Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
Rated M for language, sexuality, graphic violence.
" I love the handful of the earth you are.
Because of its meadows, vast as a planet,
I have no other star. You are my replica
of the multiplying universe."
- Pablo Neruda, "Sonnet XVI," l. 1-4
Chapter 17 – The Multiplying Universe
JPOV
Alaska's vast untouched wilderness became home to my grief. After settling in with Tanya Valková—as her visiting cousin—it wasn't long before I sought refuge in the familiar compulsion to run. We had spoken little since I had arrived at her home in Healy. I knew Carlisle had filled her in on my reasons for leaving Forks, and she seemed to sense my reticence to talk. She was gracious and welcoming, but left me in peace. Knowing that Alice and Carlisle would be calling frequently to check up on me, I let her know I would be hunting and would be gone for an extended period of time. I didn't want them to worry; I had caused the ones I loved enough pain.
My feet flew across miles of white in Alaska's interior, over frozen rivers and icy tundra. I ran through acres of taiga, the plentiful conifers coated with layers of snow and frost, the ground crunching underfoot as the spongy ground cover gave way beneath my weight. I drank from caribou and moose, wishing the grizzlies weren't in hibernation, aching to feel teeth and claws assailing my skin.
Hours of daylight were few, and even those were more than I felt I deserved. I deserved the long hours of night, the bitter relentless cold. I took to climbing the craggy peaks of the Alaskan Range, heading to elevations that would trouble human lungs, reminding myself of my terrible otherness. I welcomed the unpredictable storms that would rage against the mountainside, the windblown snow blinding me in swirls of white. The sub zero temperatures chilled me to the core and I wondered what would happen if I stilled and let the snow accumulate over me. Would I become buried deeper and deeper as the years passed? Would I eventually turn to ice, the mountain a tomb encasing me for eternity?
Through it all, through the hours of darkness, the frigid temperatures, the miles of untamed terrain, I ached. My pain was like a living thing, trying to crawl out of my chest, and if released, would radiate outwards like an atomic blast, causing glaciers to break free and avalanches to thunder down.
I would return to Tanya's warm, comfortable home between excursions, staying only long enough to assure my family I was coping, desperately trying to refrain from asking about Edward, but always caving in to my weakness, unable to simply not know.
Then the guilt would overtake me, guilt for loving him in the first place, for allowing him to love me. Guilt for leaving him.
For wanting to stay.
And once again, I'd run.
#####
Carlisle had told me a little bit about the Denali coven before I arrived. There were five of them all together: the three sisters, Tanya, Irina and Kate; and a mated couple, Carmen and Eleazar. Carmen and Eleazar were originally from Spain. They had joined up with the sisters hundreds of years after the three women had been turned. Their shared adoption of a "vegetarian" lifestyle gave them a common bond. The couple had returned to their home country several months prior to my arrival and weren't expected back for quite some time. It wasn't unusual for them to travel separately, sometimes for years at a stretch, but they always rejoined with the Valková sisters. They were a family.
I thought about my time with the Cullens, how they had welcomed Alice and me into their home and into their lives. Emmett had been a true brother to me, especially in the aftermath of the attack. I remembered how they had all rallied round, keeping me from harm, taking care of Edward, managing the details. Carlisle had been so concerned that I would go off on my own again. He had repeatedly told me that they were my family now; I did not have to bear my burdens alone. He considered the Denali coven his family also, even though they lived apart. Such a large group of vampires would have drawn too much attention if they all lived together. I could feel his relief when I had agreed to go to Alaska. He had thanked me, earnestly, giving my shoulder a comforting squeeze.
I hadn't spent much time with the sisters, it's true, but I had to admit that knowing there were others out there waiting for me, waiting to send news back to Forks, gave me the incentive to return time and again, even when I longed to lose myself in the Alaskan wilderness.
