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Rated M for language, sexuality, graphic violence.

"yet from those flames No light, but rather darkness visible"

- John Milton, "Paradise Lost," bk. I, l. 62-63

Chapter 3 – Darkness Visible

JPOV

I sought out Peter the minute I returned. His eyes widened in concern as I entered his room. I'm sure I was broadcasting my inner turmoil to everyone within range. He stood up and approached me then wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. I allowed myself to relax into him for a moment, but he wasn't having his usual calming effect.

I pulled back a bit to look him in the eyes. The concern was still there and… something else. I shut my eyes, not wanting to see it. I didn't want to sense Peter's feelings for me. Whatever they were, I would be unable to return them. I was a monster, unworthy of his affections. I tried once again to shut down my emotions. I didn't want to feel Peter, let alone my own anger and frustration. My self loathing. I just wanted to escape it all, for just one day. To not feel anything for only a day.

For even an hour.

In desperation I crushed my lips to Peter's and pressed into him, backing him against the wall. I could feel his surprise, but it didn't last long before it turned into a heated desire. His lips parted and I thrust my tongue inside his mouth, feeling his own sliding against it. His hands were on my clothes, urgent and impatient, pulling my shirt away from my body, undoing the belt from my pants so he could feel my hard flesh and touch my skin.

I pushed my hips into him and he moaned as my hardened cock pressed into his own. I felt a thrill at his reaction. Peter was always so incredibly responsive to me. He made it easy for me to lose myself in the physical sensations his body against mine could bring. I helped him remove the last of our clothing and I looked at his strong beautiful form, his chest heaving as he panted in desire.

I attacked his lips again, wrapping my arms around his body and using my hands to grip his ass and pull him closer to me. We both groaned at the movement. I placed open mouthed kisses on his jaw, up his neck to his ear and bit gently on the lobe, running my tongue around the shell. In a husky voice I informed him, "I'm going to take you hard and fast. I need this Peter. Please."

He nodded in acquiescence, answering, "Anything. Anything you want," and I spun him so that he faced the wall. I reached around his back and grabbed his forearms, lifting them up while bending him over so that he was braced against the wall. I kicked one of his legs wider and leaned down to scrape my teeth against his ass, I kneaded his buttocks with my fingers while my tongue slid down his crack and prodded his puckered flesh. I dipped my tongue in as deep as I could go and his back arched in response as his breathing picked up.

I removed my mouth from his ass and without hesitation I grasped my aching cock in my hand and directed it to his opening, plunging it in with one deep stroke. I cried out at the sensation and bent over him, my stomach and chest against his back, my arms around his middle. I held myself there for a moment, acclimating myself to the exquisite pleasure before I started to move.

I pulled out slowly, feeling his tight flesh surrounding me, embracing my length then I plunged back in hard and deep. He grunted and I pulled out and slammed into him again, gradually increasing my pace. I was lost in waves of pleasure, in Peter's answering bliss, our desire so intense it was almost as if the room was swathed in a tangible haze.

My arms were wrapped around his chest, my mouth open against his shoulder, panting as I thrust into him again and again. I could feel him stroking his erection as he pushed back against me. His body stiffened and I felt him release as he moaned my name. His tensing muscles around my cock pushed me over the edge and I pulsed into him, tightening my arms around him, my strangled cry buried in his shoulder.

We stayed connected while we came down from our pleasurable heights. My face was pressed against his back and I felt him reach his hands up to cover my arms with his own. Without being able to stop it, his affection and returning concern began creeping into my consciousness through our sated daze.

I stiffened and gently untangled his arms from mine as I pulled out of him and stood upright. I could feel his disappointment as he sensed me pulling away from him. I felt a twinge of guilt for using him like this, no matter how willing he seemed.

In many ways, Peter's relationship with me mirrored mine with Maria. I had worshipped the ground she walked on for years. I took Peter under my wing when he was first turned, much as Maria had done for me, helping him channel his blood lust and giving him an outlet for the sexual arousal that feeding or fighting engendered. He was so responsive and giving that I found myself almost preferring his company to Maria's after a while, although the times spent with the three of us together were incomparable.

