Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
Rated M for language, sexuality, graphic violence.
"When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?
Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:,
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?"
- William Blake, "The Tyger," l. 17-24
Chapter 11 – Burning Bright
JPOV
I went straight to my room after arriving home, wanting time to process the events of the morning, a smile still lingering on my face. I could feel Alice's excitement and curiosity from down the hall and suspected she must have seen part of what transpired between me and Edward, but she allowed me my privacy. I appreciated her restraint.
I kicked off my boots and stretched out on the bed with my hands behind my head. I shut my eyes and re-lived the memory of his lips on mine. I could still see his face, damp from the rain, eye shining with laughter, happy and beautiful. His joy was contagious and I found myself laughing along with him, a sound that had rarely left my mouth in the last hundred years. I felt the surge of desire that ripped through him, and his uninhibited response, as he boldly pulled me to him in a passionate kiss.
I had been frozen in shock, the touch of his lips burning a fire straight through me. The smell of him, the taste of him, so overpowering I was stunned. My mind was paralyzed and I was unable to formulate a thought, much less a reaction. I simply stood there, a blazing pillar of flame.
Shock had again been my reaction when Edward surprised me after my shower. My many scars, covering my body like a monstrous cloak, had been on display for him to see. The desire I felt from him when he first entered the room gave way to alarm. I was afraid to look at him, afraid to see the disgust on his face, the rejection in his eyes. I was hideous, scarred and ugly, marred from years of battle and decades of strife, my evil nature branded onto my skin. Yet, when I raised my eyes to his face, he did not shy away in repulsion. Instead, he took my hand and led me to the bed, gently touching my skin, tracing the lines on my chest, the heat from his finger incinerating my flesh like a sacred fire.
When his lips followed the trail of his fingers, I thought I would surely combust into a pile of ashes. The compassion and concern I felt radiating from him was like a tsunami of tenderness. My body stilled and I shut my eyes, unsure if I would survive the onslaught. With each soft kiss I felt my chest cracking open, my stone heart splintering into dust. I had faced countless enemies, fought endless battles against vengeful and treacherous opponents, yet nothing had ever disarmed me as easily as the gentle touches from this bewitching beautiful boy.
He was so close and I could feel the beat of his heart pulsing strongly in my ears. As he leaned forward to press his lips against my skin, I could swear I felt its rhythm vibrating through my entire body like a shock of life. What was he doing to me, this sweet remarkable boy? I was paralyzed, completely overwhelmed at the myriad of sensations he was causing—his tender touch, his burning kisses, his thundering pulse.
When he reached his hand to turn my face towards his, leaning in to place his mouth once again on mine, I choked out a protest, desperate to regain some equilibrium before I drowned in the eddy of emotions swirling round me. As I opened my mouth taking breath to speak, his scent filled my lungs, grounding me in the moment. He filled me, seeping into my empty spaces, gliding over my skin, into the very cells of my being.
My heart, which had disintegrated at his first delicate touches now reshaped itself from his essence. I shut my eyes tightly at the exquisite pain, the unbearable pleasure, my transformation undetectable to an outside observer, but traveling through me like a seismic wave. I was changed.
I felt whole.
"Jasper, I won't ever hurt you," he had whispered softly to me in an earnest voice.
My newly re-formed heart ached at his declaration. As if he, this sweet innocent, this gentle lamb, could ever be the cause of harm. It was I who was the monster; he who was in mortal danger, reaching through the cage to pet the beast. If he only realized how I thirsted for his blood, his throat so close, his scent so potent. If he only realized how perilous his position was, poised on the edge of death as he comforted a demon.
As he grasped my hand and looked at me with such sincerity, I felt panicked as thoughts of his blood caused venom to flow freely in my mouth. I swallowed rapidly, trying to regain control of my errant musings. He must have sensed my distress because he released me and stood, backing away, suggesting I get dressed and meet him downstairs.
I heard a gentle knock on my door and was startled out of my reminiscence, sensing Alice's curiosity had finally gotten the best of her.
"Come in, Alice," I called softly.
She perched on the edge of the bed, and looked at me expectantly, her still form belying the excitement I felt emanating from her.
"He kissed you," she said with a knowing smile.
"He did," I replied, an answering smile forming on my face. The memory of his laughter, his joyous face, warmed me, chasing away my dark thoughts until they were but shadows stretching into the distance under the bright sun of his smile.
"I knew it would happen eventually," she said with a small delighted bounce. "It was only a matter of time."
"Only a matter of time?" I asked, sitting up and cocking my head at her pronouncement of inevitability. The thought both comforted and unnerved me.
"Yes," she responded with a finality that conveyed certainty.
"You kissed him back," she added in a conspiratorial voice, as if she were telling me a secret.