Winter gave way to spring and the long hours of darkness ended. As the snow melted and the vegetation burst forth, I felt a longing for home. Whereas before my pain had been a raw open wound, crowding out thoughts of anything but my own agony, now it was a dull throbbing ache, an ache I would be carrying with me always. I'd see the green shoots of new growth and picture Edward's vibrant eyes, crinkled with laughter. I'd see the antler growth of the caribou, its velvet stage covering them with a soft membrane layer, and I'd imagine Edward's red brown hair, his eyes closing in pleasure as I combed my fingers through the silky strands. I saw Edward everywhere, in each tiny leaf, each blade of grass, each call of a red-tailed hawk, each ray of sun that broke through the clouds.
I'd become restless during the long hours of twilight. Sometimes I'd go out to Tanya's studio and watch her work. She was a potter and the studio was located in an outbuilding behind the house. She'd spend hours at the wheel, her hands buried in wet clay, forming it and molding it from shapeless earth to beautiful and functional vessels. I'd watch her become lost in her work, her concentration formidable. Her vampire dexterity allowed her to create perfectly symmetrical pieces, completely flawless. Yet she never sent one to the kiln in such a state. She'd introduce small irregularities—a slight indentation in the lip of a vase, a set of plates with the circumference centimeters off from each of the others. When she made these tiny alterations her lips would quirk up at the corners, almost imperceptibly, even to my keen eyesight. Her hands would caress each piece as if it were a lover.
Of actual lovers, she had many. Healy was located just a few miles north of the entrance to Denali National Park. Her two sisters shared a home in the neighboring town of Cantwell, several miles south. The area attracted a constant stream of visitors from late spring to early fall and all three women took advantage of the steady rotation of outdoor enthusiasts, bringing men home often.
Tanya was beautiful, easily the most beautiful woman I had ever met, aside from Rosalie. But where Rosalie's beauty was cool and intimidating, like a priceless object of art you were afraid to touch, Tanya's was earthy and sensual. She was tiny, smaller than Alice even, but her lush curves exuded a voluptuousness that was impossible for the male gender to resist. Her cheekbones were high, her eyes wide, and her lips full. Her head was topped by a curtain of strawberry blonde that swung down her shoulders, the ends slightly curling just at the curve of her ass.
Tanya's sexual appetite wasn't limited to the local visitors. She made regular trips to Anchorage where she kept a second home. She knew the tour groups who planned expeditions up Mount McKinley and checked out likely prospects before they left for Talkeetna, the small village which provided air transportation to the mountain. She claimed that the men who were just returning from conquering the highest peak in North America made the best lovers, full of confidence and a joy of spirit and unbelievable sexual energy. She wasn't shy talking about her lovers, or of being physical with them in my presence.
I asked her why she lived here in Healy, instead of Anchorage then. She tilted her head toward the mountain, the overpowering presence that dominated the landscape.
"Because of her," she had replied. "Denali. She makes me feel young."
Since I had moved here I learned that no one called the mountain by its presidential moniker. Everyone referred to it by its Athabaskan name—Denali: "The High One."
The sisters were the oldest vampires I had ever met, centuries older than Carlisle even. Tanya estimated they were over two thousand years old; they didn't keep accurate measure back in those days. They were from a small village in central Europe, in what was now Slovakia. Her people were of Celtic origin and I listened with rapt fascination as she regaled me with stories of the history of the region, from Druid rituals to the expansion of the Roman Empire, the arrival of Marcus Aurelius, then eventually the invasion of the Huns and later the Avars.
Even though I had personal experience with the strange disconnect between our personal history and our modern day lives—from a Civil War officer to a high school student—it was still odd to think that the vibrant woman who was currently wrapped around a young hiker, their lips pressed together in a passionate kiss, had lived at a time when Christianity didn't yet exist.
I watched as the young man thrust up against Tanya's body. She was pressed against the wall, her legs circling his waist. One of his hands supported her ass and the other was cupped over her breast, his thumb stroking her nipple. She threw her head back and his mouth was hot against her throat. I could feel the lust radiating off them, a hot, pulsing aching desire and I shut my eyes against the onslaught, memories of Edward cascading through my brain—his body splayed across my own while his hips pressed down against me; warm mouth, wet tongue, soft lips; panting breaths, ragged cries; straining muscles, his body convulsing against my own, exquisite release; my beautiful boy.
My heart clenched with longing.
