Disclaimer : Nothing's mine (sadly)

Just coming by to update. I have to go back to work. My life is so hectic right now! Between work, me moving out and family (I have a new nephew : Owen. I swear, it's not a joke ^^ His parents really named him Owen.)

Anyway, I have to go. Thank you so much for your reviews!!

Enjoy !

Chapter Twenty Three

Drowning

"You're telling me that one of your ex-best friends, one of the people who kicked you out of your own home in the middle of an apocalypse, is coming here?"

"We need her Andy," Buffy whispered while nursing her non-alcohol drink.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Why?"

The Slayer sighed. Why couldn't he just accept it? She didn't like the idea of Willow coming here any more than he did because it meant a lot of awkward moments and uneasiness. She had let Dawn call the witch and explain their situation. Jack had asked her if there was any other way. Tiredly, she had said that no, there was no other way. When it came to magic, they needed Willow's help. Her past experiences had humbled her. She knew her limits now. Magic was one. When confronted by warlocks or witches, she couldn't do anything. She had a bigger resistance than normal humans but she was still vulnerable as a kitten. Against a wizard throwing fire balls at her, she couldn't do anything except hide.

She sighed and answered Andy, "Because she's powerful."

"How powerful?" he asked.

"Like ending-the-world-any-day-I-want powerful."

"Bloody Hell!"

He had said that a lot since he meeting with Buffy earlier that afternoon. The cop's eyes were wide. He didn't like the way things were going... A madman — or demon — was killing things and preparing for the end of the world. His friend's sister had crashed the party unannounced, and now, the witch — he hadn't met her but already hated her — was coming as well.

Thinking of the sister, "Where's this sibling of yours?"

"She's waiting for said witch at the airport."

"Is she coming alone?"

"Oh God, I hope so!"

She hadn't asked. Dawn told her when the airplane was landing and Buffy told her to go without her. Since then, she had tried her best to keep her mind away from what was going to happen. She wasn't ready to have a Scooby reunion. She took a sip of her beverage.

"How are you dealing with everything?" Andy asked.

She shrugged.

"I'm... blasé. Every time I feel like I finally put my life together, something happens to ruin it. This time, I was coming to term with my feelings. I cut ties with Sunnydale and my past. I have a new job, new friends, a new life! And it's apocalypse all over again. I'm supposed to deal with aliens for God's sake! It's like everywhere I go; the supernatural is catching up with me. I don't think I will ever be able to have my own life."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're the only stable element in my life right now."

"What about Torchwood?"

She rolled her eyes.

"Let's see. Some psycho is using the Rift to open a huge Hellmouth. I'm fucking Owen who is in love with Tosh but refuses to accept it. And Tosh is madly in love with Owen so when she discovers that I'm having sex with him, she's going to hate me. And believe me, with my past, she will discover it. My boss is an immortal time traveller. Ianto hates me and, even if he is making effort, he still doesn't trust me and I don't know why. And Gwen... well, she's Gwen. I'm still waiting for the day she'll break down. I don't think that the reality of our job has really sunk in yet."

Andy looked at her with concern. He took her hand and she smiled sadly at him.

"Sometimes, I just wis—" she caught herself before saying the cursed word, "want to get the Hell out of here. But I'm starting to think that there's no place on Earth where I would be left alone. Every time I try to run, things catch up with me. Maybe I can't escape. Maybe I'm not meant to."

"So what, you're saying that you're just meant to be sad?"

"Maybe."

"That's bullshit! And what if, for one day, you'd stop moping around?"

"You sound like my sister!"

Andy knew that his next words would infuriate her but someone had to shake her out of her mood, "Maybe because she's right."

She scowled and opened her mouth, surely to argue. However, it was time to tell her some hard truth.

"Listen, I know you have a hard past and went through rough stuff. But you're still here, kicking and breathing. You have friends and a job and maybe you should just savour that. Stop holding grudges!"

She crossed her arms over her chest roughly, "So what, it's all my fault?"

She glared at him, trying in vain to scare him off of the subject. He knew her better than that. He hit a nerve. He loved her and felt sad about what she had had to live through. Her teenage years had been stolen and she had been thrown into a violent and endless war. It had scarred her, flesh and soul and she remembered that all too well. What she had forgotten is how to be happy.

"No Buffy. Not completely. I'm just saying that happiness is a hard thing to come by. Sadness is easier. It's unwanted and when you feel it, it crushes you. It's a burden, really hard to get rid off. On the other hand, happiness... You have to fight for it and when you finally have it, you have to hold on to it as hard as you can because it's so fragile and easy to lose. So start with little things. Hold on to those little things, one by one. And make them bigger. Your past is coming back to haunt you? So what? You have your own life, your own friends — mates who are backing you up. Show it! Show them that you have done great without them! Make them regret what they did to you. Don't show your pain. Be the proud girl I met. Bloody Hell, be the Slayer!"

