Authors Note-
Disclaimer- S. Meyer owns all things Twilight.
EPOV
It seemed like everything went down hill almost too easy. They got here, everything was all okay until Renee started talking about the baby, bringing up the statement of Bella and I's irresponsibility that led to a child. And that led to her basically insulting my mothers child raising skills, and I ended up trying to break up all of their fighting. This wasn't how this weekend was supposed to be.
It was about making things better, not making them worse.
Bella didn't deserve to be talked to like this, or to be treated the way she is by her mother. And I also didn't appreciate her accusing my mother of not raising me right. It insulted me, and her. I wouldn't let that happen.
As I grabbed onto Bella, stopping her from doing anything, she suddenly screamed my name loudly, lurching in my arms.. Everyone was suddenly quiet, looking at Bella. She was bent over, crying out in pain and clutching her stomach. I saw red trickle down her leg, and it started pooling on the floor. She looked down and suddenly collapsed in my arms.
I immediatly laid her on the ground gently, and she was completely knocked out. My dad knelt down next to her, yelling to Charlie to call an ambulance. Bella was limp on the floor, and I could see so much blood coming out of her on the dark wooded floor.
My dad was frantic, and I could tell that he knew what was going on. I could see it in his eyes. I looked at him, panicked.
" Dad, what's happening?"
He was trying to wake Bella up, but he stopped and looked at me.
" I think she is having a miscarriage. There is alot of blood."
My heart completely broke at that moment.
The ambulance arrived soon after and they strapped her to a gurney and rushed her to the hospital. I was right next to her, grasping her limp hand with tears dripping down my face as I watched them check her blood pressure and ask me questions about the pregnancy.
Everything was going too fast, in a harsh blur that almost confused me.
When we got to the hospital, they went past the doors into an emergency room that nobody was allowed to go past. My parents entered the emergency enterance only a moment later, and my mother immediatly walked towards me. I sat down in the plastic chair.
I could see Charlie standing there, and Renee stood, ashamed next to him. I sat with my head in my hands, wanting to know how my baby was, and how my Bella was doing. I wanted to be with her. They could be doing anything at this point/ The receptionist offered us some water, I refused.
I had no idea what I would do if I lost our baby.
In the beginning the thought of being a father scared the shit out of me, it would to any nineteen year old. Nobody is ever really prepared for a child though, and even though I didn't exactly want it now, that didn't mean that I didn't love the little person growing inside the person I loved most.
It wasn't until two months ago that I stared getting really excited about being a dad. Probably sounds like a complete and utter lie to anybody else, but I was. I could see that Bella was not as scared, and her excitement was also staring to shine through this past month.
My body quivered and I felt my mom rub my knee, leaning against me. My father rubbed my back soothingly. Charlie was looking at me like he was just as heartbroken as I was. I wanted to know if the baby was gone. I wanted to be put out of my misery already. The time had passed slow in the past hour, I wanted to see Bella and know my baby was okay.
The ticking on the clock seemed to be louder and louder each moment, irritating me further and making the minutes last longer then they actually were.
Just then a middle aged doctor walked towards me, holding a chart in his hands. I looked up with red eyes, wondering if he was the doctor that had treated Bella.
" Isabella Swan's family?" he asked.
We nodded and he had a look on his face. An expression that I didn't want to see. Sympathetic.
" Hello, I am Dr. Jenkins. And I'm very sorry to deliver this news, but she lost the baby. We had to do an emergency c-section to get him out. She is four month's along, and the baby was developed too much for it to pass. The surgery went okay for her, we stitched her up and she should be waking up soon, I figured someone should be with her. Is one of you the father?"
" I am." I said in a strained voice.
" I'm her mother, I would like to be there." Renee stated, standing up.
The moment I looked at her, I saw red. I stood up before I even knew that the hell I was doing.
" It's all of YOUR fucking fault! Do you realize this? If you hadn't given us such a hard fucking time and stop being such a selfish BITCH then this would have never happened. I LOST MY BABY BECAUSE OF YOU. You took away my chance of being a father!" I screamed at her.
I felt two hands grip my arms, " Edward, calm down." my father said.
" No, she took my chance to have a family away! She killed my baby."
My body shook and I felt myself falling to the ground, my heart ripping into tiny pieces.
I wasn't going to be a father.
We lost the baby.
" Mr. Cullen. We still have the baby. Nurses cleaned him up and wrapped him in a blanket. I presume you would like to have a buriel. You can see him, say goodbye."
" Him?" I choked out.
" Yes, it was a boy."
