Authors Note: I originally intended for this 2nd part to be the last but alas things do not work out that way. It's interesting that it takes 1 chapter to break down Rachel to her lowest point but it's going to take more than 1 chapter to build her back up. This chapter starts off at Puck's POV because as basically the one person who obviously notices that something is wrong and somewhat cares I think it's interesting to see some thing from his POV. You'll know when it switches back to Rachel-it's when she wakes up in the hospital.
Please leave reviews all! And thank you for the story alerts and putting this little fic on your favorite stories list. I'm flattered. But let me know what you're thinking on whether you like this or hate it or suggestions or anything. They're really appreciated.
Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own glee. sigh.
He's been watching her for awhile now.
It's not very hard to. There's so much going on in her life, and his isn't that interesting anymore. He goes to school and actually starts to give a crap because Artie's kind of cool and tutoring him in a couple classes. He keeps to himself most of the time and doesn't talk to a lot of people in glee club. He stopped his mess with Santana after he made out with Rachel. It just doesn't seem right anymore. And if he makes an effort to talk to Finn he might punch him in the face. Puck knows he's a douche, but Finn has played the victim at someone else's expense one too many times and he knows that's not right.
So he watches Rachel sometimes.
He meant what he said to her that day at the lunch table and she needed to hear it. It's his fault. He's a selfish bastard and wants everything and never gets it. Beth, Quinn, his dad…he's never good enough for any of them. That's why he thinks he understands Rachel.
But she doesn't seem to get it. Apparently she's a selfish annoying brat. Annoying? Yeah maybe but who isn't these days. He wants to punch the shit out of Mr. Schue sometimes because of how annoying he gets, and Brittany's child like innocence is too much for him to handle. Everyone is annoying and Rachel's not exempt from that. Doesn't mean she's the bad person people try to make her out to be.
There's something obviously wrong with her. She's never actually called herself names before.
Over time she becomes more gaunt, withdrawn, and pale. She doesn't even look like Rachel Berry sometimes.
Her hair doesn't smell the same.
There are few times he has been close enough to notice but when he is he takes the time to smell her hair. It smells like honey, vanilla, and warmth.
They're swaying in the background during a group number one day in practice and twirls her in his arms and holds her close and doesn't smell anything when he breathes in her hair. She feels lighter in his arms and in the back of his mind he thinks that he's not even holding her at all.
Her gaze tends to be on a few things. Rachel is either looking at nothing or she's looking at Finn and Santana.
He moved on quickly after the break up and Puck knows because he and Santana ended things before Christmas. He knows how serious they're getting because he overhears Santana talking to Britt about it one day.
"God Britt he's hung like a horse you'd be surprised. He actually gave it to me so good last night that I think I'm gonna keep him around for awhile. Berry wouldn't know what to do with potential like that anyway. Plus he makes awesome grilled cheese sandwiches for me."
When Santana intends to keep you she doesn't let you go. Not until she says so.
He feels bad for her. She never looks like she slept enough and Santana makes it her mission to turn everyone in glee club against her, including him. He usually gives her the finger and walks away before she can finish explaining her plan.
He starts giving her notes for some classes after that one time he saw her completely konked out in English class.
He doesn't know what to do or what to say to her. But he knows she's not ok. Who is he going to tell?
Mr. Schue?
Ms. Pillsbury?
There's no one who cares enough about Rachel Berry that he knows well enough to say something to.
He knows she'll reach a last point. He'll be waiting and watching for it.
Schue is a fucking piece of work for this.
What teacher allows three people that mean way too much in too many ways to this group of people in here to try and inspire them?
What the actual fuck?
He keeps hearing Beth's giggles and whimpers and he clenches his fists every time. He wasn't supposed to have to deal with this anymore. He looks over at Quinn after Beth gurgles at one point and she looks just as pissed off as he is.
He doesn't hear a word St. Douche says and the same goes for Shelby. He just needs to go and get out of here.
