Lin's Journal
9-15-10
Wednesday
Eight-ish
I haven't written in a really long time. Maybe I just haven't needed to. School started, and it's pretty effective at eating up all my writing time and taking my mind off things.
Just now, everyone was talking about love... like... dating... and it got to me.
I feel so guilty about what I did to Mikuo, but it could never work. It wasn't working. He's too good for me, regardless of what he thinks of it. Urgh, I need to stop thinking of this. Stupid heartbreak. It's worse when he calls the house every other night, and my mom doesn't answer the phone anymore because I told her not to, and...
I feel like a bitch. Why am I listening to sad songs? Agh!
... it was when Hakuo said he broke up with Dell. Because their dating was "unfeeling". That just drove the knife in a little deeper. He always loved me more than I loved him. It kind of reminds me- Kaito just mentioned Rolling Girl and how it's such a sad song. At least, I think it's Rolling Girl he's talking about. Maybe my life kind of fits into that song. I'll keep rolling for you, I'll keep hurting myself because I love you... But again, it's wrong. I don't even know why I'm so scared of talking to him, and I know myself pretty well- maybe a bit better than some other people would know themselves.
Now I'm thinking about it again. Rin. I like her, a lot, but it's not love. Could it ever be love? She's straight, though, and she has someone else she likes. Even if she would ever like me back, it could probably never... agh, I shouldn't be thinking this. It helps to write about it, though. I know nobody's listening, but... it's almost like I'm telling someone. Maybe journals really are good therapy or whatever. I know I needed this a lot. I don't feel like talking to anyone any more... so it helps to have this. I'll never get tired of talking to a book, and I'll never get fed up with it. It'll never ignore me or cut of my words. It'll never destroy anything I make.
Ana cheered me up by accident. Maybe I should like her instead.
Stupid hormones.
Don't you just hate getting interrupted? I'm hypersensitive about it. ;x; I want to take pride in things I do, but that's hard when people ignore them or totally mess them up.
I blame low self-esteem. ;x;