Authors Note: First of all everyone happy new year! I hope 2011 brings great things for everyone! I decided that this story is probably going more long term than i expected so I'm going to stop saying this is the last part and such. Because really I don't know at this point. I'll know when I get there and therefore you'll all know too. But I hope you're enjoying it. Please keep leaving feedback! It's extremely helpful and appreciated. Onto chapter 3!

Disclaimer: We all know I don't own glee let's be real...

When they get to school Puck advises her to just walk to her locker without looking at anyone.

"Everyones got their theories on why you did it but don't let that get to you. If you look at them or cry or something they'll just think you're crazy."

He's probably right. And everyone has probably figured out by now that she did all this because of Finn. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out but they don't know the whole story and never will.

She walks straight to her locker with Puck in tow and her head held high. In some ways this is reminiscent of how she used to walk down the hall every day.

When she gets to her locker she quickly takes out books she needs and figures out notebooks and the like. Puck just leans against the locker next to her and doesn't say anything. She can see from the corner of his eye that he's giving people looks and that's probably because they're staring at her. At one point she sees him tense and his face darken. When she looks in the direction of his gaze she sees Finn walking towards her…along with Santana.

If there was ever a time she wanted the ground to swallow her up, it was now. Her face reddened at Santana's curious stare and she could only imagine what the Latina would have to say about her. Why did Finn have to come talk to her with Santana? She needed to get him alone, see what he was feeling. He obviously cared about her if he was as torn up as Carole said he was, and that meant they still had a chance.

But she had to ignore him. It was easier to say that to Carole than to actually say it to him. She could never resist Finn, because all she had to do was look into his puppy dog eyes and she would do anything that he asked. Anything.

She moved her gaze from Santana and looked into Finn's eyes that were also concentrated on her. He gave her a small smile, and it was the first one she'd seen directed at her in months. Her belly stirred and all she wanted was to hug him and feel his tall body around her again.

But the staring contest is interrupted by Puck blocking her way.

"You need to step away Hudson and Lopez. Now."

The two of them stop, a little surprised to see Puck in the same space as her. They probably should be surprised, but she honestly isn't.

"Um. I don't think that's your decision to make Puck. I want to talk to Rachel and I'm sure she wants to talk to me."

"Maybe she does Hudson but she's under doctor's orders to stay away from your ass."

"Why is everyone saying that? Why would Rachel's doctor tell her to stay away from me? I mean, let's be honest she's the one that hurt me…and you helped her! So shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"God are you that much of a self-righteous asshole that you're still trying to make her look like the bad guy? That's why you're staying away from her. You're one of the reasons she's like this in the first place, because you make her feel like shit Hudson. Why do you think she cheated on you huh? And what about Quinn? Funny that both your girlfriends had such low self-esteems around you but were so willing to come to me because I paid a little attention to them and gave them some compliments. What does that say about you Hudson…maybe that you're a shit boyfriend hm?"

By now Finn had stepped away from Santana and was nose to nose with Puck. The tension in their stares was electrifying and Rachel knew that if she didn't step in there would be a massive fight in this hallway. She closed her locker and nudged her way in between the two boys facing Finn.

"He's…he's right Finn I'm not supposed to talk to you right now. And…I'd appreciate it if you respected that."

He seemed surprised at what she was saying and honestly she was surprised too. But she couldn't have them fighting because of her.

She thought he was going to fight her on this, but he just shook his head and charged away with Santana hurrying after him.

She sighed with relief, glad that conflict was avoided for now. She turned around to face Puck again who was still staring off at Finn's retreating back with a dark glint in his eyes.

"Noah I…thank you for trying but…I really can't handle anything else so I would appreciate if you kept your distance from me today too. I just want to be alone. I'll see you when schools over for a ride home."

She can tell he wants to fight her on this too, but he can tell how emotionally exhausted she is already and leaves her with a nod.

She's used to being alone anyway. Trying to kill herself shouldn't really change that.

She's supposed to go to Spanish for 5th period…

She skips and hides out in the girl's bathroom. The stall with the most graphic pictures of her is more interesting than usual today.

Lunch doesn't fare well for her either but she expects this. This is her life, she is Rachel Berry so when have things ever gone her way?