Leaving everybody else behind, I peeled myself off of the floor and followed the doctor. We walked down many hallways, it was really cold. I hoped that Bella was still asleep, and warm. I didn't want her to wake up without me, seeing herself wrapped up and realized that happened herself.
The doctor led me to a small room, the lights were on, but they weren't so bright as the lights in a normal room usually are. In the corner of the room I noticed a small hospital baby cradle. I was torn with looking, and not looking.
With a strong breath, I slowly walked over.
When I looked, I could see how small he was, and probably could just fit in my hand. His nose was tiny, and even though it was, I could see he would have had my Bella's nose. He was wrapped up in a blanket that was obviously too big for him. His head was very small, his skin almost grey. He had no eyelashes, but eyelids. His ears weren't completely developed, but close.
I didn't fucking care that I sat and sobbed infront of the doctor. He didn't say anything, because I knew that he'd probably gotten alot of people who had this reaction, but who could look at this scene and not care.
This precious little life was torn from me, and I would have never gotten to meet him.
When I looked up at him, he nodded apologetically. I rested my hand on the clear cradle.
" Can I?" I looked at him, then my son.
My son...
He nodded and I reached in and just touched his cold cheek with my finger. I let out a broken sob and took my hand away quickly, leaning forward towards the little bed.
" I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you never got to meet your mommy or me. I love you, I'm sorry, baby."
Everything seemed to be too much at that moment.
I didn't know if I could tell Bella. How could I look into her eyes and tell her that he was gone.
The doctor led me to where Bella was, and when I got in the room, she was still asleep. Her heartbeat was even, and he said that she would have a full recovery. He left after telling me he was sorry for our loss, also mentionting that she would awake soon.
I sat in the chair next to her her, holding her hand and crying into it.
She was asleep for another fifteen minutes before she started to come around. I leaned over the bed, my hand on her cheek as she opened her eyes. Something in her eyes told me that she already knew something was wrong.
Her small body moved, and she cried out slightly. The stitches probably pulled at her skin.
" Edward..."
" He's gone, Bella. He's gone." I cried into her neck, not able to get a handle on myself.
" Who?" she asked.
" It was a boy, Bella. He's...he's gone."
Her eyes filled up with tears and a small sob escaped her mouth. I curled up on the bed next to her and held her against me, careful of her stitches. Her tiny body wracked with sobs, and I cried into her neck as I grieved for our loss.
Only one question came to my mind.
Why couldn't we even had the chance to try and be parents?
Bella refused to see Renee, and everytime she looked at me fresh tears came to her eyes. She didn't let me go, even when Charlie came into the room. He sat on the side of the bed and kissed her temple, telling her how sorry he was for all of the stress.
My mom was crying quietly, my father looking just as upset as her. I held Bella to me, rocking her to try and soothe her. She didn't say anything, all she did was cling to me without any chance of letting me go. I tried to feed her, but she flat out refused food.
I couldn't believe that all this could have happened because the stress she's been going through. I'd convinced the doctors to let Bella go home tonight, my dad played a big part in it. They made sure to give us a bag of all of the needed dressing for Bella's cut.
They told us that her scar would heal, and it wouldn't very visable, it was a small scar, nothing overwhelming and it would hide under her undergarments. Bella really didn't even seemed to care how it healed.
We saw Dr. Hemmingway. She felt absolutely awful and expressed that to us. She said that she wished she would have told Bella to go on bedrest earlier, or refered us to a therapist. I'd actually never seen a doctor actually be genuinely upset about someones situation because it's unprofessional, but she gave her condolences and left the hospital.
Apparently Renee had just left and gone back home to Chicago like a coward. Charlie said he would get a flight iin the morning, he didn't want her to be alone and do something stupid. Of course this always turned into something that was about Renee.
She was a selfish bitch.
I signed papers for Bella to discharge her, and took her home. I held her in my arms the whole way to the house, making sure not to falter in my hold. I didn't want to let her go either. When we arrived home though, I had put her upstairs in bed. She'd still been crying, but her eyes were dry from all of it. Charlie went upstairs for awhile, and I let him be with her for a moment. To talk.
I sat on the couch my head in my hands, trying to grasp onto the situation. Dad had cleaned up all of the blood from when it happened this afternoon, I was extremely grateful for that. Bella hadn't seen it, and I didn't want her too. I didn't even think I could handle seeing it either.
They put her on meds for the pain, but right now, she was grieving.
Also, they had given me a prescription for a low dosage for an anti-depressant. Which I wasn't surprised if she would need it.
" I can't believe..."
" It'll be okay, Edward. I promise. Son, it happens to alot of people, Bella was under alot of stress, which affected the baby."