He was tall and smooth and beautiful with kind eyes and a ready smile. I felt myself drawn to his gentle demeanor. When he showed an aptitude for calming the newborns and keeping the peace, I began to train him in earnest and teach him fighting strategies far beyond what I taught the rest of the soldiers. He had a quick mind and picked up everything I showed him with ease. I was able to convince Maria that he was far too valuable an asset to dispose of after the first year.

I did care about Peter. Beyond the physical release he provided me so willingly. Beyond our bond as fellow soldiers. I hated that I couldn't be more for him, but I was simply unable. My heart had turned to stone long ago.

I faced Peter and said, "I'm sorry," as I turned to leave.

He grabbed my arm to stop me. "Wait, Jasper. Stay. You don't have anything to be sorry for. Whatever you need, I'm happy to give it to you."

"But what about what you need?" I asked him, looking at him questioningly.

"I have enough," he answered. I couldn't tell if he was lying.

"Besides," he continued, "it's not the same for me. I know your gift can make things difficult for you. I don't mind being your escape. I like that you come to me to help you feel better. Believe me, I wasn't suffering just now." With that he winked at me and I barked a short laugh.

And I did feel better. When Peter heard me laugh, I could feel the happiness radiating from him. For just a moment, it was enough for me too.

I knew I couldn't put off seeing Maria any longer, so I went to find her. She was in her bedroom brushing her long dark hair. She didn't look up as I entered the room, but I could sense her irritation. I knew she'd be able to smell Peter on me and would not like it that I had gone to see him before finding her.

"You're home," she said, still facing away from me.

"I'm back," I responded. I leaned over to kiss her neck, and spoke softly in her ear, "I'm sorry I was away so long."

She appeared mollified and simply nodded hear head, continuing with her brushing.

"I know I promised you that I'd let Peter handle things for a while, but I've heard rumblings that Ramon is, indeed, planning a move from the west. I know you just got back, but I'd like you to go on a scouting mission to see if you can find out what we're up against. Take two of the older soldiers with you and cull them from our forces while you're gone. It will be a good opportunity to hone our strength without alerting any of the others."

I nodded. "How soon would you like me to leave?" I asked.

"As soon as you can," she answered. "I don't want to be taken by surprise."

She stood up then, and took my hands in her own. She looked up at me, a fervent expression on her face. "You see, Jasper? If we relax our vigilance for even a minute, someone will be waiting. They'll step right in to destroy us if they sense the slightest weakness. I've seen it before and I will not go through that again." Her voice grew stronger, "I will not watch our enemies destroy those I hold dear. I will not let them take my home away from me again."

I could feel she believed what she said and for a moment I remembered how infatuated I had been with the persuasive and passionate leader and how willingly and unquestioningly I had followed her for decades. She didn't deserve my disloyal thoughts; she didn't deserve my lack of faith.

I was a soldier, first and foremost. "I won't let you down," I told her, squeezing her hands.

I went to find Peter again. He was with the soldiers, again with the female with the brown curls and the short stocky male. I motioned for him to join me.

"I'm leaving again," I told him. "Maria needs me to check out a threat from the west."

He nodded in understanding. "Yes, Ramon may be trouble in the near future. I'm not surprised Maria is making preparations."

"She wants me to take two of the older soldiers with me," I informed Peter. From his expression, I knew he understood what I meant.

"I know how you feel about Maria's methods. I'll choose if you're not up for it," I offered.

He glanced back to where he had previously been standing. The two young vampires were still there waiting for him.

"No," he replied. "I'll make the selection. You shouldn't have to bear all the heavy burdens."

In truth it mattered little to me. Peter was the only newborn I had ever taken an extended interest in. The rest were with us for so little time that I barely bothered to ask their names any more. I found it easier to simply manipulate their emotions to ensure their loyalty than to earn it honestly.

Feeling Peter's deep sadness at the task before him made me feel once again like a monster. I couldn't wait to get away.

