Finally after a couple of weeks Castle has calmed down enough to be able to have a civilized conversation with Esposito. He is the last one to arrive at the restaurant. He takes his seat at the table, and looks at the pair of people sitting with him. He looks at Javier questioningly.
"I thought we were going to meet alone," he comments.
"Lanie insisted on coming when I told her why we were meeting," Javi reveals.
"Why?" Castle wonders.
"Have you heard from her?" Lanie responds.
"No."
"It's been two weeks. That's cold," Javier adds.
"I am really angry at her. I'm really angry at you."
"Not as angry as I am at myself, bro," Javier points out.
"Castle why did you drag us here?" Dr. Parrish queries.
"I have been over everything in my head a thousand times. I was so angry with her. Every time I think about it I get angrier, because none of this makes any sense. Kate wouldn't do something like this."
"People do stupid things sometimes," Espo reminds them, "I think you're just in denial."
"I'm not in denial," Castle points out.
"What are you saying?" Lanie wonders.
"There is something wrong. I know Kate. She would never do this," Castle explains.
"I completely agree."
Javier shoots Lanie a look. He cocks an eyebrow, "You do?"
"Yeah," she nods.
"I was writing, trying to get my mind off of things, but how can I when she is the inspiration for my main character? As I was sitting there typing I realized how out of character this was for her. I could consider that Nikki Heat might do something like this, but she's fictional. Beckett, she would never do anything like this."
"I can't get the way she looked at me, when she told me out of my head. When she left, I almost felt like she was relieved," Lanie adds.
"The two of you care about her, it seems to me like you're just trying to give her a way out of this. There is no way out this time. Neither of us can take back what happened. We can't take back the pain that we caused. We can't reverse the damage. Why are the two of you trying to defend her? There is no defending what she did."
"I am so angry at her. I want to hate her, so badly, but I can't. I hate cheaters. I should hate her, but she's different. She has always been different. She is the one person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with."
Javier shakes his head in disbelief, "How can you imagine that? She betrayed you. I betrayed you. She didn't even think about how this would hurt you. She just threw caution to the wind. Why are you still trying to fight for her? Man lick your wounds and move on."
"I can't. I wish that I could, but she is all that I think about."
"Castle you sound like a love sick fool," Esposito points out.
"You're right. I still love her, even though I don't want to. I don't want to love her. I want to let her go, but I just keep thinking that none of this makes sense. Why would she do something like this?"
"Sometimes there is no reason," Javier tries to steer him away from a path of no return.
"There is always a reason. I don't know what it is, but there is always a reason," he looks at Javier, "Do you know what it is?"
Esposito looks at Lanie, and then at Castle. "No, but it's almost like she is cutting us off. Do you guys feel like she intentionally caused upheaval so that..." he trails off.
Castle cuts her off, "I don't think that it was ever her intention to get pregnant. It is evident to me that getting pregnant was never part of her plan."
Lanie continues with his thought, "She just wanted to make us angry enough that we wouldn't want to be part of her life anymore."
"Yeah, but why? Her behavior the past few months has been so out of character. It's almost as if she's acting like she has nothing to lose," Javi offers.
Lanie looks at Castle as if she's just had a light bulb moment, "Not the past few months. The past couple of years. She never would have started a relationship with you, under normal circumstances. We all saw it, but she refused to. She would never act on it, because she takes her sense of professionalism too seriously. Something changed. Something triggered her to decide that she didn't care anymore."
Esposito nods, "Two years ago? She was shot. Maybe it was just a wake up call."
Castle shakes his head, "No, Lanie is right. Something happened that made her decide to go for what she wanted, because she had nothing left to lose. Lanie can you get her medical records from her hospital stay?"
"I want to help you, but I'm not going to put my license on the line for this."
"What if she's dying?" Castle brings up, seemingly out of nowhere.
"What?!" Javier furrows his brow.
"What if she's dying?" he repeats.
"Don't say something like that unless you have some proof," Javier insists.
"I don't have a license, or a badge to be afraid of losing. I already lost her, so what is left for me to lose if I get caught? I'll find proof."
"Do we even know if she's still pregnant?" Lanie quizzes.
"Do we even know if she's still alive? She hasn't contacted any of us in two weeks," Espo pulls no punches.
"I have to find those records."
She sits in her D.C. apartment, in the living room surrounded by some unpacked boxes. She stares at an unopened bottle of scotch that sits on her coffee table. Earlier in the day she started unpacking boxes, and found it. Certainly Castle stuck it there, for himself. She shakes her head, as she reaches for her waist. She pulls the gun off her belt, and places it on the table next to the bottle of scotch.
She hasn't heard from anyone important in her life for two weeks. Since returning to D.C. her life has only been about work. It will be easy enough to disappear. It will be easy enough to drink enough scotch to get up the nerve. Not that she even cares for scotch, but then again, these days there are a lot of things that she doesn't care for, in her life. She has little that she wants, and nothing that she needs.
It will be all too easy open the bottle, and jump into it. No amount of scotch can make her forget. Her eyes move from the bottle of alcohol, to the gun. Once she reaches the point of no return she could reach for the one thing that has always been by her side. She'll cock it, and put it to her temple. She won't hesitate. She won't miss. It will be easy.
She can't bear the thought of them finding her there. She refuses to think of their faces, when they realize what she's done. She looks at the gun, and the bottle. Then she looks to her left. Next to the bottle is something else. She reaches for it. She lifts the piece of paper off the table. She stares at it in silence.
She doesn't have enough strength to will away the tears, anymore. She has blinked them away too many times before. They trail down her face as she stares at the black and white image. She wonders how one two dimensional, black and white picture can change so much. How could one mistake change everything, forever? She feels sorry, but not for herself. The guilt eats at her, as she sits there, alone. She traces the outline of the picture. Above the image is her name, and the date. Something, someone who belongs to her.
"I'm sorry," she admits as she looks down at her abdomen, which visually, is unchanged. She puts her hand on her flat stomach. "What have I done?"
She reaches for her phone. She stares at the blank screen trying to decide who to call. She's managed to alienate everyone she cares about. She places the phone in front of her, on the coffee table. She is sitting there, with tears streaming down her face, feeling sorry for herself, all alone, on a Saturday night, when someone knocks on her door. She slowly, and begrudgingly rises from her seat on the couch. She pads to the door in her bare feet. She looks out the peephole. She stares at the figure on the other side in confusion.