When class ends and Schue dismisses them he sees Rachel dart out of the classroom and he curses to himself for forgetting the double whammy this must be for her.
He's walking a few feet behind Jesse, Shelby, and Beth when he sees Rachel at her locker quickly putting things in her bookbag. He can see the tears coming down her face from here and fear gnaws at his heart.
She looks at the trio coming towards her and her face falls completely in devastation. She slams her locker shut and runs towards a back entrance door. He keeps calling her name because if there was ever a time he should distract and talk to Rachel it's right now.
She doesn't hear him. This may have been her final straw.
He leaves school about 10 min after he sees her leave and heads towards her house.
He has a feeling of what he's going to find but he knows he has to hurry.
He gets to her house and it's only her car in the driveway. Surprisingly her front door is unlocked and he slips easily into the house.
It's eerily silent.
The Berry house is never silent and he knows this from the few times he's been here in the past. There's always music or chatter from her dads or the tv is on. He looks around the rooms downstairs first to make sure she's not there. It's not until he gets into the kitchen that he realizes that he needs to find her right away.
There's a bottle of motrin on the counter open with some pills lying around all over the place. But it's not the regular motrin-it's some extra strength prescription shit that people only get when they have something really painful going on.
They're 800 mg each.
He drops the bottle and runs upstairs having this feeling she's in her room. When he gets there she's just lying there and he immediately checks if she's breathing. It's shallow and her mouth is open with drool coming out her mouth. He shakes her a little calling her name "Rachel you better fucking wake up I swear to God. Rachel? Rachel. Wake up."
She's limp and like a rag doll as he shakes her and he knows what he has to do.
The ambulance thankfully doesn't take too long.
When Rachel wakes up she doesn't remember anything about her sleep. She wakes up and for once she's not thinking about eggs, Finn, Beth, or Sunshine. She wakes up and feels nothing and it feels wonderful.
But why is she awake?
She sits up a little and her throat is dry. The room is dark but she realizes she's in a hospital by the sounds and beeps and not to mention the wires attached to her body. She's all alone. This is no surprise.
Her throat is too dry to call for someone and there's no water next to her bed. She's stuck with nothing to do and she doesn't know how long she's been asleep. She wonders if Finn has been here. If he brought Santana with him she might have to consider jumping out the window of wherever she is.
She decides to just go back to sleep.
This time when she wakes up it's too bright to even open her eyes. She hears daddy and another voice she doesn't recognize and decides to appear as if she's still asleep to see what they're saying.
"Is it normal that she's been asleep for over 24 hours now?"
"Her body needs to rest and adjust. From what you've told me she's had chronic insomnia for awhile now. And her therapist Dr. Rubenstein has also mentioned some weight loss she noticed and signs of depression based on what they've been discussing in their sessions lately. You need to think about what you want to do once she's discharged Mr. Berry. She has to stay for another 48 hours but suicide is a serious matter. We can have one of our psychiatrists come in and talk about options. She can go to a facility or-"
"No! No no no facilities. I can't institutionalize my baby. There just…there have to be other options."
"There are. And we'll discuss them. Let's go and we'll find Dr. Lincoln now to talk ok?"
"Can we find her friend before we do that? I don't want her to be alone if she wakes up."
"Of course let's go."
She hears the door open and close and the room is quiet once again. She opens her eyes, adjusting to the light and sits up looking around the room. She sees a bouquet of flowers sitting on a table on the other side and it's a mix of white and pink tulips. They're beautiful. Maybe Finn sent them…he knew how much she liked the two colors when they were together.
Maybe Finn came to see her…daddy did say there was a friend here for her.
