Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for a crazy mind.
A/N: Thank you for the reviews! This is a ridiculously long chapter by my regular standards, so I'm sorry but I hope people enjoy it! Let me know what you think! (:
Still standing underneath the dark sky, Lexie smiled at Mark. "Can we...Go back to my place?" She asked hopefully. She wanted nothing more to sleep in the safety of Mark's arms in her own bed.
Mark looked down at her and although he felt slightly reluctant to do so, he nodded. "Come on," he said, nodding to the parking lot behind them. "Let's go then."
Lexie tried not to grin when Mark took her hand and lead her in the direction of his car. It didn't matter that her car was still sitting in a parking bay; she would collect it another time. Right now, she was going home with Mark Sloan and nothing was going to delay that.
Once in the car, Lexie turned to face Mark. "So," she said as he turned the key in the ignition and began reversing out of the space. "Are you sure about this?"
Mark narrowed his eyes as he continued to drive towards the hospital exit. "Yes," he said. "If you're already having doubts then tell me now and I'll–"
"No, no," Lexie rushed to say. She shook her head and then when they came to a stop at the junction leading out of the hospital, Lexie asked, "Which way are we going?"
Mark thought about it for a moment, knowing that if they turned right they would head back to the Archfield. He rolled his eyes and slammed down the left indicator. "Left. We're going to your house."
Lexie tried not to smile but couldn't help her grin. For once, it looked as if everything was going to be fine.
Soon enough, they arrived at Lexie's house. As always, the lights were out and Thatcher's car wasn't in the drive. Unlike before, Lexie took Mark's hand and walked confidently to the door. Unlocking it, she flipped on the hallway light. She didn't check the living room. She knew Thatcher wasn't in the house and instead of following her routine, Lexie smiled at Mark and said, "Let's go upstairs."
Mark raised an eyebrow. "Don't you want to stay downstairs for a while?"
Lexie shook her head. "Upstairs, now."
Lexie turned and began to walk up the stairs, before glancing back to see Mark standing by the door. She tried not to smirk. "What, doesn't the great Mark Sloan want to take a girl to bed?"
Mark's eyes widened. "What? We aren't...I mean, we shouldn't–" He stopped when Lexie burst out laughing. He narrowed his eyes. "Oh, you're funny." He growled and followed her up the stairs. "Ever want to be a comedian?"
Lexie laughed and lead the way to her bedroom. She opened the door and turned on the lights. "It had occurred to me once," Lexie replied as she kicked off her shoes and unbuttoned her jacket. Hooking it on her closet door knob, Lexie grinned at Mark. "I could have done stand-up but the need to cut people up was too strong."
Mark laughed despite the fact he was trying to act annoyed. "Now, that doesn't sound sadistic at all."
Lexie laughed and shrugged as she opened her closet door and grabbed her pyjamas. "Like you didn't have the same urge," she replied flippantly. Turning around she smiled at Mark who was sitting on her bed. She held up her clothes and then nodded towards to her en suite bathroom. "I'm gonna go change."
Mark nodded. "I'll be here."
Lexie smiled and then waved her hand in the direction of her television. "Keep yourself amused." She walked towards the door and then on a second thought she turned back and said, "No peeking this time."
Mark laughed and shook his head. "You make life so hard for me, Grey."
Lexie laughed, "Deal with it, Sloan."
Mark grinned and then once the bathroom door had shut, he stood up and took off his jacket. Walking over to her desk chair, he placed it on the back of the chair and then took off his shoes. He glanced at her small antennae TV and smiled wryly, wondering if it was black and white. Once he found the remote and flipped it on, he nearly laughed at the fuzzy image that came on the screen. It was in color; however the quality was so bad it might as well have displayed the pictures in black and white.
Moving back to her bed, Mark sat on the edge of the bed and flipped through the channels, trying to find something he recognized. He paused when he thought he could make out a news desk. Turning up the volume, the background noise was so bad that he could barely make out the news.
Mark looked up when the bathroom door opened and Lexie stepped out. His blood instantly rushed south.
Unknowing of his reaction, Lexie moved gracefully from the bathroom doorway and to her closet. She put away her clothes and then turned to face her TV. She frowned slightly and muttered, "The signal is always messing up." She went over and stood in front of the small box. "Give me two seconds and I'll fix it up for you."
Mark grunted although he wasn't sure of what she had said. Instead, his eyes were fixated on her ass in those ridiculously small shorts. His eyes trailed upwards to the way her curves suddenly appeared out of nowhere because of the equally small tank top she chose to wore. He could see the outline of her purple bra through the white material of her top.
