the man draws and fires his weapon erratically. Booth's heart stops when he hears Bones cry out. His reflexes do not fail him and he is able to neutralize the threat and be at her side quickly. He sees the blood soaking her pants and nearly has a panic attack. She somehow convinces him to calm down, call for back up and give a statement while the paramedics administer their first aid. She assures him that she is fine, that is only a few stitches and she is in little pain, but he takes her home flashing back to their past and all of he bullets that they have taken for each other. He shivers on occasion but is able to remain relatively calm. When Hannah asks how his day was he doesn't mention the bullet just that he had a bad day.
That night Hannah feels particularly affectionate and her lips brush by the prominent scar on his chest. He is instantly taken back to an open mic night and he can't suppress his flinch. Hannah does not miss the reaction, but she ignores it and after the same thing happens a few nights later she learns to avoid the area altogether. He doesn't know how to tell her that that scar belongs to Bones, that it is theirs and Hannah has no claim to that piece of him. That knowledge makes him feel guilty and he atones by agreeing that Bones would probably like this Anthony guy that Hannah mentions is interested in meeting Bones. He continues to atone by putting on a pleased expression when Bones begins dating him. And he even agrees with enthusiasm that a double date sounds like a good idea.
He is miserable during their dinners. He tries to be polite but he can't help the scowl that appears when Anthony touches Bones and guides her by placing his hand on her back. Anthony's hand rests above the spot that Booth had claimed long ago, and Booth has to force himself to let it go because he hasn't touched her in months. He doesn't have a claim on Bones anymore. They are just partners, it is all that they can ever be now. He continues to have Sweets as a babysitter. It is better for all of them that way.
He is glad when that last double date is canceled and Anthony is never mentioned again. It should be more bittersweet because if Bones could move on he thinks that he could feel free to take a next step win Hannah. He could permanently fix all the tension that was working its way into his once carefree relationship. Having that relationship work out should have solved his problems. But Anthony wasn't good enough for Bones, and Booth wonders who could possibly deserve her. He is just glad that he is gone and he doesn't have to deal with anymore awkward dates.
Booth hears rumors that Agent Monroe is retiring. He also hears rumors that he is on the short list as his replacement. He has turned down two promotions in the past, one that would have meant leaving DC and Parker, the other would have meant leaving Bones and their work. He can't believe that he hopes he gets the job because it might be time to move on. He would still be able to supervise the Jeffersonian team on occasion, so he wouldn't completely be abandoning Bones, but their time together would be seriously limited and a new agent would be assigned as the liaison. He wonders if he could really content himself with only seeing her on Wednesday nights and an occasional lunch. Would it be better or worse than the chaperoned life that they currently had?
Booth is not offered the job. He is relieved that he doesn't have to make a decision but upset that he wasn't given the option. The FBI used to have such confidence in him, did they still believe in him? He feels like he's been fired and he recalls a firing from long ago. There is only one person he wants to comfort him for being passed over for that job and he is surprised that it isn't Hannah. So he invites Bones to that first bar and once again they share a bottle of liquor.
Bones waits patiently for an explanation but he doesn't want to give it. He sees her face as if for the first time and he is reminded of their first case, their first kiss and their subsequent partnership. How can he tell her that he wants to walk away? That he can't be a field agent forever and if he wants to take a next step with Hannah, it would be best for him to move on. Their stalemate can't work indefinitely.
He has been staring at her for too long, conflicted and not sure how to start to talk to her. And then, her lips are on his and he is frozen in place. He doesn't respond and she pulls her lips away and starts talking. He hears the three little words that once would have thrilled him and made him the happiest man in the world, but now make him feel sick. Someone else is saying those words to him now; he is saying those words to someone else now. He can barely hear the rest of her speech because his own pounding head is so loud and he cuts her off.
"Damn it, Bones. I told you how I felt and you shot me down. You agreed that I should move on and I did. I'm trying to do that everyday. I'm with Hannah. I love Hannah. Don't you dare put that on me. Damn you, Bones." His head hurts and he pours himself another shot. He doesn't know what else to do. She slips off of her stool and flees and he doesn't chase her. He wouldn't know what to do even if he could catch her. So he continues to drink from the bottle until the bartender tells him that he's had enough. Booth waves him away and the bartender grows concerned. Booth slams his car keys on the bar in resignation, and tells the guy to call him a cab. He gets off the stool, wobbly on his feet and saunters over to a pool table.