My thoughts returned to my beautiful boy and the moment in the driveway when he had dropped me off. He was so nervous, so worried. Yet on top of his concern was a layer of happiness. Affection. Burning attraction. I had been overtaken by the desire to remove his worry, leaving only the happiness behind. His magnetic pull, his seductive scent had overwhelmed me in the confined space of his car and I gave in to the impulse to return us to that moment in the hall when his entire being was lit up with joy.
"What was it like, Jasper?" Alice asked wistfully.
"What was it like?" I repeated, confused. "Have you and Tyler never kissed?" I was curious how she negotiated physical closeness with the human boy she had been dating.
"Yes, we've kissed. But it… wasn't how I thought it would be."
"How did you think it would be?" I asked.
"Like in the movies. Like Rosalie and Emmett.
"Like your kiss with Edward," she added with a little sigh. "Was it wonderful? It looked wonderful."
Yes, it was wonderful. Magical. Transformative. Monumental. Words seemed inadequate.
"It was."
She smiled at me. "I'm glad, Jasper." She reached out her hand to give mine a small squeeze.
"Nothing about dating Tyler is as I expected," she continued. "I thought he would be the perfect boyfriend now that I'm a cheerleader, but high school is so complicated." She gave a heavy sigh. "I can sip coffee or hot tea to keep my lips warm and slip hand warmers in my pockets to hold his hand, but it's impossible for me to go further physically than that. I know he gets frustrated with me," she confessed, her expression sad.
"Not that I even want to take things further," she said. "He's a nice enough boy, but he doesn't make me feel the way your Edward makes you feel. I'm happy you found him."
My Edward. I liked how that sounded.
She leaned in and kissed my cheek. "It's good to see you smile," she said, as she stood to leave the room.
The door clicked shut behind her and I was once again lost in thoughts of my beautiful boy, picturing the bloom on his cheeks, his leafy green eyes, feeling the ghost of his fingers over my scar covered chest, his lips across my shoulders. I longed to feel his touch again.
After decades, I had finally discovered something that could fill my aching emptiness.
Someone.
Alice's words ran through my head, about her inability to be physically intimate with Tyler past kisses and holding hands. I thought about Edward, how much my body sang when his was near, the constant urge I had to be close to him, to touch him… hold him. The way his lips felt against mine, the way his fiery touch had unraveled me completely. How I longed to possess him, plunge into his heat and press his body flush against mine. I could feel my body already responding to the images, my erection straining in my pants.
These were impossible dreams. Impossible desires. The smile faded from my lips as I stared starkly at the reality of our situation. What in the world did I think could happen with this beautiful boy? Did I think that somehow we would date? Hold hands and perhaps kiss at evening's end? The idea was ridiculous; what I desired could never be. What in the world had I been thinking, kissing him back today? I could offer nothing to this precious boy. My touch could easily kill him. My mouth, eager to bring pleasure, could instead become the instrument of his demise. We had no future. Or rather, I had an endless one, one that would stretch forward for centuries long after he was gone. My gut clenched painfully, protesting even the slightest suggestion that we would one day part, but I knew it was a truth I had to face head on. I could never have Edward the way I wished. The way I wanted with every fiber and molecule of my being. It was impossible.
My conflicting emotions were overwhelming. The ecstatic joy from being with Edward, the awed wonder as my stone heart was transformed under his gentle touch, my mounting desolation at the hopelessness of my affections.
I felt an old familiar urge and I leapt from my bed, racing down the stairs and out of the house. I heard Alice's surprised "Jasper?" as I sped past her. I ran for hours, deep into the forest, trying to escape from the despair that threatened to overtake me. My feet pounded, attempting to outpace my troubling thoughts.
When I encountered a bear, I leapt on it, tackling it to the ground. We rolled on the forest floor and I felt its teeth and claws uselessly attacking my granite skin. The bear roared in frustration at its ineffective assault, and I allowed it to toss my body like a play thing, wishing it could tear into my flesh and let me bleed.
Another impossible desire, I thought bitterly. I roused myself from my despondency, letting my abominable nature take over as I wrestled it into submission, savagely sinking my teeth deep into its throat. The warm blood gushed into my mouth and I let it flow over and drip down my chin, splattering my torn and shredded clothing, making me appear the grotesque monster I was.
When I finished my meal, I headed back towards town, knowing that running could never be more than a temporary reprieve for me. My thoughts wandered again and again to Edward, to his beautiful magnolia skin, his strong lithe body, his crooked smile. I ached for him. As the sun descended and twilight approached, I found myself heading not towards my home, but following the same path we had run as we sprinted through the rain. I felt a pull, a magnetic force, compelling me in his direction. The Masen house came into view and I stood in the shadows, outside the glow of the street lamps, listening to the sounds from within.