"I'll be leaving shortly," I told him. "Send them to me when you're ready."

"I will," Peter acknowledged. Then he gave me one of his penetrating looks, as if he understood me better than I understood myself. "Be safe, Jasper," he said softly.

We traveled for 2 days west until we came across the scent of an unfamiliar vampire. We tracked him easily and subdued him without effort, as we numbered three against one.

I felt his defiance and fear as the two soldiers I traveled with held him for my inspection. I sent a wave of calm and trust in his direction, erasing his fear. He relaxed and stopped his struggles against his captors.

"Let him go," I instructed my soldiers. They did as I directed and the vampire stood warily facing me, undecided as to his next action.

"Fear not," I told him. "We mean you no harm. We are just passing through, seeking safe passage to the west. We've managed to travel through Maria's territory undetected, but we are uncertain what awaits us farther west. If you can tell us what we need, we will leave you unharmed."

Sincerity radiated from me. I could feel him debating whether to trust me or not.

"If I tell you what you need, will you give me information in return?" he bartered.

"That depends," I responded. "What kind of information are you looking for?"

He hesitated as if weighing the wisdom of revealing anything to me, but I sensed when his decision was made. He was choosing to trust me. I smiled inwardly in satisfaction.

He, of course, was on a reconnaissance mission for Ramon, seeking information on Maria's forces—how many we numbered, where we were currently located. I gave him enough to convince him of our sincerity then he willingly told us everything we wanted.

Ramon numbered fourteen strong—thirteen after this conversation ended. He was preparing a surprise attack in two week's time, hoping to cripple Maria's forces. Ramon knew he didn't have the numbers to challenge Maria outright. They were planning to focus on taking out either Maria herself, or her right hand man, a vampire rumored to have special powers. They would stage a diversionary attack from the southwest to lure Maria's army from her home base.

Once I was satisfied I had all the information this vampire possessed, I turned to my soldiers and commanded, "Take care of him please."

The vampire's face registered shock and I felt his fear before my soldiers tore him from limb to limb, his furious screams echoing through the night.

"Well done," I said, praising my soldiers, letting them feel my approval. I directed one to the copse of trees nearby and asked him to gather up some wood, so we could dispose of the body. The other I asked to stay with me to help gather the remains. As soon as the first was out of sight, I turned to the second, saying, "Thank you for your service," before tearing his head from his shoulders. It happened so fast, he barely had time to register my actions and the only emotion I felt from him was a flicker of surprise.

I dismembered him quickly then left him there to follow the first soldier into the trees. He looked up when I approached and my expression must have given away my intent because he dropped the branches he was carrying and started to run. Emotions poured forth from him and I was bathed in his anger, betrayal and fear. I caught up with him easily and grasped his head between my hands, preparing to end him. My mouth began to form the usual words of gratitude when I was caught in his gaze, his accusatory stare piercing through me.

I faltered for a second then reacted with rage, ripping his head from his body with an angry roar, rending him to pieces and flinging his limbs far and wide.

I gathered the wood that had been dropped and headed back to where I had left Ramon's scout and my soldier. When I had a fire burning, I disposed of their bodies, making sure I gathered every last piece of their flesh. I went back to the woods to retrieve the third body, securing the scattered limbs. I carried it to the fire, the soldier's head facing away from me.

Although I moved methodically and mechanically, I was shaken. The eyes were blood red, but the look they gave was familiar to me; it was the same expression that had haunted me for days.

I watched the fire consume the body of the last soldier, the sickly sweet smoke rising in a thick column up into the sky. I didn't leave until I ensured every last speck of his flesh had been turned to bitter ash.

#####

Ramon's forces attacked from the southwest, just as the vampire had said they would. Instead of surprising us and coming upon us with lowered defenses, he found us prepared and ready, our soldiers' emotions already whipped into a killing frenzy.

That didn't stop me from being the main target, however. I was besieged by his fighters, attacked from all sides, all of them intent on destroying me. My decades of fighting took over and I acted on instinct, ripping limbs from bodies, tearing through flesh with my teeth, a whirling dervish of pain, dealing devastation and ruin, obliterating anything in my path.