When Lexie leaned forward slightly to reach to the back of the TV, Mark thought he was going to die right then and there.
Unknowingly, he made a strangled noise. His eyes widened when Lexie turned her head, a worried look on her face. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Mark replied gruffly. He cleared his throat. "I'm fine." He glanced around her to the TV screen, noticing that the picture was still fuzzy however the sound had returned to normal. "How are you going to fix the picture?"
Lexie smiled sweetly. "Like this." She turned back around and suddenly, there was a loud thump as Lexie smacked the back of the TV with her hand.
Mark laughed when the picture returned to normal. "Nicely done, Little Grey."
Lexie grinned triumphantly and came to sit down next to Mark. Immediately she noticed the way he tensed when her leg came into contact with his. Lexie frowned and placed her hand on his knee. "Hey, what's up?"
"Nothing," Mark replied sternly as he focused on the news and not the feeling of her warmth.
Lexie frowned and gently rubbed his knee. "Did I do something wrong?" She asked quietly.
"What?" Mark turned and looked down at her and realized how afraid she was. He sighed and placed a kiss on her forehead. "You didn't do anything wrong," he said. He laughed nervously. "It's just me being an idiot."
Lexie smiled and briefly kissed his lips. "Mark Sloan? An idiot? Well, that's one way to describe you..."
"Watch what you say, Grey. I can ban you from my O.R," he warned; though it was clear to both of them that he would never do such a thing.
"I was only going to say nice things," Lexie said. She leant against his shoulder for a moment and sighed happily at the feel of his thumb running over her hand. It was nice to just sit with him, between the two of them there was no need for words, moments like this proved how much they cared for each other.
After a while, Lexie was slowly slipping into sleep, when Mark's husky voice alerted her to the fact she was still lying against him. Lexie groaned lightly, "What did you say?" She whispered, her eyes remaining closed.
Mark smiled slightly and kissed the top of her head. "I said that I need to go to the bathroom and that you should get into bed properly," Mark whispered.
Lexie sighed and slowly dragged her body away from his. She swayed slightly and then flopped to her right, landing just under her pillows. Mark laughed and stood up. "Here," he whispered as he moved her pillows lower on the bed so she could rest her head on them. He rolled his eyes slightly when she grunted and turned around, not even bothering to go underneath the blankets.
Mark ran his hand through her hair and smiled when she smiled in her sleep. He kissed her gently on the cheek before stepping away from the bed and headed towards the bathroom. On his way to the bathroom, he made sure to turn off the TV. He didn't want anything interrupting Lexie's sleep.
After a while, Lexie felt a shiver run down her spine. She frowned and kept her eyes closed but when it happened again, she groaned and opened her eyes. She stared at the bathroom door and noticed the light coming from underneath the closed door. She sighed and sat up before she shivered again. Lexie narrowed her eyes at her bare legs and shuffled up the bed so that she could eventually slip herself underneath the blankets. Pulling up the pillows as well, Lexie shuffled around, attempting to get comfortable.
If she concentrated she could hear Mark moving around in her bathroom and Lexie smiled at the knowledge that he was so close to her. It was a comforting feeling; the reassurance she felt knowing Mark was going to stay with her made Lexie grin with excitement. She was safe with him near her, he was going to help her, and he was going to save her.
Lexie smiled, with Mark around nothing bad could happen. She was protected with Mark. Mark would never let anything bad happen to her.
Although her eyes were closed, Lexie wasn't asleep and when she heard the bathroom light click off, her eyes flew open. She normally left the bathroom light on. She always left her lamp on, but she hadn't had time to turn it on today. Lexie heard the door unlock and saw it open to reveal Mark. He smiled slightly at her and then said quietly, "Go back to sleep."
Instead of doing what he wanted, Lexie watched as Mark walked back into the room and walked towards her bedroom door, to where the light switch was. She could feel the anxiety rush through her as she saw him reach towards the light switch.
Don't do it, she thought as she watched him intently. Don't. Don't. Don't.
But then, he did.
It was as if it happened in slow motion.
His arm rising, his strong hands turning towards the white panel on the wall...His long fingers brushing against the smooth metal...Her heartbeat increasing, her throat constricting...Tightening, threatening her, choking her as suddenly, the lights snapped out.