I opened my eyes to see frantic hands tugging at clothing. The man's shirt was off and Tanya's mouth and hands were trailing over his chest, down his stomach, unfastening his pants and pushing them down his thighs. As his erection was freed, she took it into her mouth, her hands holding his hips as he rhythmically moved between her lips. He stared down at her, enraptured, his hands sinking into her hair as she took him deep into her throat. His grunts and moans of pleasure drifted out into the night, and if I shut my eyes I could imagine it was Edward, coming undone under the touch of my hand.
His gasps were coming faster now and I listened to his desperate murmurs of appreciation, his control slipping. I opened my eyes again to observe him and was met with his piercing stare as he finally noticed my presence. I could feel the spike of arousal as he absorbed me watching him, then his attention was back on Tanya as her mouth and lips and hands and tongue brought him to a powerful climax.
I ran, their cries echoing in my ears, aching for what I had lost.
Thoughts of Edward consumed me. I turned each report from Alice over and over in my mind, alternating between doubting my decision when I learned of his struggles and being further convinced I had made the correct choice. His friends and his family had surrounded him with support. He was healing physically. He only needed time to get past his heartbreak. I ignored the pangs I experienced any time I thought of Edward moving on from loving me. He deserved better.
When the wilderness offered me no respite, I took to haunting the café outside of town. It was family run and always bustling at meal times. I preferred the early evening, after the dinner rush had come and gone and it had quieted down to a comfortable steady lull. I'd sit at the counter and drink my coffee, appreciating the server who never tried to engage me in conversation. I thought back to a time long ago when I used to gravitate towards populated areas and to the small diners where I would seek refuge from my loneliness. I knew it wasn't the human interaction I was looking for this time, however. When the coffee passed my lips, the bitter flavor coating my tongue, I felt closer to Edward than any time else.
Tanya discovered my new habit and began to join me some evenings. We'd get a small table in a corner and lean towards each other on our elbows to talk quietly. At first she had been puzzled by my coffee consumption, aware that I would have to regurgitate it later. If I hadn't clung so tightly to the memories of drinking coffee with Edward, allowing the hot liquid to warm my lips, the mug to warm my hands, the taste of it on our tongues, I might have been embarrassed. Instead, she received my explanation with sympathy, reaching out a hand to cover my own, then lightening the mood with a joke about the indigestible proteins she frequently swallowed.
"Tell me about him," she said one evening as we sat quietly in the café.
So I did, talking for hours until the staff was lifting chairs up onto the tables around us. When they asked us to leave so they could lock up, we went to the pub to continue our conversation. I poured out everything, the way he brought me to life, my deep love for him, his steadfast belief in me. I told her of the events that caused me to leave, the attack on Edward and my deadly response. She knew the general story from Carlisle, but I told her everything… my guilt, my shame, my self loathing. She made no judgment, only listened as I allowed my pain to bleed out, openly on display.
We parted ways when we left the pub, Tanya accepting the attentions of one of the other patrons who had been admiring her for the past hour; I, with my heart freshly torn open, to run into the night, the bitterness in my stomach worth the taste of Edward on my lips.
The next time Tanya and sat and talked over coffee in the café, she told me about fertility rituals of her Celtic tribe, the human sacrifices they had made to ensure a healthy crop yield.
The time after she told me about how she and her sisters had eventually adopted the vegetarian lifestyle. They were the original succubi; legends had arisen about them, demons who took human form, beautiful and seductive, leading men to their deaths.
"I loved them," she had told me, "these marvelous human men, so warm and beautiful. We took such pleasure in each other—that part hasn't changed," she added with a wink. "And then I would drink. Their deaths made me sad, but what could I do? It was what we were."
"What changed?" I asked.
"Sasha was the one who discovered we could survive on animal blood."
She had mentioned Sasha before, the vampire who had turned her and her sisters. She didn't speak of her much.
"I suppose it was a mother's love," she mused with a shadow of sadness behind her eyes. "She couldn't bear to see her daughters upset, which we inevitably were as time wore on."