" But why us? What did we do to deserve it."
" It's not about what you deserve, son. It happens, and Bella has tried to keep stress-free, but she couldn't."
Tears streamed down my face and I shook my head. " He was so tiny." I whispered.
My mom wrapped her arm around me and rested her head on my shoulder. " I'm so sorry, baby. I am so so sorry.'
" Edward, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Bella really wants you right now."
I looked at Charlie, then at the rest of them. I felt bad for them. This was supposed to be a good weekend, that turned into the worlds biggest nightmare, and now I had to take care of my heart-broken love, while dealing with my own heart-break.
" I'll order some chinese. Do you have a menu for a good place, sweetie?"
I nodded. " Drawer all the way to the right in the kitchen. Thank you, mom."
I headed upstairs and saw Bella sitting somewhat up, she was fiddling with a string on the blanket. Her eyes were mostly blank, she looked so numb and empty. When she saw me she looked up, tears welling up in her chocolate brown eyes.
" I was starting to look forward to being a mom." she said quietly, her voice cracking.
Quickly I went to Bella, laying next to her and gently folding her into my side. She hugged herself to me as best as she could, and I rested my face close to hers, grasping her hand tightly. I hated this, feeling like this and having to grow through it.
" He was so tiny." I whispered, more tears spilling down my cheeks.
" You saw..."
I nodded, " Yeah. God, Bella. He was so small, I could tell he had your little nose."
Bella quivered in my arms, crying quietly into the pillow. I kissed the side of her neck, rubbing her side and trying to soothe her crying.
" I wish I could have done something. Made you spend more time laying down, no working at all, kept all the stress away."
" Edward, don't blame yourself." she whispered.
I kissed her chin. " Why did this happen to us?"
Another small sob escaped her, " I don't know, but I...I just want him back."
I rubbed her back, kissing her temple and trying to soothe her. She let me rock her back and forth gently. I could tell she was in alot of pain from the c-section, but she was trying to hid it. Esme and Carlisle briefly came up, with a plate full of food. I helped them set up downstairs before heading back upstairs.
Bella was already asleep, and I changed my clothes and got into bed. I stared at the ceiling, feeling so empty inside, like everything I had was just gone today. I heard a sniff beside me, before the bed was slightly shaking.
" Edward." Bella whimpered.
I moved behind her, curling up with her securely in my arms. She calmed down a little by knowing I was here, and I was holding her.
" It's my fault."
" No, Bella. It was everything else. It was never you, Bella."
" If I would have just calmed down. No-None of it would have happened."
" Your wrong." I stated firmly. " Anybody in your situation would have had the same outcome. It was acceptance, and all of the motions of being a mother that stressed you out. It's normal, Bella. Maybe this was a way of saying we weren't ready, love."
" I feel so empty."
" I know. I know." I whispered
Bella made a motion to sit up, but she gasped in pain. I sat up, helping her slowly, letting her take the pace she was comfortable at. Once she stood, she let out a shuddering breath. I slowly helped her to the washroom as she asked, and let her be once she shut the door.
I sat on the bed, almost wishing I could have the world swallow me up whole. A few minutes later Bella opened the door, still bent over with pain. I went to her, gently taking her in my arms and sitting on the bed. Her body was weak, I could feel it by just holding her. Once she was back in bed, I tucked the blanket around her.
" Do you want something to eat, love? My parents are getting chinese food."
She shook her head.
" Can you promise me you will eat later."
She nodded and closed her eyes, I kissed her forehead, smoothing her hair back. I laid with her until I knew she was fast asleep. I filled a plate up with food and stood in the kitchen to eat it. Charlie was already fast asleep, and my dad was on the leather couch watching television.
" How is she?"
" She's...dealing like anybody else would."
Mom nodded, wrapping her arm around my waist. " You know, I had a miscarriage after you. I was only two months pregnant, you were only a year and a half old. It was terrible, they had no idea why I miscarried. But you helped me so much, I just found my focus in you and made sure I was the best mother."
I was surprised to hear this news, I had never knew that it happened to my mom. I could have been an older brother to somebody.
" So find the happiness, Edward. Focus on it. Try to work on it, because if you don't, it will destroy you both."
I set my fork down and wrapped my arms around my mom. I was nineteen, and who gives a damn if I still need my mother to hug me and tell me everything would be okay. She kissed the side of my head.
" It'll be okay, sweetheart. Give it time, and be there for her, show her your never going anywhere, like you always have."
" Thanks, mom."
" Of course...And I was talking with your father a little bit over dinner."