The low voices of Edward and his mother drifted out into the night as they prepared an evening meal. I could hear the steady beat of his heart and it calmed me, the turmoil that had caused my flight dispelling under the comforting rhythm of his pulse.
I stood there all night, watching Edward's father pull up the drive and into the garage, hearing the sound of their voices as they ate their evening meal, the low hum of the television as the evening wore on, and finally, Edward's footsteps as he went up the stairs into his bedroom for the night. I listened to the noise of the springs as he settled himself in his bed. I heard his breathing grow deep and his heart rate increase as he stroked his arousal. And as he came with a soft cry, I heard him gasp out my name.
I burned.
His heart rate slowed and his breathing evened out into the restful rhythm of sleep. I was aware of every shift of his body throughout the night, every sigh, every soft snore. I longed to be closer, to see the gentle rise and fall of his chest, his velvet hair against the pillow, to smell his seductive, aromatic scent. But I contented myself with knowing he was safe, trying to forget that at the peak of his arousal, his thoughts had been of me.
As the sun began to rise, I tore myself away from my night long vigil and raced home to wash and change. I could hardly bear to leave. When his heartbeat faded from my hearing, I had to force myself from turning back. I knew it would only be a few hours before I was sitting next to him in school, but those hours seemed like an eternity.
I knew it was impossible. I knew it was wrong; I should have pushed him away. I should never have encouraged this in the first place by kissing him in the car in the drive outside our house. But I was helpless to deny him. When he looked at me from across the room and I felt his happiness, his uncertainty, his nervousness and most of all, his desire for me, I couldn't help but respond with a reassuring smile. His relief and euphoria rushed through me and my heart felt at home.
The week was busy and we had little time to talk outside of school. Edward had a big meet on Saturday and his coach had them staying late for extra practices. We spoke on the phone a few times, but it was obvious that he was exhausted. On Friday, Edward turned towards me in the minutes before our history class started and told me that he was sure he wouldn't feel like running on Sunday morning. I felt an absurd level of disappointment, having come to count on our mornings together to break up the long stretch of time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning.
He continued, "I thought we could take a short hike instead, if you're up for it. There's a place I'd like to show you. I'll pack a lunch for us. What do you think?"
"I'm up for it," I replied. I couldn't stay away from him.
He smiled. "Good." I smiled back.
On Sunday morning, Edward picked me up in his car and we drove just outside of town. He pulled off on a small dirt road and parked at a small turn-around about a quarter mile in.
We got out of the car and Edward slipped a small pack over his shoulders. "This way," he said, leading me to a faint, unmarked trail. We followed it for a half hour or so, not speaking as we made our way through the woods. I walked behind Edward, enjoying watching his strong back, his muscular thighs, his velvet hair, ruffled by the occasional breeze. How I yearned to run my fingers through it, to feel the softness against my skin.
Abruptly, the trees thinned and we were standing at the edge of a large meadow, a completely unexpected sight in the midst of the forest. Edward stopped and turned to me with a wide smile. "What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? You should see it in the spring. It's fucking breathtaking."
"I think it's breathtaking now," I told him, lost in his smiling green eyes. His cheeks flushed and his breath quickened and I thrilled hearing the thrum of his beating heart as he stepped closer to me, whispering, "Jasper."
In a panic, I stepped back from him and closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the disappointment in his. I could still feel it, though.
"What are you so afraid of Jasper?" he asked softly. "You know I won't ever hurt you, don't you?"
"It's not you I'm afraid of, Edward," I told him, opening my eyes and studying his face. "I'm afraid that I'm going to end up hurting you."
"I don't believe you would ever hurt me, Jasper. I don't. I trust you. I just wish that you would trust me too." He took a step closer and I steeled myself from stepping back again.
"It isn't a matter of trust," I told him, frustrated that I was unable to explain why I couldn't be who he wanted me to be.
"What is it then? You can talk to me about anything, you know."
I didn't know how to answer him.
He sighed and slipped the backpack from his shoulders. He unzipped the main compartment and pulled out a thin blanket. "C'mon, let's sit," he said, cocking his head towards the middle of the meadow.
He spread the blanket and sat down on it, patting the spot next to him. I joined him on the ground. He leaned back and put his hands behind his head, lying flat and closing his eyes.
"I come here to think," he said. "It's quiet and I always feel like I'm in my own private world, away from everything else. I can just be here and not worry about what anyone else thinks."