She was lost in thought. "I can still remember them all, you know?" she said offhandedly, looking past me into the distance. "All my lovers. I can see their faces even now." Her eyes met mine and she stared intently. "I loved them all. But not in the way you love your Edward," she added. "I envy you." For a moment she reminded me of Alice and I felt a pang of homesickness that threatened to overwhelm me.
When we next met, I asked, "Tell me about Sasha. What happened to her?" I knew the Volturi had killed her, but I didn't know the details.
I felt her sadness, deep and sharp like a knife. I felt a kinship with her then that I don't think I had appreciated before. She too had known loss, a loss maybe more powerful than my own. I regarded her curiously.
"You've heard of the immortal children, haven't you?" she asked.
"I have." They were taboo…forbidden. Eternity was cruel enough without being trapped inside a child's body. And with the self control of children, they could not be trusted to keep our kind secret. Any who dared to create a vampire child was swiftly destroyed, and the child along with them.
He face took on a faraway look. "His name was Vasilii. He was beloved."
My face must have betrayed my shock.
"Oh, I know they're anathema, that most of our kind regard even the idea with horror, but you would have to meet a vampire child to know how completely irresistible they are. How lovable. Worth risking everything for.
"I have no idea what possessed her to turn him. In the beginning I was jealous… hurt. Were her three daughters not enough for her? But it didn't take long before we all loved him. We would have done anything to keep him secret.
"The Volturi found out somehow, and their retribution was swift." Tanya brought up a shaky hand to lean her forehead against, shading her eyes from my view. I could feel the anguish radiating off her. "Sasha and Vasilii were destroyed right before our eyes."
"We're supposed to be immortal, you know," she continued. "But our time will end one day; I'm sure of it.
"We're not like Denali," she said with a small smile, bringing her hand away from her face. "I know there are some who are older than we three, but I have not met many, and I have known many more who are no longer with us."
I knew what she meant. I had fought in the southern wars, after all, where the life of an immortal was often measured in a year's time. Tanya herself was the oldest vampire I had ever been in contact with. Before her, Carlisle had seemed ancient to me, yet he wasn't even a quarter her age.
"Anyway," she said thoughtfully, "watching my mother and Vasilii be destroyed… it changed me. It changed us all." She paused, a wry expression crossing her face. "Forever isn't as long as it used to be."
#####
The nights grew longer and again I'd feel the pull of the wilderness. I had thought that the more time I was apart from Edward, the easier it would become. Instead, the burning ache in my chest grew stronger. I missed him, almost unbearably. I started to wonder if any amount of time would ease the pain. I began to suspect my longing would only grow, a festering thing inside of me, driving out any hope of happiness.
I ran, far to the north, to the land of the midnight sun. At this time of year, of course, I was met with polar night. I stood on the edge of the Arctic Ocean, the icy wind buffeting my skin. There was no light, no warmth, only darkness and cold, and bitter loneliness. It had been over a year since I had left Forks, over a year since I had seen Edward's smile, over a year since his scent had filled my lungs, grounding me, giving me peace. Despair was creeping in with the cold, a future of endless night stretching before me.
I missed him.
I missed my family.
When I returned to Healy, I called Alice on the phone, wanting to hear a voice from home.
She was surprised to hear from me. "Jasper!" It wasn't often one could surprise Alice and I took pleasure in her obvious delight. She was a freshman in college now, at the University of Washington, the same school Edward had decided to attend. She was doing just as I had asked—watching out for him. I closed my eyes imagining her face as she chattered happily, telling me about her classes, what the family had been up to.
"I miss you, Jasper," she said after her torrent of words had slowed.
"I miss you too." As always, I couldn't stop myself from asking. "How is Edward?"
She sighed. "He's… the same. He doesn't smile much, but classes seem to be going well. He's made some friends on campus." She paused and I could tell she was weighing whether to tell me something.
"What is it?" I asked. "There's something more."
"He's… seeing someone," she said hesitantly.
The frozen north seemed to congeal in my veins; it was as if an icicle had pierced right through my heart. I stilled and turned to stone. My silence began to alarm Alice.
"Jasper?" she asked anxiously. "Are you okay?"
"I have to go," I stammered out. I hung up the phone, her worried voice reaching my ears until the line was disconnected.
