Since Alex moved in with me I thought it was about time to get rid of some old boxes which belonged to my mother. So I decided to start with the attic, next would be the office and then basement. I actually found some Christmas decoration in the attic. But I couldn't remember that we even celebrated Christmas. But I thought maybe one year I would celebrate Christmas with my family. So I decided to keep the decorations. I also found some boxes with my old stuff. There was this cute knit cap and my Anatomy Jane. But the rest of the boxes were stuff no one needed. I found more surgical tapes in my mother's old office and a lot of medical books and journals. I decided to keep them. They would be helpful while we were studying and doing research. So we had our own little library. I decided to turn my mother's office into our library. And I would set up an office in the spare room I had no use for. We didn't need a guest room. So it would be nice to have an office. But the big surprise was waiting for me in the basement. There were five boxes. I thought I would be walkover to go through the last five boxes. But every box contains journals. My mother's journal. And the craziest thing about this was that my mother had journals. I never thought that she was the type of person who had a journal. I brought to boxes up to my room. I didn't want Alex or Christina finding out about this. I didn't really know my mother but the thought to get to know her was so exciting. I didn't want to share this. Not even with my family. I went through the boxes and found the journals she wrote while she did her internship at Seattle Grace Hospital. I was born when she did her internship there. So I grew up in this hospital. Waiting on the surgical floor and hoping she would notice me. I was really interested why she didn't pay attention to me while she was an intern. But I wasn't prepared for the things I was going to find out about my mother. It pulled off the ground under my feet. And now I couldn't go back. And I had no idea how to handle this fact. This can't be true. This can't be happening. Why would she do that? Every time I asked her she just told me that she didn't know. She knew it. All the time she knew it and she didn't tell me. This was too much for me. I couldn't handle the fact. I closed the journal and put it back into the box. I took the boxes and brought them up to the attic and hoped that no one would ever go up there and find these boxes. I locked up the door to the attic and hid the key. I just wanted to forget but I had no idea how I could forget the things I read. I had no idea how I could go to back to work in the morning. Pretending that I didn't knew things. But the question was does anyone else know? No way was I going to open the Pandora's Box. "Just forget about everything you read Meredith. This never happened." I told myself.
The house was quiet. Alex was on call this night. So I had the house to myself. And my mind was spinning. I just couldn't process what I just read. A few weeks ago I told good bye to Jose but tonight I definitely need Jose. I took out the tequila of the cabinet in the living room where Alex and I kept the liquor. And need the much of this stuff tonight. I just want to forget. I opened the bottle and took a big gulp of the burning liquor. I knew tonight I would drink a lot of the liquor. I was sitting on the couch. My legs crossed and the bottle of the tequila in my hands. I stared at the fire place. When everything came back to my mind. This was my cue that I hadn't enough tequila so I kept drinking. But this time I wasn't able to control my mind. All the things for the latest events flood my mind. Derek. Married. Christina and Alex. My mother. My father. I had a father. But I wasn't the guy I always assumed was my father. But did he know that I am his daughter? Did my mother told him the truth or was she lying to him too? It was too much for me. I kept drinking and drinking until everything felt numb. And I kept drinking over the numbness I already felt. I kept drinking until I lost consciousness. Everything went black and at the same time everything felt so warm.
The waking up was hard. I had the worst headache and hangover ever. Since I woke up I hugged my toilet. I was busy throwing up and I knew could not work today. Alex was knocking at my door and telling that I would be late for work. I didn't answer him. After a few minutes he gave up and yelled that he was going to bed. The next break between my throw ups I would use to call in sick. I just wasn't able to go to work. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to face the reality.
A few hours later I heard Alex getting ready for work and leaving the house. I was hiding in my room all day because I didn't want him to see me like this and I definitely didn't want him to know that I called in sick. And right now I just wanted to feel the numbness from last night. Thank god we had a good stock of liquor. I sat at the same spot like the night before with tequila in my lap. And I kept drinking and drinking and trying to shut out the realty. And I was working. The numbness came sooner than I thought. And it felt good. I felt good. I felt like I could conquer the world. And I kept drinking until the unconsciousness came.
And the history repeated itself day after day. A whole week has passed until Alex found my passed out body on the floor in the living room and an empty bottle of tequila. That's when he realized what was going on. That I was drinking every night of the last week. He carried me to my bed. He spent the whole time in bed waiting for me to wake up.
I slowly woke up. I hadn't had a headache. My body got used to the liquor I consumed. I opened my eyes and I saw the worry all written over Alex' face.
"What's going on Mer?" he asked concerned.
"Nothing is going on. I drank a little too much last night." I told him annoyed.
"I didn't show up for work. Talk to me. What's going on?"
"Nothing is going on Alex. I was sick okay. I had the stomach flu. And since yesterday I feel much better. So I had a drink." I nearly yelled at him. I got up and went to the bathroom.
"This is not over Mer. You know I'm there for you when you are ready to talk."
"Whatever. I'm going to be late for work."