"It's nice. I like it," I said, taking the opportunity to study his face, the strong line of his jaw, his soft rosy lips. His jacket had pulled up when he extended his arms and I could see his shirt underneath pulling loose. I wanted to tug it free and run my hands across his abdomen, to feel his muscles quiver as I slid my fingers under the waist band of his jeans. I wanted to lean over and breathe his scent and press my lips against his mouth. I wanted to lie on top of him and feel him under me, thrusting and moaning. I wanted to possess him and keep him with me always. For the first time in my vampire existence, I wanted time to stop and for this moment to go on forever. In this very moment, I could pretend he was mine.
I lay down on my back next to him, mirroring his pose and closing my eyes. I could feel the heat from his body warming my left side. "Talk to me, Jasper," he said.
"About what?"
"About anything." He paused. "What are you reading now?"
"More Blake, at the moment," I answered.
"I liked hearing you read the Blake," he said. "Maybe you'll read me some more some time."
I thought for a moment then began speaking the lines from the poem that I had been contemplating recently.
"Tyger Tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?"
I continued on, reciting the stanzas until I came to the line that had troubled me the most lately:
"Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?"
When I was finished we just lay there in silence, each lost in our own thoughts.
"Do you believe in God, Edward?" I asked.
"Of course. Don't you?"
"Sometimes. Sometimes I wonder how a God can possibly exist when there's such evil in the world." We were silent for a few moments more. I leaned up on my elbow so I could stare at his beautiful face. He was still lying on his back, eyes closed. When I looked at him, so innocent and pure, I had faith in the divine. How else could such an angelic creature exist, but by the grace of God?
"What did you mean when you said you were worried that you would hurt me, Jasper?" Edward asked.
I was silent for a moment, wondering how to respond. "You would be better off not getting close to me, Edward," I answered honestly.
"I don't agree," he stated.
My sweet, trusting boy. How could I make him understand? "I'm not safe, Edward. I shouldn't even be with you here now, isolated and alone, no one within earshot. I'm…dangerous. I've done…unforgivable things. Things you could never comprehend. Things you should have no part of, that should never touch your world. You're good, and kind and innocent, and I'm…a monster. I should never have allowed myself to get so close."
He opened his eyes and saw me propped up, leaning over him. He shifted up to his elbow, mirroring my position and we lay on our sides, staring at each other.
He reached out his hand to brush a lock of my hair away from my forehead. I tensed, at once craving his touch on my skin, but simultaneously fearing it. "Don't," I whispered as I shut my eyes.
I could feel his disappointment, his confusion and distress. Even now I was hurting him. "Tell me," he said. "Nothing you say is going to scare me away. I'm not afraid. I trust you."
"You shouldn't," I told him.
"But I do." I could feel the conviction in his words. "I still don't believe you would ever hurt me. You're not a monster, Jasper. No matter what you've done."
"You wouldn't say that if you knew," I said in a low voice.
We were at an impasse. Nothing I said could convince him of the inherent danger of being in my company, of the evil that resided within me. Nothing he said could convince me that I was something other than what I was: a killer, a creature of the night, a soulless demon.
Nevertheless, I was unable to deprive myself of his company. I could not pass up the chance to spend this time with him, to bask in his presence, to breathe his alluring scent, to revel in the comfort of the steady rhythm of his heart, a metronome marking the time of this tiny sliver of eternity, moments I wished could go on forever.
We talked for hours. As always, it was easy for me to get lost in the sound of his voice. Our conversation flowed effortlessly. There was so much I wanted to know about him, and he answered every question I asked freely, his thoughts completely open to me. It was true what he had asserted earlier: he did trust me. I was not worthy of his gift. Eventually, he unpacked the lunch he had brought, and didn't question me when I refused to share the meal. Like so many other times, he simply accepted parts of me that others would find strange or oddly curious.
When the light began to fade, we made our way back to the car. We drove in silence, the ever-present tension high, until we reached my house. He put the car in park and turned to me. I could feel his desire, matching my own. I wanted to pull his face towards mine and crush my lips against his mouth. I wanted to taste his skin and feel my fingers in his hair. I wanted…so much. I breathed deeply, taking in one last lungful of his delicious scent then wished him goodnight, hearing his frustrated sigh of disappointment as I exited the car.
I wished things could be different.
It was another week before I spent time alone with Edward again. He had invited me over on several occasions, but I declined, doing my best to create some distance between us. As the week wore on, his mood became more and more low and my guilt increased. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I wanted to protect him from my evil nature, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to stay away from him. The urge to touch him during the day was almost unbearable, but I resisted his pull. The longer we were apart, it became too much for me and I would find myself outside his house late at night, listening to the rhythmic pulse of his heart, his even breaths while he slept. The sounds would seep into my empty spaces and I would once again feel whole.
When he invited me over on Friday, saying he wasn't in the mood to drive to Rainier for the game and his parents wouldn't be home so he'd appreciate some company, I knew I shouldn't accept, but was unable to resist the opportunity to be with him; the compulsion was too strong. He looked surprised when I agreed, obviously anticipating another no. His face lit up in a smile that would put sunlight to shame.