I ran, far and fast. I scaled the steepest peak I could find, struggling up icy walls, my fingers digging deep into the mountain side. When I reached the summit I released a yell, crying out my anguish to the heavens. A wall of snow broke away and thundered down below, picking up speed as it gained in mass. The roar was deafening. When it settled, the silence surrounded me, wrapping me in emptiness.
Was this not what I had wanted? For Edward to have the kind of life I could not give him? Should I not be happy for him? The snow began to fall. I watched the flakes land on my skin, their geometric shapes retaining their form, instead of melting as they would on a living thing. What right had I to be upset? Still, I was devastated and my heart filled with despair.
Tanya wasn't home when I arrived back in Healy. Restless and troubled, I was desperate for company; I did not want to be alone. I ran down to Cantwell hoping to find either Irina or Kate at home.
I could hear the beat of a human heart before I even knocked on the door. Irina, hearing my approach, called for me to enter. After I was inside I saw a beautiful young man embraced between her and Laurent, a nomad vampire who had been staying with them for a few weeks. He had been passing through the area, traveling with two other nomads, and decided to stay, intrigued by their vegetarian lifestyle.
They were all in a state of arousal. I could smell it, as well as feel their lust. "Look what we found at the bar," Irina said in a suggestive tone. "Isn't he lovely?"
I nodded, noting the flush on the man's cheeks, his eyes closed as he enjoyed the feel of Laurent's body pressed up against his back. Irina's hand was on his crotch, palming his erection while her lips were pressed against his throat.
"Would you like to join us?" she asked.
The man's eyes opened and looked at me with interest. I was stunned by the color, the green shade so similar to the boy I loved.
I swallowed the venom pooling in my mouth and shook my head no. He looked disappointed.
Irina shrugged her shoulders at my response. "Feel free to stay," she tossed out casually as she returned her attention to the beautiful human.
He stared at me for a few minutes while Irina and Laurent caressed him all over, removing his clothes so that their lips and hands could touch his body. I watched him shiver, goose bumps breaking out on his flesh, as their cool skin came in contact with his own. Soon, however, his body temperature had risen, fueled by his excitement.
I watched him kneel down and take Laurent's cock into his mouth, sucking it and stroking it, licking the head, taking it deep until Laurent released into his mouth with a strangled cry.
Laurent pulled him up into a passionate kiss and stroked his erection with slow gentle pulls until the man was panting into his mouth. Irina was watching, her fingers plucking at her nipples, her hand reaching between her legs to stroke her clit.
"I'm going to fuck you while you fuck her," Laurent whispered into his mouth, catching his gasping cry between his lips.
The man pulled Irina roughly toward him, rubbing his erection against her, their tongues wrapping around each other's in a frantic dance. They sunk down onto the plush carpet and he entered her swiftly, low moans emitting from their mouths. Laurent knelt behind him slicking his hole with a lubed finger as the man thrust slowly in and out of Irina. When he was prepared, Laurent replaced his finger with his cock and pushed slowly into his body. His shoulders tensed, back arched as he reveled in the dual sensations, his cock embraced by Irina below him, his ass being filled by Laurent from behind.
The three of them moved in an age old rhythm and I shut my eyes, letting the sounds of their coupling wash over me, feeling their pleasure pulsing through me. In my mind I saw my beautiful Edward, his body pressed close to mine. The man's heartbeat accelerated and I heard Edward's pulse, hammering against my chest. I heard the cries as he filled Irina's body and I saw Edward's face as he fell apart in my arms.
I opened my eyes and could only see Edward, another man thrusting into his body, someone else's hands on his skin, another's lips on his mouth. Edward, who used to be mine, but was mine no longer. As Laurent claimed the green eyed man I was filled with a helpless rage. I tore my eyes away from the sight and stumbled toward the door, fleeing into the night while knowing there was no escape from my pain.
The winter was long, but eventually the hours of daylight lengthened and I resumed my visits to the café. I had tried to let Edward go, tried to forget about his scent, his eyes, his skin, his touch, but I couldn't give up the taste of his lips on mine.
Tanya slid into the seat beside me.
"You look terrible," she said.