She sees a few of the glee kids sitting at a table together and a year ago she would have been surprised at the group. Quinn, Tina, Mercedes, and Artie are sitting together laughing and talking without a care in the world. Quinn is looking beautiful as ever in her Cheerios uniform and it seems she and Tina have become more buddy buddy in the past few months. She doesn't know when that happened since she's so isolated from the rest of them.

She waits in line for some food and makes eye contact with Artie from across the room. He gives her a nod and a small smile and this smile feels more heartwarming than the one from Finn. At least she doesn't have any romantic history with Artie like she does with Finn and Puck. Artie doesn't owe her anything and doesn't have to be nice to her.

He quickly goes back to whatever Mercedes is saying to him and laughs. It's not like any of this means something. She has to remember that.

She's exhausted by the end of the day and just wants to spend the rest of it asleep in her bed. In some ways her bed is her happy place and now that she's taking this medication and also some sleeping pills for when it gets bad, sleep isn't her enemy anymore. She wishes she could sleep all the time so she could avoid all of this because it's so hard. It's so hard to find a way to be happy again outside of her bed, room, and house. It's so hard to try with Finn, Puck, and the rest of McKinley High and she wishes she didn't have to do it anymore.

She walks out of the main doors and ignores the whispers and stares that people have been giving her all day. She sees Puck waiting at his truck texting on his phone and she makes her way over to him quickly just wanting to get these pleasantries over with already.

It seems he senses her presence before she can announce herself because he stops texting and looks up when she's only a couple feet away. He gives her a small smile and opens the passenger seat of the truck and gestures for her to get inside. They exchange no looks and don't even really look at each other.

The drive home is mostly silent except for the music on the radio. She's grateful that he decided to acquiesce to her wishes and not talk to her very much. Things are much easier when Puck isn't going around inserting his opinions on situations, which he's been doing much more since she woke up. It's probably because he's pissed and scarred for life after finding her on the brink of death.

If he's trying to make life easier for her then it isn't working very well. It would be better if he just stopped talking all together like he used to.

When they arrive at her house she gathers up her bookbag and gives him a grateful smile.

"Thank you for the ride Noah. I'll be able to drive myself to school from now on so…I'll see you around at school."

"But-"

"Goodbye Noah. Have a good rest of the day."

With that she rushes out of the car and up her driveway. Her dads aren't home and she's surprised because one of them has always been home since she got out the hospital. Apparently they trust her more or they hid everything she could use in order to do some damage.

She slowly drags herself up to her room and feels the tiredness ebbing away at her. She doesn't even bother getting under her blankets and passes out on her bed in peace.

The next few days at school are a blur and tired mess. She avoids going to Spanish class completely and she's considering asking if she can just drop it. She either hides in the girl's bathroom or goes to the nurse's office to fake a headache.

She's also seen some of the glee kids around. Quinn acts as if she doesn't even see her and she's kind of grateful for that because she could be a huge bitch if she wanted to be and she can't handle that at all right now. There's not much to be said for the others except for small looks and smiles but Brittany came up to her and gave her a hug. Then again it's Brittany and she'd hug a tree if she thought it blinked at her. That doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate it though. She appreciates it so much that she cries in the bathroom for 10 minutes before she goes to class.

It figures that the only person who decides to be nice to her in any way still believes in Santa Claus. God bless her anyway.

She never sees Santana or Finn so she keeps her promise to ignore the people that are most "toxic" to her life. But she does see Noah sometimes. He watches after her, but he never talks to her and it goes back to the way it was before she killed herself. She likes it better this way, having a silent friend and protector, someone who understands.

Dr. Damon doesn't waste time.

"Rachel let's talk about…Finn. I assume you've seen him this week right? Have you ignored him as I advised?"

"Yes I have actually. He tried talking to me once but I asked him not to for awhile so…yeah."

"Ok. That's good. So I want to know more about…you and Finn. Conversations you two have had. For example tell me what would happen whenever he said he loved you or liked you?"

"Oh well…I'm always really surprised when Finn expresses his affection for me. I mean sometimes I feel like he doesn't do it very often so I feel kind of…lucky and privileged you know? That despite how annoying and abrasive I am he even gave me the time of day-"

"Has he ever said that?"