She wonders what they'll say to each other when he comes in. His face will be full of remorse and longing and he'll sit on her bed and hold her hand. He'll look into her eyes and tell her how afraid he was that he lost her forever when he had her for only so little time. She'll tell him that's not possible because he's always had her and he always will. And he'll hold her face in his hands tenderly and they'll kiss. She'll get out of the hospital and he'll dump Santana and they'll be happy. And most importantly she'll know how to make him happy. She's going to make a better effort with the glee club and now that she and Finn could reconcile everyone could get along better. She'll throw out the animal sweaters and plaid skirts and buy a new wardrobe. This incident will make dad and daddy do anything for her for awhile. She'll even consider that boob job again. She'll consider anything if it makes her good enough for Finn.
Her thoughts are interrupted when the door opens and her heart skips beats, eager to see Finn's smiling face.
But it's not him. It's Puck.
He's still wearing the clothes she saw him in when she was in school. He looks surprised to see her awake. She doesn't know if she's happy to see him or not but she's just as surprised as he is to see him at the door.
"You're awake." He croaks out.
"I had to wake up sometime didn't I?" she manages to get out after a moment.
"Yeah well…I didn't think you would for a little while when I found you lying almost dead on your bed."
"You…you're the one who found me?"
He nods and proceeds to walk over to the chair by her bed and sits down. He seems restrained, like there's so much he wants to say but he shouldn't. Noah Puckerman never restrains himself.
"Noah I…I guess I should say thank you but.."
"You're stupid you know that?"
"Excuse me?"
"You don't want to thank me. You wanted to die Rachel. And it's stupid. Your life is not some clusterfuck. It's not. You think you want Finn but you don't Rachel…he's not worth it. You know he hasn't even been here? No one has been here to see you do you know that? I got a text from Artie asking how you were and he said he would spread the news. That's it. Those flowers over there were sent by my mother and I've fucking sat here for the past 24 hours watching you sleep and watch your dads run around here like chickens with their heads cut off because your stupid ass decided to off yourself. And for what? Because Shelby wanted a baby, my baby, and now you're left in the dust? Because Jesse fucked you over and lied to you? Because Finn is a douche and doesn't know what he wants and has continuously lied and hurt you since you met him?"
She doesn't know what part she started sobbing at but she can't stop crying and she doesn't know what to say. She wishes he would shut up and leave because it's easier to wallow in her self-pity when he isn't around. He thinks he knows things…and maybe he does. But she doesn't need to hear it. She needs…she…she doesn't even know anymore.
"I'm sorry," she gasps out, "I'm so sorry. I just-I just want them to love me. They're supposed to love me Noah. All I've ever done is want them to want me and they don't and I just-"
She can't talk anymore and the sobs are continuously wracking her body. She feels arms surround her and Noah's lips on her head. He rocks her back and forth shushing and whispering.
It's okay. It's going to be okay. They don't deserve your devotion Rachel they never have.
She makes a deal with her dads and the hospital psychiatrist to start getting treatment as long as it's not in some facility and also if her new therapist is not Dr. Rubenstein.
"But honey you've been with Dr. Rubenstein for years…I didn't know there was a problem."
"There is dad. She…she doesn't help. She only made it worse. I have to get better dad and she's not going to be the one to do it. Please?"
They agree to those 2 demands as long as she doesn't skip her treatment and if she goes on a mild dose of anti-depressants. She's completely against this but she owes it to her fathers to make some kind of effort. She meant it when she said that she can't live for them but they also don't deserve what she's doing to them. She's their baby, their only child…and even though Shelby, Finn, and Jesse don't want her, dad and daddy chose her. They went to great lengths to have her in their lives.
She's not too far gone to realize that if anything else her fathers love her.
Its been 3 days since she got home and she can't get out of bed because of the intense nausea and headaches she has from the medication. Her dads are letting her stay home from school for 2 weeks in order to regroup and start treatment in a couple days but she hasn't heard from anyone. They also took her phone to isolate her from everyone that is part of the problem by suggestion of the psychiatrist.
