Disclaimer: AtS and its characters don't belong to me. They're the creation of Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy and the WB. No infringement intended, their use here is for entertainment purposes only. The words are my own, however - please don't borrow or steal them. Thanks.

Spoilers: None in particular this chapter

Author's Note: I'm cranking up the angst in this chapter. Sorry.

Just a little note about reviews. I know the show's been over for a while and the fandom isn't what it once was, but I'm a little sad at the lack of response I've been getting for this story. I can see from the stats that people are reading, but no one's reviewing. Now, reviews aren't the only reason I write, and I'm certainly not going to stop just because I'm not getting any feedback, but I would love it if a few of you that are reading would just take a second or two to let me know whether or not you like where the story's going. Or, you know, if you hate it. Come on guys, reviews equal a happy writer.

Much love and many thanks to those who have reviewed so far. Hope you're still with me.

Chapter Twelve

They had stayed up researching all night. A few times, each of them had briefly thought of suggesting to the others that they take a break, get a few hours' sleep. But they all knew that it was not an option. So they kept themselves going with one thought. Cordelia Chase.

They had already learned a great deal. Wesley had found references to Angel and Cordelia's destinies in the Nyazian prophecy, further confirmation that their souls were indeed linked. And Kathy and Angel had found the gypsy ritual.

"The Journey into the Land of Darkness," Angel read. "This is it."

"What does it involve?" Wesley asked.

"It's a blood vengeance ritual. The victim is fed 'the blood of innocents' and is forced into a dark trance, where they experience all the horrors they've ever committed in their lives. Little by little, it strips them of their soul and they become a 'shade', a soulless creature with no purpose, no path, only pain."

"But surely that would only work on a person who had committed truly evil acts," Wesley said. "What are they planning to torture Cordelia with? The fact that she teased girls in high school for not wearing that season's designer labels?"

"I don't think they're planning on torturing Cordelia with her own past misdeeds," Kathy said, looking at Angel.

He frowned, grimly. "They're going to use mine."

She nodded. "Given the connection you share, I'd say that's likely. And the really worrying thing is, with that connection, you're in danger of losing your soul when Cordelia does."

"But that would bring Angelus!" Wesley said, stunned. "But why on earth… surely they know what he's capable of."

"Of course they do," Kathy said. "But they don't care. It's not about right or wrong, good or evil."

"It's about vengeance," Angel said.

Just then, Gunn came through the doors to the lobby, carrying five steaming cups of coffee and a box of donuts. He smiled. "Morning. Thought y'all could use some caffeine after an all-nighter. I know I could. Where's Cordy?"

"What do you mean, where's Cordy?" Angel asked. "I thought you were watching her."

Gunn looked confused. "I was, man. She came out of the apartment and got in her car. Drove this way. I figured she was coming straight here, so I stopped off and got breakfast."

"Did anything seem strange when you saw her?" Wesley asked.

"Now that you mention it," Gunn said. "She had a couple of bags with her. You know, suitcases. I just figured you'd talked her into staying at the hotel until everything calmed down."

"Gunn, try calling her cell," Angel said. "I'm going over there."

"Angel, it's a little sunny out there right now," Kathy said.

He tossed her his keys. "Then you're driving."

"A lot of her clothes are gone," Kathy said from the bedroom. "And shoes."

"Her high school diploma and one or two of her trophies are missing too. They're usually in the living room," Angel said as he entering the bedroom.

He paused and looked around, as though trying to divine where she had gone from the energies left in the room. His eyes fell on her bed and the creamy envelope which rested on the pillow.

"What's this?" he asked, picking it up. He unfolded the note carefully, recognising Cordelia's handwriting immediately.

Angel,

I know I should have had the courage to do this in person, but I knew that I never could. Seeing you again would have made me forget all the reasons that I'm leaving and I couldn't let myself do that.

I can't stay, Angel. Not now. Allowing anything to happen between us would be reckless. I let myself forget for a moment all the reasons that you and I can't be together and that was stupid of me.

We could never have worked, no matter how much we might want it to. It's just too dangerous, both to our own hearts and to the people we're supposed to be helping. I know I can be a selfish person at times, but even I can't be that selfish – to put myself before all the people that need to be saved – it wouldn't be fair to them or to the mission.

I'm so sorry. Please believe that I never meant to hurt you. Your friendship has meant more to me than you can possibly imagine and I hate that I've destroyed that with my reckless actions.

Please don't look for me. Believe me, it's better like this. I will be in touch to let you know that I'm safe, but please – just let me do this. And please tell the others that I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye.

You are all my family and I will miss you all, but this is just something that I have to do.

Goodbye.

Cordy.

Angel dropped the note to the table and grabbed his cell phone, stabbing out the number by heart. "Pick up. Please, pick up."

Her tears were blinding her. If they kept falling, she'd most certainly have an accident. She pulled her car over, parking in a lay-by.

"Five minutes, Cordy," she said. "Then you'll stop being a whiny baby and get going."

She allowed the tears to flow freely now, harsh sobs wracking through her chest. She didn't want to go. Her heart couldn't bear the thought of her abandoning them. Her friends. Her family. Angel.

Oh god, how was this fair? She'd only just begun to realise the depths of her feelings for the vampire and now she was leaving him. After they had already lost so much? How was any of this fair?

Beneath all her sorrow was her anger. She was furious at the Powers. How could they do this to them? They had given her the visions to help their Champion and now they were letting them be parted like this? Was this all part of their grand plan? If so, Cordelia had to wonder, were they really the good guys after all?

In the end, her anger helped to calm her down. She wiped away the tears and took several long, deep breaths, readying herself to continue on her painful journey. She was almost ready to start the car once more when her cell phone sprang to life on the seat beside her.

Gunn had called her several times already, but she had ignored him each time. This time, however, she sensed that it was someone else. And there was really only one other person it could be. A glance at the screen confirmed that belief.

"Angel."

Her finger hovered over the "ignore" button. Talking to him would only make leaving harder. But she couldn't just reject his call. He deserved better than that. With a sigh, she answered.

"Cordy?"

"Yeah. Hi."

"Yeah, hi?" he said, incredulous. "Cordelia, what are you doing? This note –"

"I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye in person, Angel. It just would have been… too hard."

"Don't say goodbye at all. Come home."

"I can't, Angel. I wish I could, but I just can't."

"Why? Cordelia, please. I need you."

"Angel, don't make this hard. This is the way it has to be."

"Cordy –"

"I'll be in touch when I figure out where I'm going. Let you know I got there safe. And I'll call, of course, if I have a vision."

"Cordy, don't do this."

"I'm sorry, Angel. I have to. Please, take care of yourself. And the others."

"Cordelia, I…"

She closed her eyes, waiting for his words to come. She had never heard Angel sound so desperate. It broke her heart to know that she was the cause.

"I love you," he said finally, his voice whispering the words like a near-silent prayer.

Fresh tears slid down her face as she ended the call. It was too much. They were making her give up far too much.

"I love you, too." She was speaking to the dial tone, but she needed to hear herself say the words, just once.

She rubbed her hands over her face. She was certain that she looked awful but couldn't bring herself to care. "Time to go," she said.

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted someone outside her window and jumped. It was the old man, Enyos, again. Angry and frustrated, she rolled down her window.

"I'm going, okay? I'm headed out of town and I'm not coming back. You got what you wanted. Now leave me the hell alone!"

He smiled, a creepy smile that made her insides turn cold. "I'm afraid we're not quite done with you yet, Miss Chase."

Before she could reply she saw movement behind him and something stung her on the neck. She slid sideways as the world turned black.

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