"Said what?"

"That you're annoying."

"Um…well…he has pointed out some of my not so great qualities before but…like the time I sent Sunshine Corazon to that crackhouse! He was completely right in telling me how wrong I was but…he said he loved me anyway. Even though I was crazy for doing that."

Dr. Damon looks at her pensively and she keeps expecting him to outright say what he thinks…but he doesn't.

"Why did you send Sunshine to that crackhouse Rachel?"

"I…I don't know. She was just so talented and I thought…I thought she would be a threat."

"To you?"

"Well…sure. But to everyone! Everyone complained all the time about never getting solos and having Sunshine around would only make it worse. There's only room for one strong female lead."

She stops herself once she says that and really thinks about it.

Dr. Damon notices. "Think about what you just said Rachel. Why does there have to be one strong female lead? Why can't there be two? Did her talent really threaten you that much?"

She could only nod at this. Sunshine had such a big voice and massive amounts of potential. But that wasn't the problem…people liked her because she was cute and small and compact just like Rachel but she didn't have the same annoying qualities that she did.

"How about this. I know your career goals and musical ability were very important to you before things got sour. I think that's great that you have goals and that you were so confident in your abilities. Because you're very talented Rachel and your voice is beautiful. I've heard it. But I want to know something else about you. Tell me another great quality about yourself or another hobby…anything?"

This is a question that doesn't come up very often. Which is probably why she can't think of anything to say.

So she's silent and pondering for a good minute.

"I…I can't think of anything. I can't think of a single good thing to say about myself other than I have an incredible voice. But I…I used to be ambitious I think. I used to care about going to voice lessons and acting workshops in order to prepare for Julliard, NYU, Broadway but I haven't thought about any of those things in so long. What does that mean?"

"Do you think if you lost your voice you would be able to…contribute something else meaningful to the world?"

"I've had that happen before. I got laryngitis once and I thought I would have to get my tonsils taken out and that it would completely ruin my voice and I was so scared Dr. Damon. I didn't know how to function. Finn introduced me to this boy who is a paraplegic and he really helped shed some light that my voice isn't the only thing to contribute to this world… but I don't know that. I think I would be completely invisible to this world if I didn't have such a big voice to sing with."

"Do you think boys like Finn or Jesse would have noticed you if you couldn't sing Rachel?"

"No. What would I have in common with them if I didn't?"

He doesn't answer her question but instead stares at her for a minute. She looks around the room nervously, avoiding his gaze and looks at the many pictures and awards adorning his walls. Apparently Dr. Damon is a good doctor.

"Your dad tells me you can bake…is that true?"

"Well…yes. I mostly bake cookies but I've tried other things before-"

"I want you to bake this week. You used to bake cookies all the time so I want you to do that. Try cupcakes. Look up some recipes."

"Ok? Why do you want me to bake doctor?"

"Because you need to learn that you're good at other things Rachel. You're not just a singer. You are more than a song you sing at a Sectionals competition."

She wants to deny that and say that at this point the greatest thing she has ever done is belt out Don't Rain on My Parade on the fly but she decides not to argue with him and just do what he says.

"Ok. Maybe I'll bring some next week…what's your favorite kind of cake?"

"Red velvet. Red velvet with cream cheese frosting. I'll see you next week Rachel."

The next day she goes to the grocery store to get a few essentials. She has most of the ingredients that are listed on her research, but she's missing some red food coloring and buttermilk.

As she's mixing the butter, sugar, and eggs together she remembers how calming the act of baking always was for her. Whenever she made her I'm sorry cookies she was able to channel all the guilt she felt into the cookies and it was like therapy.

When she's completely done with the batter she goes to look for some white vinegar, but she can't find it anywhere.

It figures that they don't have any in the house.

Maybe it doesn't matter. Who puts vinegar in a cake anyway?

When she takes the cupcakes out and takes a bite of one, she knows they're good but it's missing something about it. It's probably the vinegar.

She calls her daddy and asks him to bring it home for her. She's determined to perfect these cupcakes.

While she waits she begins making the cream cheese frosting. It's when she's mixing the butter and cream cheese that she realizes that she hasn't thought about Finn, Jesse, Shelby, or anything else that has caused her stress since she started this baking process.