Apparently Noah told them a lot of things. And by a lot that means he told them that her break up with Finn was pretty rough and things at school just aren't too great.
She can't say she's mad at him for that. He's only trying to help and he's the only one besides her dads that seems to care about the state of her well being. He cared enough to follow her from school that day and made sure she didn't die.
She goes to sleep for a couple hours and when she wakes up her dad comes upstairs to ask if she wants to watch a movie with him and daddy. She says yes as long as it's The Sound of Music.
The three of them sit on the couch with Rachel in the middle, and it's the first time in awhile that she has spent time with her dads. She has been so concentrated on getting Finn back and being better for him that time with her dads didn't seem important. But with their arms around her, cuddling her close with their love she wonders how she could ever be away from this for so long. They all sing along to the songs and laugh at the their favorite parts and she wants to cry at the simplicity of something she's done so many times but is so significant. At one point her daddy kisses her hair and murmurs. "I love you so much sweetheart and I'm so glad you're home with us."
She tears a little at the gesture and is thankful that someone wants her while she's still there and not just if she's dead.
Dr. Damon is nothing at all like Dr. Rubenstein.
First of all he's a man. And he doesn't talk except to ask her questions. If he's not asking questions then he's repeating something she says for clarification. He doesn't tell her what she should be doing at this point and he doesn't try to tell her what she's feeling like Dr. Rubenstein did. He just listens and he wants to know her side of the story.
"And so I come to find out doctor that Finn and Santana had a tryst during the time that I was with Jesse. But you see he lied to me about it. He told me that he didn't have sex with her while I told him that I did have sex with Jesse even though I didn't. But I told him the truth Dr. Damon! I wanted him to have all of me and I wanted honesty so I knew I couldn't withhold the truth. But then I find out about the two of them and only because I made Santana mad that day and she decided to be a bitch and blurt it out in front of everyone. I could have lived with it maybe if he didn't seem to look at her so much. It's just…she's so pretty and she knows this and she used it to her advantage. Even before I cheated on him with Noah I saw the way they looked at each other. It may not have been love but it was lust and…he had already gotten what all boys want from her. Sex. So what does that say doctor?"
She hasn't talked this much since…she doesn't even know when. She used to talk all the time but there's never been anyone to listen lately.
"I don't know what that says Rachel. I'm going to let you ponder that until our session next week and we'll discuss. But before you go I want to give you a couple of recommendations. First of all when you go back to school next week I don't want you to go back to Glee Club."
"But Dr. Damon glee club is…it's my life and they need me-"
"Maybe they do Rachel but you need to get better before you can consider going back. I just don't think it would be healthy to throw yourself back into that activity so soon. I also want you to continue ignoring Finn. I know he may try and talk to you, see how you're doing, but I'm afraid that further involvement with the people who got you to this point in the first place will only hold back your progress."
She only nods. Dr. Damon is definitely different. He demands things of her.
Her dad wants to make her favorite vegan dish one night for dinner but of course he's missing a few key ingredients. She's getting stir crazy only being in the house and she only left once to go to her therapy session so she goes to the store to get the items for him.
It's been such a wonderful time in the Berry household and sometimes Rachel forgets that she even tried to kill herself. She forgets because in those moments when her dad is doing the twist around the kitchen while making pancakes that she wonders why she would ever do something like that when she has moments like these to live for.
She quickly walks into the grocery store with a basket, quickly getting what she needs and suddenly getting a craving for frozen yogurt. It would be a lovely treat after dinner and also a great sidepiece to watching The Wizard of Oz for the night. She wanders over to the frozen items aisle but freezes when she sees who is in front of the frozen vegetables.
Mrs. Hudson was always a lovely cordial woman, but she never spent a large amount of time in her presence. She imagines that if she did she would feel much more warm and happy to see her but she's rather indifferent. She just doesn't want this awkward moment on her hands when she's doing so well.
Carol finally looks up from her cart and sees Rachel, her jaw hanging open a little.