The newborns were stronger than I, but they were unskilled, clumsy in their approach. They were no match for the monster they faced, a malevolent demon intent on annihilation. Teeth pierced my skin, but I didn't feel it. I only felt hatred and rage, my evil nature overriding any conscious thought as I systematically exterminated any who dared threaten me.

Eventually, I was free from attack and became aware of my surroundings. Around me the battles were waning; only scattered skirmishes remained. The fires were beginning to burn. I looked down at the havoc around my feet and began the final disposal of my adversaries. As I threw the remains on the pyre, I saw Peter nearby doing the same, his eyes dark and dangerous, brown hair wild and disheveled, the muscles of his back sinuously rippling as he tossed a torso into the fire, an avenging angel bright and beautiful in the midst of bedlam.

I felt Maria's eyes on me and looked to see her staring at me in desire, a similar image reflected in her black eyes. I could feel her wonder, her appreciation of my muscled form glowing in the firelight, the flickering flames causing shadows to dance across my body like amorous caresses, a halo of golden curls above my head. But stronger than any emotion, I could feel her burning lust. I let it pulse through me and shuddered in anticipation. Peter's head lifted in awareness and his eyes locked on mine. Without a word, Maria turned and began walking towards her tent. Peter and I stopped our efforts and followed noiselessly after her.

When the flaps of the tent closed behind us, the wreckage beyond was forgotten. We fell on each other immediately, clothes discarded in haste around us, lips and mouths and tongues and hands reaching and clutching, urgent and hungry.

I felt Maria's hand on my arousal as her teeth scraped across my nipple. Peter's tongue thrust into my mouth as his erection rubbed against my thigh. With one hand I grabbed the back of Peter's neck, holding his face to mine while my other hand palmed Maria's breast. Maria's tongue slid down my body as she abruptly took me in her mouth, engulfing my hard flesh with ravenous need. I moaned against Peter's lips. He pulled away to move behind me, wrapping his arms around my chest, squeezing my nipples between his thumbs and fingers and pressing his manhood against my rear. His mouth was on my shoulder, placing open wet kisses along my skin. His lips moved to my neck and his teeth bit first gently, then more roughly as he growled in my ear.

Maria moved up and down my length, her tongue swirling and caressing me as she bobbed her head. I reached my hands down to rest on the top of her head, twining my fingers through her hair. She purred in response and I felt the vibrations against my cock.

I was awash in sensation, pinned between the exquisite torture of Maria's mouth and the wall of steel that was Peter's taut form. As my hips thrust forward, my arousal plunged down Maria's throat, enclosed in a tight vacuum of slickness and silk; when I retreated from her mouth, scraping teeth drove me wild and I was assaulted anew as Peter's cock ground against my ass. I gripped Maria's hair tighter as I moved with more deliberate strokes, reveling in the feel of my cock fucking her mouth. When her hand reached up to cup my testicles and her fingers slid further back to brush my perineum, I almost came right then.

My hands fell from her head and I gripped her shoulders, fingers digging into her skin as I groaned in response. "Down on your knees," I commanded gruffly, pulling my cock from her mouth.

She immediately turned her back to me to lean forward on her elbows, ass in the air; my cock barely had time to miss its silken sheath before I plunged into her wet and swollen center. I plundered her roughly, gripping her hips tightly with my hands as I drove into her again and again. Peter moved to stand facing Maria and I grasped a handful of hair, jerking her head up and back so that her mouth was in line with his burgeoning cock.

"Take him in your mouth," I instructed, and she gasped in desire. Her tongue reached out to lick his tip then his length disappeared between her wet lips. She took him deep, her nose brushing against his soft brown curls. His grunts filled the air as his hips rocked rhythmically in pleasure. With each thrust I made into Maria's flesh, her own cries were added to the night. Our sounds were a cacophony of ecstasy, a savage concert of bestial delight.