I borrowed Alice's car, since she had ridden the bus with the players and other cheerleaders to the away game. My long legs barely fit into the small vehicle, but it was fast and I couldn't very well show up on foot. When I arrived, Edward opened the door with another beautiful smile; his face beaming with delight. When I saw what happiness my presence could bring him, my thoughts drifted dangerously towards impossible places. Was I really so evil if someone as gentle and kind and pure as Edward could take pleasure in my company?
Edward suggested a movie and we moved to the family room. We settled on the couch and he started the DVD we had selected. About twenty minutes in, he asked if I wanted some popcorn or a soda. I declined his offer, but he excused himself to fix a snack of his own. When he returned, he placed his drink and a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table in front of us and sat back down next to me. This time, however, he sat much closer. His thigh was grazing mine and time and time again as he reached forward to grab a handful of popcorn, his arm would brush up against me.
My entire body was aware of his closeness, of his heat. Every nerve, every cell was alive and vibrating with electricity. His scent was heady, overpowering; his "accidental" touches were stirring to life an inferno within. As the lovers embraced on the screen, I felt his desire, bright and hot and burning for me.
He reached out his hand and placed it on my thigh, giving up the pretense of inadvertent touches. He shifted to face me and ran his hand slowly up my thigh, grazing the erection that was straining in my jeans. I stiffened, taking in a sharp breath and shutting my eyes, willing myself not to grab him and throw him down and ravage him completely. "Please don't say stop," he whispered to me as his hand again moved slowly up and down my thigh.
"Don't," I choked out. "Edward, you must stop. We can't do this."
I felt his sharp stab of anger and frustration as he yanked his hand away and stood up, furiously running his hand through his hair, grabbing handfuls in agitation. "Why? Why can't we do this?" he asked impatiently. His lust and desire had not lessened one iota and it fueled his dissatisfaction. I sat quietly while he paced, trying to keep rein on my own wildly fluctuating emotions.
After a few moments he turned away from me and dropped his arms to his sides. I could feel sadness, guilt, resignation. "I'm sorry. I only wanted to make you feel good, Jasper," he whispered.
My heart clenched. He was perfect, my innocent, giving, wonderful boy. I stood up from the couch and walked up behind him, placing my hands on his shoulders. He tensed, then relaxed under my touch. I squeezed his shoulders, rubbing down his biceps and bringing my hands back to his shoulders again. I leaned towards him, breathing in his delectable scent and spoke softly in his ear.
"You do make me feel good, Edward," I told him earnestly. "When I'm with you, I don't feel like a monster. You make me feel like a man."
I turned my face into his hair breathing in deeply, filling myself with his scent, and wrapped my arms around his chest, holding him close. I was unable to resist the temptation after denying myself for so long. I heard his sharp intake of breath and the pounding of his heart as he melted back against my embrace. I could feel his desire and it spurred a heady, electrifying response in me.
"Let me make you feel good," I whispered in his ear, as my right hand slid down his body to palm his erection beneath his jeans.
He let out a moan and bucked his hips into my hand. "Jasper," he groaned. The sound of my name from his lips elicited a small moan from me as well, and I whispered a breathy "Edward," in his ear, his name escaping from my lips like a benediction.
I ran my hand over the rough material of his jeans a few more times, wringing breathy cries from him. My other hand, still wrapped around him, caressed the muscles of his chest, finding his nipple through the fabric of his shirt and squeezing it gently between my fingers. His head fell back onto my shoulder and he reached his left arm up to sink his fingers in my hair while his other arm grasped my forearm in a tight grip.
I deftly unsnapped his jeans and reached my hand into his pants to stroke his length through his boxer briefs, unable to reveal the coldness of my touch, but wanting to give him greater pleasure. My own erection was pressed hard against him and he could undoubtedly feel my arousal as he ground back against me.
His emotions were like a banquet of sensation and I devoured them hungrily: his desire, his pleasure, his relief, his happiness. I loved that it was me bringing out these feelings; he was reacting this way to my touch and mine alone.
"You have no idea the way you make me feel," I spoke softly in his ear. "Your touch sets me on fire; your scent fills me with longing. You're always in my mind. Always, my beautiful, magical boy."
His breathy cries increased as I spoke to him and I felt of wave of affection and tenderness from him, heady lust and exquisite pleasure. His groin pressed frantically into my touch and the fingers he had wound through my hair now closed into a fist, pulling tightly.
"Jasper. Oh, God… Jasper," he gasped out.