Darkness encased them and Lexie clutched at the blankets tighter, holding them against her chest. Her knuckles white in the dark, glowing even, Lexie could barely see him walk towards her. But then, there he was. His tall body in front of her, filling her sight. The claws scratched along her surface as he came closer to her, the bed sinking down to one side. It was happening again, the thoughts, the wishes of wanting the floor to rip open below her and swallow him. Her. Anyone, just as long as this stopped.
The darkness stirred a lot of emotions in Lexie. Anxiety. Anger. Fear. Terror. It alerted her to danger.
Pain.
Touches that didn't belong.
His hand was on her leg. She could hear a mummer, a deep throaty voice, whispering into the abyss, but Lexie couldn't place who it was. All she could think of was the touch. The touch, the pressure of something, someone, on her leg.
"Lexie."
Her body was rigid, the blankets firmly wrapped around her. He couldn't touch her if she was wrapped up. She was safe if she stood still. If she didn't react he wouldn't carry on. He would get bored. Or he would quicken his motions.
"Lexie?"
Where did Mark go? He was right here, she saw him. Lexie knew Mark would protect her, he would save her, he was supposed to save her from this. Where was he?
"Lexie?"
It was okay. One, two, three, four. It would end soon. Soon. Why wasn't he doing anything? She was up to ten now. Eleven, twelve, thirteen. Why wasn't he hitting her? Why wasn't he stroking her leg like he normally wanted to? Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen.
"Lexie."
From somewhere, she found her voice. "Just do it."
Her harsh, broken whisper felt like a slap against Mark's face. Do it? Do what? And then, like icy water running down his spine, the realization hit him. Hurt her. She was waiting for him to hurt her. The pain that stabbed his chest, his gut, it made Mark feel like throwing up.
He would never hurt Lexie. He would never want to even contemplate hurting her. And yet here she was, waiting, unmoving, simply anticipating the moment when he would punch her. He gently spoke in a strangled whisper. "No."
No. It was a word Lexie had used many a time but she had never heard him say it. He never said no, or sorry – they didn't exist in his vocabulary. It was always bitch, slut, shut up, stop moving. Was this him? Was this her father sitting at the end of the bed, his hand weighing down her leg? Lexie squinted into the darkness and like magic; his features became clear.
A strong jaw bone and high cheekbones.
Facial hair, dark in colour. Short hair.
His blue eyes were instantly recognizable. They appeared darker in this lighting but she knew they were his. They held no malice, simply beautiful eyes displaying genuine feelings of worry.
"Mark?"
Her voice was a harsh plea, her voice showing how desperate she was to recognize the body in front of her. She blindly reached her hand out and it came into contact with his thigh. "Mark?" She asked again, her voice wobbling under the pressure, the idea that this wasn't Mark, that it was him instead, that he was here, in front of her again and she was crazy and couldn't tell the difference, not unless he ran his hand further up her leg and did what he always did and–
"I'm here, Little Grey."
A sob was forced out of her small body at the sound of his voice. "Mark..." Lexie scrambled to touch his hand and finally found the hand which was resting on her knee. She had to get it off her.
She began to push his hand away. "Mark, get off me. Get off, please, don't, don't, get off me," she cried.
He stood up before she could say anything else. He didn't want to hear her cries anymore, her pleas for him not to touch her. It wasn't right, this wasn't meant to happen. He couldn't handle this. He didn't know how to handle this situation. Quickly he walked over the wall and flipped on the light.
The blinding whiteness flooded into the small room. The shadows disappeared and it was day again. Her tears stopped and Lexie looked up at Mark through her blurry eyes and saw his haggard expression. She watched as he ran a hand over his face. He needed sleep, he needed rest and here she was causing him grief. He was better off without her.
"You should go," Lexie whispered as she continued to stare at him. Her eyes were clear now and so she instantly saw the change in his appearance. His eyes widened, his eyebrows shot up to the sky. "You should go," Lexie repeated calmly.
"Does it look like I want to leave?" Mark asked, still in shock that she could suggest such a thing. Why would he leave her now, when she needed him the most?
Lexie gave a half-shrug. "You look like you need some rest."
"So do you."
"I won't be able to sleep. You need to sleep. You won't get any sleep if you stay here with me all night."
Mark shook his head. "Lexie–"
"No, you should go." Lexie looked down at her blanket and began to fiddle with the hem. "You should go," she whispered. "You need sleep. You don't...You don't need this."
"Need what?"
Lexie laughed bitterly and indicated to herself. "This," she stressed. "Me. I-I'm..." Lexie sighed dejectedly. "I'm a mess."