I could feel Peter beginning to lose control before he pulled back, breathing deeply. "I want to taste you too," he declared to Maria, his eyes dark and stormy. I pulled out of her, noting her plaintive cry as our intimate connection was lost.

"Kneel over his face," I directed her, watching as Peter lay down on his back, eyes hungry and eager.

I spread his legs apart and knelt between them facing Maria as she placed one knee on either side of his head. His tongue reached out to taste her wet center and I caught her cry as my tongue pillaged her open mouth. My hands captured her breasts, rolling her nipples between my fingers as Peter's reached around her thighs and over his head to grasp her buttocks. I slid my hands down Maria's sides then around her back replacing Peter's hands with my own. He palmed the crack of her cheeks with one hand, pushing his thumb into the hole of her ass while he reached around her thigh with his other hand to plunge two fingers into her wetness, his tongue flicking her clit in time to my hips. My head dipped down to take one of Maria's nipples in my mouth, running my tongue around it in circles then biting gently with my teeth. Her head fell back and her wanton moans reverberated through the night.

I took my hands from Maria's ass then reached between Peter's thighs, stroking his cock. I moved one hand to his puckered opening and pressed my finger deep inside feeling his muscles tightening around me. I added a second finger, then a third, pumping them in and out. Peter lifted his knees bringing them up to his chest, his ass rising from the ground to give me better access. I removed my fingers and replaced them with my hard cock in one quick thrust. Peter grunted deeply into Maria's cunt.

I lost myself completely in the emotions swirling around me, letting them run through me, then out from me. There was no war, no battlefield, no death, no strife. There was only my cock enveloped in Peter's tight flesh, Maria's hands gripping my shoulders, my lips encasing her breast, Peter's mouth ravaging her center. I could feel Maria was close to climaxing. Her panting increased and her muscles tightened. I flicked her nipple with my tongue a few times then bit down hard as Peter did the same against her clit. Her long loud shuddering cry filled the air as tremors pulsed through her body, her muscles contracting again and again around Peter's fingers still deep within her. He groaned in response, his tongue lapping at her juices as she came all over his face.

I felt his cock, rock hard between us and picked up my pace, plunging harder and faster into him. Maria extracted herself from Peter's mouth and moved beside him, grasping his length in her small strong hand, encouraging him with throaty murmurs. His head fell back as Maria stroked him and his pelvis bucked up into my hips, his breathing harsh and labored. I felt his manhood twitch in release as guttural moans emitted from his chest. I let out a roar as my own release rushed through me and leaned over his body to sink my teeth into his shoulder as I came.

I ran my tongue from Peter's shoulder up his neck to his ear, licking the lobe and around the shell as I let out one last satisfied moan. Our bodies shuddered against one another for a few minutes before I pulled out from Peter's body and collapsed by his side, my head in Maria's lap. She stroked the hair on my forehead whispering carnal words of repletion in my ear.

As always, my escape from the world around me was short-lived. As my passions faded, they were replaced by a deep melancholy. I thought back to my brief meeting with Maria before I had gone on my scouting mission, remembering my renewed allegiance to her vision. As I lay in a tent on the edge of yet another battlefield, the smell of death in the air, my mind spent, my body exhausted, I could not recapture that commitment to her cause.

Instead I felt empty. Hollow. Neither living nor dead. Trapped in an endless terrible night.

The only time I felt emancipated from my hellish existence was during the throes of passion, in the intimate meeting of flesh upon flesh. I could suppress the demon and forget I was conscripted to an eternity of strife. But the escape was so fleeting, so ephemeral, and the return to reality so crushingly painful that I no longer thought I could bear to endure it again.

The need to run was thrumming through every cell of my body, a seductive siren call of freedom. But I had followed that enticing temptress time and time again. No matter how far I ran, how hard I sought, I had yet to find that elusive place where my mind could be at peace. All my journeys ended the same: in turmoil and frustration and growing despair.