"Do I?" I asked bleakly, staring out at Denali, wishing I could no longer feel, that I could turn my heart back to a hunk of stone.
"Why don't you go to him?" she asked me.
"You know why," I answered. I had told her my reasons. I had to protect him.
"Tell me again. I've forgotten."
I shot her an annoyed look.
"Humor me," she prompted.
"I'm too dangerous. I could easily kill him."
"Hmmm," she responded, looking unconvinced. I supposed that argument was difficult to sustain now that I had witnessed first hand the number of men with whom the sisters had been intimate, all of them surviving with nary a bruise, unless they had wanted it a little rough.
"I have difficulty controlling my bloodlust. It's too risky."
"Did you not hold him in your arms while he bled?"
I winced, the painful memory fresh in my mind. "Yes, and I lost control and killed someone, and almost killed my own brother."
"Hmmm," she said again.
"What does that mean?" I asked with irritation.
"You were protecting your mate. I don't see it as the same at all." Carlisle had said as much to me before. I could feel myself wanting to be swayed by their arguments.
Yet still, I knew the truth. I knew that deep inside, a part of me had wanted Edward to be turned. I wanted him with me forever. And for that I could never forgive myself.
Tanya was watching my face carefully. "Do you remember when I told you about the Druidic rituals, from my time as a human?"
"Yes, of course."
"They would seem barbaric today. I know you've had similar thoughts about the war you were engaged in before you were turned."
"That's true." I had long ago had to work through my conflicting feelings about the Civil War.
"I know how you see yourself, Jasper. As a soulless monster, damned for all eternity. And were you to turn your Edward, you'd be condemning him to the same fate."
"Do you not believe we are damned?" I asked with genuine curiosity.
"I think we all cling to the relics of the time in which we were born. Carlisle is a very religious man. I know he'd say that the very fact that you question whether you have a soul is proof that you have one."
"What do you think?"
"I do not hate the life I have before me. I was a human before Christianity existed. We believed that every rock, every tree, every human contained a spirit. Not souls in the Christian sense… more of a life force, an energy. Scholars today sometimes refer to the belief as animism."
The image of Tanya at her potter's wheel popped into my mind, her hands caressing the wet clay as she formed it from raw earth into something new.
"Do you still believe that?" I asked her.
"As I said, we cling to our pasts, to pieces of our human lives."
I took that to mean yes.
"I told you that Sasha and Vasilii's death changed me."
I nodded.
"I no longer look at this form of flesh and stone as immortal," she gestured to her figure as she spoke. "One day they were here, and in the next moment they were gone. But the love I have for them is a strong today as it was hundreds of years ago."
She smiled softly at me before continuing. "These bodies, that mountain," she said, indicating the ever present Denali, her form rising in the distance, "flesh, stone, ice, rock… they're transitory. External forms that will one day change. Only love is eternal."
She reached over and took my hand. "None of it is bearable without love, Jasper. Whether human or vampire. I don't see your desire to turn Edward as proof you're a monster. On the contrary, I think it shows how human you are. Why wouldn't you want to keep such a precious gift with you always?"
She looked at me with that same wistfulness that had reminded me of Alice. "Were we all so lucky as to love and be loved as you and your Edward."
Over the next few weeks I thought about our conversation constantly, turning over my arguments in my mind, picking apart my reasoning, wondering anew if I had done the right thing.
Alice called again, and I hesitated to answer the phone, missing her terribly, but knowing I wouldn't be able to stop myself from asking about Edward. I didn't think I could bear to hear about him with someone else again. My need to hear Alice's voice, however, won out over my fear.
We talked for a while and I basked in her affection, letting all the bits of news from home ease some of my longing. Eventually, she asked, "Don't you want to know about Edward?" I took in a quick breath, bracing myself. Of course I did, but I wasn't sure I could stand it. I shut my eyes, preparing for the onslaught of pain.
"Of course I do. You know I do."
"The school year's over, and he and his family are spending the summer in Mexico. He did well in his classes. He smiles a little more than he used to."
My heart clenched. I missed his beautiful smile so much.
"He's not seeing that boy any more," she added softly. "They broke up."
I felt a spike of joy which was quickly replaced with guilt. I should want him to find happiness.