When she's completely done she takes a swipe of the frosting and it tastes like heaven. She's proud that she has made something so euphoric out of such simple ingredients. This is different than how it is with singing. She's singing other people's songs and competing with their originality. But this frosting was made completely by her.

She walks out of the room for a little so she doesn't eat the entire bowl.

When she goes to school the next day she has a few red velvet cupcakes on a plate and walks up to Puck's locker. He's busy getting things out of his locker while Artie talks to him about God knows what. She falters in her step, worrying about talking to him when someone from New Directions is so near, but she remembers that Artie really isn't all that bad. When she gets to them Artie stops talking and Puck looks at her surprised but gives her a smile and a "Sup Rach?"

"Hello Noah and Artie. I just wanted to give you some of the cupcakes that I made last night. There are so many in my house and dad and daddy can only eat so much so I'm hoping you'll take them off my hands."

Puck scoffs and says, "Rach you're offering me food. Of course I'll take it off your hands!" He takes the plate from her and picks up a cupcake. Once he peels the wrapping liner off he takes a bite and lets out a moan of satisfaction.

"Fuck Rach this is awesome. Artie you have to try one." He brings the plate down to Artie's level and he gingerly takes a cupcake with a smile directed to Rachel. He takes a bite himself and lets out a moan that is similar to Puck's.

"Oh my…Rachel this cream cheese frosting is dope! It's like…it's in my teeth and it's staying there. I don't even want to brush my teeth later!"

They laugh at his exaggerated praise.

"Seriously Rachel this is great. I didn't know you baked so well. I mean I've seen your cookies but I didn't know it extended to other stuff."

"Yeah...I guess I'm trying something new you know? Thank you for the compliment Artie."

Puck takes the other two cupcakes on the plate and puts them on the top shelf of his locker while handing her the plate. "You know Berry…you should bake stuff when you go to your Broadway auditions. Bribe them a little. Crazy good voice and a fucking Betty Crocker? You'd be a shoo in."

Artie nods his head in agreement and her heart warms at the sentiment. This feeling really is different from singing.

The office won't allow her to drop Spanish class this late in the year. Therefore she has to show up today. They let it slide for the past week because they knew of her situation but the kiddie gloves are off now and Rachel has to get back to the real world.

She makes sure to take her time getting her things so that she walks into class at the last possible moment. When she walks in, she rushes past everyone to the back of the class with her head down and books held against her chest. She can feel the stares but there's one in particular that is most unnerving. The class is mostly quiet and she glances up to see that Mr. Schuester is mostly staring at her instead of teaching the class. She immediately puts her head back down and proceeds to open up her notebook and get her writing supplies out.

Eventually he decides to actually talk.

"Buenos dias clase! Como estas?" (Good morning class! How are you?) he says in his usual enthusiastic manner. She cringes mostly because she knows how fake his enthusiasm is for anything that doesn't involve the glee club. She wonders how Mr. Schue even became a Spanish teacher.

She cancels out the noise occurring around her from various students talking to Mr. Schue in Spanish. It isn't until she feels a presence in front of her that she notices he's in front of her desk with his arms crossed and his eyebrows raised.

He's actually wearing a nice tie today. She should tell him that.

"Rachel…que escucha?" he asks her evenly. (Rachel are you listening?)

She sits up straight and looks up at him head on. "Si Senor. Lo siento pero estoy cansada." (Yes sir. I'm sorry but I'm tired.)

He nods and even though he wants to call bullshit…he doesn't. "Como se siente Rachel? Le perdimos en clase." (How are you feeling Rachel? We missed you in class.)

She wants to call bullshit on him too. He didn't miss her. They both know this. "Me siento mejor. Gracias por preguntar senor." (I'm feeling better. Thank you for asking.)

With that she reaches for her book in order to make a point of ending the conversation. She went through the rest of the class, barely listening and staring blankly at her textbook, but thankfully Mr. Schue doesn't call on her and leaves her alone…until the bell rings that is.

She scrambles to get her things together so that she can get out before he can get to her but in the midst of the students leaving he's already spotted her. "Rachel can I have a word before you leave?" She knows she's stuck so she watches as the rest of the class leaves quickly to their next class.