Maybe my peace lay elsewhere. Maybe I ran so that I could discover the truth: there was no rest, no escape, no end, no life. Perhaps peace lay in the acceptance of my eternal damnation. I could unleash the beast. I could stop pretending there was something more. I could fold myself in the devil's embrace.

I forced back the urge to run. I tucked my fierce yearnings away, deep inside a corner of my mind. Then I resolved to forget that they ever existed.

#####

I no longer questioned Maria's ambition. When she sensed a new threat, I was there to quell it. When she decided to expand into the north, I carved out the territory, cutting away any opposition, a weapon of pain and destruction, a monstrous blade of ruin.

Peter no longer sought me out after a battle. I remembered his expression the first time I turned him away, his eyes so full of hurt, but even more unbearable to feel was the underlying tenderness he held for me. I was comforted when he eventually found solace in the arms of one of the soldiers, their passions so strong I had to travel quite some distance to remain unaffected.

Maria, likewise, sought her sexual release elsewhere, her growing anger with me at war with her satisfaction regarding my unparalleled military achievements. She could feel her hold on me had somehow slipped away, yet at the same time, I had never been more effective in battle.

I knew she considered me a problem that she would one day have to address, but for now, she seemed content to reap the benefits of my terrifying accomplishments.

After some months, we had reached a point of relative calm. Our threats from the east, west and south had been subdued. The north had not yet mobilized to repel our infiltration. Maria began to bring home some newly turned vampires. When she had introduced a half dozen newborns into our ranks, she pulled me aside.

"I want you to cull all the soldiers other than our newest recruits. Now is the time. They've all passed the year mark, some months beyond, and their strength is fading. It will be months before we'll need to engage in any serious fighting. The three of us can handle anything that comes along until these newborns are up to speed."

I nodded in acknowledgment. "I'll find Peter. We'll take care of it."

"Thank you, Jasper," Maria responded. She took my face between her hands. "You know how important you are to me, don't you? I don't know what I'd do without you."

I placed my hands on top of her own. "I know, Maria," I said gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

She turned her hands to capture mine in her own then brought them one after the other to her mouth, kissing each palm in turn. I could feel her appreciation and what could only be labeled affection for me. For whatever the reason, it didn't cause the same sort of pain that Peter's devotion had.

I kissed her cheek and went to locate Peter.

When I informed him of Maria's plans, he became agitated and tense.

"All of them?" he asked incredulously. "Some of them are incredible fighters, even with the loss of their newborn advantage! And why would she reduce our numbers down to six? Wouldn't it be more prudent to cull six and use the newest as replacements than to cripple our strength so seriously?"

He was pacing back and forth, his fingers gripping his hair, his shoulders tight, his body coiled like a spring, as if a simple flick of the fingers could cause him to explode in a million pieces. I had never seen him so upset. I knew how much he hated the inevitable destruction of our soldiers, but this went beyond that.

"She thinks now is a good time to re-strengthen our forces with new fighters. You know they're much stronger in the first year. We're not at risk from any serious threats right now. It makes sense." I tried to convince him.

"I think this is a mistake," he continued. "It's a mistake, Jasper." The force of his conviction was persuasive. "Remember when Ramon first moved against us? No one had even heard of him until right before he struck. What if there's another Ramon making plans as we speak? We've only just started making inroads to the north. We know very little of the threats that await us there. I'm telling you this is a mistake, Jasper."

His agitation was making me uneasy. He was usually the one who brought calm to a situation. I felt the need to end his turmoil.

I gripped his shoulders. "Peter, stop. Look at me." He brought his troubled eyes to my face. I was taken aback at the swirling emotions I found there. "I'll talk to Maria. I'll relay your misgivings. I'll ask her to reconsider."

He calmed imperceptibly, although he was still tense under my fingers. He nodded tersely. "Thank you, Jasper," he choked out in a clipped voice.

I gave his shoulders a squeeze then left him to his furious pacing as I sought out Maria.

She was unreceptive to Peter's suggestions. I pressed, wanting to do my best for Peter, exerting subtle pressure on Maria to get her to agree to keep at least a few of our veteran fighters. I felt her anger when she sensed what I was doing and her eyes flashed with danger. I immediately backed down, apologizing for questioning her decisions.