"I know," Mark said and after a moment he began to make his way back to the bed. He stood at the foot of her bed and watched her as she wiped her eyes and sighed. "You've been through a lot. You're allowed to be a mess."
"I don't want to...I don't want to feel like this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I just...I don't...I don't want to be like this," Lexie said, unable to raise her voice over a mumbled whisper. "I don't want to be like this."
Mark sighed, "I know."
"I just..." Lexie trailed off and shrugged. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" Mark asked, frowning. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
Lexie shrugged again and continued to stare at her blanket. She refused to look up for fear that Mark would notice the tears pooling at the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry you have to deal with me," Lexie whispered. "I'm sorry I ever unloaded this on you. You don't need this."
"I decide what I do and don't need," Mark replied sternly. "If I didn't want to deal with this, with you, would I really be here? Do you really think I would waste my time if I thought you didn't matter?"
When Lexie shrugged again, Mark shook his head and walked closer to her, slowly edging his way to the head of the bed. "If I didn't...care about you, if we weren't...I wouldn't be here, Lexie. You know me, or you should know me better. Do you really think I see you as a burden?"
His voice was soft now, gently, carefully trying to coax her to talk to him. They needed to talk about this, about her issues. It was time to stop ignoring them. Slowly, Mark lowered himself onto the edge of the bed, making sure to avoid contact with Lexie's still body. He watched her intently for a moment before he asked, "Why don't you believe that I want to help you?"
"I..."
Lexie shook her head, her mouth slamming shut. How was she meant to explain this to him? How could she explain that she wanted him, she wanted him to be with her so badly, but she was too afraid to be close to him? She wanted him but she couldn't allow herself to act upon it. They needed space; he didn't really want to be here, why would he want to be here with her when he could get nothing out of it?
She was scared of him. He scared her. She wanted him but he terrified her. Everything about him, about them, it scared her and Lexie wished it didn't. He didn't need her and her irrelevant fears; he didn't need someone as crazy as her.
He shouldn't be forced to deal with this.
But she wanted him to. She wanted him to deal with her problems, to solve them with a wave of his perfect hand. Lexie always thought Mark was amazing, she respected him for his talents as a surgeon and his demeanour as a man. He was amazing, so why couldn't he help her? It was her. It was her that wasn't amazing. She knew that. She was far from perfect and she was the problem, she wasn't letting him help her.
I want to help you.
He wanted to help her. He could do this, if she let him. It was up to her. He could fix this. He could fix her.
Lexie looked up at Mark and saw his calm, collected expression. There was nothing to be afraid of. He wasn't going to do anything she didn't want him to. He listened, he said no.
You didn't say no. You never said no.
As quickly as her positive thoughts had arrived, they disappeared and dread filled Lexie at the sound of her own voice.
You never said no, you let him do this to you. You let him hurt you, you never tried hard enough.
You couldn't stop him. If you couldn't stop him, then Mark can't stop him.
You're useless. You don't say no.
Is it because you liked it? Is it because you enjoyed the feel of him hurting you?
Lexie slammed her eyes shut, willing the voice to stop shouting in her mind. She didn't like it, she did say no. She would say no and he would ignore her. He never listened. No-one ever listened to her.
Mark frowned when he saw Lexie begin to slowly shake her head and concern flooded through him. It appeared as if she was in pain, a frown in place, her nose scrunched up. Tentatively Mark reached out to rest his hand next to Lexie's leg. He didn't touch her, he knew not to, but his hand was next to her leg, his presence there.
"Lexie..." Mark watched as she began to cry silently. "Hey, Lexie...What's wrong? Lexie...Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
Lexie shook her head, her lips sealed. He would hate her, he would feel sick to think she never said no. That she couldn't say no to...She began to cry harder, her shoulders shaking as she brought her knees up to her chest. He would hate her, he would call her names. He wouldn't understand. He couldn't help her.
"Little Grey," Mark whispered, his fingers itching to touch her. "Please. Tell me what's wrong."
Lexie opened her mouth to say something and all she could do was let out a strangled cry. She shook her head and looked at him, her eyes glassy, her lips trembling. "I...I..." Unable to go on, Lexie cried harder and dropped her head to her knees.
"Hey, ssh," Mark said calmly. "I need you to calm down and tell me what's wrong. I need you to calm down, Lexie."