Booth loses twenty bucks quickly as he is too drunk to walk in a straight line, let alone aim at a cue ball with any accuracy. His ride arrives before he can do any more damage and the bartender pours him into the cab. Booth mumbles his address and leans his head back in the dingy car. He is overcome with nausea when he realizes what he has done. What he has done to Bones and to Hannah and to himself. He is able to make it into his apartment and collapse on the couch, and he tries to sleep off his drunkenness. But the decorative pillow he rests his aching head on smells like Hannah and for once it isn't a comforting smell. He stumbles to the bathroom and heaves into the toilet.
Hannah is by his side offering him a damp washcloth asking him if he is alright, but he is unable to answer. How can he tell her what Bones has done, what he has done? He is disgusted at himself for gambling at that bar and in his life. He professes his love to her; it is the only thing that is able to come out of his mouth. But for the first time it doesn't sound sincere when it comes out. He tries it again after throwing up once more. He still isn't convinced of his sincerity, and strikes out after vomiting a third time. He spends a restless night on the couch because in his altered state he feels like it might be cheating to share a bed with Hannah while thinking of Bones. And he isn't sure who exactly he would be cheating on.
He knows that he owes Hannah an explanation, but she never demands one so he avoids giving it. Nothing is the same after that night. He is with Hannah, he made his choice and Hannah has done nothing wrong. So he tries to convince himself that everything is fine at home. He frantically tries to convince Hannah of his love, hating the hollowness that seems to be in that declaration now. He sleeps beside her at night and she feels nice in his arms, but it no longer feels right. He thinks he would go crazy if he didn't have his meetings to attend. It is a lifeline for him, because it is the only place that neither woman in his life has access to.
After his first meeting he tracks down Sweets, locks the office door and confesses everything. He talks uninterrupted for over half an hour. He doesn't ask for advice, he just tells Sweets to keep an eye on Bones because Booth is unable to any longer for his own sanity. Booth trusts Sweets to keep these secrets and to keep her safe. Then with nothing but a sad nod from Sweets, Booth stands up, unlocks the door and walks out of the office.
Booth avoids Bones as much as possible but tries to keep up appearances with the lab and with Hannah. Nights at the Founding Fathers are slightly tortuous, he would prefer to avoid the place altogether like he does the diner, but feels that it would be too suspicious. He is relieved that Bones doesn't attend and thankful to Sweets for being there for her. He catches Angela's disappointed glances every once in awhile, but she never stays long enough to confront him about it. He thanks God for small miracles.
He wakes in the middle of the night and just stares at the ceiling, wondering when his life became such a disaster. And his guilt increases on the nights when Hannah also awakens and lies beside him silently. He always ends up kissing her on those nights trying to prove his love, but he knows that his heart isn't fully in it anymore.
He is surprised to find Hannah's bags by the door one night, but it makes sense. She is a reporter, after all, and major events are happening at the moment. A few nights away might be good for both of them. Then she enters the room and he sees her face and he knows that it isn't a quick trip that she is making. It's officially over. He reaches for her hand and wants to tell her to stay, but he also wants to tell her to go, that he isn't sure that he can make it work. He wants to tell her that he does love her, that he can fix things. He wants to come clean about the other woman who has such a large piece of his heart. He wants to apologize for all of the crap that he has put her through. He wants to apologize for not being able to give up his Bones, for loving both of them and not being able to give everything to Hannah. There is so much that he wants to say but she releases his hand and cups his cheek and she tells him that it OK for him to be with Bones. He hugs her goodbye, somehow saying everything that he wanted to say without uttering a word. He lets her walk out alone with her bags and, utterly exhausted, he collapses on the couch.
He spends a sleepless night smelling the ghost of Hannah on a pillow. He calls into work sick that day, unable to leave the couch until he figures out exactly what he wants. Eventually, decisions are made and he dresses and leaves the apartment. He goes to one last meeting, goes to church and takes a long walk before making his way to Bones' apartment late in the evening.
She takes forever to respond to his knock. He worries that after everything that has gone down, nothing can ever be recovered. He worries that all walls have crumbled, and the ruins can never be rebuilt. He worries that he will never see her face again. He contemplates leaving before she answers the door, he can't decided if after all of his internal debating that all of the struggle will be worth it.
But she does open the door and instantly their lips find each other, desperate to be reunited. He breaks the kiss after a short eternity and buries his head between her shoulder and neck and they both cry for a bit, their tears wetting each others clothes. Eventually, they settle down and she extracts herself from his embrace and takes his hand pulling him towards her bedroom. He finally finds his voice. "Bones, we can't do that tonight. It's too soon. I don't, I can't jump from one bed to another."
Her voice is soft as she replies, "I just want to hold you tonight. Is that OK?"
He smiles softly at her, it is an easy decision to make, no conflict involved. "How about we hold each other?" She nods, a little numbly, and leads him through the bedroom door.