Barely leashed fury laced her voice as she made her position clear. "I fully understand Peter's motivations, but this is non-negotiable. They all go. Today." She turned to walk away from me, radiating anger, determination and something else that felt like… jealousy?

When I returned to Peter, I could tell he knew immediately what the answer had been. His shoulders slumped in defeat and his eyes filled with anguish. I wanted to spare him from more pain.

"I'm sorry, Peter," I said softly. "I really did try." He nodded in understanding. "I can handle this myself, if you don't want to be a part of it."

Instead of easing his tension my offer seemed to upset him even further.

"No!" he practically roared. "I'm not leaving."

"Alright," I complied, not wanting to argue with him. "Let's get this over with."

I turned to walk away. "I'm going to start the fire," I told him. "Bring me the first one when you're ready."

Peter had assisted with the culling of the soldiers many times before. It was always hard on him. Even though he was an accomplished soldier, at heart he was gentle and kind. He spent more time with the soldiers than any of us and considered them friends. It pained him deeply to be a part of this destructive practice, but he insisted on participating. He claimed it was important to him that their last memory be one of a friendly face rather than one of terror and fear.

Under some pretense he would bring the soldiers to me one by one. He would thank them sincerely for their service and as they gazed into his appreciative eyes, I would sever their heads from their necks from behind.

I was a merciful executioner. They were rarely even aware of what was happening.

This was the largest group we had ever terminated at one time. They numbered over 20. As the night wore on, Peter appeared to be falling apart. His emotions were so volatile that even my efforts to calm him had little effect. Hatred for Maria and even some reserved for me layered over what felt like love, overwhelming guilt, anguish, an ever-present current of anger, and deepest of all, a grief so intense I was surprised he was still standing.

I offered several times to relieve him and continue on my own, but he reacted with an anger so ferocious I was taken aback. I resolved to finish our task quickly, so I could get away from his conflicting emotions. The night was taking a toll on me as well.

Finally, he emerged with the final soldier, the female with the soft brown curls. If I had been stunned by the strength of his emotions previously, it was nothing compared to the onslaught I felt now.

She was positioned behind him and I felt her fear. She was obviously aware of what this night entailed. His stance was defensive and I heard the unmistakable sounds of growling coming from his throat. His face was etched in sorrow.

I was confused for just a moment, but then I finally understood all his previous actions. Everything clicked into place – Maria's jealousy, Peter's erratic behavior, his anger, his overwhelming grief.

He was willing to fight me to the death to protect his mate; I had been ordered to kill the woman he loved.

I understood his impossible dilemma. I felt their unbreakable bond. It was strong and pure and beautiful. As their love pulsed within me it touched places that I thought had been locked away forever. But even more penetrating than their undying devotion was the hopelessness that pierced through me. If my heart were not made of stone, it would now be breaking.

He knew I was unable to disobey Maria's directive. If he ran, turned traitor, I would follow and destroy them both. If he stayed, he'd be forced to defend her and would die in the process. After years of fighting side by side, he didn't expect to survive the encounter with me.

Peter was shaking, the growls coming out in guttural spurts, the agony of the situation overriding everything else.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," he said brokenly. "Charlotte is my mate. I can't live without her."

I wanted the pain to stop. Even the love was too much for me to bear. It reminded me of my emptiness, my loneliness. It had awoken long forgotten yearnings, ancient memories… gentle fingers, kind eyes, a soft breeze on a summer day.

I thought back to a time when this gentle man, who now crouched before me ready to die for the woman he loved, had made me laugh. How he gave me everything I ever asked for, never once asking anything in return. How I was unable to ever give anything back, because I was empty and hollow and had nothing to give.

I realized now that I did.

I took a step backwards, looked deep into Peter's eyes and whispered, "Run."

AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, put this story on alert or shared your love of Queer As Folk with me! You make me smile. Special thanks to my friend OnTheTurningAway for being my amazing beta.

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