He smiled at her before adding, "And, please, stop whining because it's seriously getting annoying."

She was staring into nothing. He paid for their drinks and stood up.

"Listen, I'm meeting with Sarah later so I need to go. Think about what I told you Buffy. I understand that you've lived through hard things, and will most likely live through more. But this depression of yours, it's getting annoying. Stop letting life fly by you. Take control of it."

He was on his way out when he looked at her one last time, pointing at her, "Oh and stop shagging Owen! It's unhealthy."

She watched him disappear. She was not whining!

Was she? She stared at her empty cup with a frown. She quickly stood up, grabbed her bag and left the café. The sun was shining brightly in the sky. It was one of the sunnier days she had seen since arriving. However, it was still cold. She walked aimlessly in the city for a couple of hours. She was in a park, watching men play soccer when she realized who it was. She smiled and sat down on a bench.

They weren't professionals, but they played happily — yelling, arguing and laughing. Big men playing like kids. He knew everything about their world and what the human race was threatened with but he was still hopeful and kind. Gwen had told her that he wanted kids. He had faith in them and their future. The ex-cop wasn't as excited as her husband. Since she had joined Torchwood, her view of the world had considerably darkened and she wasn't sure that she wanted to bring an innocent child into it. Buffy understood the feeling.

Andy's words still rang in her ears. She was getting annoying. Those words had hurt her. Was she that insufferable? Was she that whiny?

"Oi!"

She looked up at Rhys. He was running towards her with a big smile on his face, his eyes twinkling with joy. He was all sweaty and out of breath.

"Hi Rhys."

"What are you doing here? Watching us handsome and athletic men play?"

She laughed softly, "Yeah, I'm doing exactly that."

"Rhys, what are you doing?!"

The big man turned towards the field, "Play without me! I'm taking a break!"

Rhys sat beside her, "It's been a while. How's it going?"

She cringed, "It'd be better if I didn't answer that."

"Yeah, Gwen told me."

"Why do you want kids?"

The question was out before she even knew it. He looked at her with a seriousness she had never seen before.

"Why not?"

"This world is so dark, so violent, so hopeless."

"Your world maybe. Not mine."

"It's the same world Rhys."

"Nope. In mine, there are violent aliens trying to invade Earth and demons trying to bring the apocalypse and humans fighting each other in violent wars. And each time, people stand against them, protecting us. They allow us to live a normal and happy life, to keep our innocence intact and watch the world with hope. You give us hope. Even if we don't know that you exist, or aren't aware of your sacrifice, we owe you each passing day. So, I'm not afraid of bringing another child into this world. Because they are people like you to keep it safe. And it's enough for me."

She looked up at him with tearful eyes, "And what about me? Why can't I see that world too?"

"I hope that one day, you'll see it. But you'll have to take the first step."

"I didn't know you could be so insightful."

"Why do you think that Gwen married me? I'm not only an extremely good-looking guy! I'm also smart."

This time, Buffy laughed whole-heartedly. He extended his arms, "Come here! I'd say you need a hug."

"Oh God yes, I really need one!"

He engulfed her into his embrace and she leant into it.

"Am I really whiny?"

"Oh yes!"

She broke free and looked at him with surprise and reproach. He threw his hands in the air, "Hey, you asked!"

Buffy stood up, "You know what, every time you say that I'm becoming too whiny, I'll give you five bucks."

"I'm going to be a rich man in no time!"

She slapped his arm, "That's not nice!"

"But it's so true."

The players were getting impatient.

"Rhys! Get your ass back here!"

"Sorry Buff', duty's calling!"

She smiled at him, "I know how important it is!"

"Bye Buff'!"

He ran towards his friends. She heard one of them them comment, "Aren't you a married man now, Rhys?"

"Fuck off!"

God, her friends thought she was getting annoying. That was hard. Was she really that whinny? She seemed so. Which was embarrassing. She walked more, taking her time in going home. She wanted to go back to Andy and Rhys and tell them that she had a right to be whiny because she felt bad.

Suddenly, she understood just why they thought that she was insufferable.

As the time passed, she felt more and more nervous. It was past seven pm. when she decided she couldn't stay away any longer. She made her way to her apartment. Far slower than usual. Andy and Rhys' little speeches still rang in her ears. It had been a real slap in the face. They were surely right. Maybe she should start following their advice now. She could show her former friends that she got along well without them. Thinking of it, could she really see them all devastated and sad? Nope, she was the Slayer for Christ's sake. The guys were right. She had to stop hiding and be what she was destined to be.