Lexie tried to speak but all that she could do was let out heaves of breath, her throat constricting and tightening. "I..." Lexie let out a sob and then choked, "It hurts."
"It's because you're getting worked up. I need you to calm down and take deep breaths. It'll hurt less then," Mark replied as he threw caution to the wind and placed his hand on her knee. He soothingly rubbed her knee in a circular motion, attempting to calm her down. "Slow down and regulate your breathing, Grey. Just slow down."
Taking deep, unsteady breaths, Lexie looked up to stare at Mark. Even when she was crying her eyes out, he still managed to be amazing. Once her tears had subsided, Lexie noticed that he was still rubbing her knee. On instinct, Lexie jerked her leg away from him. "No," she said, her voice firm. "No."
Immediately, Mark placed his hands back into his lap and stared at the wall in front of him. "Okay," he said as he stared at her bathroom door. "I'm sorry."
"You can't do that," Lexie said, her eyes focused on the side of his head. Suddenly, Lexie realized that if they were going to do this, if she was going to let him help her, they needed rules. "I don't want you to...To, er, you know, I just don't think...It's not very appropriate if you...You know, it's just n-not that–"
"Grey, I get it." Mark said tersely. "No touching."
Lexie's cheeks flared and she awkwardly looked to the side. "No touching," she repeated and felt her stomach roll at the thought of the last time she was touched by a man.
Glancing to the side, Mark noticed Lexie's eyes glazing over and his heart clenched. "Hey," Mark said loudly, making Lexie snap out of her daze. He tried to smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Any other rules?"
"Er...I-I..." Lexie stopped and frowned. "I haven't thought that far ahead."
Mark laughed and nodded, abruptly getting off the bed. "That's a good start," he joked as he walked around to the other side of the bed. He looked down at Lexie and could see the wheels in her head turning, trying to calculate his next move. No matter how much he wanted to get into bed with her and comfort her, Mark instead reached down to take hold of the spare pillows next to Lexie. Tucking them under his arm, Mark smiled at her. "I'll see you in the morning, Grey," he said and quickly turned on his heel and headed towards the bedroom door.
When his hand was on the handle, Lexie spoke urgently. "You, hey...what? Where, where are you going?"
Mark sighed and his shoulders fell, defeated. He turned to face her, his face serious. "I'm going to sleep on the couch."
Lexie's eyes widened at the prospect of sleeping alone. "N-no, you can't!"
"Lexie," Mark sighed. "What did we just talk about?" He paused for a moment and when she didn't reply, he narrowed his eyes. "No touching."
"B-But, you can't leave me alone!" Lexie said and desperately scrambled out of the blankets. She stood up from the bed and walked over to him. "You can't just walk out on me!"
"Lexie, I'm not walking out on you," Mark reminded her. He resisted the urge to place his hand on her shoulder and instead gripped the pillow under his arm tighter. "I'm going to sleep on the couch; I'm not leaving the house. I'll be downstairs."
"But–"
"Lexie, please, don't make this any harder for me."
Lexie was about to speak but stopped at the harsh tone of his voice. Make this harder for him? What about her? He knew she couldn't sleep in the dark, he should know she didn't want to sleep alone either. "What about me, Mark?" Lexie demanded as she stood in front of him, her hands on her hips. "Do you think it's easy for me to sleep alone?"
Mark sighed and tossed the pillows to the floor. "It will be a lot easier for you to sleep if I'm downstairs."
Lexie laughed, "How do you know that? How can you know that?"
"I just do, Lexie." Mark sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Look, we both need sleep so I'm just going to–"
Lexie snorted in disgust, "You're going to leave." Lexie turned around and stalked back to her bed, and muttered, "Why am I so surprised?"
"What?" Mark stared at her in astonishment as Lexie calmly slipped back under the blankets. "What did you say?"
Lexie looked at Mark, her eyebrow raised. "I said I'm not surprised you want to leave. Go on, leave."
The way she said it, so utterly disgusted and repulsed by his actions, made Mark want to scream. Instead, he gritted out, "I'm going downstairs, Grey. I'll be sleeping on a couch that's too small for me because I care enough to respect your wishes of not touching you. I'm not leaving you. I'm respecting your wishes." Mark shook his head when he saw the realization sink into Lexie's expression. "But, hey, what does it matter? You never believe a word I say, anyway."
And with that, Mark turned on his heel and slammed the door behind him. After he left, Lexie continued to stare at the door, expecting him to come back in and stubbornly apologize.
He didn't.
It made her break down in tears.