For a moment I allowed myself to indulge in precious memories—the two of us in the shower, our hands roaming over each other's bodies as the water streamed down, Edward saying, "The rest of eternity still wouldn't be enough time to spend with you." His face leaning over me as I climaxed beneath him: "Thank you for trusting me." Edward, distraught in the hospital, sobbing, "I only want you."
"When are you coming home?" Alice asked next, as she always did.
I hesitated. Instead of the usual, "I'm not coming home," I heard myself saying, "I'm… not sure."
"He still loves you, you know," Alice said next. "We all do. I really miss you."
"I miss you too, Alice. I'll talk to you soon. Give my love to everyone."
After more words of love and affection, I hung up the phone.
I wandered outside, lost in thought, and looked up at Denali, her peaks shining in the blazing sun. Then I was running again, running towards the mountain, wondering if she could somehow give me the answers I sought.
I climbed toward the summit, stopping at a spot near the 14,000-foot camp that was referred to by climbers as Edge of the World. I looked out and could see Hunter peak and Foraker. Below me was the Kahiltna Glacier, sweeping out to the tundra, white eventually fading to green.
I thought about what Tanya had told me, how everything changes, how even this glacier, this ancient mass of ice would eventually cease to exist. Even now it moved imperceptibly, the shifting temperatures causing slight melts and drifts. I understood what Tanya meant about Denali making her feel young. Up here I felt insignificant, a tiny speck in the cosmos, my hundred plus years a mere fraction of a fraction of a second. Even less than that.
I thought about the teeming life of the Alaskan wilderness, the bear sweeping up the salmon in its claws, the eagle diving to capture a meal. For the first time in a long time I thought about Peter and Charlotte, how they had accepted their change and the drinking of human blood. From up here, I could finally see my place in the universe. I was not some hideous monster, more horrible and terrifying than any other predator, no more evil than others of our kind. I was simply Jasper, a vampire, brother, son… lover.
Tanya was right. When all else faded around us, when our bodies crumbled to dust, love would remain.
I was suddenly overtaken by an urgency, by the knowledge that time was fleeting and I had wasted too much already. Although I knew my concerns and fears had basis in truth, they seemed to crumble away in light of these new revelations. Carlisle had also been right. If I had not harmed Edward when he was injured and bleeding, my bloodlust aroused by the instinct to protect my mate, I never would. There could be no situation more stressful and taxing than that. Everything in me had struggled to keep him from harm. My fears about getting close to him sexually had been put to rest after all my time with the Valková sisters. They had shown me it was possible for vampires and humans to be physically close. My venomous fluids wouldn't kill him; I would not succumb and drink. Finally, I remembered the look in his eyes as my nature was revealed, how he stared when I snapped the neck of his attacker. He did not recoil in fear; he only looked at me with love.
How I wanted to see that look in his eyes again. I would give anything.
I raced down the mountain, my path sure. I was done with my foolish exile. I would go to him and beg his forgiveness. I would never leave him again. I loved him, and I hoped he still loved me. He was my mate and we belonged together, for the rest of our days, however many they might be.
A weight lifted from me as the decision was made. My heart was full of joy, singing with hope. I heard the phone ringing as I entered Tanya's home and smiled seeing Alice's name on the display.
She knew. I was coming home.
AN: By now you probably suspect I'm a big fat liar when I say I'll get to review replies. But… I really will! I'm sorry for getting so far behind. I appreciate your comments so much and I can't wait to tell you personally.
Special thanks to OnTheTurningAway, the most awesomest beta ever! And, as always, thank you to my Twilighted(dot)net validation beta, Beautiful_Distraction.
Huge thank yous to everyone who nominated my story for The Slash Awards! I Wept Not was nominated in seven categories: Best Vampire, Best Darkward/Darksper, Best Work in Progress, Best Angst, Best I Love You, Best Handjob, Best First Kiss. My lovely banner, made by black(dot)orchid78, was also recognized. I'm overwhelmed and very grateful. Please check out the list of nominees and read some fabulous fic, then place your votes for your favorites! Voting is open until September 24th. http:/theslashawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/