I increased the pace and pressure of my hand on his arousal and continued to whisper in his ear, telling him how beautiful he was, how perfect and good, how from the first moment I saw him I couldn't take my eyes off him. How he made me feel alive. How being near him made my body sing. How every time he came close I had to stop myself from throwing him down and worshipping him, ripping the clothes from his body, kissing every inch of his skin and burying myself in his tight heat.
The noises he was making were gasping and frantic. His hips were thrusting into my hand in urgent movements. His body was taut and ready to explode. I could hear his pulse thundering through his veins and I leaned my nose into his neck, running it over his skin, breathing deeply, feeling his warmth, smelling his savory aroma. I could practically taste him. As I opened my mouth to run my tongue over his throbbing flesh, I felt him go rigid as he released under my hand, his cries piercing through me like a lance of ecstasy. I knew then that there could be no sound in the entire world more erotic than the uncontrolled noises of my beautiful boy as he came apart in my arms.
My own erection was straining painfully and I felt myself about to similarly lose control as his climaxing body writhed back against me. His emotions enveloped me, cloaking me in gratitude, euphoria, exquisite pleasure and… love?
I was shocked into awareness. Was I really about to give myself over to my release, while my mouth was open against his throat, the scent of his blood inflaming my senses? I pulled abruptly away from him in horror. He almost fell when my arms no longer supported him, his legs giving out from under him, but he regaining his balance and looked at me in puzzlement.
"Jasper?" he questioned, his voice perplexed, still dazed from his sexual release.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out. "I have to go. This is wrong." I felt a frantic need to escape.
I could sense his sharp stab of hurt, the stinging rejection he felt, and his complete bewilderment as these new disturbing feelings warred with his residual ones of happiness, pleasure and love.
"I don't understand," he said, confused. "Jasper?"
"I'm sorry," I repeated in a strangled voice as I turned to leave the room as fast as I could while still appearing human. As soon as the door to the house shut behind me, I took off running, putting as much distance as possible between the two of us. His hurt replayed back in my mind and I was filled with anguish at causing him pain. But better a little emotional pain than having my teeth sink into his skin, draining his vibrant life and negating his very existence.
I stopped running as pain shot through my gut at the very idea. I wrapped my arm around my middle and bent over, gagging. The thought that I could have been the one to destroy his beautiful life was almost too much to bear. If I had given in to that seductive impulse, I would have needed to throw myself atop a flaming pyre; I didn't see how I could possibly have gone on.
I tried to gain control of myself. Edward was safe. He was home. He was alive. He was safe. Edward was safe. Even though I knew it to be true, I felt the almost uncontrollable urge to confirm it with absolute certainty and I found myself running back in the direction from which I had come.
As soon as the beat of his heart, that beloved melody, reached my ears, I felt calm. The crazed anguish receded and I was blanketed in peace as the steady rhythm of his life seeped into me. "My beautiful boy… I'm so sorry," I whispered into the night.
I stayed there until dawn, hearing the soft buzz of the television until three A.M. He finally went upstairs to his bedroom and I could hear him tossing and turning, his sleep restless and disturbed for the remainder of the night. I knew I was the cause.
For the next few days I alternated between locking myself in my room and returning to the shadows outside Edward's house after dark, when the temptation to be near him became too strong to bear. Edward had called several times, and I had refused to speak with him, directing my family to tell him I wasn't feeling well. I could feel Alice's worry and distress from down the hall, but she didn't disturb my voluntary isolation. After the school called on Monday to find out why I wasn't in class, Carlisle knocked on my door, asking me if I needed to talk.
"I don't know how to be near him, Carlisle, and I cannot stay away from him."
"You've been around him for weeks now," Carlisle responded, not needing to know of whom I spoke.
"Things have changed."
"How so?" he asked.
"He… cares about me." I couldn't bring myself to say the word love out loud, although I could still feel the weight of his emotions nestled comfortably in my empty spaces.
"How do you feel about him?" Carlisle asked next, taking a seat on the bed.
Confused... elated… possessive… tender… grateful… terrified. Was there an emotion I didn't feel about him?
"I feel he would be better off without me in his life," I finally answered.
"That's not a real answer, Jasper. Do you love him too?" He always did have a way of seeing things clearly.
"It's impossible, Carlisle!" I said with vexation.
"Jasper, I've lived a long time, longer than even you. Is love so plentiful for us that we can recklessly throw it away when it is given to us so freely?"
"But it's wrong, Carlisle."
"Tell me why you think so," he requested and I could tell that he truly wanted to know.
"He's a boy. Pure. Innocent. I'm a monster. A century and a half older than he. It's depraved."
"You're a vampire, Jasper. Not a monster."
"Yes, a vampire. A soulless demon, damned for all eternity," I said bitterly.
"We are a different species, it's true. But I don't believe we are soulless. Nor do I believe we are damned. Do you think Alice a monster? Or Esme? Or myself?"