I took a bite of chicken, walking her warily.
" Well, Edward, you are still going to have to work. And Bella can't do much right now but heal, so I was thinking I could take a brief leave from work and help you both. I know you want to be there for Bella, but while your at work, I don't want her to be all alone."
I took a deep breath.
Damn work to hell.
" Okay... I don't...Damn, I don't want her all alone either."
The next day, I drove Charlie to the airport while Bella stayed at home with Carlisle and Esme.
We didn't talk much, but I was shocked when he pulled me into a tight hug, telling me to take care of Bella. He said he would call us, check in to see how we were doing. Charlie was a very soft-spoken person, I was shocked that he'd actually hugged me, but I could see that he felt terrible about the situation.
I didn't want him to.
This morning, I hoped to wake up and everything could have been a messed up dream. I could have laughed and mentally called myself a nutter. The way back from the airport was kind of long, but it was quiet.
When I got to the apartment and opened the door, I saw my mom rushing towards me.
" She woke up, she was really upset. You should go upstairs, your father is with her."
Quickly I scalled the steps, and when I came upon our room, I could hear her sobbing. When I opened the door, I saw my dad sitting on the side of the bed, trying his best to comfort her. He looked relieved when he noticed me. She was inconsolable to everyone else now.
I went to the side of the bed, brushing my hand over her cheek. Her eyes opened and she calmed for a moment, grasping onto me tightly and then wincing. I scooted over next to her and held her in my arms, making sure she knew I was here.
" You left, you were gone. Just like...Just like..."
" Oh, love. I'm not going anywhere. I'm always here, never will I ever leave you, I promise you."
I clutched her, kissing her temple and jaw. Her trembling started to ease, and I sighed into her hair.
" Are you hungry, Bella?"
She nodded, snuggling closer to me.
" How about we go downstairs and get something to eat."
Bella yawned, and I gently scooped her up in my arms. I took her downstairs and I let her lay on the couch. I noticed how she avoided looking at the foyer, it didn't slip my notice. The chinese from last night was still good. I warmed up a plate of things that she liked and took it towards her, along with a glass of coke.
She looked at the coke for a long moment, and I realized that normally she hadn't been drinking it because of the baby, but I found no reason for her not to drink it now. For a long moment she stared at it.
" Do you want something else, beloved?" I whispered in her ear.
" No, it's fine."
Dad approached me, and he was asking me questions about the area around here. I told him where the grocery store was, strip malls, the mall and a few other shops. He said he was taking mom out shopping, because he knew she was dying to, and he wanted to try and cheer her up just for a few hours.
They borrowed Bella's car, saying they would be back later and to take care. I sat close to Bella's body, not wanting to leave her. She ate slowly, but she ate none-the-less. Slowly she drank the coke, but she seemed so discouraged just looking at the drink.
Once she finished eating everything off the plate, I helped her to stand and walk to the bathroom. washroom and helped her back to the couch once she was finished. I laid on the couch with her, and she was playing with the buttons on my shirt.
" Edward?" Bella whispered.
" Yeah?"
" Do you think if she never showed up, it wouldn't have ever happened?"
I looked down at Bella, conflicted with how to work the answer I wanted to give her.
" Well, I think all of them fighting threw you over the edge, and I think maybe if you would have been on bedrest already, and the stress was low, things wouldn't have escalated as they did. And they would have known not to do anything. I don't know, Bella. I really don't want to blame Renee completely, but she played a big part in the stress."
Bella nodded.
" It will be okay, Bella."
" Are we going to bury him?"
" In the hospital, they have a garden center, where alot of babies that are miscarried are buried. They have small headstones and everything, they offered to bury him there if we wanted to chose that."
" I don't want to have to...take him all the way to Chicago."
I brushed her hair away from her face, wiping her tears. " We can take trips here, Bella, once we graduate and move back. And we can visit, whenever."
" I want him to have the name."
" What?"
" He's our first son, I want him to have the name. I don't want to just bury him and have no name, Edward."
I was surprised, but somehow almost not surprised. She wanted him to have the name, so then he would have the name. If it made her happy, and that was what she wanted, so be it. I was going to let her have her way, and I truly had no issue with it.
I stared down into her brown eyes, wiping more tears from her red streaked cheeks.
Declan Edward.
Authors Note-
Your probably surprised, thinking why the middle name would be Edward. Even before they got together, Bella still wanted to give her baby his middle name because Edward was her best friend and she wanted to, and if Edward got the name, well self explanitory, it's his name, he wanted to pass it on somehow. But they both loved the name Declan, and that's what they wanted.
Let me know what you think.