"Hello Mrs. Hudson. You're looking well. It's been quite awhile yes?"
Her stare is becoming unnerving and uncomfortable so she clears her throat a little in hopes that it breaks her trance so she can fill this silence.
"Oh um…yes yeah it…it has been awhile. Um. How are you Rachel are you doing…better?"
"Yes yes I'm doing much better now. I'm just out of school until next week and having assignments sent home so I can adjust again. And how is Burt? Kurt? And um…Finn how is he?"
"They're good. I'll let them know you asked about them. And Finn is good. He's very busy with sports and glee club and San-"
She catches herself before she finishes that sentence.
Rachel's breath hitches. He's still with her?
"I'm uh…Rachel I should let you know that he was very torn up when you were in the hospital. He feels responsible for what happened and…he tried…calling but your phone is turned off and your fathers aren't accepting visitors."
"Yes well…they think I should have some time to think and be alone before I return to school. And my therapist doesn't want me talking to a lot of people right now. Please tell Finn not to contact me anymore. I…I don't want to talk to him right now. Not even when I come back to school. Please Mrs. Hudson."
"Of course. If that's what you want."
"It's not. It's not what I want but…they think he's part of the problem. They may be right. Just please tell him to stay away. It was nice seeing you Mrs. Hudson, I hope the rest of your day is lovely."
With that she quickly makes her way down the aisle forgetting all about the frozen yogurt. She's going to sleep early tonight.
The morning she goes back to school she's in front of her closet, in her underwear, contemplating her wardrobe. At the rate she's going she'll get to school late. She hasn't gotten back into her morning routine. Her psychiatrist requested that the elliptical be taken out of the house for the time being anyway. She doesn't need to lose anymore weight.
She wonders if she should just wear jeans in order to avoid everyone's attention because if she wears her usual clothes they will look at her like she's a zoo animal and she doesn't want that. For once she does not want a spotlight on her.
There's a knock on her door and she figures it's daddy telling her to hurry up. Maybe he can help her pick out a blouse…he was always the fashion forward parent so she yells for him to come in.
The door opens and she hears a voice that's not her daddy. It's Noah.
"Uh…not your daddy Berry. Although you calling me daddy is kinda hot for some reason."
She laughs a little at the innuendo. He would say that. She's aware that she's in her underwear in front of Noah Puckerman but she can't bring herself to care that much. The guy has seen her on the verge of death…it's safe to say that he's seen it all when it comes to her.
"What are you doing here Noah?"
"Taking you to school. Your dads wanted someone who uh…understood the situation to be around. I don't think you want to be alone when you walk into the lion's den."
She nods. "You're right. Thank you Noah that's very nice of you."
"Yeah well there obviously perks…like getting to see you in your underwear. So what's up what are you going to wear?"
"I…I don't know. I'm thinking a pair of jeans and-"
"No. No jeans Berry it's criminal to hide those legs! Why don't I just pick something and get this over with?"
Without getting an answer from her he goes to her closet and begins perusing through her clothes. He makes different sounds, whether they're tuts of disapproval or hms that indicate he found something interesting. Finally he pulls out a black skirt and a pink cardigan and sets them on her bed.
"I don't know why but…that outfit always looked nice on you so go with that huh."
"But…um…but I thought my clothes looked terrible on me? The animal sweaters and the skirts? People always made fun of them."
"Berry…did you ever notice that both times you changed your style for Finn I didn't say a word to you about it? I didn't compliment you or anything. Did you notice that?"
"Um…I think so but I-"
"It's because I knew that wasn't you and I didn't wanna encourage it. I like your skirts and animal sweaters. Who are you if you're not wearing them? You're not Rachel Berry. I'm gonna go downstairs and wait for you. Your dad said he had breakfast going and I'm kind of hungry."
Without a word he slipped out the door and left her bewildered and confused.
She puts on the outfit with a smile.