"It's different for you."
"How so, Jasper? How is it different for us? Are we not vampires too?"
"Yes, but you aren't a danger to every human you meet. You and Esme and the rest of the family aren't weak like I. You've conquered the beast within. Carlisle, I almost bit him! We were… physically close. My mouth was right on his pulse. I could have killed him." The last sentence came out in an anguished wail.
"But you didn't," Carlisle said gently.
"I still might."
"I don't think you will, son."
Why should his opinion matter more than my own? He had never tasted human blood. He couldn't understand the bloodlust that drove me to a state of frenzied madness, a state where I was nothing more than an animal, acting on instinct alone.
"Tell me what you're thinking, Jasper."
"How could you possibly understand? You've never tasted human blood."
"But I have, Jasper. Of course I have. I turned Esme, and Rosalie, and Emmett. I drank from all of them when they were in human form. Was it easier to resist before I knew the taste? Perhaps. But I made a choice, a choice which I also see you making on a daily basis." He paused to gather his thoughts.
"It's the ability to choose that differentiates us from the animals, and it exists for the vampire as well as for the human. Perhaps my thinking is too mired in the faith in which I was raised, but I believe in the Christian doctrine of free will. I don't believe we are inherently evil. I believe we have the capacity to do evil, just as we have the capacity to do good; it is our choices that define who we are."
He still didn't seem to understand how I was different from them. "You have all turned away from human blood from the outset. I've willingly drank from hundreds, if not thousands. If that's not evil, I don't know what is."
"Jasper, you can't continue to blame yourself for choices you made when before you even knew there was another way. That's not true free will. Once you learned our way of life existed, you turned from your previous path. That choice is rooted in the good."
"Yes, I've tried to choose a different path, yet I've slipped time and time again. If I truly wanted to resist, then wouldn't I have? And initially, were not my reasons selfish, borne of a desire to end my own pain?"
"We've all made selfish choices, Jasper. Son," he continued, putting his hand on my shoulder and giving it a small squeeze. "You don't see yourself clearly. I've watched your struggles. You have a good heart. You do," he insisted as he saw my skeptical expression.
"You've made tremendous strides since you first made your way to us. You had decades and decades of conditioning to overcome. Of course it's been more difficult for you to adapt. That does not make you evil; your struggle itself is evidence of the humanity that still resides within you. And God's mercy is infinite."
"So you truly believe that salvation is possible even for us? We are not damned by our very nature?" I asked.
"Only in the sense that by escaping human death, we are prohibited from experiencing the return to God, Our Father in a heavenly afterlife," he said. "I can't look at Esme, at how good and kind she is, without seeing evidence of the divine. God dwells within us, Jasper. If our vampire existences were to end, I believe our souls would return home. And if we continue on infinitely, to quote John Milton: 'The mind is its own place, and in itself / Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.'"
He smiled. "These are difficult questions, and ones whose theories are impossible to test. But such is the nature of faith. Greater men than you or I have pondered such things. When I look at you, Jasper, I see a child of God. That is what I believe.
"Now back to the question at hand. What are you going to do about young Edward?" he asked.
I sighed. Edward. Just the thought of him set me ablaze. "I've tried, but it appears as though I am unable to stay away from him. I'm not sure I even have a choice."
"We always have a choice, son," Carlisle stated.
"I'm drawn to him. His body calls to me. I fear his discovery of what we are. I fear bringing the wrath of the Volturi down upon him. I fear I won't be able to control myself around him and I'll kill him myself. But even more than these, I fear I cannot survive without his presence in my life. He has changed me. I don't know what to do."
"Those are all legitimate concerns, I agree, and not to be taken lightly," Carlisle said with a serious expression. "Jasper, know that we will support you in whatever choice you make. If you need to leave, you will always be a part of this family. When we eventually move on from Forks, I would hope you would return to your place by our side. And if you decide to stay… well, try not to miss too many more days of school." With that he winked, breaking the heavy mood and causing me to laugh.
He stood up and walked to the door. As he reached it, he turned back towards me one last time: "True love is a rare and precious gift. I would weigh it heavily in your decision."
Before the door could click shut behind him, a small figure darted into the room.
"Hello, Alice," I said with a small smile.
"Hi Jasper. How are you doing?" she asked.
"Better, I think." I paused. "How is Edward?" I had to know.
"Confused. Hurt. Won't you please talk to him? He looks like he hasn't slept in days."
My stomach clenched. "I just need a little time to think," I said.
"You won't hurt him, Jasper," Alice reassured me. "Physically, that is. You'll keep hurting him if you won't at least talk to him."
"I know. I will talk to him. I just need another day to get my head on straight."
"What's it like, Jasper? Being in love? Is it wonderful?"
