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The only thing I could do now was pretend things were normal – pretend everything went back to normal. My babysitter was happy to leave though she showed scepticalism over my state, which I brushed off without notice. I was taught to very vaguely socialize with people, to focus of my role as a human being before friendships or relationships: I didn't care what she thought of me in the first place.
I've been crushed enough to not take any offence to anything.
Pain was an everlasting thing for me – it never went, always stayed. It was always in some part of my body, but mostly in my heart. Most people with having what I did, feeling like I have, would have left this world immediately. Would have been ancient, distant history, never heard of or spoken. But I had something to live for. I had four little girls that couldn't take what my parents had to give, that couldn't take care of themselves or each other the way they needed. They were the only reason I hadn't already ended the misery.
"Un jump!" I didn't understand her obsession over "un".
"You want to jump, Sophie?" I asked distractedly.
"Jump!" she repeated, bending her knees and straightening them.
I continued cutting the apple up on the cutting board as she ran away, probably to find her amusement elsewhere. Caitlyn still hadn't come down from her room, and when I tried to persuade her to come down, she yelled through the door for me to go away. She even locked it from her side, which made me wonder why there was a lock there in the first place. I would need to get that fixed.
From the kitchen I called to the girls, wherever they were. I heard the sounds of multiple feet slapping the floor and Emma rounded the corner full-force. She smiled up at me, shouting useless nonsense. "Sophie!" I called. "Come here!"
With no response I abandoned my work in packing the picnic basket and started into the living room. Melly sat on the couch clutching her baby blanket, her eyes slightly fluttering; Sophie was sitting on the floor so close to the TV that her head was thrown back, totally transfixed by the carton on the screen.
"Hey, baby," I said, sitting down beside her and pulling her into my side. "Its lunch time. Are you hungry?"
She nodded.
"We're going to have a picnic on the trampoline," I told her excitedly. "Are you going to join us, Melly?"
Her nod was much more enthusiastic now as she looked up at me with a grin. It was the smile that I still stuck around for, that I lived for.
"Let's go." I stood up and picked her up with me, setting her on her feet. On our way out I scooped up Sophie on my way, ignoring her kicking and screaming in protest.
Once everyone was fully dressed for the cool weather we ventured out. In the late February breeze, it was brisk but not so cold that I had to be conscious of Melly's condition worsening. In the bland and leaf-scattered yard was a large trampoline, purchased before the twins were born. As I held Melly's hand and the twins' attention scattering around the all the little things, I turned around the lance up at the house.
I knew better than to pick at Caitlyn – because she clearly didn't want to talk. I knew she would never be hurt again, though, because I did take care of it. Now she just needed time and space.
I unzipped the semicircle in the net around the trampoline and hoisted each of them up, one at a time. "Be careful," I warned. It clearly stated not to allow children under six on there, but I didn't pay attention to that: if I was sure they would get hurt, I wouldn't let them on it. The twins struggled to keep their balance but found it so hilarious that giggles echoed out of the yard. When Melly came down from a jump she would bounce the twins over, to where they would erupt in little giggles.
"Okay, slow down!" I cautioned, sliding the basket in and jumped in after it, zipping up the holey screen behind me. "Stop jumping!" I said loudly over the squeaky voices. Melly ran over and bounced down beside me, sending both twins over onto their bellies. I cracked a smile at the sight. "Emma, are you hungry?"
"MMMM!" she screeched, jumping a whole two inches off the surface.
"Then come here." I passed Melly a sippy cup – just to be safe – and unloaded two more to entice the younger ones. Sophie was first to run after it, taking it from my hands and wrapping her lips around it. She turned and fell back on my lap. "Emmmmaaa," I drawled teasingly. "I have juice for you."
"Juice!" she repeated, though it sounded more like "joos". She wobbled over, unsteadily.
Everything was settled and the noise was at a minimum. I unloaded various fruits and sandwiches, food that wouldn't equal an absolutely horrible mess to clean later. The blanket on the bottom of the basket was set up under the branches that curved high up above the trampoline. We all sat very close to each other and munching away. Well, I sat there and helped the twins, partly cuddling with Melly.
"Open...open...open wide!" I mimicked what I wanted her to do and when Sophie opened her mouth wide, I popped a little piece of apple in there.
My appetite wasn't quite at its best so I only sipped at a plastic water bottle.
We were just finishing when I heard a weird sliding sound. I looked up and saw Caitlyn closing the door behind her. I tried not to smile at her as she slowly approached us across the lawn. Emma noticed immediately and a grin spread across her face. She started speaking her baby gibberish. I shifted Sophie off my lap and carefully walked around the edge so as to not send anyone or anything flying.
Unzipping the door I jumped down and started toward her. The change on her face was noticeable; she wasn't looking forward to this at all.
"Caitlyn, can we talk?" I asked, spinning her around as she tried to escape my pressing tone.
"I'm hungry," she mumbled.
I sighed impatiently. "Well, it will only take a minute." I set my arm on her shoulders, briefly glancing to make sure all was right on the trampoline and pulled her toward the house.
"Caitlyn, I need to know if your okay," I told her.
She wouldn't look up at me. "I'm fine, just hungry," she said bitterly.
"Don't use that tone with me," I snapped, pointing at her. "I am asking because I care about you Caitlyn." And I am having horrible doubts of the threat I just tossed out on the one person who thought I was worthy to be spoken to. "It was Edward, wasn't it?" I demanded, not even pretending to be appeased with her anymore.
I was feeling the doubts, slowly realizing that I really shouldn't have gone all protective over this situation without the facts. I hoped I didn't mess up. I hoped I was right, that I did everything right at the right time.
"No," she whispered, in a tone that implied that this should have been obvious. "It...not him."
"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath, even though I never swear.
I made a huge mistake. In my head I went over everything that I just did, everything I just said. Everything that I ruined. I pushed away the first person who has talked to me at school; I have destroyed the best relationship the girls have ever faced. All because I couldn't listen to one little thing. But I realized it wasn't little. Caitlyn was violated by someone, and the one I accused of it was way off.
My heart sank in my chest and I felt dejected. Edward didn't touch her, I thought over and over, hearing the words and remembering what mistake I have made.
I was so caught up in my own upset thoughts that I wasn't sure if Caitlyn admitted to who it was. An at that moment, there was only one thing on my mind: Edward.
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