Once the last kid is out, she walks up to the front of the room and waits for him to speak. He's busy putting a couple things in drawers of his desk but once he's done he gives her another fake smile.

"Rachel, it's really great to have you back. I noticed you haven't been in glee club lately? When should we expect you back?"

She raises her eyebrows at his nonchalant rapport with her as if nothing out of the ordinary has occurred in the past few weeks. It's not as if she got the stomach flu and was deathly ill for a couple days. She wasn't sick.

She tried to kill herself.

And he's asking her to come to glee club like it's no big deal? She…she can't with him. She really really can't. She's already exhausted from overthinking this conversation and just wants to go home and sleep this off.

"Mr. Schue I…I'm not ready to come back to glee club. I'm going through a lot right now obviously and I need to figure that out before I can come back."

"But I would think being part of glee club would help you Rachel. Everyone misses you-"

"No they don't they miss my voice. A voice you all haven't let me use for a long time now. Regionals is coming up right? Good luck. I really hope you guys are prepared but I can't help you. I have to help myself right now so that I don't swallow a whole bottle of pills again and give my fathers heart attacks. Have a good day Mr. Schue."

She leaves without letting him have the last word and she's a little proud of herself for that display.

Over the next few days she makes a few more concoctions to the annoyance of her fathers. It's not that they're not happy to see her put effort into something for the first time in a long time, but at this rate they're all going to get diabetes.

So she starts baking smaller proportions and takes most of the goods to her neighbors. They always seem surprised and overwhelmed to see her at their doorstep with cupcakes or a cheesecake but they're gracious and nice to her like they always have been. They know what happened but they don't treat her any differently. But they enjoy what she gives them and they tell her so when they see her outside the house going to or from school. Mrs. Fallon even mentions that she should help her out for the senior center bake sale coming up.

It's nice to feel wanted for more than her voice.

She still brings Artie and Puck some of her creations and enjoys hearing their feedback. Artie continues to make exaggerated comments but she appreciates the friendly spirit that comes with it. Puck says he wants her to bake the banana peanut butter cupcakes for his birthday because "You're a fucking genius for thinking to put chocolate icing in the middle of this thing and peanut butter frosting on top. Seriously Berry why haven't you been baking your whole life?"

She laughs and knows assuredly that she completed her assignment for therapy with 110% effort and success this week. Hopefully Dr. Damon likes the red velvet.

He does like it. In fact he spends the first 10 minutes of their session gushing about how good they are and offering the other few she gave him to his secretary and other people in the office. They proceeded to exclaim about how good it was.

She's blushing the entire time, mumbling thank yous and what not. She doesn't know why she's so embarrassed but she forgot what it's like to be under the spotlight have constant adoration and praise put on you.

It's a nice feeling but it's also foreign to her now. The only praise she ever got was for when she sang and she hasn't really done that since before Sectionals and Christmas.

When the excitement dies down she and Dr. Damon return to his office and get situated.

"Once again Rachel thank you for those cupcakes. They were phenomenal. I think you've found a new talent in baking. Is that the only thing you baked this week?"

"No I actually…I liked baking the red velvet so much that I've baked a lot this week. Cheesecake, cookies, more cupcakes. My dads were so sick of it that they begged me to just give it away to all the neighbors."

"That's great. So I take it you really liked it?"

"Yeah I really did…it's a very different feeling from when I used to sing you know? I think because the baking is such a tangible product for me to give people and make them feel good with. I've always loved singing and the effect it has on people but this is great too."

Dr. Damon nods at her with a smile as if he understands what she's saying as well. This is why she's glad she dropped Dr. Rubenstein.

"Ok Rachel so moving on let's discuss some other things. How have you been this week? In general?"

"Pretty ok. I haven't seen Finn so that's been peaceful. And Mr. Schue asked me to come back to glee club but I told him no. Other than that it was just a lot of baking."

"Ok. So I'm wondering if we can discuss Jesse today."

She looks at him with surprise because she didn't think they would touch on the subject of Jesse so soon.

"I um…why…why Jesse?"

"Rachel, he was your first long term relationship and it didn't end very well. You have to have some feelings on it right?"

She did. That didn't mean she liked to think about them. She really tried to not think about Jesse at all.