Was I in love? Carlisle and Alice seemed to think so. I knew my body responded to him in electrifying ways. I knew the beat of his heart filled me with calm. I knew when I was with him, I felt whole and if anything happened to him, I didn't think I could survive. I already knew the answer, even before I started to consider the question. He was everything to me.
"It's terrifying. Confusing. And yes… unbelievably wonderful."
"That's so nice," Alice said with a wistful sigh.
"It is," I agreed.
That night as I listened to each heart beat, I considered Carlisle's words. I did not have the faith he had, and I wasn't sure I believed that I was touched by the divine in any way. I still felt like a monster; I still felt the differences in our age and experiences were vast and troublesome; I still felt that he was much too good for me, too pure, too beautiful. But when I remembered Carlisle's parting words—that love was a rare and precious gift— the scales completely tipped in the other direction. I still thought Carlisle was wrong in another way too: for me, there no longer was a choice. Walking away from him was an option that had been removed the moment his touch had fractured my heart of stone and filled my hollow chest with his tender affection, transforming me forever.
I stayed home from school for one more day, resolving to speak to him later that night when he returned from practice. That afternoon I heard Alice leaping up the stairs and she burst into my room with a huge smile, saying in a sing-song voice, "You're having company!" She was gone before I could even respond.
A few moments later I heard the unmistakable sound of Edward's car in the driveway and I grew suddenly anxious. Would he even still want me after the way I had acted? I heard Esme greeting Edward and directing him upstairs. I stood nervously waiting for him.
He flung open the door. His magnolia green eyes flashing and his petal soft cheeks flushed with anger. "What the fuck, Jasper?" he spat out.
God, it was so good to see him.
"You don't return my calls for three fucking days? I thought we were friends. Hell, I fucking thought we were more than friends. I thought what we had was pretty special. I'm fucking in love with you and you just run off and ignore me for three whole fucking days? Jesus, Jasper. How do you think that makes me feel?"
I knew how it made him feel. He was hurt, confused, just as Alice had said, and obviously angry. But I couldn't focus on that. My own emotions were overwhelming me at his declaration. I was desperate to take his pain away and I took a step towards him, the words bursting from my chest before I could even consider the wisdom of speaking: "I love you too, Edward."
He stopped his ranting and looked at me with surprise. A slow smile started growing on his face; the force of his happiness almost knocked me backwards.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yes," I answered, taking another step closer.
"Well, okay then," he said, still beaming.
I took the final step separating us from one another and enfolded him in my arms, kissing the top of his head, feeling his soft velvet hair against my face, breathing him in. He felt perfect there; it was where he belonged. "I'm sorry I ran. I just…got a little freaked out. And I'm sorry I didn't return your calls."
He wrapped his arms around my waist and I could feel the heat from his body seeping into my cold form, his heart beat pulsing against my chest, its rhythm reverberating through my entire body, bringing me to life. "That's okay, Jasper. We can take things slowly. It's not a big deal." He was more forgiving than I deserved.
We stood there for a few moments, just holding each other, his chin resting on my shoulder, my face still buried in his hair. If all eternity could be like this, I would gladly live forever.
We eventually pulled apart and stood there smiling stupidly at each other. "So while I'm here, want to play a game of chess?" he asked.
"Sure. That sounds great."
We sat across from each other in the family room, moving the pieces across the board. He lost the first game in a ridiculously low number of moves. His knees bumped up against mine more than usual and I smiled at his poorly concealed efforts to keep touching me. I looked into his smiling unapologetic eyes and grinned back at him, bumping his knees in return. He was adorable.
He was mine.
A/N: Thank you so much to everyone reading and reviewing, and alerting and favoriting. As always, a huge thank you to the awesome and incredible OnTheTurningAway who helps make everything better and to my wonderful Twilighted(dot)net validation beta, Beautiful_Distraction.
Thank you also to mycrookedsmile who made my story a Pwn of the Week on The Fictionators blog! You can see it here: http:/www(dot)fictionators(dot)com/pwn-of-the-week/pwns-of-the-week-52710/. I was also nominated for a Shimmer Award for Best New Author. My gorgeous banner by black(dot)orchid78 was also recognized. Thank you! You can see the list of nominees here: http:/shimmerawards(dot)webs(dot)com/nominees(dot)htm.
I've contributed an E/J AH one shot to the Fics for Tennessee/Nashville Flood Relief. That's my home state and I have lots of peeps there. Donate to flood relief and you'll get a pile of good fic in return! You can find out more here: http:/community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/ficsfornash/.
If you're interested in reading the full texts of the title poems or the poems referenced in the story, you can find them on my blog, and if you want to talk about the story, come visit the thread on Twilighted (links on my Profile).