She arrived at her apartment without even realizing it. She got a grip on her fear and pushed it away. At her door, she quickly thought that she had always been a better Slayer than a better woman (be it friend, sister or lover). She shook her head. She was a grown woman now and they were in her territory. One wrong move and she wouldn't hesitate to kick them out. And she'd take more pleasure from it than she wanted to admit.

The conversations stopped when she entered and she couldn't help the sarcastic remark that fell from her lips, "Oh boy, a Scooby gang reunion!"

Willow hadn't come alone. Xander and Giles had tagged along. Just great. She didn't mind Giles. They had cleared the air long ago. She glared at her sister for not telling her anything and the Key danced on the balls of her feet.

"Just like old times," Dawn said, trying to lighten the mood.

Giles smiled at her, "It's good to see you Buffy."

She went to hug him because it felt really good to see him.

"It's good to see you too Giles. Willow, Xander."

Her cold greeting seemed to make them uneasy. Internally, she grinned at that. Mean, mean Buffy. Actually, it felt quite good to be mean.

"Did Dawn explain the situation to you?"

"Yes," Willow explained. "I would like to see what you have."

"Everything's at the Hub. I'll bring it tomorrow."

"Why can't we go there?" Xander asked. "Dawn went there."

"Dawn's my sister and she was working for us. I can't bring everyone and anyone to our HQ. I'll have to ask Jack."

"It wouldn't have bothered you before," the man said.

"A lot of things have changed."

With that, she looked at their luggage.

"There's no need to work tonight. It's late. I'm going to patrol a couple of hours and call it a night. Giles, you remember where the hotel is?"

"Of course."

Xander and Willow didn't say anything. She accompanied them to the street and said her goodbyes there. Her former friends weren't that happy but the glares they were receiving from Giles kept their mouths shut. She didn't walk them to their hotel. Dawn decided to stay at the apartment and watched some television.

She patrolled the street for two hours, staking two young vampires only. There wasn't a single trace of a Weevil. It was a really calm night. Maybe it was because it was still early. The monsters weren't up yet, but she didn't want to spend too much time out.

She finally entered the Hub a little before eleven pm. Her co-workers were working as usual. Jack left his office and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning his shoulder against the door frame in a very Jack-esque manner.

"Didn't I give you the night off? Or are you hiding from something? Or should I say someone."

"Some ones actually. Willow's here. With Xander and Giles."

She sat near Tosh who asked, "How are you doing?"

The Slayer shrugged, "I'm not that surprised, in fact. And Jack, they want to come here tomorrow."

"If they're going to work on our case, it's logical. But there are rules. Don't tell them what we actually do here. They stay on this level. No walks in the underground or meeting with the Weevils. Even if they ask. They don't touch anything."

Owen groaned, "We're going to have to babysit them."

"Yep. Now go home Buffy. Stop hiding from your problems."

Her eyes went wide, "Is it Pick-on Buffy Day? Why are you all kicking my ass? I get it, all right. I have some issues I need to deal with. No need to be all that pushy!"

She left like a hurricane under the surprised eyes of her team.

"Okay, what just happened?" Owen asked.

Gwen laughed and explained that Rhys had told her about meeting Buffy earlier that day. They had had a little chat about her whiny attitude. Apparently, she had been taken aback by something Andy had told her earlier.

She finally confessed, "You know, I have a hard time following her mood lately. It changes so fast and without any warning signs."

It was Tosh who answered, "Depression is a hard thing to follow."

"What I don't get is that she was fine when she arrived," Gwen insisted. "But it's like the more time passes, the more her depression grows."

She turned towards Jack because she knew that he was closer to Buffy. Even if she was really friendly with Tosh and her, she had stayed really secretive about her life. However, she knew that she had had many conversations behind closed doors with Jack. And each time they emerged, they had this haunted look in their eyes. But more and more, they could see relief in them too. Like finally talking about their nightmares, sharing their burden was making things a little more liveable. So it was not a surprise when her boss answered.

"When she arrived, she hadn't had any time to really think about her past. The longer she stayed here, the more time she had to think and to relive what happened to her. She found herself alone with her own thoughts and nothing to distract her. What she lived, what she survived, it's traumatizing. And all the little things she had survived over the ten years since her Calling are coming back, crashing down onto her. It's like being underwater. You feel yourself drowning and you fight back, but each time you think you finally get to the surface, something takes you deeper and you have to do it all over again. The only thing we can do is help her, give her a hand and help her to reach the surface. But it will take time. She hasn't even reached the first step."

"And what is this first step?" Ianto asked.

Jack locked eyes with his lover and answered, "Realizing that she's drowning."

¤ ¤ tbc ¤ ¤